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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my mum when labour starts?

67 replies

blondebuddha · 30/10/2017 09:39

Hi all.

Long story short and maybe abit vague so I don't out myself.

Relationship with my mum has been quite strained for a few years now for far too many reasons to put into a mumsnet thread.
She loves gossip to the extreme. Also loves being centre of attention and making every situation about her.

When I had my son I specifically asked everyone not just her to keep it quiet. The plan was to only tell close family and have a few days as just us before the hoards of visitors come round.

I hadn't even stepped out of the shower after having him before my phone's blowing up from people I barely know Facebooking / texting me demanding photos, info on the birth etc. She had told people before she'd even arrived at the hospital to visit us that I'd gone in to have him.

This then caused more family feuds as other members of family wanted to know why they hadn't been informed personally etc.

When confronted she started blubbering and turned herself into the classic victim and that it wasn't her fault etc etc. Hard to explain but she's extremely narcissistic.

Spoke to DH yesterday and asked him if he though I'm BU to keep quiet and he says yes, she's my mum and will worry. My point was that she wouldn't know so wouldn't worry at all, I'd just tell her after baby is here when I'm happy for people to know. Same goes for other family so it's still fair on them all. I just want abit of privacy and it's almost impossible with her being such a gobshite.

I'm so sick of trying to plan this around pleasing everyone else!

Can someone give me a good talking to? Or am I right?

OP posts:
justilou1 · 30/10/2017 09:41

Oh hell no! Give her a due date one month later!!! Tell her a different hospital. (This is what I did, and it was maaaaaaahvellous!)

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 30/10/2017 09:42

Honestly, I wouldn’t tell her! I think labour is the one time you can be truest selfish! It’s wbout what’s best for you and your family.
We didn’t tell anyone when we had our first and it was bliss! I am trying to find ways of doing the same again when/if we have no.2 whilst getting someone to look after DS!

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2017 09:43

It's up to you, if not telling her makes you feel better.

But hoards of visitors? Phone blowing up? Demanding photos?

Are you sure you're not being just a little dramatic yourself?

Elphame · 30/10/2017 09:48

I didn't tell anybody I was in labour. The news of the baby's arrival was made several hours after he'd arrived when we were ready to tell our parents.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/10/2017 09:52

No, don't tell her.

It's your decision as it's you going through labour - if you don't want the irritation of knowing she's going to be gleefully on the phone to all and sundry making it all about HER while you are trying to focus and worrying again that you're not gonig to get a minute's privacy after the birth thanks to her blabbing. that's fine (and a really, really good idea).

No she won't worry because she won't know. Tell your DH that it's YOU that will be worrying that you won't get any quiet time and you won't get to tell people yourself because she will barge into that. You've got your older child this time too, remember. It's a really good idea to make sure there's some private family time first, for your DS to meet his sibling.

There is the added bonus of your mum getting a rather necessary reminder that if she can't respect your wishes, she won't get to be 'on the inside'. Not a bad message to send a pushy drama-queeny narcissist. Might do your relationship the world of good if you show her that actions have consequences?

qazxc · 30/10/2017 09:56

Let everyone know after the fact, and when you are ready.

Twickerhun · 30/10/2017 09:59

We didn't tell anyone I was in labour bar the inlaws who we needed to look after dsc. it doesn't sound like the type of event you broadcast to be honest. Focus on a safe delivery and if anyone moans tell them that was your only priority

wobblywonderwoman · 30/10/2017 10:06

I wouldn't. I had my first and dh told my mil and she still SATs it was so stressful for her (she exaggerates and over thinks thinks). She is lovely but it wasn't fair on me

BackforGood · 30/10/2017 10:07

I got on very well with my Mum, but didn't tell anyone when I went into labour (with my first - obvs needed someone to look after dc1 when dc2 came along). I don't undertand why anyone would - what's the point of other people worrying / fretting when they don't need to ?

That said, I think it's a bit odd that you expect her to keep the news of a safe arrival of a new grandchild quiet for days.

Bat3 · 30/10/2017 10:08

I understand! When I had my 3, I always felt uncomfortable about people knowing I was in labour. I think it’s a private matter and not be be shared/gossiped about. I would have felt under pressure because i’m generally a private and quiet person anyway.
My MIL didn’t like this at all. She wanted to know as soon as anything happened - primarily so she could tell her friends. We just conveniently forgot each time. Told her that we had lots of other things to think about. As soon as the babies arrived we told her immediately but it really annoyed her that she didn’t know before. She got over it eventually. Do what is best for you and baby, not other people.

WhatwouldAryado · 30/10/2017 10:09

Oh god no. Don't tell her. Just send her the announcement along with anyone else.

Starwhisperer · 30/10/2017 10:09

I've a great relationship with my family and all of my births have been announced with a picture of the babies. No one except my husband has known I'm in Labour

AccrualIntentions · 30/10/2017 10:11

Just don't tell her - I think that's perfectly reasonable. I don't have that problem with my mum, but still didn't plan on telling her (or my in-laws) when labour started, because I don't like the idea of people knowing and waiting. As it is, I'm having a scheduled induction which she knows the date of so that plan is out the window but otherwise they'd all be finding out once the baby was safely here.

sinceyouask · 30/10/2017 10:12

No, don't tell her. Do tell your DH he should be more concerned with your feelings than hers though.

MrsBertBibby · 30/10/2017 10:13

God no. I didn't tell my mum until I was back home because I couldn't face her turning up on the ward and bossing the ward staff around (she was a hospital consultant and just can't behave like a normal person in hospital.)

Your labour, your rules.

misskatamari · 30/10/2017 10:14

Yanbu! I didn’t tell my mum with my first as went into labour in the middle of the night. With my second, I was on the phone to her when I thought I might be starting labour, and then was able to ring her a few hours later with the lovely news that ds had been born.

We never planned to tell anyone when I started (besides those doing childcare for dd when I had ds). The last thing you need to be thinking about in labour is other people wanting updates etc.

I was a bit annoyed when we had dd and sil congratulated us on Facebook before we’d announced it ourselves, so in your position would have been fuming. Just keep it to yourselves and tell her when baby is here

Oysterbabe · 30/10/2017 10:14

Why would you tell her you're in labour? That wouldn't occur to me tbh.

LemonBreeland · 30/10/2017 10:18

I get on fine with my Mum and didn't want to tell her when I went into labour. There is no need for your Mum to know you are in labour.

I do hope you can get your DH on side.

BertieBotts · 30/10/2017 10:19

I think it's a very strange modern idea to tell people that you're in labour. You're totally justified in keeping quiet. And you're right, how can your mum worry if she doesn't know you're in labour.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/10/2017 10:19

Can only speak for myself, but I told dd (we get on fine) when expecting no. 1 that I didn't want to know until it was all over - would have worried myself sick.
For no.2, I was there anyway when she went into labour a couple of weeks early, so it didn't arise.

BalloonDinosaur · 30/10/2017 10:20

Nope don’t tell her. I think my mum knew when I went into hospital, but can’t really remember. We were wary as she’d managed to announce I was pregnant to a load of randomers before I told some of my closest friends.

When DS was born DP texted/called our families and my mum STILL managed to put what she saw as a hugely cryptic but actually blatently obvious message on bloody FB before we got round to announcing it Hmm

Sugarcoma · 30/10/2017 10:21

Absolutely don’t tell her - ignore your DH.

It’s the last thing you need when you’re in labour. I didn’t tell my narcissistic mother until after my ELCS.

Despite ignoring me for most of my pregnancy right at the end she decided she had to be there when I went into labour and would “sleep in the hallway” if she had to. The problem with narc mothers is they don’t understand that this is the one time in their life it’s NOT about them!

Kr1st1na · 30/10/2017 10:22

I agree with everyone, don’t tell her until you feel ready for visitors.

Halfdrankbrew · 30/10/2017 10:23

Don't tell anyone when you are really due, give a date a month later than you actually are and then slink off, have the baby and tell people as and when you are ready!

I wanted to do this with our first child but my mother in law ended up finding out I was in labour. We didn't contact her at all until a few hours after our daughter was born. There was no phone signal in the room and there was no way my husband was leaving the hospital just to ring his mother. We loved them few precious hours of only me and my husband knowing she'd arrived. His mother had a strop over us delaying telling her (it was 3 hours) and made it all about her (a long story that led to a big fallout). My own mum didn't even know I was in labour!

Second child I thought RIGHT no way is this rude woman going to try and spoil this time for us. We told all my husband's family a due date 3 weeks later than it was and if anyone asked we were vague. My own parents and sister knew as they were babysitting our daughter. I literally went into labour, told my parents 10min before we dropped our daughter off, had our baby in peace and announced the arrival when we felt like it. My husband was a little pissed off he tried to tell his grandma a few hours later and she already knew, his mother had told all his family for us, she's thankfully not on Facebook. No one ever asked why our baby had arrived a month early according to the date of told them surprisingly.

boilingstormyseas · 30/10/2017 10:23

I wouldn't tell my Mother the due date because the thought of the fuss and stress from her was too much. When DD was born DH, in our own time, called those that needed to know (including my Mother!).

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