To except more from my OH..

[Poppy67Fox]

We have just had a baby and had just started to live together a few months ago. He goes to work and leaves the house at 8am and comes home at 6.30pm. He cooks dinner most nights as this is something he enjoys and likes to spend time doing. Apart from this, he does absolutely nothing. No household chores (since we’ve moved in I don’t think he’s ever picked up a hoover or a duster). In regards to our baby, I spend all day and night with her as I’m on matertnity leave. He will get in from work, make dinner (30 mins tops) and then sit on the sofa in front of the TV with his phone until he goes to bed. I will feed and settle the baby and then I’ll ask him if he wants a cuddle. He will go “oh but she’s really comfortable on you” and I say to him that he needs to spend more time with her so she becomes used to him and will settle with him if I’m ever out. He will cuddle her for 10/15 minutes and then often she wakes and starts wriggling around/whinging and he will go “I don’t know why she’s crying, can you take her?” And hand her straight back to me. Instantly back on his phone. When I ask him if he can help, he says he just wants to chill out as he’s had a long, hard day at work (he is a manager in sales and it is a knackering job I do know this as we used to work together) and seems to think that my days aren’t knackering too running around to keep the place half tidy and also look after a 5 week old baby. AIBU to think I could expect just a little bit more from him in the evenings? I don’t think it’s unreasonable but being at home all day should I just be expected to take care of the chores too and not expect anything from him in the evening? I mentioned this to him this morning and he said “no worries I’ll take her tonight but you can cook the dinner”. Why does it have to be a swap? Why can’t he just offer to do more?
Nail in the coffin for me today was waking up to his dirty clothes from the day before just on the floor of our bedroom and not even put in the laundry basket! I would love to know if I’m being unfair or if this is just the way my life is now!

This is literally the only thing we fallout over

It's a pretty big thing though Half.

I don't think he knows what it's for?!!!

He does, but he knows what YOU are for too. Cleaning up after him. And you're easier. No effort at all on his part.

I'm at a loss what I can do to get him to do more

I'd tell him at point blank range what you expect from him and if he doesn't want to deliver it then you will consider the relationship's future.

Talk to him and tell him everything you've said in your first post. If he's a decent man he'll understand and do more childcare and housework. If he isn't going to step up your relationship won't last because you'll soon get fed up.

When he's home, you should be sharing things 50/50. When mine was that little (she's about to turn 5), my dh got home at about 5:30, showered and then took her for pretty much the evening. I would do the cooking (it's something I like to do) and a few other household tasks that I tend to do myself. He would sit on the sofa with her and watch tv or check his phone while she slept on him until we went to bed together at 10pm. He also did her bath himself (I would help sometimes or I'd be doing dinner, other things) and once we were bottlefeeding, he would sometimes do her evening feeds as well. At that age, literally they just lie there. There's no reason he can't be the one holding her while he checks his phone and she sleeps. It freed me up to have a shower, do other things I couldn't do easily during the day, etc.

Work is no excuse. At the time, my dh was working full time (also in a sales and marketing position) and starting up a business of his own, so he was doing 40 hour weeks at the office, commuting to/from, and then in the evenings doing business planning and website design for his business, so easily 50+ hours a week including evenings and weekends. He just wore her in a wrap and got on with it just like I did when I needed to do a bit of work at home during the day with her.

You are not being unfair and you need to nip it in the bud. He probably doesn't have any idea how much you do or think that anything is off. So it's your job to tell him.

He needs to start spending A LOT more time with his child. (Though I admit my DH did much better with the children once they were a little sturdier and could toddle a bit.) He's probably avoiding it because he doesn't feel very good at it, but the only way to get better is to just do it.

He needs to get off his phone and spend time with you. Talking and such. He needs to be actual company and companionship.

He needs to help with the house and such in the evening instead of acting like he's at a hotel with room service.

If you replace looking at his phone with playing on his laptop, and add a cleaner, you'd have my situation. Or close - my DH does his own clothes washing, will empty the dishwasher from time to time, will give me a night off if I ask, makes me breakfast in bed on the weekends, and does the supermarket (online) shopping.

We still argue from time to time when I'm having a tough time. And he refuses to mow the lawn, but has offered to buy either a robot lawnmower or a hire a gardener.

I have to remind myself sometimes that he's not so bad.

Work is a relief after you’ve experienced looking after a newborn. He doesn’t get it. He hasn’t updated his beliefs - once upon a time (in your relationship), the person who’d been at work all day had done a lot more than the person who had, for example, been off for the day and spent the time pottering and watching TV. That’s not how things are now. You have been working all day too, at a difficult task. You don’t know if you’re doing it right. Here’s no feedback, no reward really at this point, as newborns don’t really give much back. YOU ARE WORKING HARDER THAN HE IS RIGHT NOW. He needs to understand that.

Oh I know it's a rather large thing to be constantly falling out over, it really does wear thin. He was the same when he lived at home with his parents, he refused to do anything!! If I moan to my mum about him she laughs and says "well you knew what he was like and you still married him" (my parents think the sun shines out his arse, he can do no wrong)! I was talking to his gran about it the other day (she's pushing 90) and she said "well he is the bread winner at the moment, you can't expect him to" to which he turned and grinned at me. God help me!!! I wouldn't divorce over it, but it's seriously damaging our relationship, it's hard to get someone so set in their ways to change.

YANBU - if you don't want this to be come your life, i.e. he 'works' while you run around after the house and kids you need to knock this on the head ASAP. My DP did 50% of everything when we were both a home even when I was on maternity leave including the baby stuff and we still divide all chores 50/50 according to our preferences or schedules. I do most laundry as I'm around more during the week for example but DP tidies and vacuums more than me, that kind of thing. We generally split cooking, and the non-cook clears up. Even our 5 year old wouldn't leave clothes on the floor - the kids use the laundry basket! I'd be having a word... what happens when you go back to work? Will you still be expected to do all hse stuff? And if you can afford it get a cleaner that'll take some strain off you.

He is either a lazy slob or he is just clueless and thinks that because you are on maternity leave you have nothing better to do than pick up after him. You need to nip this in the bud. If he doesn't shape up you need to reconsider your relationship as things won't get better...

YANBU I have a 4yo and DD6months so on maternity leave OH works full time in construction so quite tiring/labour intensive. When he comes in from work we play with toys on the floor or snuggle on the sofa and watch TV. Then I go and cook tea so he entertains the kids and gives DD her bottle, he washes up and cleans the kitchen, me and kids tidy up the lounge. He baths both kids while I get their stuff ready for bed. He puts DS down and I do DD (we alternated bed times when we only had 1) we split the housework. I try and do more because I’m off work. I agree if you don’t address it you will grow to resent him

I do most of the housework, mainly because I like it done my way. I do all the dusting, hoovering, mopping, washing clothes, putting them away etc. I work 3 days a week, oh full time but does 50 hours every 3 Rd week. We share the cooking. I also do all the stuff to do with our children for school, packed lunches, form filling, homework etc. However he dresses them every day, gives them breakfast before he goes to work, will help bath them/get them ready for bed if he's home in time and we share putting them to bed with story. I would say I do more in terms of housework but he is a brilliant father and always spends time with them, explains things to them, has patience. So yanbu to expect more from him. It's a big change, you need to sit and tell him how you're feeling. Good luck to you.

Things have to change, I really feel for you as I know what it’s like, my exh was the same apart from he didn’t even ever cook, he wouldn’t do a thing apart from say goodnight to the dc, his life was going to work then coming home to dinner and sitting on his arse on phone, can’t remember how many times I begged for help and even cried for him to help. He had never bathed his dc or put them to bed or ever cooked dinner. Anyway that is why I’m a single mother, and my life is less stress and runs so much smother. It will eventually make you very resentful if he doesn’t make changes to his parenting and support you with helping

I would ask him why he doesn't seem to respect you and see what he says, because that's what it is, a lack of respect. By refusing to help when you've asked he's showing he thinks that his time is more precious than yours and that's not how equal partnerships work. If you're not equal then what is the point of that relationship?

Dh took two weeks off when I had all our children, the first one was an emergency section. He would be out of the house 7-6 but the minute he got in he'd spend time with us, make the dinner if I hadn't, do whatever needed doing. It might have been his job to earn money and me to be home but that didn't mean he didn't need to do anything in the house. Sort this now and if he won't listen stop washing is clothes etc.

He's a lazy twat.

I don't have children but I can say my DP and I basically split/share chores. We tend to shop for and cook meals either together or we loosely take it in turns (nothing's written in stone but it seems to shake out that way, because we're both competent adults with some basic awareness).

We have a cleaner but we also share and split washing up and sweeping the kitchen floor/taking out rubbish etc.

If I see that a wash needs doing and I've got time, I'll do it. Same for him.

We both work long and irregular hours and are always frequently run ragged and knackered. If I'm extra-busy he'll step up and do more cooking etc; likewise if he is.

It's just common sense and decency, isn't it?

I gave up work when I had DD. Generally in the day I happily took the attitude I'd do whatever I could housework wise, shopping, looking after baby, gardening, getting tea ready. However, once DH came home we shared things, if I was cooking tea, he'd be with DD playing, cuddling. Then one of us would do washing up while the other bathed DD and he'd always put DD to bed as he wanted some time with her on his own. At weekends housework didn't really need doing as I'd done it in the week, so we'd sort of share making food, looking after DD.

If you're at home all day, maybe he shouldn't need to worry about chores and in all fairness he cooks which is one less thing to worry about. However, I'd like to think he'd want to help with the baby and spend time with her, realise you need a break in the evening as well. You need to make it clear you need/want help, otherwise it could continue like this

Oh, and by the way, you don't ask him to 'help' like a child. It's looking after HIS family and HIS home. Just as you do.

If he doesnt pull his weight around the house he should be paying for a cleaner to do the tasks he doesnt do and take some of the burden off you.

He should absolutely be spending time with you and his child - fine to relax and look at his phone but there should be phone free time in the evening too.

I'm trying the long game of starting telling ds aged 3 about the important jobs the Daddy has from right now.

In a nice way honest! He keeps saying he wants to have a baby in his tummy, so I thought why not make much of the important roles the dad does have.

No 1 thing is burping the baby! He loves burping noises so a good start and we know it's a really key thing Dads can do - burp and settle the breast fed baby!

A man who does no domestic work is abusive and will get more so. Particularly if he is the sort who literally throws his dirty clothes on the floor for you to pick up - this is a man who considers you his servant.

It's very hard to maintain any sexual/romantic interest in a man who so clearly sees you as inferior to him - sex becomes another service he feels entitled to from you. When I say men like this are abusive and become more so as time goes by, sex is one of the areas their abuse may escalate. You may be mocked, belittled, nagged or shouted at if you lose interest in sex - or worse (men who do not consider women fully human but regard them as housework robots with fuckable orifices sometimes just have sex on their robots without asking.)
Financial abuse is also a strong possibility - if the man is the wage-earner he will regard the money as 'his' and may well buy expensive treats for himself while expecting his fuckable housework robot to manage without eg new clothes, enough money for a cup of coffee after toddler group etc no matter how good the household income is.

If you have tried telling such a man to treat you with courtesy, kindness and respect and he has not improved his behaviour, it really is time to think about getting out - or throwing him out. It will get worse, not better, and there is no reason why you should put up with it.

Specifically for the OP, was your baby planned? Did you intend your relationship with this particular lazy manchild to be The One? If it was an unexpected pregnancy and you were therefore expected to move him in, you can change your mind. It's easier to be a single parent to a baby than combine that job with looking after a selfish, unhelpful man.

My DH does literally nothing around the home but is amazing with our baby so it's swings and roundabouts! What really matters is what's important to you. In our house, DH works a 10 hour day Monday to Friday and also every Saturday morning so I like to make sure he doesn't lift a finger at home. In our entire relationship and marriage he made dinner once (because we had a row and it was a peace offering!!!) and I often find socks and pants scattered on the bathroom/bedroom floor for me. But the most important point here is that I don't mind. We agreed with me being on maternity that the deal is he supports us financially and I do the rest!

You have to be happy with the deal you have. If you want him to have more involvement with your LO and that is the priority for you then he must understand and respect that. Plus you need a break! I find making dinner when DH is with DD much easier than just sitting with DD trying to appease her constantly if she is having a tantrum!

For me, the biggest deal is the phone. Not only is your DH not paying your LO enough attention, he is not paying you any! Now that's something I can definitely relate to.

I think that some men can often be a little thoughtless without realising (this is in my experience! I don't mean to generalise), can you ask him to put his phone down for a while every evening for you to spend some time together as a family? As for the TV, is there maybe a series or programme you like which you can both watch?

I'm a new mum too and it's not easy! We need all the help we can get (and love and attention) so really make sure he understands what you need and what is important to you. I have just done the same RE: me getting a little more noticed and the chat went better than I thought. Same as there are no supermums that get it right all the time, there are no superdads that do either! You may find he just hasn't thought to help you as much as he could and a conversation could encourage him to do more of what you need.

Good luck! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job!

A man who does no domestic work is abusive and will get more so

Fucking hell the MN crazies have appeared. This is the most ridiculous statement of 2017 ( and considering the snap general election this year - that's an achievement).

I think a lot of men quite naturally slip into the cultural expectation of the husband - breadwinner only. I think it's so ingrained in culture that it has seeped into their genes!

I think whatever health professional you see during pregnancy ought to prepare parents that they need to have a good talk before baby is born about the responsibilities and how it's going to be. It's a massive shock to the system to become a parent, and you have no idea what you are getting into.

The only thing you can do is have a very serious talk to him. It sounds like you have zero support from your 1950's family, so it's going to be uphill for you. Try your best to be constructive but firm.

Take it from someone who has been there - you will end up resenting him if things don't change. My STBH used to tell me that "other people cope better" when I tried to talk to him about how I needed him to be an active parent when our DC were little. I think he really hated me for asking him to do chores, he certainly did them with so much aggression and tension that I ended up doing it all myself, I couldn't bear the tension. 10 years of resentment later and I am finally getting a divorce from him. Don't end up like me. You have done really well asking for advice and support, and I'm sure you can do it.

Frilly I'm afraid I have to agree, that statement was a little bit scary! My DH doesn't even clean the George Foreman after making bacon but I don't consider myself abused!

As for the LTB comments, I wouldn't leap to such extreme measures just yet! Only you know how things are OP. And what it will take to fix them. If he is refusing to help you out of a lack of respect, we'll that's a different issue to he just doesn't help enough because he works hard and is tired. It must be hard to know where the line is but I would take the abusive and LTB comments with a pinch of salt... it could be easily fixed with a chat and some understanding.