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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what's going on in my sisters head

96 replies

Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 07:58

I'm so confused, I'm torn between a blazing row or just giving up quietly, she's playing me and my parents for fools and I just don't know which way to turn
She's always "busy" swimming lessons, Pilates, work, shopping etc (aren't we all?)
For over 2 years now, every time I invite her to something e.g. My kids birthdays, Christmas party, dinner, coffee, she's ALWAYS busy, either met with weird excuses, "I'm watching tv that night" "I'm making a toad in the hole that night" or one word answers "swimming" "gym"
I've invited her to maybe 8 things in the last 2 years, she never comes, never suggests an alternative and has never invites us to do anything
So I invited her for Halloween tea, no, what about Monday, no, what about Wednesday, no
Ok, bought nephew a Halloween treat and gave it to my parents to pass on as they were seeing her the week before, she handed it back and said "I don't want all this passing things on I need her to spend time with x and bother to come and see him herself"
What the f, I can't win can I, I want to give up on life, it's so stressful
So I text saying I have something for x and need to give it to him myself and i have tried to invite her to things but she always says no
So now she replied "yeah I'm busy busy but your welcome anytime"
I said let's meet for a coffee, she said no I'm too busy come round my house
So now I'm going to her house
I'm just so Confused WWYD?

OP posts:
MyOtherNamesArePants · 01/11/2017 08:44

Is she suffering from some kind of anxiety? I know when I was in the depth of it any invitation or suggestion of doing something outside of my normal (busy-ish but not mad) routine send my emotions and head into an instant "no,no,no cannot upset the finely tuned routine" panic. I may hide this with friends (try and say yes) but not so much with family - just a "No, sorry, busy".

It is a horrible place to be. Now I have emerged from the worst of the anxiety I have far more of a grip. Far more ability to be flexible, spontaneous, accept invitations etc etc.

I am not saying this is what is happening - but could it be possible?

I think, as PP have said, you need to just ask her. On the phone or face to face. Talk.

whiskyowl · 01/11/2017 08:45

It sounds as though a lot of petty hurt has built up on both sides over incredibly minor things. She's now avoiding you like the plague, quite deliberately, and then trying to avoid dealing with the consequences of this by making out that it's you who isn't putting in the effort. It's all a bit childish to be honest - I think the only way to break out of this is for one of you to be the bigger person and hold out an olive branch. Otherwise, you need to let this relationship fade into the background more.

Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 08:47

I don't know I just can't get my head around it all, she wants me to spend time with x but she doesn't want to meet up I don't understand what she wants or what to do
It's making me so unhappy
Thanks for the replies
I'm going to ask for the thread to be deleted soon as it's very outing

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 08:50

But years ago we went though all this prom dress/swimming saga I thought we were over it, but she must still be holding a grudge

OP posts:
Juicyfruitloop · 01/11/2017 08:50

She seems to think her activities and life is more important than I hers.

Go see her this time, tell her you will leave it in her hands to make contact and arrange the best meet up, I'd leave it with her.

YANBU.

Juicyfruitloop · 01/11/2017 08:51

Meant - more important than yours.

redexpat · 01/11/2017 08:52

Do you want to have a relationship with her, or do you feel like you should because shes your sister?

ZaphodBeeblerox · 01/11/2017 08:59

She sounds like she doesn’t want to see you. I think the only real impact of your AS on this situation is that you’re putting us with a lot more snubbing than most of us would.

You invited her to Christmas in October, and she said she is watching a movie that night?

That’s not remotely reasonable behaviour.

If she wasn’t your sister would you put up with even a tenth of this BS? Just step back and let the relationship fade into keeping in touch via your parents. It isn’t worth it.

And don’t bother passing on gifts then. By the same coin she hasn’t seen you in 2 years or your kids, presumably not got them any gifts (or passed them on via parents).. all things that she is annoyed at you for! Such double standards!!

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/11/2017 09:02

"I did ask her ages ago what was going on and she started ranting about how I went swimming and didn't invite her (I did invite her" etc etc etc

It does sound to me from this post that you are each viewing the other in the same way, and if your DSis was posting we'd be hearing virtually the same story.

If that's the case, it will continue until one of you decides to be the bigger (and more lightened up) person and stops 'expecting'. Simply continues to invite, without judgement or expectation. Drops in to the others, without invitation, simply to say "Hi, don't worry, if your too busy I'll just drop this cake/childs gift/whatever off. I just wanted to see you for a moment". And to do this without needing reciprocation, so it won't matter if that doesn't come.

If the alternative is to never see your sister, to always be at loggerheads, then isn't it worth the tiny amounts of time it takes? I'd love to see my sister.

What do your parents say? Presumably they see you both.

LaughingElliot · 01/11/2017 09:07

Families are complex and weird. You are not alone in having family who treat you with indifference. I know it hurts. I don’t think you can know what’s going on in her head though or change her. I think maybe it’s time to accept they she isn’t interested in seeing you. Or too immature to express her hurt at whatever slight she suffered (who could know?!) and there isn’t a lot you can do about that either.

Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 09:10

My parents are fed up with it too, she's always awkward about meeting up with them, they popped round once to be greeted with "what are you doing here" they feel like puppets on a string or they wouldn't see their grandchild, they said she only calls when she wants something

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 09:12

But I did invite her swimming, she couldn't go because of the timetable, not my fault!
She couldn't see my daughter in her prom dress beacause she had to go to work, not my fault!

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 01/11/2017 09:15

What do your parents make of it all, OP?

Nikephorus · 01/11/2017 09:21

Does she have AS as well? (Given as how it often runs in families) Because it sounds like you're both taking offence, and also she might be finding all the requests too much: I say I'm busy if I feel like I've had too much on for me even though it would be someone else's idea of a quiet time. It sounds like you need to do some face to face unemotional talking.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/11/2017 09:23

My parents are fed up with it too, she's always awkward about meeting up with them, they popped round once to be greeted with "what are you doing here"

How is her relationship? I would take that as a huge red flag tbh if she is being isolated from her family.

Thinkingofausername1 · 01/11/2017 09:25

Sounds like a friend of mine. Or two. Sometimes, unfortunately people are selfish and you aren’t a priority!

BanyanTree · 01/11/2017 09:30

Lots of people dream of having a sister but I know of quite a few who really do not get along!

I think you are wasting too much time worrying about her and what she is doing. I'd put your energies into your own friends and other family members. I'd send her a note drawing a line under it and putting the ball in her court. I'd say "I understand you are very busy. Drop me a line when you have more free time as I'd love to catch up with you". Then I'd leave her to it knowing that I had done my best but was no longer willing to bang my head against a brick wall.

FritzDonovan · 01/11/2017 09:33

You invited her to Christmas in October, and she said she is watching a movie that night?

That’s not remotely reasonable behaviour.

But it is if it was a Christmas movie spent snuggling up on the sofa as part of their family xmas routine...

She couldn't see my daughter in her prom dress because she had to go to work, not my fault!

Not hers either. I don't see why it was turned into a major drama and she wasnt just invited to pop in to see the dress when she could make it.

Sorry OP, but you don't sound as flexible as you may imagine yourself to be, from what I have read so far. Giving her an invitation to something when she is busy or can't do it (the swimming) shouldnt be held against her as an example of her brushing you off. I understand you gave her an option of mon and wed for the Halloween thimg. If she does have lots of friends she is busy with, it is possible that she WAS busy with lots of kids stuff in addition to the usual. Most of the primary kids i know have playdates and after school activities, esp around seasonal celebrations.

And 8 events in 2 years is NOT a lot to be invited to, esp if they are on fixed dates when it is possible she is busy.

I've been invited to my sister's house twice in over 10 years. She just doesn't like having ppl round. I don't hold it against her.

There are always two sides to a story, and I'm sure your sister has a different view of it. She obviously feels slighted over some things. Why not ask her again, and work through it?

littlebird7 · 01/11/2017 09:43

Honestly I would give up, but discreetly.

In your own mind channel your attentions elsewhere with friendships and relationships that bring more joy and happiness than this one is bringing you. Choose carefully how you wish to spend your time and I would not invite her to anything else and let her come to you if she wants to.

If she questions the lack of invites just say that she is always busy and you don't bother her with them anymore, being truthful but gentle.

I would say there are so many people I would like to see more of, family included and I simply do not have the time either. She might be genuinely squeezed for time or have other worries going on.

For you own sanity step back, no rows or upset. Just quiet acceptance that for whatever reason she needs more space or time to herself, and you can enjoy those same things without her just as well.

lurkingnotlurking · 01/11/2017 10:04

You sound like a good sister. I think you've done enough. So the ball is in your court - do you want to put up with more of her excuses or do you want to continue?

Itsonkyme · 01/11/2017 10:04

Your Sister does sound like an absolute pain in the arse. I would of given up ages ago.
But, after reading through carefully, she has knocked you back for every suggestion of "meeting up", "coming for Christmas" etc
The one thing she has asked you to do, is call round , so why don't you do that.
Perhaps she doesn't want to be kept to appointments but would be ok with "the calling round" .
That's what our family does anyway. We just call round for a coffee, to see nephew x, for a couple of minutes. If shes busy when we get there, say "it's ok, I'll just play with x while your busy, can get a cofffee, shall I make you one", and believe me, if you cant do that with your own sister, you havnt got any sort of relationship with her. So leave it!

Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 11:17

She had chance to see the fucking prom dress whenever she wanted, but she wanted to see it on her, on the night,
I told her it was meet in the pub car park for limos and photos at 6.30 but she had to be at work
I got home from work at 5.30 and was still curling my daughters hair at 6.25 with her sat in her pyjamas with my sister constantly texting "when can I come over, when can I come over"
Her time is not more important than my time, I told her its 6.30 at the pub weeks beforehand,
What does she expect me to do, change the fucking prom date

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 11:19

So some people are saying it's too demanding to invite someone to things and expect them to maybe come
But others are saying 10 times isn't enough times to invite someone
I don't have a problem with being busy, I'm busy too, I have 3 jobs and 3 kids, but to never offer an alternative or be invited back???????

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthefactual · 01/11/2017 11:23

I'm giving up, I'm actually broken by all this, it ruins every special occasion, and for those of you who think a 5 year old swimming lesson is more important than your own neices birthday party I don't know what to say, come before the swimming lesson, come after the swimming lesson,
And then to say I don't spend anytime with x
Of fuck off
I just want to disappear

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 01/11/2017 11:29

It sounds as though the prom dress thing meant a lot to her, and she felt excluded that you didn't do more to include her. I'm not saying you were wrong - sometimes these small events become (rightly or wrongly) a kind of lightning rod for all kinds of negative energies that are building up in a relationship. She's clearly now in a zone where she is both saying she's always busy AND moaning that you never make an effort - which means essentially that you can't win. She sounds rude to your parents too.

I think you probably need to talk to her straight up about how this is making you feel, stressing that you do want a relationship with her. And be prepared to bend a little to suit her - sometimes it's not all about the rules and regulations, and a little flexibility can really be worth it to make someone feel included. She needs to meet you half-way with a better attitude, though, mind.