Neurotic new mother

[SilverBirchTree]

My baby is 5 weeks old, and this weekend my husband wants to bring him to a family party. There will be about 40-50 people there and they are all excited to meet the baby. It starts at 10am and will go until 5pm.

I'm concerned as the baby hasn't been vaccinated, and I know it will be a full day of people wanting to hold the baby, touch his hands, & basically pass him around like a joint at Woodstock! People have already texted me saying they are dying for a cuddle and if we're there I will feel obligated to let everyone 'have a go' (a phrase I've come to hate!) There will be kids there who are in childcare and often sick, and although I love them to pieces I am worried about them bringing germs to my newborn.

We've also had dramas establishing breastfeeding. We're now 80% of the way there but I'm still not comfortable feeding in front of people, and when the baby is constantly held he tends to get too cosy and sleep through his feeds and get thrown off the fragile rhythm we've established.

Id really rather not go, or just to go for an hour or so. But I would feel so mean telling my husband that, as he is excited to show off the baby.

Am I being a neurotic new mother? Are my fears ridiculous? Anyone else had to make a similar decision?

Thecanaries, slightly hysterical but you're right, it's always a possibility. But by your thinking small babies should never go shopping, go to a cafe, ride on a bus, go to a dr surgery or even have siblings.

Anyone saying you are being precious about viruses or germs is totally wrong. We’ve forgotten a lot of good practice. Women had time to just be in the house with the child and not expected to socialize for centuries.

Visitors to the house, in small numbers, short amounts of time. Out with the buggy in the fresh air. All fine. This is minimal risk.

To a party with many many people and kids, much higher risk.

5 week’s still very vulnerable if they pick up anything.

3 months and older they are getting much more robust.

I’m a health professional.

For example, show your husband this...

www.parents.com/baby/health/sick-baby/protect-your-baby-from-germs/

Big difference in being around a few people or outside. Being with large numbers of people in a small space in the first few weeks for a newborn is best avoided.

I know people are excited. However it’s only a few weeks.

Mums wellbeing, instincts and babies safety must come first every time.

People are saying "do what you are comfortable with" such useless advice. The first bug with your first baby is really really stressful for many first time mothers. The older and more robust the better. You are literally up all night for 3 nights . It can be totally brutal.

How is it is useless advice canaries ? Op says she'd rather go for an hour or so, or not at all. That's what she's comfortable doing. She INBU/WNBU to do what she's comfortable doing.

Autumn for the vast majority of history mother and baby would have been un the house with 6 siblings, grandparents, apprentices, servants, maiden aunts and in many cases the livestock. It was hardly seclusion.

@thecanaries it's not useless advice. I meant it as "listen to your gut". If something is niggling at you, even a small worry, listen to it. If you're not comfortable, don't go.

In my head, it works like this. Your baby might get a virus/cold/bug. It could mean sickness/blocked nose/diarrhoea - it might mean baby doesn't feed well (it could even cause bf problems if that's not established). A lack of milk might cause baby to sleep less well, maybe cry more, and if they don't get the fluids, it could lead to a hospital stay to rehydrate with a feeding tube.

Of course, there are the babies who manage viruses and colds etc fine, but some don't. Feeding our DD was a complete nightmare (expressed milk - yes I tried to bf for a long time!) and I wouldn't have taken the risk of colds/bugs etc as it would have caused us huge problems.

Strongly disagree. A 5 week old baby should not be out with the general public in winter in a room if it can be avoided which it can. It's not the same as a summer garden party.

I don't think it's right. It's a party fgs. Just miss it.

I think it's irresponsible if the baby hasn't had its first jabs and we are in flu season.

Whether you like it or not - people will get up close and breathe all over baby. You will get fingers on noses and guaranteed at least 2 people will see it appropriate to kiss the baby.

Neurotic maybe - Over cautious - yes I . BUT
My Son has had lots of bugs but we have avoided antibiotics and he's 3. They need to be robust before getting illnesses and that is important.

I have to say that with 2 toddlers with streaming coughs and colds licking the face of my newborn it never got sick. I was bf (which OP is too) and the immunity must have been epic considering all that baby 3 was exposed to.

Bf babies have excellent immunity. Every baby in our house (now have had 3) even escaped a vomiting bug that everyone else, including me, had. One was only 2 weeks old, the other 3 weeks at the time (different years).

Just something worth considering if you're panicking about exposure.

@thecanaries I agree with your last post.

@SilverBirchTree - I think I was the neurotic new mum - DD didn't sit in the trolley at the supermarket, toys were cleaned and washed before she played with them, all clothes washed with antibacterial stuff too, hands cleaned all the time. If family had colds/were unwell, we didn't see them. That was for the first year.
DD is 3 in Feb and she's had conjunctivitis, the sniffles a few times etc, she's definitely more snotty now! But luckily we've managed to miss most things. That's so important when they're really little.

I've found that people are very selfish about spreading their germs with little thought for those that can't fight infections so easily

This. Plus, some people are stupid to boot about how viruses are spread.

I had a neighbour try to visit us when ds3 was about 3 weeks old. She stood on the doorstep clearly full of a cold, red streaming nose and coughing every couple of minutes. And she said 'oh I've got a cold so I won't hold him, just thought I'd pop by for a peek' . Er, no...she didn't get past the doorway. Very annoying though. And you always get people who will 'power through' and go to events with colds and coughs and make no effort to fret away from the vulnerable.

To STAY away from the vulnerable.

Karate True story - my 103 year old grandmother smoked 25 a day from aged 14 years old and stopped smoking at 93 years old She's still going strong.

Anecdotal evidence is not accurate evidence! There are always exceptions.

@karatekitten Lucky. My ebf baby had severe bronchiolitis (cold virus) and nearly died. It's just luck.

Canaries, so you're saying that babies having good immunity from their mums is anecdotal?

It's not. It's fact.

YANBU and not being difficult.
I am 1 week ahead of you. 6 week old baby via emergancy section.

I would most certainly not like to be in that situation. You have been thro a lot in a short space of time and it does take many weeks to fully get back to normal. Between c-section breast feeding learning all about your newborn and his needs and the lack if sleep you will still be out of sorts.

And yes 5 weeks old unvaccinated with lits of people who will all want cuddles will most likely not all do proper hand washing before holding baby. And oh the chikdren and their snotty bugs. Basically you are not neurotic you are sensible!

I understand husband wanting to show baby off but you have to do what's most sensible and best for your baby.

So if you go make sure he knows it's for an hr or so max. People can look and ooh and ahh but he will not be getting passed around. I love the idea if a sling. I'd definitely go with that if you do decide to go.

BUT there is nothing wrong in saying I am just not comfortable or happy with this at this stage. It's ok to be strong cos all you're doing is what you feel is best for your baby.

Karate you are giving anecdotal info that your babies were fine. I exclusively breast fed my son for 22 months. I agree that breastfeeding boosts immunity especially breastfeeding as it is from the mothers immunity too. It doesn't mean they will not get ill. Your anecdotal information is that you are effectively saying "mine were fine"
Just as anecdotally my grandmother is fine even though she Smoked heavily for nearly 80 years.

It's just not worth the risk. My son has a weaker chest that means we are hospitalised every year with when he catches a common cold. He will not grow out of it until he is circa 5 years old until his lungs physically grow and get larger with time. Until then, the ordinary phlegm gets stuck and causes Major infections and pneumonia. He was Born in December - I didn't know at the time that he was one of the many children that have this issue (it's about 2% of Babies) but he didn't get his first cold Until April when he was more robust. If he had had it at 5 weeks it could have been near death similar to what a previous poster has also experienced. It's not funny watching your 4 month old gasp
For breath and be blue lighted to hospital. I can't imagine the fear if they were 5 weeks old just for going to a party. 🙄

One doesn't know if your 5 week old has any underlying health issues as they are so newly born.

You can be as argumentative as you like karate but every health professional, HV, Paeditrician would advise to wait for jabs and even then avoid confined air spaces for 2-3 months.

Firstly, I wouldn't worry about the vaccination thing, the baby will still be covered by the jabs you had during pregnancy. A sling is a good way to discourage passing around, as she'll probably be asleep and you'll have an excuse not to want to wake her. Is there a private side room there where you can go to feed her (or just escape for a few mins?). I remember breastfeeding while trying to keep some privacy particularly difficult in the early days.

Perhaps you could agree to go for a couple of hours, just to say hello. People will understand that you're still recovering from the birth and some nights you'll have slept better than others.

It's still your choice though, if you really don't feel upto it, don't feel you have to go.

Nomad this is not correct.

The 8 week jabs protect against :

It's given as a single injection to protect your baby against serious childhood diseases:
• diphtheriaa_
• hepatitis BB_
• Hib (Haemophilus influenzae type b))_
• polioo_

• tetanuss_
• whooping cough (pertussis))_
rotavirus vaccinee, pneumococcal vaccineeand Men B vaccinee_

The key ones are Rotavirus and pneumococcal jabs. The baby is totally unprotected from these. Breastfeeding can boost immunity but it is NOT guaranteed at all. The baby will still be protected somewhat
By whooping cough if you had the jab in pregnancy but that will be lessened at 5 weeks.

A newborn has virtually no immune system and only starts to create antibodies at 8 weeks.

Don’t go!
You don’t want to and you have good reasons. Let DH go alone.
Did you enlighten your DH as to how fucking unhelpful his comparisons are? After major abdominal surgery! Let him know that if he ever suffers a serious illness, surgery or disability, you’ll regale him with motivational tales of other people who ran marathons with cancer/prosthetics/arthritis, and people who pulled themselves out of deep depression with PMA and St John’s Wort alone. Fucks sake!
Also my 2 week old EBF DD1 caught a cold from someone’s cold-riddled kids who “were desperate to see the baby”. It totally disrupted her sleep and feeding as she struggled to breath/ feed with tiny nostrils blocked. She was very unwell and then snotty for 3 weeks and I really think it set her back a long time.

Thecanaries, strange but I've never on any 3 of my babies been advised to avoid closed air places by any doctor, midwife, HCP etc. You'd think they'd mention it on discharge even as a guideline if it's such a risk. It's not even on the NHS guidelines as far as I know to not bring babies to parties etc till they're X months old. Weirdly my doctor also said it was fine to bring pre-vaccinated baby swimming! I didn't, it made me too nervous😅

If you note my previous message also to you I said it's always a possibility. I know babies do get sick. Nobody had mentioned the great immunity babies have from breastfeeding so I was just adding that it's worth remembering that when stressing about whether it's safe to attend things with a young baby. Your sick baby story is also anecdotal. But I do feel for you and if any of mine had ever caught bronchiolitis I'd be more cautious too.

I personally wouldn't avoid a party and would be glad to go but would be watching for people with sniffles or other kids getting in my newborns face. I wouldn't be overly stressed about it though. We've a big and involved extended family so it's pretty normal to attend big gatherings with tiny ones.

Apologies for earlier post then, but have never been told by a health visitor to restrict where I take a newborn. DC2 was at playgroup with his sister at one day old thanks to a straightforward birth. I even got told I could take him swimming before his 8 week jabs. Obviously I wouldn't expect other mums to do the same, it depends on the situation but clearly I've been given some bad advice!

I think swimming is a totally
Different thing to a winter party. They swim for 30 mins in mothers arms. Don't get kissed and breathes over by people.

It's not the same Comparison. Each to their own but I don't think it's worth it. People change their minds when negative experiences happens to them so obviously if it's always been fine then people will be more blasé.

Thanks so much to those who responded. It's amazing to feel support from so many people I've never met!

I'm going to take your advice and buy a sling. If we're feeling good on the day, I'll try to attend for an hour or two. I'll just have to practice being assertive and saying 'no' to those pushy people demanding a cuddle.

Nice to have a sling anyway. It's made my life so much easier

My baby is a month old and had just caught her first cold she has older siblings. I don't think you are unreasonable to want to keep her away from a big crowd of people. If you decide you don't want to go on the day just get DH to say you had a bad night with baby and weren't feeling up to it. People understand and if they don't who cares anyway.

If you do go keep her in the sling and find a side room to feed her in.