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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset that dh wants to go out on Christmas?

71 replies

Pinkjellies · 01/11/2017 15:51

I don't have much family to speak of so DH and I spend most christmas' with his family in another city.

Most years he would go round to his mate's family on Christmas evening and since we've been together I've gone too. I don't really enjoy these Christmas evening. I don't know the family too well and we often play trivia games which makes me embarrassed for my lack of general knowledge.

Dh is well aware I don't love the experience and every year we have words about whether we'll go especially since his family are a bit miffed that we up and leave after dinner. This year, I really can't be bothered and I told dh I won't be going. I expected him to want to stay with me but he has said that he's going whether or not I do. Aibu to expect him to stay in with me at his parents on Christmas Day?

OP posts:

GwenStaceyRocks · 01/11/2017 16:41

I can't decide if you're being UR or not. On the one hand, I think Christmas traditions are important and there's lots of reasons why they might have sprung up eg getting support through a tough time; recognising that his friends family have been a big influence on his life, etc.
Otoh once you get married, you usually start making your own traditions as a couple. If he's inflexible about seeing his parents and seeing his friends then I don't see how you can start to build your own traditions.

grannytomine · 01/11/2017 16:41

How far away is it? If he rarely gets back to his home city I can see why he would like to catch up with friends. Would you feel awkward at his parent's home without him? I think there are alot of variables, if it was me I would probably be quite happy to stay at his parents and read a book and have a quiet evening but I realise not everyone loves reading and it depends how his parents would be.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/11/2017 16:45

BewareOfDragons I suspect you're not in the UK because cinemas aren't pen on Christmas day where I live in England!

YouTheCat · 01/11/2017 16:50

They aren't open here and I live in a city.

We are going to see The Last Jedi on Boxing Day though.

pinkdelight · 01/11/2017 16:50

Yeah, it's in the US where cinemas are open on Christmas Day, not an option here.

I think YABU about the friends in the evening thing. You don't have to do the same as your DH if it's not what you want to do, but you can't make him forgo it. Those who are saying he gets all his own way are assuming he's delighted to spend the day with his family, whereas it may well be more dutiful and have no option as the OP doesn't have family to alternate with. Sounds like he's had enough by evening and wants to see his friends, which is a nice tradition for him. Again, he's not inflicting it on OP so she shouldn't inflict not going on him. She can stay with in-laws or go home and chill or go to friends of her own. No biggie.

Slimthistime · 01/11/2017 16:51

Dragons - are you in the US? There's fuck all open here.

OP I can't work out if it's just the pub you want to miss or the whole visit.

not sure really - I mean a lot depends if you are comfortable at ILs. Plus I really don't understand a pp idea that it's not right to see friends on Xmas Day, I'd bloody love to see mine on Xmas but so many people think the 3 days are only for family...gah.

Original poster

Pinkjellies · 01/11/2017 16:52

The whole conversation came about as friends' family are hosting a huge party two days before Christmas which is why I asked could we get out of Christmas Day. We usually see his friends about 4-5 times during our week stay and husband will spend time with his friend independently for 'man activities' and I'm happy enough to stay in his parents house or entertain myself while this happens. They maybe only see each other a few times a year due to living at opposite ends of the country but I encourage dh to arrange visits for us to go stay with them and them to come to us. The issue is that I don't relish the opportunity to spend Christmas Day with friends' extended family who I don't know that well.

I love going to dh's parents and while I wouldn't want to stay at home just the two of us, some of their traditions are very different from my own. For instance in my house growing up, it was very much pjs on all day, and no one in or out, which is why I struggle with getting dressed on Christmas evening to go out to see people I don't know very well.

However, I recognise I'm being unreasonable here and I will either sit in with his parents and not say a word or cheer up and go out.

OP posts:

Dozer · 01/11/2017 16:53

If he doesn’t enjoy spending xmas day / night with his family why does he do it every year but then bail on them for the evening?

Assume he stays sober all day to drive!

Andylion · 01/11/2017 16:54

Its one evening all year where you have to socialise with them and play trivia.

It is only for a few hours

But it's Christmas.

Dozer · 01/11/2017 16:54

You’re not being U: he gets to spend lots of time with this friend and your wishes matter too. He is treating you as though your wishes are of lower priority.

LoniceraJaponica · 01/11/2017 16:55

Where in the UK is there a cinema open on Christmas day?

Andylion · 01/11/2017 16:55

However, I recognise I'm being unreasonable here

But, YANBU!

GherkinSnatch · 01/11/2017 16:58

But YANBU! Especially in light of your update where it sounds like he sees them all the fucking time whenever you're down there.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2017 16:58

You say this is all in another city. So are these friends that he only sees once a year because you travel a fair distance to get there? If so, YAB a bit U. Let him go on his own and either do something nice with his family (if that's the type of relationship you have) or do something on your own if not. If these are people he sees often, then perhaps ask him to forego the Xmas Day visit every other year.

Movie theatres are defo open where I live on Xmas Day. Not everyone celebrates Xmas.

lynmilne65 · 01/11/2017 17:04

No I get you and the ‘false ‘joviality.!😤I I feel so vulnerable 😩

Evelynismyspyname · 01/11/2017 17:13

You see these friends 4 or 5 times over the week you're with his parents, and you won't be in your own home if he goes without you, you'll be at his parents house. On those grounds YANBU.

However if what you said to him is "I can't be bothered to go this year" YABU to expect that to be understood as "we see these friends of yours 4 other times over the week and I don't want to spend Christmas evening with them as well this year, nor to spend it on my own with your parents, so please could we do something else on that one evening this year".

I can't be bothered doesn't really convey that, it conveys that you can't be bothered.

Motoko · 01/11/2017 17:15

Movie theatres are defo open where I live on Xmas Day.

Don't you live in the US though?

OP, what would you like to do if he didn't go to his friends? If it's just stay at his parents, then YABU. He should be able to go to his friends.
If he insists on you going, then he's BU.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/11/2017 17:27

I do, Motoko. I'm just surprised they aren't in the UK, too. It's a multicultural society, like ours. I would have thought that some businesses would cater to the non-Xmas crowd.

Shoot, even Disneyland and Disney World are open Xmas Day.

Lovemusic33 · 01/11/2017 17:28

I would hate having to do the same the sameevery Christmas, even more so if it involves dh's family and friends. Sounds like he gets to chose what happens every year? Maybe suggest taking it in turns each year deciding what to do and where to go?

I'm no longer with my dh but when we were together we would do something different each year, one year host Christmas at home for my parents, the next visit family and the next spend it at home on our own.

I think if your dh really wants to go to friends house then I would let him go on his own. I do thhave no he should compromise though as it seems he gets his way every year.

Wishingandwaiting · 01/11/2017 17:30

Goodness, i don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
I’m just can’t imagine being married to someone who so clearly doesn’t giive a damn about me

Slimthistime · 01/11/2017 17:31

Across, absolutely nothing is open on Christmas Day in the UK. You'll be lucky to find a corner shop open in London. In my area, the local pubs used to open but not any more.

I'm actually just wondering about emergency pharmacy now but I suppose anyone who needs meds on Xmas Day has wound up in A&E anyway.

Slimthistime · 01/11/2017 17:32

OP "I love going to dh's parents"

isn't this key? If you enjoy the time with him, why not just enjoy the time, so to speak?

Slimthistime · 01/11/2017 17:32

*them not him, sorry!

CaretakerToNuns · 01/11/2017 17:34

YANBU.

Why does the selfish prick always have to have things his way? Put yourself first for a change.

GherkinSnatch · 01/11/2017 17:41

Having googled it, Odeon are opening some cinemas on Christmas Day this year .

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