To think I am being held to ransom?

[1DAD2KIDS]

My ex wife as asked if she can loan some money, this is not unusual. She wants to lend her £100 till monday. She must be a little desperate as she has sent a few text. I have not replied. The last one said can you let me know if your sending the money so I know if I can have the kids or not? So I read that as if you don't lend me the money I won't come and have the kids this weekend.

Now this is a big problem to me as I am the full time parent and this is my first weekend for a bit were I am both kid free and not working (my shifts often fall on weekends). This is the first whole weekend me and my new girlfreind have got together and the next oppertunity like this is 6 weeks away. I really want some quality time with her to really get to know her. Being both single parents with kids we normally only get a few hours together once/twice a week. I am planning to take her away, make a special weekend of it. What really pisses me off is my ex is working and I ask for no maintenance off her as she is always skint. Her family say the guy she left me for spends all her money.

So do I lend her the money or japodise the first weekend with the new woman in my life?

This sounds so difficult, not sure what would be best. She sounds awful. Any chance of grandparents having the children? Obviously depending on their relationship.

Oh OP she's a nightmare. What crass timing. She's so selfish but you know this.

Ask her what the money is actually for. Send the kids with meals and warm clothes and least try and grab one day and night with your GF.

Spend it on a babysitter so you can take your girlfriend for a nice meal instead.
This. Otherwise it will continue. Does she ever pay you back?

But you need to get to court and get thing properly agreed. Keep a record of these sort of requests and any other changes in access.

I am finding this a dilemma. The kids love seeing their mum. I love them being able to spend time with her because it makes them happy, I want them to have a good relationship with her and just genrally minimise the impact of her not being around.

I probably should have explained their mum lives 100 miles away. So it's probably a case she literally hasn't got the money for the petrol and to feed them etc. So if I don't send her the money she probably literally can't have them for the weekend.

A big reason why I don't ask for maintenance is me and the kids are comfortable, she earns little in care work and seems to squander it (or someone else is for his cannabis). So worry always that taking money (that I don't really need) would one get in the way of building her life again and to make it a struggle for her to run a car and have the kids. So for me there is no benefit to getting child maintenance off her. I need her to sort her self out for the kids.

The easy answer seems to me pay her. To be fair she's fairly good at paying it back when she says she will. But then on principle it doesn't seem right. I'm not her personal intrest free pay day loan provider. Granted I don't want her getting into debt with actual pay day loan providers again. But she chose this life, she's the one who should be managing her own finances. She is my ex wife ffs, the one that left me and the kids. Why does she still think it's my responsibility to look after her?

I suppose I could see it as a very good rare of child care. Especially because she'll probably pay me back next week. But on the other hand I shouldn't have to pay my ex to have the kids?

It also concerns me it 100 now, normally about 50. She has spent the divorce settlement getting out the dets she racked up since we split and a decent car (thank goodness). Although the car is still half on finance. I worry she is slipping into debts again and I don't know why? But her family seem to think it's because of him and his love of weed.

I'm still not decided. She has sent another message asking if I got her messages. I really don't want the kids to miss out, they are so excited about seeing their mum.

grannytomine I won't ask my mum. She already helps out so much with the kids, it would be totally unfair. Plus I know she is busy with a think at the church sat and sun.

I probably should have explained their mum lives 100 miles away. So it's probably a case she literally hasn't got the money for the petrol and to feed them etc. So if I don't send her the money she probably literally can't have them for the weekend.

So you drop the kids off along with a couple of bags of shopping.

If you do give her the £100 now I would be telling her that’s it, it’s the last time, she has to sort herself out and manage her own finances and that it isn’t an acceptable excuse not to have her children so she needn’t bother threatening that again.

Does her boyfriend live with her?

I wouldn't want to send my kids to where there's a dope smoker-especially if their parent was prioritising his habit over petrol money for the kids!

Would telling her that it makes you feel blackmailed into helping her help with anything?

How often does she see them? Could you make it clear it's her job as a parent to budget so she can see her own kids? You sound well rid of her TBH.

I'd think of it as payment for a service rather than the kids seeing their mum, but I get that it's frustrating. Just you won't be missing out on a rare occasion this way.

She is extorting money from you.
It’s usually £50, now it’s £100

She chose this life, that’s her bed

I agree that if she’s shacked up with a dope head, that’s the last place the kids should be.

She senses you have plans, she’s torpedoing them at the eleventh hour.

Ask your mum/ friends etc and see if they can help with at least an overnight stay?

Is she aware that you had plans this weekend?

Personally this time I would so I could go out this weekend but that’d be it.
You’re not helping her sort her life out, you sound lovely but it’s not helping her. She doesn’t have to sort herself out because every time she needs something she can call you and you’ll sort it out. If that stops then she has to sort her shit out, she can’t keep giving money to her druggy bf.
Leave her to herself, she can’t live off of you forever. You deserve a weekend off and I think £100 is worth that 😊
I wonder if you could find reliable childcare (which she is not) for £100 in the future, at least then you know it’s going somewhere good.

Well just to put everyone's minds at ease she stays with the kids at her parents house when they go up there. His house is not suitable, get family would not allow it (being Her family himself they know him far better than, so that tells you something) and doubt he would want my kids hanging around anyway. So they always stay at her parents down the road from him not at her house.

I suppose thinking about I could drive the kids up and just drop them off. My former in-laws are great people and they would never see the kids starve. But then on a Friday with the traffic it can be a 6 hour round trip. And to be honest I work my nuts off. She has them for the weekend fortnightly. I don't think it's unfair to ask her to make a bit of effort. Bottom line bollocks to that.

I am upset because I don't want to let the kids down, I don't want to my girlfriend down and I don't want to miss out either. I hate feeling almost blackmailed into lending her the cash. But I think I should send her the cash despite principle. The kids value the time with their mum and grandparents up there. Also I work my nuts off I deserve some quality down time and sometime for myself. This is the first real time to spend with my girlfreind. We have been dating for weeks but have only managed to have a few hours with each other or me pop round in the early hours of the morning when I have finished a weekend shift and jump into bed with her. She deserves more time with me. I think it's best I cough up but let it be known she can't keep doing this. She is her own woman and need to sort he finances and prioritise her kids. Is that a good plan?

No don't lend her money. Start court proceedings for maintenance

I don't think it's unfair to ask her to make a bit of effort.

Of course she should, but without money for petrol she may literally be unable to come for them so on this occasion, if you want your weekend with you GF then I would probably make the journey. It will also reinforce the message that she doesn’t just get to threaten not to have the DC if you don’t give her money. She has to have them anyway.

If you decide to drive them, is there anywhere nearby that you could stay for the weekend?

Also, if she sees the at her parents-shouldn't they be getting the money??

I think you're making a huge mistake ... start court proceedings... you need a life Sir

I do too. Whys she ever going to change? This is what your children mean to her.

I don't see what she's said she needs it for anyway. She'll be at her parent's so the tenner for food and electric suggestions weren't from the OP.

@1DAD2KIDS

Did you just write that the BF is her family?

Driving the kids up there seems a bit cutting my nose of to spite my face. I have been looking forward to this weekend for ages. And I will be getting the money back.

Like your thinking, you sometimes have to be creative. But it's early days and my gf hasn't met my kids. I wouldn't introduce them to anyone unless it got really serious.

Eliza9917 her bf (well her now ex if you ask her but she lives with him and the family say otherwise) is step family. I think he's her step cousin. He's about 14 years older than her and she used to go out with him behind her parents back we she was 17 as I now know.

" But it's early days and my gf hasn't met my kids"

No, but you could drive seperately, meet up & stay somewhere if you didn't want to take your kids, drive home & then fatch the again iyswim.

I had the same problem when my ex and I split up. He saw his kids (toddlers at the time) once a fortnight and was supposed to see them once during his off week as well as call 3 times a week. He started by telling me he had no phone credit so I needed to call him so he could talk to the kids and then he said he was busy on his off week so couldnt spend a few hours with them, he also told me I needed to pay him (re said he wouldn't pay it back, started as a small amount and grew bigger) if I wanted him to see the kids.
After a while I got sick of it and he told me he would just wait until they turned 18 and came to find him themselves. It has been 7 years and he calls every few years but the kids no longer want to talk to him and I explained that if he wanted a relationship with the kids then he needed to keep contact to a regular time but he claims he cannot do that.

Like you I thought it was best for everyone involved if I gave him the money but I soon learnt the kids were not happy, he wasn't happy and I wasn't happy. He had refused to pay child support (I got a new partner 3 years after we split and he decided it was his job to support the kids) so I got a court order that ordered he pay. It seems like you may have to do this.

A big reason why I don't ask for maintenance is me and the kids are comfortable

She has responsibilities towards those kids and you're enabling her to avoid them.
Your dc have a right to see their mum but what good is she for them when it really comes down to it?

Get CSA on her for maintenance. You're not responsible for her life and choices so stop taking ownership of them.
After this weekend is over, tell her in writing that she either sticks to the arrangement or if she's going to be unreliable then she goes to court to get contact.

It isn't fair on your dc to be messed about like this....they're being taught that the scraps she gives them is all they are worth
You can't let her carry on having this kind of control over your life.
If she can't be arsed making any sort of effort for her own kids then they're better off without her.

But it's early days and my gf hasn't met my kids

For this occasion, can't you pretend she's just a female friend who you're hanging out with/giving a lift to?

I know if the position was reversed we'd be pretty vocal about you not lending the money.

However, under the circumstances I probably would, especially if you know you'll get it back and it will make everybody happy - plus you'll get a break and do something you really want to do. It's not often a full-time single parent gets that opportunity.

You could always say that this is the last time, so you stop the borrowing escalating.

Maybe what you say works this once. Pay her and make it clear its the last time then you get your weekend away.

After that you should sort out maintenance and stop thinking its your responsibility to help her sort her life out. Prepare thw kids for the fact they may not see her every other week and prepare your GF for the fact too. You should also never pay her again. It is blackmail and will only get worse.

I would lend her the money if you can afford it. I wouldn't see an issue with it at all - what matters is you get your well deserved weekend away with your gf and the children get their weekend with their mum. Standing on principle over a hundred quid just isn't worth the upset.
Enjoy your weekend.