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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? DM or me?

96 replies

Dilema1234 · 31/10/2017 12:38

Name changed as quite personal and a tricky situation and I genuinely don’t know who is BU, but I’m prepared to be told I am. I’m a bit sensitive so please go easy on me!

I’m pregnant and my relationship has broken down with my partner due to his alcoholism and mismanagement of finances. We are pretty skint and have no savings or assets. I’ve not been able to work during my pregnancy after some complications were discovered earlier on and I’ve been on bedrest for quite some time. I’m self-employed so no sickness pay from an employer.

I won’t be able to get back to a paid job until this baby is 6 months or so and will struggle with rent in London plus full time nursery fees. Actually my monthly wage would just about pay for nursery and rent and nothing else. Here is the AIBU: my mum who lives abroad owns an investment property in the country she lives in as well as her owning her primary residence - I asked her if she’d sell the investment property to buy a small 1 bed flat for my baby and I in London but that the property would still be in her name, her investment, and part of her retirement (she’s only in her early 50s so not planning on retiring anytime soon). I said it would only be for a few years till I get back on my feet but the property is still essentially hers and her investment. She point-blank refused and said no.

AIBU to think she should help me out if she has the means? Or am I being entitled? My alternative is to stay with alcoholic partner until I can get a council property.

OP posts:

confusedlittleone · 31/10/2017 13:42

The very fact she's offered you an alternative and isn't just saying sort it out yourself means she's 10000% not BU, just because it isn't the solution you want doesn't mean she isn't trying.

Hissy · 31/10/2017 13:42

What is healthcare/maternity services like where your DM lives?

TiredMumToTwo · 31/10/2017 13:44

Go & live with your Mum - it’s kind of her to offer you somewhere to live with your baby.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/10/2017 13:44

I'm bemused at your last post which mine crossed with OP. It's a 'big ask' to uproot yourself to go and be housed at your mum's place? For your baby and yourself to have a roof over your head?

It's a big imposition on your mum - and she's willing to do that for you. You really are sounding like a brat. You have nothing in London, no home, no money, no job to speak of - and no relationship. And you think that uprooting yourself is a 'big ask'? You have no idea how bad your life could be without your mum's offer and if you have sense, you'll thank her and grab the opportunity for a new life with both hands.

Your baby's father can always visit his child should he be minded to do so. I hope he pays maintenance.

ButchyRestingFace · 31/10/2017 13:45

She has offered to house the baby and I at her house but that would mean uprooting my whole life here which is a big ask and even though my partner is an alcoholic

That sounds very generous. She isn't refusing to help you wholesale - that would be quite unkind, I think.

Perhaps going to live with your mother for a while would give you some headspace to consider your options? Do you think your partner would kick up a fuss if you did this?

BarbarianMum · 31/10/2017 13:46

If I was your mum I would actively want you and your child a good, long way away from this man. Addicts make shit partners and shit parents and she's probably really worried that he'll suck you in for "a second chance" and you'll be here again 3 years down the line, with your life properly broken and maybe a couple of children to support.

Whether you go live with your mum depends on a lot of things, not least how you get on and how you see your future. But please prioritise what is right for you/the baby and this man is not it.

SilverSpot · 31/10/2017 13:47

You have nothing in London, no home, no money, no job to speak of - and no relationship

What is stopping you going to live with your mum? You're in a shit situation in London.

Skint. PG. Alcoholic Ex. (fab life decisions there...) Go and live with your mum and get back on your feet.

troodiedoo · 31/10/2017 13:49

Sorry but you are bu. Surely you can see you are asking a massive huge favour, and she doesn't owe you an explanation for her decision.

Has she helped you in the past?

Bodear · 31/10/2017 13:50

She has offered to house the baby and I at her house but that would mean uprooting my whole life here which is a big ask

Apart from she’s not asking; you are. You want (need?) help and she’s offered it with a way to move you and your baby away from an actively alcoholic partner.

You should bite her hand off. Yes it’s moving away from what you know but it’s the best start for your baby

BowiesJumper · 31/10/2017 13:51

I would do this for my child. And I understand why you asked, you're desperate.

It's a shame she can't help you. Are your skills transferable to where she lives, so you could work from there? Or do you think she wouldn't want you living with her either?

SonyaY · 31/10/2017 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wibblywobblywoo · 31/10/2017 13:52

Have to agree with PP's - it isn't as easy as 'buy me a flat' there are many costs involved that would run into many thousands of pounds, if your DM is in her early 50's now she could want to retire in 7 or 8 years - will that be another AIBU from you then 'my DM wants to sell flat and make me and 7 yr old DC homeless...' As others have said if she is getting an income from the current property she would lose that and if things are so tight for you financially could you guarantee you'd always be able to pay the going rate in the new flat or would you expect your DM to take less 'because it's you' - or even overlook if you stopped paying completely ........

What may to you seem like a straightforward solution to your current problems is actually a complex ask and a situation that could see your DM out of pocket by thousands and with ongoing issues into the future.

FrancisCrawford · 31/10/2017 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shoeaddict83 · 31/10/2017 13:54

She has offered to house the baby and I at her house but that would mean uprooting my whole life here which is a big ask
you really cannot see the irony of this statement!
Surely this is the best solution - you have help, you get away from an alcoholic partner and start fresh. Your Mum IS helping you, just because its not buying you a flat in an expensive capital city like you want does not mean she isnt helping.
Sorry but YABU

ButchyRestingFace · 31/10/2017 13:54

I get the impression she would get back with the father and let him move in if mummy did buy her a flat

Don't think she's left him yet...

wibblywobblywoo · 31/10/2017 13:57

Your last post crossed with mine OP and I am also - your DM is offering you a home and support and you deem that 'a big ask' ????
basically I'd reiterate everything LyingWitch has said.

QueenofallIsee · 31/10/2017 13:57

You are surely taking the piss OP? You aren't sure who is being unreasonable? Have a word!

Littlepleasures · 31/10/2017 13:58

She buys you a flat in London. Alchoholic partner moves back in with you. She has facilitated a miserable life for her daughter and granddaughter. I would give my dd the world but if she was in your position I would do the same as your mum. A good mum does what’s best for you, which is not always what you might think you want at that moment in time.

Birdsgottafly · 31/10/2017 14:00

She wants to help you and look after you, but doesn't want to be put in the position of having to throw you and your alcoholic Partner (when you give in) out.

You should go and tell your ex that he has x months to sort himself out, if his child means anything to him. Then see what choices you have.

Those saying that they would do it for you possible have never had a Adult DD in an abusive relationship. If you back her, you back him and your Mother is saying that she won't be dragged into the poor house by the pair of you.

If you go to her, you'll thank her in the long run.

SilverySurfer · 31/10/2017 14:13

Dilema1234
She has offered to house the baby and I at her house but that would mean uprooting my whole life here which is a big ask

Your DM is NBU but you are and incredibly entitled.

You chose to have a child with an alcoholic

You choose to live in London

You choose not to take your DM's offer to live with her.

As an adult you need to live with the consequences of your actions.

RaquelWelch · 31/10/2017 14:18

If she sells her rental property she will have to pay capital gains tax on the rise in value

MiddleClassProblem · 31/10/2017 14:43

I don’t understand your London ties either. But you could be staying with her even in a temporary basis.

You’re in a shitty situation but you chose to have a baby. It’s your responsibility not hers. Although it would be lovely for her help and many get that help, it’s not a right so “should” is not the right view. But she has offered to help and some aren’t even as lucky as you to get that offer.

Good luck OP x

Glumglowworm · 31/10/2017 14:46

Your mum is offering to house you and your child.

She quite understandably doesn't want to sell existing property to buy you a flat in London.

You've made choices here, having a baby with an alcoholic and living in London which is hugely expensive. You made those choices, not your mother, it's your mess to sort out not your mother's.

You have no partner, no other children, no job and no home in London. That's about as easy to uproot as it's possible to be!

bluebells1 · 31/10/2017 14:52

'She has offered to house the baby and I at her house but that would mean uprooting my whole life here which is a big ask'

You have a very generous mum.

BabyDreams2018 · 31/10/2017 14:56

Yabu. You have asked. Your DM has said No. You need to accept her decision and move on. Can the Baby's father's family help out since he is causing the biggest problem?

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