To think I am being held to ransom?

[1DAD2KIDS]

My ex wife as asked if she can loan some money, this is not unusual. She wants to lend her £100 till monday. She must be a little desperate as she has sent a few text. I have not replied. The last one said can you let me know if your sending the money so I know if I can have the kids or not? So I read that as if you don't lend me the money I won't come and have the kids this weekend.

Now this is a big problem to me as I am the full time parent and this is my first weekend for a bit were I am both kid free and not working (my shifts often fall on weekends). This is the first whole weekend me and my new girlfreind have got together and the next oppertunity like this is 6 weeks away. I really want some quality time with her to really get to know her. Being both single parents with kids we normally only get a few hours together once/twice a week. I am planning to take her away, make a special weekend of it. What really pisses me off is my ex is working and I ask for no maintenance off her as she is always skint. Her family say the guy she left me for spends all her money.

So do I lend her the money or japodise the first weekend with the new woman in my life?

For what it's worth, here's what I would do - this time round, give her the £100. Then start the maintenance claim. Put the maintenance payments into a separate account and use that to finance anything needed for your kids' time with their mum. Don't give her access to it, obviously. Send your kids off with prepaid credit cards or gift cards to restrict what it can be spent on depending what you think she's up to. If she can't manage her finances to prioritise your kids, you do it for their sake.

I get it, I really do but this is a short term fix to a longer term problem and at some point, you going to have to tackle this and there’s no better time than the present.

You can not let yourself be blackmailed and manipulated into making her a responsible parent, she isn’t one and you can’t change that. She’s already upped her limit from 50 to 100 and trying to emotionally blackmail you by using her kids (despicable), she’s escalating.

Your kids are young now but if she’s prepared to use contact to blackmail you, just think of the kind of shit she will pull to manipulate them when they are older. You are the responsible parent and unfortunately because their mother is the person she is, they will be looking to you to guide them when dealing with the more selfish and emotionally destructive effects of her behaviour. You are their role model, so don’t model behaviour that normalises manipulation.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. The sooner you accept her for who she is (selfish and irresponsible parent), the sooner you can support your children in accepting who she is.

She will let them down when it’s convenient for her, don’t collude with or cover for her.

Op, I've read all your posts. Terrible as it is, I'd bite the bullet and set the standard for the future. If she can't afford to have them then she needs to rethink. It sounds like she could rely on her own family to get help to see her children. At the moment her priorities are skewed and she's manipulating you. But I get how gutting it must be to think of losing your weekend plans. Heart goes out to you but boundaries now week help you later.

I would do what mumonashoestring suggests. Give the money now but tell her that this is the last time and you need a formal arrangement of maintenance, however that maintenance will be used to fund the weekends at hers. I.e. the money is protected from her twattish bf.

Don't give it to her. It's opening up a can of worms. She's using your kids to get money. She doesn't need money to do things with her own children! She can take them to a park with a picnic, cuddle up on the sofa watching a film if it's rainy.

It's horrible but even if it does scupper plans with your gf, hopefully it'll be a wake up call to her that she can't take the piss like that! You're a very tolerant ex.

Hi OP - Just an obvious reminder - don't tell her that this is the last time she's getting cash from you until you get it back on Monday. You know she'll bail otherwise....

Ok I have sent her the money and this weekend I'm going to have a bloody good time and not worry about it.

But I have made it known I'm not her personal payday loan provider. She need to do better with her finances. I asked her why the money situation and she said she not account for some of her bills going out before payday on Monday. It's not that I mind lender her the money occationally (maybe once/twice a year) as she is good at paying it back (it would be a definate no if she had failed in the past). It's more that fact it has been the 3rd time in the last couple of months plus double the amount as normal. And what really pissed me of if that it felt this time with pay me or can't have the kids as being held to ransom. Although to be fair I guess that was party the reality of the situation.

As to the claim maintenance and use it to fund her transport I can see the logic but I'm not for that. The reason being I don't want to in control of her in anyway, I don't want to be the one in charge of making sure she has the funds to see the kids. If anything I want less to do with her and her life.

This whole scenario is bizarre. Why on earth would you let her borrow money. She's your ex! She should be paying maintenance and you are allowing her to get away with not providing for her own children.

I'd have ignored the messages, driven them there, dropped them off and told her my phone was playing up.

If you continue to let her get away with this behaviour, she will take advantage.

ProfessorCat I know what you saying but I have to ask what's best for me (that's doesn't effect the children of course). I work bloody hard and don't get much quality time. Last thing I want to do is have a 6 round trip tomorrow and another 4/5round trip on Sunday on a rare kind free and not working weekend. That 10-11 hours I get to enjoy extra and the more energy to enjoy my weekend too. I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face. I'll get the money back so I won't lose out.

You remind me of my dad. He did very similar things as my Mum was not a very nice person(I’m being polite) and did hold my dad to ransom until we were early teens. For instance whilst we lived with my dad full time, she kept our child allowance books and spent the money, threatening she would try to get custody of us. My dad also regularly gave her money. If he’d written about it on MN people would say he was ridiculous but I don’t think he was. He was protecting his children by giving us a stable life with him.

Op I hope you have a lovely weekend!

Have a nice weekend OP!!

I can see why it makes sense not to give in to her demands, but make that a future problem to solve. Enjoy this weekend but start being more firm with her.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday sorry to hear that. Your dad sounds like a star. I guess we just try to do what's best for our kids. Sometimes that's choosing outcome over principle or at least comprimise. Lucky their mum is not that bad. Granted she wouldn't win mum of the year. But she does love them. We have a pretty smooth and hospitable a parenting relationship. This smooth relationship is something I want to protect. But sometimes it does mean sacrifice, biting my tongue and moments of anger like this. But (due to the kids) she the ex I am stuck with and on the bright side she could be a lot worse and difficult.

Thanks everyone who has wished me well this weekend. I am so excited and so is my girlfriend. The term girlfriend sounds wierd. One because a few years ago I never contemplated ever being in the position of new relationships. Two because I'm a 33 YO family man ffs, not some 18 YO youth.

Have a great weekend, you deserve it. 🍺🍺🍺
Let this be the last time that you lend her money, you are not her keeper. I was going to suggest that you lent her £50.00, instead of the full amount. You will be doing her a favour, in the long run.

Another one who says it's shit but lend this once for peace of mind and a good weekend. But try to avoid the habit! It may be worth building up a relationship with a good babysitter/nanny/childminder who would consider the occasional overnighter. So you have an alternative another time.

Tbh, if she's good at laying back you aren't losing out, so I would have done the same.

I’m in a similar situation but reverse. My ex pays me significantly less than he should for our dc, but as a result it means he can have them on a regular basis which gives me a much needed break. My youngest has some behavioural issues and can be difficult a lot of the time.

Some of my friends say I should go via csa for the whole amount, but to me, my child free time and flexibility to move the visits around to fit my social ‘childfree’ time Is worth more than an extra few quid a month. It’s not ideal or morally right, but sometimes sanity and rest is more important

Excellent! You made absolutely the right decision. Have a great weekend

So glad you're not letting her wreck your weekend Have a great time!

So glad you're not letting her wreck your weekend Have a great time!

Well I had a really lovely weekend. As today is Monday it'll be interesting to see if the money comes straight back or if I'll need to prompt her?

aaahhh well done Dad... I'm glad you had a great weekend

Happy to hear you had a good weekend Dad.

You will have to sort this out going forward though.