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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend wants to hijack my 50th birthday party

79 replies

Nutellamad · 30/10/2017 13:26

I met a very close friend when home for a few days in my hometown in Ireland (I have been living in France for the last 20 years). We had a lovely dinner until we were about to say goodbye when she mentioned that since we will both be 50 next year, we could maybe get other friends together who will also be 50 to do a group party. I said, funny you should say that, since DH didn’t get around to doing his 50th three years ago, he suggested us doing a 50th birthday for the two of us next year. I told her that we would soon be letting people know the date since we hope some family and friends could travel over from Ireland and the UK for the party making the most of the occasion to get old friends together.

She started insisting saying that’s why she wants to do the party with me so that we reminisce with the old friends (she used to live in France and knew our group of friends). I felt very awkward and tried explaining that since we are definitely doing the party, that she will get to have a great time with all our old group of friends (nearly all of whom she hasn’t kept in contact with but that I have).

She again insisted that she wanted it to be her party too. I said that we would be doing it in France so that might be difficult for her friends or family to come to. She said that she wouldn’t be inviting family; she prefers her work colleagues not to know her age so she wouldn’t invite them; and that her three good friends from her hometown wouldn’t be the type that would go to France for the party. She said she would like to see our old group of friends.

I reiterated that she will see them, since I was inviting them anyway but that it didn’t make sense it being her party too if she wasn’t inviting anyone that was from her side.

She got annoyed, saying she didn’t understand why I was being difficult.

I explained again that I really didn’t understand the logic of me and my husband organizing the party (possibly at our house), sending the invites, preparing the food and drink, inviting piles of people she doesn’t know (plus the ones she does know) and yet say on the invites that it’s a party for us and for my friend…

She then got into a huff and said there was no point continuing speaking since I was being difficult, making a problem out of it. And she left.

I absolutely hate confrontations and falling out with people but this annoyed me because I think she is being unreasonable. We haven’t yet spoken since then and I’m worried she will not let this drop.

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 30/10/2017 14:35

She just wanted you to host ie pay for the party for her. Agree she sounds 15. Her invite gets lost.

onceandneveragain · 30/10/2017 14:40

She was being very weird and thick-skinned when she kept bringing up different excuses when you were making it very clear it's not what you wanted.

However it is also a bit weird to have a joint 50th birthday party for two people when one of them (your DH) will actually be 54! Most 'joint' parties are when there is only a month or two between similar events, so I can see from her POV, it makes more sense if you are having a joint 50th bday with anyone, to have it with someone else who is actually turning 50 around the same time. Still a big difference between her thinking it, and actually trying to impose it on you though!

Cavender · 30/10/2017 14:43

DH and I had a big joint 40th party. It was awesome and everyone had a really fantastic time. We have wonderful memories from that whole weekend.

However it took a great deal of time and expense to organise. We would not have allowed anyone else to piggyback on to that.

Did she offer a third of the expenses OP? I bet she didn’t.

kissmethere · 30/10/2017 14:53

Ok, she's being difficult and cheeky.
Would it be possible to say yes make it a joint party and she shares the cost and organising? I can't see it being easy and to be honest I wouldn't be inclined to actually let her make it a joint celebration but as previous posters have said she maybe doesn't have many people to make it a big do for her.
Don't let her spoil it for you and DH if this truly isn't what you want though.

missiondecision · 30/10/2017 15:05

She wants the birthday throne .... for free
No effort or money, you are organising it anyway and adding her” name “ won’t cost a thing. I can see her logic, it’s priceless !!!! Grin
For her!

missiondecision · 30/10/2017 15:06

Organise a lavish party spreadsheet
Send it to her and ask for half the money ... she’ll drop you.

Original poster
Nutellamad · 30/10/2017 15:16

Thanks very much for all your comments. They really helped!

Bluntness100 Thanks. I will behave as if nothing happened.

kissmethere No. She did not suggest sharing the cost or the organising... I know the organising would definitely be all down to me and DH with her just turning up on the day.

OP posts:
Cavender · 30/10/2017 15:18

“Just turning up” makes you a guest, not a host and therefore it’s not your party.

If she wants her own party, she need to organise it.

Viviennemary · 30/10/2017 15:19

It is annoying when people say you are just being difficult. Meaning do as I say you difficult awkward person. Stuff that! It is cheeky of her to expect it to be her party as well If she's not really contributing anything. But I agree she probably doesn't have enough friends to invite or want to organise her own party but still wants a party.

ElephantsandTigers · 30/10/2017 15:20

Does she want some presents??

haveagobletofblood · 30/10/2017 15:25

She sounds quite mad!

Jaxhog · 30/10/2017 15:26

Just carry on with organising a joint party with Mr Nutellamad and, as someone has suggested, send out invites from just you two.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/10/2017 15:36

Is her birthday very close to yours? Or just the same year? I mean, if you had the party within a week of her birthday as well, then I could see more logic to her request - but if it's nowhere near, then she's being rather cheeky.

QueenLetizia · 30/10/2017 15:48

It's in your house so it's your party.

I do feel for her if she's single though as I'm going to be 50 in three years and as a single person I don't even know who I'd invite as the women I'm friendly with don't invite me to their couply things, so would I invite just women to my 50th? would that be odd? If it's odd, could I ask my friends who normally exclude me from any mixed sex socialising to include their husbands in the invitation on this occasion just so my party isn't like a brown ies owl jamborie.
I'd love to have somebody who cared enough about me to help me throw a party!

Obviously your friend's single status is not your problem though!

chocorabbit · 30/10/2017 16:01

You trying to make polite excuses instead of being direct in the hope that she would change her mind didn't work. She is one of those people who do not get polite and subtle hints when you try to refuse but still try to force their way and attribute their faults at you. So next time tell her directly with lots of smiles that you and DH would like your own party and DH wouldn't want to share. Don't ask for costs sharing as she will still hijack everything and will organise as she thinks fit.

Itsonkyme · 30/10/2017 16:06

I think she sounds l loopy!
Just send her an invite from you and Mr Nutella, and leave it at that. If she mentions it again , just say that Mr Nutella said "No" !!!!
Btw who will she stay with if she comes to your party? Hmm
Also, she sounds soooooo weird and controlling, would she be a great loss to you?

Anyway, hopefully she either falls out with you (best case scenario imo)
Or, comes to her senses and turns up as a guest.
Have a great 50th and don't let this worry you one bit.

Original poster
Nutellamad · 30/10/2017 16:18

QueenLetizia No, she's not single. She's married to a lovely man.

For your own party, you could of course invite your friends to come with their husbands for the special occasion of your big birthday.

OP posts:
QueenLetizia · 30/10/2017 16:23

Oh right, well then it's not going to be hard for her to arrange something.

I'd say it comes from not wanting anybody 'local' to know she's fifty so she would like to have a big do but only reveal it to people who already know that she's fifty.

3luckystars · 30/10/2017 16:29

Just say you are planning to get remarried at the party and that it’s just for yourself and your husband.

Appuskidu · 30/10/2017 16:35

She sounds very odd! You are not being even remotely difficult!

I'm not sure I'd invite her at all!!

What's her finances like? Do you earn loads more than her and she's hoping to have a party but getting you to stump up half the costs? I think she'd got you earmarked as the 'one' she needs to facilitate her plan but is mad that you're not lying down and playing ball!

BMW6 · 30/10/2017 16:48

She's a loon or totally cheeky fucker - either way, tell her to jog on (and no invite to your party obviously, cos she'd hijack it).

Atenco · 30/10/2017 17:09

I'm afraid it sounds like a drunk conversation to me, please correct me if I am wrong

whoareyoukidding · 30/10/2017 17:15

I wouldn't invite her to your party, either: I wouldn't put it past her to ruin it for you.

thatdearoctopus · 30/10/2017 17:16

Pretend the conversation didn't happen, and if she brings it up again, say you're taking a rain-check on the whole idea. Then, when the time comes, send out invitations from just you and your dh. Decide then if you're going to invite her at all.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/10/2017 17:23

the women I'm friendly with don't invite me to their couply things - do people still do that? What are those things anyway that only couples can join? If I have a dinner or party or BBQ, I invite my friends, no matter what their current relationship status is.