Who is BU? DM or me?

[Dilema1234]

Name changed as quite personal and a tricky situation and I genuinely don’t know who is BU, but I’m prepared to be told I am. I’m a bit sensitive so please go easy on me!

I’m pregnant and my relationship has broken down with my partner due to his alcoholism and mismanagement of finances. We are pretty skint and have no savings or assets. I’ve not been able to work during my pregnancy after some complications were discovered earlier on and I’ve been on bedrest for quite some time. I’m self-employed so no sickness pay from an employer.

I won’t be able to get back to a paid job until this baby is 6 months or so and will struggle with rent in London plus full time nursery fees. Actually my monthly wage would just about pay for nursery and rent and nothing else. Here is the AIBU: my mum who lives abroad owns an investment property in the country she lives in as well as her owning her primary residence - I asked her if she’d sell the investment property to buy a small 1 bed flat for my baby and I in London but that the property would still be in her name, her investment, and part of her retirement (she’s only in her early 50s so not planning on retiring anytime soon). I said it would only be for a few years till I get back on my feet but the property is still essentially hers and her investment. She point-blank refused and said no.

AIBU to think she should help me out if she has the means? Or am I being entitled? My alternative is to stay with alcoholic partner until I can get a council property.

I think my parents would offer similar help if I found myself in that situation - but not simply letting me pick and choose which of their assets they would dispense to me, and how!

I would be going to live your mum, and using the first six months to work out a sensible plan for relocation to a more affordable area.

You won’t just get rehoused either especially in London. Please think about your options for a better life for you both.... and I mean your child- not the man child.

Yabvvvu! Unbelievable! I’d say no to you just for your sheer cheek! Sell your property and buy me a flat in London to live rent free!
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for help (but not dictate the help) but your updates show your Mum has been more than supportive.

Your mum is not very helpful but it's not a given that she should if she feels she's worked hard to get where she's got. Why don't you leave London and live more cheaply?

Sound s like your mum is trying to protect you and the baby by offering to house you. I'd imagine she's worried that she'll end up housing and funding your alcoholic ex, and that you won't be able to get away from him.

Have you reported your ex to the police, if he's guilty of violence? Can you access refuge / women's aid services? Could your mum lend you a cash deposit to rent elsewhere?

YABU. It's not for your mum to sort this out. It's nice of her to offer to stay in her home.

What you're asking is massive. It costs tens of thousands to sell and buy a property. You have nothing to pay the rent with. And she doesn't want a rental property abroad where she presumably can't maintain it so easily.

I would go and stay with her so that you can get used to looking after your baby with support and without financial worries. Then make a plan for the future.

She is offering you the very best help, a chance to start over away from your addicted ex-partner. As and when your ex sorts his addiction out your dc can have a relationship with him. Until his has dealt with his addiction your dc cannot have a meaningful relationship with him, regardless of where you are living.

Mummy - I need a house - buy me one.

Is she worried you will move the alcoholic ex in and then she'll be stuck with a property she gets no rent on and can't sell from under you?

To add - i am sorry you are in this situation - truly - BUT this is why people need to think about if they can afford a family! My DH and I earn good money, but would have to massively change our current lifestyle and make big sacrifices to afford a child - so we don't have one.

It's a choice.

If it was one of my kids I would definitely do it, if fact I’ve just bought my eldest his own flat, however, if You were my daughter I’d want you as far from your alcoholic ex partner and I think that’s what she’s trying to do, She wants you away from him so you and your baby can be safe and properly looked after, go home to your mum, you can have your baby and then decide what you want to do. Our life doesn’t always work out the way we plan but that is so we have other options, being away from London and not having the stress and financial worry of looking after your child by yourself will give you breathing space . London isn’t going anywhere, you can always go back.

She has offered to house the baby and I at her house

^ Then she's not exactly being unreasonable^ is she. You've asked for help, she's offered a compromise and said 'no, I can't do that, how about this instead...'

The realistic options left to you may not be your ideal scenario, but as your pipe dream is off the table, it's time to start considering one

I think families should support each other but I don't think it is reasonable to ask your mum to buy you a flat in London.

I agree with this. Its perfectly reasonable to ask your mum for help but specifying how she helps you is unreasonable. Its not clear why you need to stay in london. Even if you dont move to your mums you could leave london and get somewhere half the price, literally. DH can travel to see his DC. If it was me though i would move in with my mum. You will need the support with a baby and no partner.

I think you should accept your mum’s offer and go and live with her. It may not be your ideal scenario, but it sounds far better than the alternatives.

You know she didn't hear what she wanted to hear so she gave up on this aaaaages ago, right?

Why don't you ask her if she can loan you the deposit and first month's rent for a flat instead?

What you need right now is to move asap and you need the funds to do it.
Then claim what you're entitled to as a single parent.
You can then find work to fit your routine/search for better longterm housing.

Asking/expecting your mum to risk her retirement/investment to help you out 'short term'/til 'you get back on your feet' is not reasonable in this situation.
Your ex won't be of any use to you or the baby due to his alcoholism and mismanagement of finances.
So all parenting/childcare will be down to you alone.

Personally, i'd take the chance at starting completely afresh and take her up on her offer of moving to the other property - provided you are able to get employment there.
Doesn't have to be longterm/forever.

If this guy can't even help himself with basics or manage/deal with his addiction....he's not going to a 'good dad' to your dc.
If, at some point, he cleans up his act and proves he can be responsible/relied on then he can sort out contact

You were both being unreasonable. Any good parent would do that but a good child wouldn't ask.

It all depends on your personal history, OP. It’s a big ask of your Mum and I see her POV.
Going to live with her seems a great solution and a lovely gesture - and if you are really in need you’d take it. Maybe she’s concerned that you’ll go back to your alcoholic partner or you may have a relationship history that concerns her etc etc.