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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neurotic new mother

102 replies

SilverBirchTree · 01/11/2017 09:06

My baby is 5 weeks old, and this weekend my husband wants to bring him to a family party. There will be about 40-50 people there and they are all excited to meet the baby. It starts at 10am and will go until 5pm.

I'm concerned as the baby hasn't been vaccinated, and I know it will be a full day of people wanting to hold the baby, touch his hands, & basically pass him around like a joint at Woodstock! People have already texted me saying they are dying for a cuddle and if we're there I will feel obligated to let everyone 'have a go' (a phrase I've come to hate!) There will be kids there who are in childcare and often sick, and although I love them to pieces I am worried about them bringing germs to my newborn.

We've also had dramas establishing breastfeeding. We're now 80% of the way there but I'm still not comfortable feeding in front of people, and when the baby is constantly held he tends to get too cosy and sleep through his feeds and get thrown off the fragile rhythm we've established.

Id really rather not go, or just to go for an hour or so. But I would feel so mean telling my husband that, as he is excited to show off the baby.

Am I being a neurotic new mother? Are my fears ridiculous? Anyone else had to make a similar decision?

OP posts:
RedSkyAtNight · 01/11/2017 10:35

we went to a similar party (in-laws ruby wedding anniversary) when DD was 8 weeks old. I personally thought it was great as I got to have a rest as everyone else was so keen to look after the baby!

Autumnskiesarelovely · 01/11/2017 10:37

No you are not neurotic.

If the baby catches anything it is serious in such a young thing. That trumps your husband wanting to show them off.

You are being wise and justifiably protective.

dinosaurkisses · 01/11/2017 10:38

Yanbu OP- for me it's not even the worry of the exposure to that many people, it's the effects of having baby held by that many people and unsettling them.

I had dd three weeks ago (also a ftm!) and we brought her to a family get together an hour and a half away when she was a week old. We were conveniently only told that most of DH's massive family would be coming round to meet the baby after we'd agreed to make the journey down.

Between the long car journey and being passed around about fifteen different friends and family members, dd was a nightmare when we got her home. Since then I've told DH that she won't be being passed around like a rugby ball and it's his responsibility to make sure his family aren't constantly picking her up and passing her around. To his credit, he now starts every family gathering by telling people to leave her in her Moses basket to let her sleep.

Dd is formula fed, so I don't have the added stressor of worrying about feeding in front of people.

Saracen · 01/11/2017 10:39

Do what you feel comfortable doing.

If you decide to go, I have noticed that people usually accept a sling as a signal that parents don't want to pass their babies round. Often people won't even ask for a cuddle if they can see you want to keep your baby close. Plus it looks like a faff to extricate the snug baby.

If anyone asks, you could say, "Oh no, I've only just got him settled" or "he doesn't like being out of the sling" or similar.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 01/11/2017 10:40

So I would agree that in cold-season, delicate newborns should be best only held by well people

Well this fills me with joy..... c section on on this coming Monday and me and DS full of awful cough and cold. I also had a vomiting bug last week, but 'tis the season so suppose could get another.

I didn't think of this when TTC Grin DS1 was a summer baby so completely didn't enter my radar.

Fun fun fun.

OoohSmooch · 01/11/2017 10:41

We took our baby to a wedding at a week old and only two days out of the hospital, she then went to another wedding at 4 weeks old. She's now 7 months. First wedding not so many cuddles but second wedding she had loads and at that point I was exclusively breastfeeding. You will be fine and so will your baby.

The worst thing (in my opinion) you can do is restricting what you do when you have a baby. Let your baby fit in with your life rather than the other way around.

It's so lovely letting people admire your baby, the sling idea above is a good one though! You can also say your baby is a little grizzly that day and only mummy and daddy cuddles seem to help if you're worried.

PinkHeart5914 · 01/11/2017 10:42

I do think your being a bit unreasonable

Of course your partner wants to take his new baby to meet the family at the party, I would be more worried if he didn’t want to and I think to not even allow that to happen for even an hour or two is bloody mean tbh

At 4 weeks my ds came to my best friends wedding as I was bridesmaid, he slept most the time and I went off to breastfeed as and when he needed it. At 8 weeks he flew to San Francisco for my wedding, again he was fine.

DD went to my grandads funeral & wake when she was just 3 weeks old, again she slept most the time and I breastfed when she needed it. She was fine.

Gruffalosgrandma · 01/11/2017 10:44

He's a baby , not a parcel. Wear your baby and invite folk to yours for cuddles....one at a time.

lurkingnotlurking · 01/11/2017 10:47

bendy avoidable germs versus non-avoidable. Your baby is fine. There was nothing quite like watching snot-filled siblings getting all over my babies either. But what I'm saying is that handing the baby unnecessarily may be best avoided.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 01/11/2017 10:48

We hosted a massive event last weekend with about 200 people and our baby was 5 weeks old. I had exactly the same concerns so I wore him the whole time in his sling so people couldn't touch him, and then when he woke up I went upstairs to feed and didn't return. If I were you I would go for an hour and sling him - people can't get too close then.

lurkingnotlurking · 01/11/2017 10:48

Oh sorry, will be fine :) Good luck with the birth and congratulations

Callamia · 01/11/2017 10:52

Do what works for you. And don’t feel bad about it.

I couldn’t have managed that with my first (anxiety, no idea what I was doing and breastfeeding problems), but can and did with my second (the oldest had parties to go to, and the baby has already been to six kids’ parties before he was three months old).

Babies will get sick, and not likely with anything you can vaccinate against anyway. But I understand why you’d prefer to avoid that.

Definitely get a sling, no one asks to get a sleeping baby out of a sling, and if they did - they’re being silly.

Just do whatever you feel you can cope with. No party is worth stressing yourself out about.

Honeycombcrunch · 01/11/2017 10:55

Op, you are not being neurotic. I wouldn't have wanted to take any of my DC to a roomful of 40-50 people for a whole day at 5 weeks. It's fine to say to DH that you'll only go to this party for an hour between feeds and nobody is allowed to 'have a go' at holding the baby without you checking if they or their kids have been ill recently and using hand gel first.

My immune system is compromised and I've found that people are very selfish about spreading their germs with little thought for those that can't fight infections so easily. It doesn't bother me to be blunt about avoiding snotty kids or coughing adults these days!

Dahlietta · 01/11/2017 11:07

Of course you're not being unreasonable, mainly because you don't really want to go.
I'm a firm believer that mothers of newborns are entitled to do what they feel comfortable with. You only gave birth (and had a major operation) 5 weeks ago. Why should you do something that makes you feel anxious and upsets your routine if you don't want to?

If you want to go, I agree that nobody has ever asked to cuddle my babies when they were in slings, so if that is all that's worrying you, I would go with that option, but if you don't want to go for a variety of reasons, just don't!

TatianaLarina · 01/11/2017 11:19

Of course your partner wants to take his new baby to meet the family at the party

There’s nothing stopping them coming to visit the baby at home in small groups if they want to meet it.

RaeCJ82 · 01/11/2017 11:29

It’s all very well people saying “I went to this event, I did this, I climbed Mt Bloody Everest two weeks after giving birth” 🙄 but the fact of the matter is that the OP clearly doesn’t want to go. She’s recovering from a c section, establishing breastfeeding and it’s a difficult enough time emotionally and physically without feeling stressed out about having to go to a party that you don’t want to attend. Honestly OP, if you don’t feel up to it, ignore all those that say you’re being unreasonable or whatever and do what you want to do.

HollyandBrambles · 01/11/2017 11:31

Why don’t you go a bit later, until the end, maybe 2/3 - 5, that way you’re not leaving the party early, you’re just arriving late!

user1471443504 · 01/11/2017 11:39

You are 5 weeks post c section, which I think some people seem to forget is major abdominal surgery! And you are still in the process of establishing breastfeeding. Yes it's 'natural' because our bodies are designed to do it but it can also be very tricky, painful and emotional. There is no normal for recovering from childbirth and dont let anyone make you feel neurotic about your recovery or your wishes for your newborn baby. Your husband included!
I would go for a bit if you are feeling fretful about it and then make your excuses and anyone who has issues with it is an arsehole.
I did take my bf 2 week old firstborn to my nieces 2nd birthday party and tbh I didnt even consider kiddy germs and I didn't mind her being passed around but that was how I was feeling at the time. Don't forget your baby will be getting some immunity from you from breastfeeding if this helps with your worry before immunisations .

SwimmingInLemonade · 01/11/2017 11:39

I don't even have kids and reading this stressed me out! I wouldn't go. From everything you've said, it's just going to be a stress, both on the day itself and all the days preceding it. You need to get yourself settled into a comfortable routine before you can endure a ton of people wanting to cuddle the baby. Their desire to "have a go" doesn't trump you and your baby's needs. If you go you'll spend the entire time feeling like you're sturggling to control what happens to your baby. There'll be plenty of times in future when they can meet him. Stay at home and relax!

OhOurBilly · 01/11/2017 11:44

Go for an hour or so, then go home. Do what you are comfortable with.

I had ds end of November last year by EMCS was up and about after a few days, exclusively bf, pushed myself to be "back to normal" result being I was absolutely floored, on my knees ill when he was seven weeks which took me about a month to get over.

I also kept a Milton hand sanitizer on the pram. And made everyone who wanted to touch him antibac their hands! It was cold and flu season, I wasn't taking any chances! At five weeks, as a new mum, my entire being revolved around this tiny boy, I would have moved heaven and earth, him fitting in with me wasn't on the agenda. You also just had also major operation, which takes time to recover from. Do what you feel able.

thecanaries · 01/11/2017 11:51

I wouldn't go no way. My DS3 vomited last night at 2 am so the vomiting bug has started and few others are off from nursery. You'd be crazy to let you 5 week old be exposed to that (its airborne too - so not just touching). If they were to get rota virus (which they are vaccinated for shortly) you might have WEEKS of hell and a very unwell baby with significant weight loss / hospitalisation.

Is it really worth it ?????

AngelaTwerkel · 01/11/2017 11:54

"But then my husband has friends who've had babies and seem to be back to normal by 5 weeks, out and about and wonder if I am being difficult."

You're not them, you don't need to try to be. I wouldn't go if you aren't feeling up to it. You don't owe anyone a "go" on your baby. When the baby's bigger I'm sure you'll feel differently.

MarriedAroundChristmas · 01/11/2017 11:58

@SilverBirchTree I wouldn't go. Our DD was born at 32 weeks, healthy, but did spent nearly 5 weeks in hospital to grow bigger. The last thing the paediatrician said when she left hospital was "if she gets a cold, she'll be re-admitted". We were very careful with where we took her, minimising the chances of colds etc. We were seen as over the top, but it worked for us.

I'd say, do what you are comfortable with. We had to ask people to wash their hands before holding her (for a few months). With so many people, that won't be possible for you. I'd say she had just been fed and was a little sicky, so best to leave her in her pram. If that is going to upset people (my MIL would be annoyed) then I wouldn't go.

Good luck with whatever you choose. As parents, we always know what's right for our family.

TabbyMumz · 01/11/2017 12:13

Most kids that age have bugs...whether they are in childcare or not. Or do other parents lock their kids away so as noone goes near them? It was a bit judgey.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 01/11/2017 12:26

I would go.Remind your husband that you have had major surgery and will be coming home after a few hours.No one will be expecting you to go for the whole day.Let a few key family members cuddles then make and excuse(changing,feeding)and return with your baby in a sling so people can only admire from then on,they won't mind.Go home when you are tired,strangely people will argue if it is about the baby but not if it is about you.