To except more from my OH..

[Poppy67Fox]

We have just had a baby and had just started to live together a few months ago. He goes to work and leaves the house at 8am and comes home at 6.30pm. He cooks dinner most nights as this is something he enjoys and likes to spend time doing. Apart from this, he does absolutely nothing. No household chores (since we’ve moved in I don’t think he’s ever picked up a hoover or a duster). In regards to our baby, I spend all day and night with her as I’m on matertnity leave. He will get in from work, make dinner (30 mins tops) and then sit on the sofa in front of the TV with his phone until he goes to bed. I will feed and settle the baby and then I’ll ask him if he wants a cuddle. He will go “oh but she’s really comfortable on you” and I say to him that he needs to spend more time with her so she becomes used to him and will settle with him if I’m ever out. He will cuddle her for 10/15 minutes and then often she wakes and starts wriggling around/whinging and he will go “I don’t know why she’s crying, can you take her?” And hand her straight back to me. Instantly back on his phone. When I ask him if he can help, he says he just wants to chill out as he’s had a long, hard day at work (he is a manager in sales and it is a knackering job I do know this as we used to work together) and seems to think that my days aren’t knackering too running around to keep the place half tidy and also look after a 5 week old baby. AIBU to think I could expect just a little bit more from him in the evenings? I don’t think it’s unreasonable but being at home all day should I just be expected to take care of the chores too and not expect anything from him in the evening? I mentioned this to him this morning and he said “no worries I’ll take her tonight but you can cook the dinner”. Why does it have to be a swap? Why can’t he just offer to do more?
Nail in the coffin for me today was waking up to his dirty clothes from the day before just on the floor of our bedroom and not even put in the laundry basket! I would love to know if I’m being unfair or if this is just the way my life is now!

Not read all replies as not got the time right now but your OH sounds very similar to my DH when our first was born. He had lived with his mum and moved in when I was 6 months pregnant (surprise baby early on in relationship)
I didn't say anything, I just muddled through in a haze of sleep deprivation and a bit of pnd. In hindsight I definitely should have. Turned out that he was just absolutely terrified of babies. Didn't help that the first time he had baby alone, he tried to cut DS fingernails and snipped the skin and made him bleed. DH confidence was rock bottom so he would do anything to avoid taking care of him (cooking, diy, popping to the shops, playing on computer)
By the time DD came along, he was fine as he'd done it all before. He was still quite hesitant at first but I was determined that we wouldn't fall into the same patterns so would pretty much throw her at him and leave the room to go to the toilet/check on toddler/find my slippers etc

You should talk to your OH asap so that you have the help you need with your new baby and time away (even if it's just cooking) from your baby to be a normal adult. Nip it in the bud now!

Really? You think it's OK for a man to refuse to do domestic work or childcare despite the fact that his partner is crying with exhaustion? Is it OK for a man to leave shitty pants and sweaty shirts all over the floor for his partner to pick up? For him to work a 40-hour week doing nothing more demanding than operating a laptop, yet to expect his partner to be on housework/childcare duty 24/7?
How is treating your partner like a servant, despite her protests and requests for you to pull at least some of your weight, not abusive?

Everything was and is equal even with his hugely responsible, high-flying, blah-blah job. He was amazing with our DD as I had both PPD and health complications topped with breast feeding issues. Not only he would do so much around the house, (he got a cleaner for us too) but he would wake up in the middle of the night to do feeds with expressed milk or formula when I couldn't. He even picked a couple of cookery books about 1-pot cooking and was feeding us stews till the cows came home. This was from a man that couldn't even put the kettle on.
Don't stand for it. resolve it now and have a no-mobile rule at home.

How is treating your partner like a servant, despite her protests and requests for you to pull at least some of your weight, not abusive?

I think that overusing the word "abusive" hurts women and children who really are victims of abuse. I was abused as a child. It was horrific. I don't talk about the details except to people trained to deal with such things because I honestly feel that most people cannot handle knowing what happened to me.

When I stopped working to care for the children when they were young, my DH and I went through an adjustment period of what was reasonable for him to do. It wasn't abuse. Really, really big difference.

The OPer doesn't sound like she's even talked to him yet. She's expecting him to just know (which he clearly doesn't).

reanimated I think coyote has raised a massively important point here, by determining a lack of splitting household chores as abusive you are undermining the experiences of those who have suffered genuine abuse.

Also, you are generalising alot. Not all men work with laptops! My DH is a senior technician for a car dealership and comes home covered in sweat and oil everyday! Some days he doesn't have a break. He works as hard as I do and in return I cook his dinner and do his washing. Also, the "shitty pants" thing! I had to laugh at this! Not all men shit themselves!

I think reanimated is right in general but we perhaps haven't got from OP that she is quite in that situation.

Doing not domestic work and refusing to no matter how often asked, and in particular the sort of thing reanimate describes such as letting your partner cry with exhaustion, is abusive.

There are more severe types of physical abuse of course but it doesn't mean you can't abuse your partner by refusing to pull your weight.

I'm afraid I missed the part about crying with exhaustion? Was that the OP or a different poster?

That is quite extreme I must admit. When you're at the point of tears you definitely need support and denying that is wrong

You really need to talk to him asap OP. This isn't on. Leave his clothes where they are, seriously.

When my first baby arrived as soon as my DH came in after work we were 50/50 on all chores. Of course I did more while I was home (putting washes on etc) but when you have a tiny baby you won't have time for lots of cleaning etc!

Whilst the baby was still in our room he would get up when they woke in the night and bring them to me for feeds/change nappies when needed. And then get up and go to work from 7.30-6.30pm. Because we are a team.

We have two kids and both work now and we share everything (night wakings, chores, cooking etc). We do have a cleaner which is brilliant. The only thing I would say I do more of is planning and organising like meal planning etc. But I work part time so I accept I have more time/headspace for that.

Was the pregnancy and living together planned?
I ask because it's fairly unusual to move in together after the pregnancy. Could be practical reasons but I think it's likely that the pregnancy was an accident and you moved in together only because of it.

If that's the case - have a serious think about whether you actually should be together. He doesn't sound interested in you let alone the baby, if he spends every evening on his phone. If it's the wrong relationship, don't stay in it because you had a baby together.

If it was planned and actually you do want to be with him...

Actually, I think someone with a 5 week old baby can and should do all of the day to day housework. That way, when you're all 3 together you can actually spend the time properly together. Or, your boyfriend can take over with the baby and you get a proper rest instead of housework then. There are babies where it's not possible. But for the vast majority - just how much housework is needed for 2 adults and a baby? Stick baby in a sling and chat to it whilst you load the washing machine.

Now I only mean NORMAL housework. Sticking a load of clothes in the machine. NOT getting those clothes from the bedroom floor
Emptying a dishwasher - yes.
Having to go into every room collecting abandoned mugs - no.

Stop clearing up after him.

Sure, OP isn't yet crying with exhaustion, but other posters on the thread have mentioned living with men who 'flat out refuse' to do their share of domestic work.
And, yes, there are levels of abuse, and some abusers are more physically aggressive, for instance. But that doesn't mean that consistently treating your partner with contempt and putting your own needs first (and expecting her to do the same, no matter what) isn't abusive. The idea that a man is not abusive if he isn't actually punching you or locking you up or whatever is unhelpful, because it can keep women stuck in horrible, worthless relationships where the abuse is constant but 'not bad enough really.'

My DH was typically working 7.30-7.30 (stressful and busy job) when DD was tiny but did the following daily:
Changed the bins
Did a load of washing and hung it up
Made me a cup of tea before work
Took baby for 30 mins or so after work so I could cook dinner
Shared care of baby in evening
Did a dream feed at around 10pm (I did all other feeds)
Gave me a lot of moral support

He did this on the vast majority of days unless he was away with work. It felt about fair enough really as it's so hard looking after a tiny baby all day.

Hope you manage to find a fairer balance.

DH works FT, cooks dinner most nights, cooks at weekends, baths DC, the list goes on and on... I do most of cleaning but don't go crazy, do most shopping, bills, sort dc clothes etc. I'm a SAHM and do few hours work PW on top of looking after kids. Your OH needs to seriously up his game. Swift kick up bum mat help

DH is out the house from 6.45-7.30/8pm with a long commute.
He will either put DD4 to bed or DS 7month when he gets in. If the baby wakes before he goes to bed he will settle/feed. If I've not eaten he will bung something on for us.
Mornings he looks after DS so I can grab a shower. Sometimes I get a coffee.
Weekends he takes DD to her sports, does a clean of the house where I couldn't get to during the week, helps with laundry, gives me a nap (DS teething am knackered)
Also lots of moral support. Half term had me on my knees lol.

Also does the bins, bathes if needed, etc
I'm on mat leave so take care of house/shopping etc.
I'd seriously be having words as resentment will start kicking in

When my lb was that age my dh would take him the moment he got in from work which was grear as it was full on. I would usually get the dinner on then or do some other jobs as t was hard to get anything done during the day. We got a cleaner after two months as I left him to clean the bathroom and it wasn't done three weeks later. If I was to do it again I would get a cleaner from day one. I don't need her anymore but she stopped the resentment.

What would worry me is the lack of engagement with the baby. My DH always loved to come home and spend time with him. I would be waiting at the window needing a break. I like cooking plus had a lot prepared in advance so would just do something. DH then walked dogs and cleaned up after dinner.

16 months on I do the majority of the chores but I am a SAHP. It bothers me that my DH won't cook. He walks dogs, spends time with baby, lights fire, does some jobs in house but not enough in my opinion. Lb is very lively so it is not as if I have all day free! I keep telling him evening and weekend jobs should be split. But most importantly he spends time with baby. I sometimes wish he would take initiative and get up with lb for breskfast or give him his dinner but he doesn't and I am always starving so get up in mornings anyway.

@ReanimatedSGB You are projecting. The OPer's OH is doing all the cooking. Yes, he should be doing more.

I don't see anything that screams abuse.

My ex whilst a terrible husband was a great dad. He always worked an early shift so would go the park/beach in the afternoon almost every day with our son, and vacuum, tidy etc. He never went near the kitchen but that was fine. Every evening at shower time he’d sit our son on his knee and make a big game of undressing him. Then he’d get into the shower with him. He did a lot

Terrible husbands can't be great dads. Great dads treat the mothers of their children well, equally, and with respect.

Notthis I take your point and agree but purely in terms of fulfilment of a parental role, my ex did well.

'He was the same when he lived at home with his parents, he refused to do anything!! If I moan to my mum about him she laughs and says "well you knew what he was like and you still married him"

I'd have thrown him out. They enabled him. You do, too. I don't understand how anyone finds such a lazy and disrespectful twat attractive. If my kids 'flat out refuse' to do their chores they get punished. I'm not a fucking skivvy.

That whole 'breadwinner' 1950s bullshit is for idiots. If a person is single he/she has to 'breadwin' and wipe their own arse, too.

OP, you'll be expected to do it all when you go back to work, too (please do NOT jack in work to rely on this guy financially).

I really don’t think I’m being abused. I just think he needs to pick up his lazy arse and do a bit more. All those saying to LTB that’s not going to happen. We were in the process of buying a house but our surveys were taking a while. During the buying phase we found out I was 16 weeks pregnant without knowing. All those saying why did you have a baby and you moved in just because you’re pregnant, isn’t the case. We’ve been together a long time and I love him very much, I’m very content with every aspect of our relationship and decisions. I just need more help in the evenings. I’m having a conversation with him tonight for what I expect from him and thank you for all your inputs into what I should really expect, it’s appreciated

It's not 'help'. It's lifework. He's not participating in life with you and your child.

If only it were as easy as simply telling him he needs to do more. I fear it is not. He hasn't got incentive to be any different.

I posted recently about the fact that my husband, who is generally great, hasn't made a bottle for our twins in nearly a year or sorted out the medications for one of them ever. The ladies here, quite rightly, tore him a new one. I have been spineless in not raising it but there's no way in hell I would put up with this - you both made that baby and you need a break too. Right now he's working 40 odd hours a week and you're working 24/7. Nope, nope, nope.

My husband splits all night feeds / wake ups and stupidly early mornings with me. Sends me off for a nap on weekend. Puts the boys to bed every night. Cooking is split depending on who's most able to stand / not burn the house down. Nappies are shared outside of his working hours, as is feeding. He does the rubbish and recycling. I do pretty much all the other housework. Oh and I do all the bottles and meds obviously!

Looking after a baby during the day is easily as hard if not harder than his job. Every single other thing is a joint responsibility. Sounds to me like he doesn't want his life to change - tough shit! You need a serious conversation.

OP I wouldn't leave my husband over unwashed dishes either, I'd just want more help too. I've decided to draw up a reasonable list of jobs that I want him to do each day/weekends and a list I will be responsible for too, hopefully he might start pulling his weight. A simple chat with your partner will hopefully work for you OP, good luck!