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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what's going on in my sisters head

96 replies

Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 07:58

I'm so confused, I'm torn between a blazing row or just giving up quietly, she's playing me and my parents for fools and I just don't know which way to turn
She's always "busy" swimming lessons, Pilates, work, shopping etc (aren't we all?)
For over 2 years now, every time I invite her to something e.g. My kids birthdays, Christmas party, dinner, coffee, she's ALWAYS busy, either met with weird excuses, "I'm watching tv that night" "I'm making a toad in the hole that night" or one word answers "swimming" "gym"
I've invited her to maybe 8 things in the last 2 years, she never comes, never suggests an alternative and has never invites us to do anything
So I invited her for Halloween tea, no, what about Monday, no, what about Wednesday, no
Ok, bought nephew a Halloween treat and gave it to my parents to pass on as they were seeing her the week before, she handed it back and said "I don't want all this passing things on I need her to spend time with x and bother to come and see him herself"
What the f, I can't win can I, I want to give up on life, it's so stressful
So I text saying I have something for x and need to give it to him myself and i have tried to invite her to things but she always says no
So now she replied "yeah I'm busy busy but your welcome anytime"
I said let's meet for a coffee, she said no I'm too busy come round my house
So now I'm going to her house
I'm just so Confused WWYD?

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/11/2017 08:25

What would happen if you turned up at her house, with the gift?

I’d do that and once inside say you miss the fact you don’t see each other anymore. See what her reply is.

Zaurak · 01/11/2017 08:25

All sounds very dramatic.

Step back. Stop inviting her to stuff she doesn’t want to do and cut the drama. It’s not Eastenders.

AnnabellaH · 01/11/2017 08:25

For whatever reason she doesn't like you OP. Time to accept that, stop trying and move on.

I have very little time for one of my sisters, because we're both entirely different people and she's not particularly likeable.

I have said the same to her in the past as your sister has said to you to be honest Blush

Ghostontoast · 01/11/2017 08:26

Why waste anymore headspace over her. Just stop with the invites and reflect her behaviour back into her by ignoring her.

Ghostontoast · 01/11/2017 08:27

And bollocks to turning up at her house with a gift!

another20 · 01/11/2017 08:27

I would send a text to say.

"Have I done something to upset you? If so how can we resolve this?"

Trafalgarxxx · 01/11/2017 08:28

She doesn’t want to see you but is managing to make it out it’s your responsibility because you don’t go and see her.

If you were to just turn up at her house, she would say it’s rude and that she has other plans.

I agree with the approach of a PP. Say you would love to go to her house. Please can she tell you when she is available so you can see her dcs etc...
I’m pretty sure she will not take you on that (just like she didn’t invite you fo the b’day parties before).
But that way she won’t be able to make you look like the bad guy.

What’s the history there?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/11/2017 08:28

X posted.

She obviously feels left out of stuff so has decided to not be involved with you anymore.

Sketchily · 01/11/2017 08:28

Just wondering and speculating on v little evidence but does she like playing the victim? Because she seems to be putting you in a no-win situation so she can moan about you/paint you as the bad person, either to your parents or in her own head.

Sad as it is, I think you have to pull back. If she then complains that you don’t make the effort, you can then calmly say, if you want to make a firm commitment either to come to mine or to invite me to yours, I’d love to meet up. Otherwise this apparent game playing could just go on and on.

Littlechocola · 01/11/2017 08:29

If it’s 3 miles why can’t you just pop round one day. Maybe she doesn’t like everything having to be arranged.

crazycatlady5 · 01/11/2017 08:29

My god she sounds so petty by your last update OP, I know blood is thicker than water and all that but I’d be inclined to stop bothering.

What does your mum think?

Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 08:29

I'm not demanding she socialise with me
I have Aspergers I'm very private and a loner
She is very sociable always meeting up with friends and other mums
I feel like I've tried my best to make it work
I'm going to get house tomorrow to give the present as I have promised it and I never let anyone down

Then I will give up, it seems I've been to demanding and annoying and she doesn't like me
I get the point, it is me not her
Thanks for your replies, I find relationships too complicated to understand so at least I'm enlightened as to where I'm going wrong

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 01/11/2017 08:30

Ghost I meant the gift the OP was talking about for her neice/nephew. Not just any random gift!

Trafalgarxxx · 01/11/2017 08:30

Bybthat i mean, what’s the background history?
I’m sure there is more than the swimming.... it sounds like jealousy that has build up from when you were little.

Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 08:31

*her

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 08:32

I don't think she's jealous she was always my parents favourite and got what she wanted but I've never been bothered about that

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 01/11/2017 08:32

Perhaps she's just not that interested in your kids? You don't say how old she is, but when I was younger and child free I wasn't that fussed with small children and was caught up in my own life.

guestofclanmackenzie · 01/11/2017 08:33

My sister can be a bit like that. There was a time when I felt like it was always me making an effort and contacting her. So I decided to stop messaging her and suggesting meeting up etc and just sit back and wait for her to contact me.

She got in contact a few weeks later. I messaged back a day later. "Hi stranger, nice to hear from you, it's been too long" She got the message. I think she was just so used to me initiating contact.

jacks11 · 01/11/2017 08:33

I agree with faballeni

I really wish people would speak to each other more rather than texting or e-mailing. Especially when it's about difficult situations or conflicts. It's a very impersonal means of communication and misunderstandings occur. Obviously there may be situations where it's not possible (or safe) to see the person face to face or to speak to them on the telephone, but that would be in the minority if cases I would have thought.

OP- it does sound like your sister is behaving oddly. If you want to know why, surely it would be better to ask her directly? Explain how you feel- that she wants you to visit but always seems to busy, so you don't feel you can. And also that she turns down your invites, so you feel similarly to how she appears to feel- a bit neglected/isolated or whatever. If you don't ask, you're unlikely to ever know or understand. Even if that understanding leads you to conclude your sister is just being difficult/is trying to distance herself from you or is just strange.

Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 08:33

We are close in age, her son is primary school my children are secondary

OP posts:
Trafalgarxxx · 01/11/2017 08:34

what from what you are saying, you not doing anything wrong.
Please don’t think you’re at fault and its all down to you and the fact you have AS and therefore can’t do relationship.

The fact she doesn’t want to spend time with you is saying a lot about HER rather than about YOU

Trafalgarxxx · 01/11/2017 08:37

Ok sticking my head there.

Do you think that the issue is that you have different ways of communicating?
Somshe is very used to socialise with friends and to communicate in a certain way.
But you communicate in a another way and don’t understand each other?

Amory · 01/11/2017 08:39

I can totally sympathise. I did all the running around for my extended family for years. It was all one-way traffic.

Gifts and visits were never reciprocated. I decided to stop putting myself out. They may have been super busy, but so was I. I was working full-time, jointly responsible for two DCs and a home and undertaking a post-graduate degree in my 'spare time'.

And then I realised they had more time than me anyway but just couldn't be arsed (whole other thread).

Taking a step back worked for me. It took me a while to stop feeling guilty, until I realised the problem was theirs. I wish you well.

Merida83 · 01/11/2017 08:39

Oh my goodness she sounds like hard work. You do all the inviting but shes always busy. She does almost no inviting. And now it's you at fault over a present drop off, despite you attempting to meet up to hand it over.

I can honestly say I would be giving up. Don't have to fall out or argue. No need for it to be talked to death. Just stop inviting her and just wait and see how long it takes. And if she asks why just say you were fed up of feeling 3rd class and so unimportant to her. There's only so many invite rejections a person can take before feeling like you are begging. No one should have to beg their sister to see or spend time with them.

ZetaPuppis · 01/11/2017 08:43

She’s upset with you but it seems a bit irrational.
Go and visit her. Tell her you’re sorry if you’ve somehow upset her but you’re not aware of anything you’ve done wrong.
Ask her if she could tell you next time rather than expecting you to be psychic. Hopefully she won’t start dredging up things from the past that she’s holding grudges about.

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