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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am being held to ransom?

97 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 01/11/2017 13:27

My ex wife as asked if she can loan some money, this is not unusual. She wants to lend her £100 till monday. She must be a little desperate as she has sent a few text. I have not replied. The last one said can you let me know if your sending the money so I know if I can have the kids or not? So I read that as if you don't lend me the money I won't come and have the kids this weekend.

Now this is a big problem to me as I am the full time parent and this is my first weekend for a bit were I am both kid free and not working (my shifts often fall on weekends). This is the first whole weekend me and my new girlfreind have got together and the next oppertunity like this is 6 weeks away. I really want some quality time with her to really get to know her. Being both single parents with kids we normally only get a few hours together once/twice a week. I am planning to take her away, make a special weekend of it. What really pisses me off is my ex is working and I ask for no maintenance off her as she is always skint. Her family say the guy she left me for spends all her money.

So do I lend her the money or japodise the first weekend with the new woman in my life?

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 01/11/2017 14:40

But no one would blame you for giving her nothing.

JaneEyre70 · 01/11/2017 14:41

I'd rather lose a weekend away than give in to blackmail.

Gemini69 · 01/11/2017 14:43

I wouldn't give her a PENNY ... sorry Flowers

CW1805 · 01/11/2017 14:44

Tell her you can't loan her the money and will drop the kids off usual time. Send a bag of meal ingredients if necessary. Don't let her force you into something your not comfortable with. To me, from what you've wrote it sounds like you are having to pay her to have her own children - like shes a nanny or something. That's just wrong. I myself have had to speak to stepkids mother and say 'Look, we're skint this week could you send a bag of food with the kids and I'll pay you back next week' No way would we give up a weekend with them because we had no money - there's always a workaround

PragmaticWench · 01/11/2017 14:45

Have you decided what to do OP?

Really tough situation, I feel for you.

Anecdoche · 01/11/2017 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluebells1 · 01/11/2017 14:47

I will get a childminder and pay them instead of the blackmailing cow.

Bunnychopz · 01/11/2017 14:52

Loan or give?

Bunnychopz · 01/11/2017 14:53

I wouldn’t. Just explain that you can’t keep lending her cash as you need it being the main carer

lookatyourwatchnow · 01/11/2017 14:57

Do not lend her the money. Absolutely not. Why haven’t you gone to CMS?

SequinsOnEverything · 01/11/2017 15:01

Don't lend her money, do get maintenance from her and make her stick to when she should see her childreb or not see them at all, it's not fair for them to be messed around by her.

SequinsOnEverything · 01/11/2017 15:01

Don't lend her money, do get maintenance from her and make her stick to when she should see her childreb or not see them at all, it's not fair for them to be messed around by her.

c3pu · 01/11/2017 15:02

My kids mum does similar sometimes...

She asked me to lend her £1000 a few months ago as she was in real trouble, I balked at the prospect but rather than see her homeless and unable to have the kids etc (and bearing in mind the age old advice of "don't lend what you can't afford to lose" I lent her half, on the proviso she'd pay back a tenner a week.

After about a month she stopped paying, and when it became clear she probably wasn't going to start again (despite having the cash to go on trips away etc) I withdrew all my co-operation and made her do her own drop offs of the kids (I'd previously done all the pick up and drop offs as I drive and she doesn't).

Eventually she got fed up with having to ferry the kids about and has started paying me back...

Best advice, neither a lender or borrower be.

Adviceplease360 · 01/11/2017 15:06

Don't lend her the money.

schoolgaterebel · 01/11/2017 15:08

If her having the children is dependant on you giving her money then it's probably best for everyone involved if you don't give her the money, and see what happens.

You sound like a good parent and you do need a break, it is a mistake to ever rely on her though, don't put yourself in that position again.

Is there someone else who could have the kids as a backup plan this weekend?

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 01/11/2017 15:11

What could she need £100 for to have the kids? If for food and electric I’m sure £30 quid would cover it.

BatteredBreadedOrSouthernFried · 01/11/2017 15:12

Actually I wouldn’t give her money for food. I would buy the food and send it with them and give her a tenner for electric if that’s what it’s needed for.

Jux · 01/11/2017 15:16

I would go to the CMS and get child maintenance fromher. Blimey, she’s working,you’re the ft parent, she needs to contribute and having them for the odd weekend isn’t good enough. If it’s deducted at source then her bf can’t spend it, so you’re doing her a favour in a way.

diddl · 01/11/2017 15:19

"So do I lend her the money or japodise the first weekend with the new woman in my life?"

What's best for the kids?

Don't send them just so you can have a weekend with your new gf!

BitOutOfPractice · 01/11/2017 15:20

Oh what a horrible situation.

I think the idea of food and a tenner fr electric is good. But I suspect that is not what she wants

I hope it gets sorted and you and the GF can have a lovely weekend and the DC can have some decent quality time with their mom

nameusername · 01/11/2017 15:28

Nope. I wouldn't give her a penny. It's not your fault she can't prioritize money for her own kids. I'm sure your girlfriend will understand with her being a single parent that the kids comes first especially when they're still young and that you're the stable one.

Why are you not asking for maintenance? I would go to the appropriate board and request for child maintenance pronto. Same advice I would give it were the other way round.

suzy2b · 01/11/2017 15:29

Surely she has just been paid end of the month,what is she going to do for the rest of the month, how often does she have the kids

abbsisspartacus · 01/11/2017 15:31

She might just have a banking issue my friend did the other week money in the bank no access I had to lend her some

CheshireChat · 01/11/2017 15:47

Start claiming maintenance and put it away if you don't need it for situations like this?

You can also save it for your kids for the future.

If she's actually a decent parent (as much as somebody so financially irresponsible can be) then I'd just pay the £100 in the same way you pay for childcare though I get it's amazingly unfair.

If she's an arsehole in general I'd look at reducing contact to a minimum for both you and your kids sakes.

Hope you manage to sort something out.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/11/2017 15:48

I would not give her a penny.

Spend it on a babysitter so you can take your girlfriend for a nice meal instead. I know it isn't the same as going away for the weekend, but if you give into your ex today, she will never stop!

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