Who is BU? DM or me?

[Dilema1234]

Name changed as quite personal and a tricky situation and I genuinely don’t know who is BU, but I’m prepared to be told I am. I’m a bit sensitive so please go easy on me!

I’m pregnant and my relationship has broken down with my partner due to his alcoholism and mismanagement of finances. We are pretty skint and have no savings or assets. I’ve not been able to work during my pregnancy after some complications were discovered earlier on and I’ve been on bedrest for quite some time. I’m self-employed so no sickness pay from an employer.

I won’t be able to get back to a paid job until this baby is 6 months or so and will struggle with rent in London plus full time nursery fees. Actually my monthly wage would just about pay for nursery and rent and nothing else. Here is the AIBU: my mum who lives abroad owns an investment property in the country she lives in as well as her owning her primary residence - I asked her if she’d sell the investment property to buy a small 1 bed flat for my baby and I in London but that the property would still be in her name, her investment, and part of her retirement (she’s only in her early 50s so not planning on retiring anytime soon). I said it would only be for a few years till I get back on my feet but the property is still essentially hers and her investment. She point-blank refused and said no.

AIBU to think she should help me out if she has the means? Or am I being entitled? My alternative is to stay with alcoholic partner until I can get a council property.

YABU - but i do feel sorry fo you. Its your mums money to do as she pleases. Just because you have made certain choices in life does not mean she has to bail you out. Sorry OP. Good luck.

What would also worry me, if I were your mother, is if you get back with loser partner. If he gets a foothold in the flat, no matter whose name it is in, I think it might be very difficult and costly to get him removed. I have no idea about the law but I wonder if he could make some sort of financial claim over the property at some point in the future.

Would you ask her to take money out of her pension? Because this is basically what you are doing. Have you looked into the tax implications of her owning property in London? What happens if you don't "find your feet" in a couple of years, does she make you and her grandchild homeless? And what does you "finding your feet" look like, being in a position to buy your own home?

The reality is that, once your baby is born, your priority will be keeping a roof over your heads. You are not going to be happy to be moved on in a few years because of your mum's retirement plans.

I get that you're in a bad situation, but imo.. yabu. You need to seek help from women's aid.
Your mum has no obligation to help house you at this point. You sound like you're in a bad situation, but why should she sell her property to let you live rent free?
You may need to move from London, it's an expensive place to live. I say that living in London, zone 3.

You’re unreasonable to put your mum in that position. It’s not just that or stay with your ex, those aren’t the only options! Good luck sorting out something else.

She said she’s refusing because it would jeopardise her retirement

That’s what I assumed the reason would be from reading your OP.

People are absolutely terrified for the future.

Can you go and stay with your mum?

If you're not working, you could rest as easily somewhere abroad as in London. If you get on with your mum she might be pleased to help you, I'm sure she's worried.

If that's not an option unless there's some dire circumstance you're not sharing, it's very unlikely you will get a council property in London.

Lots of families are being moved out to other cities as there's nothing available there.

It doesn’t look like you can afford to stay in London. If you’re self employed, surely there’s somewhere else cheaper to live.

I think families should support each other but I don't think it is reasonable to ask your mum to buy you a flat in London. As she lives abroad this could be expensive and complicated for her, she would also make no return in the short term on her investment as you would not be entitled to housing benefit. In the longer term with Brexit it is more uncertain what will happen to the property market. Buying a house as others have pointed out is both very expensive and stressful.

You could ask her for a loan and think about what you can do to manage your situation, showing her that you are also prepared to take steps to sort out the situation you are currently in.

I think whoareyoukidding makes a very good point, OP. Your alcoholic ex might cause huge problems if he spies that you have a property and perhaps your mum has this in mind.

Have you asked her for her advice? What she might actually be able to do to help you? I can't believe that she wouldn't do anything but I can believe that she will not enable you to make more poor decisions at her cost this time.

YABU, sorry. She has told you the flat is for her retirement. Who are you to say that the income from the flat (which she would forfeit) is not part of that retirement plan? It's a big big ask.

It's extremely difficult to know whether you're being entitled or not without knowing the intricacies of this situation in a lot more depth. I'm guessing that the property your DM owns in this other country is probably pretty palatial if it is the equivalent of a London flat. Asking someone very wealthy to help out in case of desperate need is very different from asking someone to put their entire retirement on the line to do so. As PPs have said, there may be all kinds of practical obstacles to this plan working, too.

Is there nowhere else you can go while you wait for a council property? Can anyone with knowledge of the housing system advise whether it would benefit you to declare yourself homeless at this point, rather than enduring an alcoholic ex and more financial mismanagement?

Muuuuuuumy I neeeeeeed a flat for my very own in Laaaaaaaandaaaaaaan GET IT FOR ME NOW

I would also point out that if she is living abroad she probably won't want to invest in property in the UK.

With the uncertainty surrounding Brexit and the impact that is having and may continue to have on exchange rates could really affect her.

We are renting our home abroad where we are living and still have our property in the UK and it is a big worry for us. If we sold and brought the money here to buy a property here, the current exchange rate could currently costs us thousands.

It was not unreasonable to ask and it is not unreasonable for her to say no. What would be unreasonable would be to not accept her decision.

Don't let it ruin your relationship.

I asked her if she’d sell the investment property to buy a small 1 bed flat for my baby and I in London but that the property would still be in her name, her investment, and part of her retirement (she’s only in her early 50s so not planning on retiring anytime soon).

for my baby and I - you see that to me is emotional manipulation right there. You are asking her to sell something she owns because you and your OH - for whatever reasons - cant fund yourselves.

It could be that she loathes your OH and wants nothing to do with him, doesnt support your relationship with him and isnt going to do anything that facilitates your relationship

it could be that she doesn't want to see you settled. My mother really started to put the boot in somehow when I split with my abusive ex. it's like she wanted to keep me down.

You have asked, she's said no. that is her prerogative.

You can't afford to live in London my love, you need to set yourself up outside of town.

I don't think you are BU to ask. I suppose she's not technically BU to refuse, but she's hardly being kind, either.

I think there are a lot of other options here, why not go and stay with your mum for a bit and explore them. She may be very worried about you. The fact that she isn't prepared to buy a flat doesn't mean she wouldn't help you at all.
You could stay with your mum for a while, investigate the benefits you could get as a single parent to help towards nursery payments, move out of London to somewhere with cheaper rents....
I think its too big an ask. There could be a lot of tax implications to selling her existing property - and she may be worried that if you and your partner move in, evicting him could be very difficult indeed. But that doesn't mean she wouldn't support you in a different way

Thanks for all your replies. I hadn't thought about capital gains tax or stamp duty or anything like that if she sells her investment property and buys another one here.

I'm just in a really shitty situation and can't see straight. She has offered to house the baby and I at her house but that would mean uprooting my whole life here which is a big ask and even though my partner is an alcoholic, I would have liked for our baby to have some sort of relationship with his or her dad.

She may want the freedom to sell her property to finance whatever it is she wants to do, whenever she wants to do it. if you are in a flat she owns, somehow she'll find it harder to say "it's up for sale" knowing that somehow you may make it her problem to find a new place to live then too.

I actually misread your post OP, I thought he was your EX when you said the relationship had broken down. No way would I facilitate him draining any resources.

If the relationship is gone get out of there. You will have more scope as a lone parent than if you're dragging this dead-weight around with you. What are you thinking?

It would probably cost her 50k or more in capital gains, stamp duty and sellers fees. She lives abroad. Much better to help you in some other way.

I would have liked for our baby to have some sort of relationship with his or her dad.

Do you think alcoholics make good parents OP?

Put yourself and your baby first. Could you do what you do here, there?

YABU to ask your mum to buy you a flat in London - but would not be unreasonable to ask for some short term financial assistance if she can afford it which you will pay back in due course.