To wonder what's going on in my sisters head

[Whatthefactual]

I'm so confused, I'm torn between a blazing row or just giving up quietly, she's playing me and my parents for fools and I just don't know which way to turn
She's always "busy" swimming lessons, Pilates, work, shopping etc (aren't we all?)
For over 2 years now, every time I invite her to something e.g. My kids birthdays, Christmas party, dinner, coffee, she's ALWAYS busy, either met with weird excuses, "I'm watching tv that night" "I'm making a toad in the hole that night" or one word answers "swimming" "gym"
I've invited her to maybe 8 things in the last 2 years, she never comes, never suggests an alternative and has never invites us to do anything
So I invited her for Halloween tea, no, what about Monday, no, what about Wednesday, no
Ok, bought nephew a Halloween treat and gave it to my parents to pass on as they were seeing her the week before, she handed it back and said "I don't want all this passing things on I need her to spend time with x and bother to come and see him herself"
What the f, I can't win can I, I want to give up on life, it's so stressful
So I text saying I have something for x and need to give it to him myself and i have tried to invite her to things but she always says no
So now she replied "yeah I'm busy busy but your welcome anytime"
I said let's meet for a coffee, she said no I'm too busy come round my house
So now I'm going to her house
I'm just so Confused WWYD?

Yanbu. You’ve really tried. She sounds like a professionally busy princess. I’d say, I’d like to meet up, somewhere nice. Where and when suits? When she inevitably says my house, say, I’d really like to go out. If that doesn’t work, just say, I’ll leave it with you. Give me a shout when you’ve got time. Then I’d leave it.

I'd personally consider childrens birthday parties trump swimming football lessons etc. I think you need to talk face to face with your sister and be ready for what's said. It may seem vu to you but some people get upset easy and hold grudges!

She sounds annoying. I think you have exhausted yourself trying to get it right with her and trying to find a way to make a close relationship work. I suggest you take a step back from that now. Do what suits you and don´t take her into special consideration. Stop asking her along and go over to hers whenever you feel like it. Take out any feelings of obligation from the invitations.

You haven't answered my question about whether she has AS too and if she has then it explains exactly why she'd struggle to be flexible about things like the prom dress and the swimming; the swimming could be unmissable in her mind because it's already in the diary. And it would explain her attitude when your parents turn up unexpectedly.

She’s asked you call round. Why don’t you just do that and then take it from there?
For some reason, she thinks you should call round. No one knows why she’s snubbing your invites but wanting you to call round. We can only guess.
Just find a convenient time for both of you. Go and see her and see what happens. You might get to discuss things or you might realise that she doesn’t want to maintain the relationship.
I think all this second guessing is getting you nowhere.

No she doesn't have AS

I never really understand why people come on here to ask what's going on in someone's head but don't ask the person themselves?

Why not just say "Hey...you're my sister and I love you. I've invited you to ours X times this year and you haven't been able to make it. Am I doing something wrong? I'd love us to have a closer relationship, I feel like I'm not a part of your life and that makes me sad. Do you want to be closer? If so, what can we do?"

Non blaming. Opens the door for her to tell you what's going on. Expresses your own feelings without being over dramatic.

For those suggesting sister may have ASD or anxiety, why is the OP the only one to have to compromise when she has ASD and possibly anxiety too?

OP it must be very confusing to be given such opposing views to your question. So maybe what is important is for you to be in touch with how you feel rather than how your sister or anyone else feels about the situation. You have tried to sort it out with her but she just ranted rather than trying to resolve the situation. How many times has she tried to resolve things with you?

If you withdraw a bit it will allow space for her to come to you. If she fails to do so, you have nothing to feel guilty for because you have tried to accommodate her on her terms and she refuses to be reasonable. I don’t think one person can resolve issues in relationships. Both people have to be prepared to engage.

Put your energy into your other relationships and hope she comes round.

Sketchily I wasn't suggesting that OP has to compromise and not the sister. I was suggesting that it would explain the sister's behaviour. Understanding why someone does something puts you halfway down the road to solving the issues because it stops it being personal. Even if sister isn't on the spectrum officially it doesn't mean that she's not got autistic-type habits that are impacting (and equally it could be that she is on the spectrum but hasn't been diagnosed)

Post the Halloween thing

Then give up

She sounds nasty.

Nike I agree that might work with someone who wants to resolve the situation or compromise but not someone who gets annoyed because her sister goes to swimming lessons without her even though she had the chance to go but just didn’t want to ask her parents to look after her child. How the hell is that OP’s fault? Is she supposed to not go because her sister can’t make it? Why is she allowed to police whether or not OP goes running? Is OP not allowed to change her mind? Why does she have to check it out with the sister? It sounds like the sister (favoured child) is used to getting her own way and wants to control things still. That seems to me more plausible from the information presented than your ASD traits diagnosis. It sounds like the OP has tried to resolve things but as I said earlier, if the sister refuses to engage there’s little the OP can do about it.

I’d stop asking. It sounds like she is making excuses not to see you.

But ASD can come across as controlling - I need to control my life (I have Asperger's) and I'm sure that it could come across as trying to control others when in reality it's just about my need to control my own environment to make me feel secure & less stressed. It doesn't make it OP's fault at all, I'm not suggesting it does. But it could make the sister's actions more understandable. For instance, the swimming lessons - sister could really want to go but it would have to be at certain times when the child is otherwise normally occupied. Most people would jump at the chance of parents babysitting but someone with autistic traits might struggle with that change & refuse. But because she'd still want to go she'd get pissed off with OP for going without her because in her mind she's being deprived because it's not possible at other child-free times - it's not necessarily even anger at OP, more at the pool, but it gets aimed at OP for convenience.
I know it must seem odd to anyone neurotypical but autistic brains do work in odd ways sometimes! Equally, sister maybe completely neurotypical & just plain selfish. Without being able to see into her brain or talk to her we'll never know. But I just wanted to put forward another view that might make it easier for OP to move forward in whatever direction - not assuming that her sister is a bitch & should be avoided, but that she might just have different ways of coping with life that are at odds with OP's.

Errrr but it’s the OP who is in the spectrum
By those standards, if anyone was to look ‘controlling’, it should be her rathervthan her dsis??

Yes, but ASD runs in families a lot. Hence why I asked the question originally & why I still think it could be contributory. We're only getting OP's view of it. If her sister posted we could get a view that shows OP being equally controlling. We just have no way of knowing.

Why do you just want to disappear? Is something else going on?

Your dsis just happened to be born into the same family. This doesn't mean you have to get on. Friends can be much closer.

Goodness, sounds like hard work all round. You set yourself up for disappointment by persisting. Agree she is your sister but not friend out of choice. You seem unable to separate her work obligations from times when she may have more leeway or have to fit in with a timetable. Let it go, if your paths cross fine but stop trying to force a relationship which she seems not to want at the moment.

Your sister still has 'beef' with you so nothing you do will make it right. If you approach it, she'll go in to victim mode and that will get you nowhere. I think you two need a family intervention! Get a relly involved, someone to mediate between you to break the deadlock. Btw, I think you're an awesome sister 👍

Whatthefactual.
she wanted to see it (prom dress) on her, on the night.

You said " meet in pub car park at 6.30" but you knew your sister had to be at work at that time.

You said you didn't get home till 5.30 and trying to get your daughter ready, curling her hair with her still in pj's at 6.25 your Sister was constantly texting "when can I come over, when can I come over".

Here's what I'm wondering. Why couldn't YOUR SISTER come round while you were getting her niece ready?
Why didn't you say, "I'm really rushed babe getting her ready but come round before you go to work and you can see her before we set off for the Car Park at 6.30

You see, what I'm seeing from all this, is maybe you are a bit inflexible.
You seem to want to see your Sister at set times and occasions.
I think that she might want a more easy going, just calling round type of relationship.

It might be worth a try before you throw your friendship away forever.

It sounds like she wants you to offer to babysit her kids at yours.

itsonkyme i agree. Re the swimming OP, if you really wanted to go together you could pick a random session she could make it to one evening for eg, when the dc can be watched by someone else. Why dont you just ask her when/ what would be good for her? Oh, you did - she said to come over for coffee, and you're thinking of not going just to prove a point. Tou have also blown up on here over some VERY light criticism. Doesnt sound like you are as amenable as you think, if you dont realize it because of your aspies, trust what ppl are saying it could be interpreted as, and act accordingly.