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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants to hijack my 50th birthday party

79 replies

Nutellamad · 30/10/2017 13:26

I met a very close friend when home for a few days in my hometown in Ireland (I have been living in France for the last 20 years). We had a lovely dinner until we were about to say goodbye when she mentioned that since we will both be 50 next year, we could maybe get other friends together who will also be 50 to do a group party. I said, funny you should say that, since DH didn’t get around to doing his 50th three years ago, he suggested us doing a 50th birthday for the two of us next year. I told her that we would soon be letting people know the date since we hope some family and friends could travel over from Ireland and the UK for the party making the most of the occasion to get old friends together.

She started insisting saying that’s why she wants to do the party with me so that we reminisce with the old friends (she used to live in France and knew our group of friends). I felt very awkward and tried explaining that since we are definitely doing the party, that she will get to have a great time with all our old group of friends (nearly all of whom she hasn’t kept in contact with but that I have).

She again insisted that she wanted it to be her party too. I said that we would be doing it in France so that might be difficult for her friends or family to come to. She said that she wouldn’t be inviting family; she prefers her work colleagues not to know her age so she wouldn’t invite them; and that her three good friends from her hometown wouldn’t be the type that would go to France for the party. She said she would like to see our old group of friends.

I reiterated that she will see them, since I was inviting them anyway but that it didn’t make sense it being her party too if she wasn’t inviting anyone that was from her side.

She got annoyed, saying she didn’t understand why I was being difficult.

I explained again that I really didn’t understand the logic of me and my husband organizing the party (possibly at our house), sending the invites, preparing the food and drink, inviting piles of people she doesn’t know (plus the ones she does know) and yet say on the invites that it’s a party for us and for my friend…

She then got into a huff and said there was no point continuing speaking since I was being difficult, making a problem out of it. And she left.

I absolutely hate confrontations and falling out with people but this annoyed me because I think she is being unreasonable. We haven’t yet spoken since then and I’m worried she will not let this drop.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 30/10/2017 17:35

She basically wants you to throw a party for her in France!

Were the group of mutual friends in France your friends that she hijacked-unusual you both being in France?

QueenLetizia · 30/10/2017 17:39

I find they do still do that yes. I have emotionally deinvested (what's the word?!) but I used to be hurt when I discovered that women I was friendly with had got together with husbands in tow and gone to restaurants without me. I'm sure they still do it but now i don't care as their friendships may have grown tighter and I've stopped bothering and stopped caring or investing in to friendships with women who never include me after dark, ha ha. One woman, from school, I just axed her, sounds mean but she hurt me. I still go for a coffee with another bunch of women (all married) but I never ever ask them to anything in the evening or try to arrange anything in the evening. I know they won't go. Either i don't go out or I go on internet dates or I invite single friends over. Only have one or two of those. Tonight I'm going out with a LOVELY friend but her husband won't be joining us. He'd be welcome to but he's not going to. I used to rail against it (internally, you can't DO anything). I hope I have the nerve to have a fiftieth. I really want to be less apologetic about being single by the time I'm 50. Well, I'm not. But when it comes to throwing a party I realise it would be difficult in a way that couples can't imagine, because if they invite over one couple each that's nearly a party already.

kissmethere · 30/10/2017 21:47

Well end of story then. She's freeloading and latching on. Just carry on with your own plans and if she brings it up again say no you don't want to do it. She sounds like a brat really.

Orangealien · 31/10/2017 10:41

All the hallmarks of a cheeky fucker
The main one being that when you deny their ridiculous request, they start telling you that you are mean and difficult Hmm

Itsonkyme · 31/10/2017 12:53

Same thing happened to me with my daughter's Christening! All arranged by me: church, Christening Venue, food, Chistening cake etc
When my pushy Sil decided that as they hadn't had couldn't be arsed to their son, 9months older "done" she would join in with me.
I was not keen, to put it mildly as lots of my friends and family who didn't know this side of the family would be attending and came up with various excuses regarding this and invitations a!ready in the process and cake being ordered. Etc.
She rail-roaded through with, oh don't you worry about all that I'll sort it out.
She went into printers and had the invitations altered, then the cake people to have his details added. Then used her Mil's address with the Vicar to join the Service.
All she paid to was half the invites she had ordered and said that the family that I had invited were her family too so there was only her Mum, Dad and sister to make any difference.
Suppose you can tell, still FUMING to this day and daughter will be 30 this year. Grin

GinnyWreckin · 31/10/2017 17:50

Watch out she doesn’t get wind of the date and have a bash of her own so your guests have to choose!

She does sound like she’s having a major wobble over her age.... lying to everyone at work etc.

Does she feel old and past it. Maybe she wants a party with you so she doesn’t feel bad about the big 5 0, on her own. She sounds remarkably self unexamined.

However, that’s all her problem, not yours.

I’d go ahead and plan my own bash with my DH, and let her spin in the wind. I’d even tell her the date as being much much later than it will be.

I’d watch out for a quick back stab, as she fixates on you and your DH’s party as being the “problem with her life”.
My guess is she’ll try and sabotage it as she isn’t going to enjoy her own party, so she’ll try and ruin yours.

Watch out!!

eddielizzard · 31/10/2017 17:54

she wants the limelight and the presents too, and not to be just a guest. best to leave it. of course you shouldn't throw her a party. she has to throw her own!

Itsonkyme · 31/10/2017 18:02

Wise advice from GinnyWreckin.

She sounds like a Frenemy.

FaveNumberIs2 · 31/10/2017 18:05

She wants the glory but none of the cost and effort. She’s not a real friend. Let her go.

StormTreader · 31/10/2017 18:07

She wants to go to your party and have all the people there give her a present as well.

cheval · 31/10/2017 18:26

Think you handled it well and have had a lucky escape. She sounds a nut job and not someone you need in your life.

Someonessnackbitch · 31/10/2017 19:57

You both sound a bit difficult

EvilDemonRaspberryOverlord · 31/10/2017 19:59

Why would you think the OP was being difficult?

PurplePenguins · 31/10/2017 20:49

Sounds like she has few or no friends

Definitely. If she was to have a party at home she'd be alone. Work colleagues aren't invited so they don't know her age. She's not inviting family and most of her friends are in France. She sounds lonely 😢

Alidoll · 31/10/2017 21:48

She defo sounds lonely and probably doesn't think enough people would come to her party so thinks that by combining, it's hitting two birds with the one stone. She might also not like being the centre of attention and thinks by having both of you there, it'll divert some of it perhaps? She might also not be able to afford a lavish party and hopes to share the costs...loads of reasons why shes asked and might not be simply because she wants to hijack the event unless she's got previous form for doing something similar?

Sparklyglitter · 31/10/2017 22:23

She sounds very odd...organise your party with your hubby, but sorry please don’t invite her. She sounds like she would take over yours and your husbands special day!!! Hope you have a lovely time 😀

KatriKling · 31/10/2017 22:43

How awful for you to be subjected to that. Good on you for standing your ground.

I don't think it matters what her reasons are for wanting to hijack your party she wants to hijack your party! She wants her needs satisfied at your expense (not just financially). A person who respects boundaries and others wouldn't behave that way regardless of whether they have or haven't got enough friends or money to celebrate their birthday.

Invite her to YOUR party if you want her there.

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/10/2017 23:42

Is this party going to take place on your actual birthday or is it just a random date that will work for you,dh and france-friend?

Cos if it's just X date then i think yab slightly unreasonable to not even consider adding irish-friend....especially seeing as it's you 3 friends actually turning 50 & your DH is let's do the time warp again 53 Hmm

She obviously wants to make it a special birthday too, so why not suggest/consider something like her and her dh going over on a two week holiday?
(Staying separate though!)
That way she can join in with the cost/prep/co hosting?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/10/2017 23:49

I'm going to be 50 soon (ish). Just another couple of years.

Can I be part of your joint party? I LOVE France, and adore French food and especially the wine, and I'm sure I'd get on well with all your friends.

pollymere · 01/11/2017 08:12

I think she had a rosy image of you all having a party together which you've just crushed so she's trying to piggy back to keep her dream alive. She might have been planning it for years! Hopefully she'll come to her senses.

junebirthdaygirl · 01/11/2017 09:05

The one thing l feel sorry for her in that she was the first to bring it up. She suggested ye both have a party together which was nice but then you completely ignored her suggestion..didnt say sorry that cant work for me. But went on and on about your party. Go back to the point where shle suggested a party and see how you could have handled it differently..l think.

Butterymuffin · 01/11/2017 09:29

Friend could have helped things by saying how she would contribute. For instance 'obviously if it's at your house it's more trouble for you, so I'll put in more money for drinks / pay for a cleaner to come in afterwards / etc'. Something to show that she is aware she would benefit hugely from this arrangement and is prepared to put in herself. From what OP has described, nothing like that was said.

My guess is that she fancies having a party in a nicer house than her own, without the need to clean up, and minimising the expense to herself.

Branleuse · 01/11/2017 10:11

awkward. I think it sounds like a nice idea and can see why she asked, but its up to you if you dont want to host a joint party

kateandme · 01/11/2017 10:33

if shes doig this before the partys even started to be organised golly I hate to think what would be next.
you owe no one an eplxanation as to why you would like this as ur and dh own party.if she cant accept this then its on her not you.and she is then beig very UR.
what would you say to a friend or one of us if we told you we were having joint party with dh and friend wanted to make it hers too?...exactly.
if you manage to speak to her.if this does perhaps come across as her being lonely.not up to organising one for herself.maybe you could help her in that.or say shall we do a big meal get together for hers.or if she is close friend then organsing a surprise meal for her? or not. I don't no how close you are.and she could just be being UR and its nothing to do with fear of no one coming to her.in which case just carry on as you are.
being nosy id like to know how this all pans out though???

kateandme · 01/11/2017 10:36

plus now she hasn't spoken to you I fear shes really embaressed.if id have come to a friend to say all excited like to join up for a party then said friend said no.it would to me be hurting lol.
that doesn't mean ur in fault but she could be a little wanting to hide away right now.
could you be the bigger person and reach out as I think if this is the case it will be really hard for her to do so.there might be a slight feeling of rejection on her part.

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