To not tell my mum when labour starts?

[blondebuddha]

Hi all.

Long story short and maybe abit vague so I don't out myself.

Relationship with my mum has been quite strained for a few years now for far too many reasons to put into a mumsnet thread.
She loves gossip to the extreme. Also loves being centre of attention and making every situation about her.

When I had my son I specifically asked everyone not just her to keep it quiet. The plan was to only tell close family and have a few days as just us before the hoards of visitors come round.

I hadn't even stepped out of the shower after having him before my phone's blowing up from people I barely know Facebooking / texting me demanding photos, info on the birth etc. She had told people before she'd even arrived at the hospital to visit us that I'd gone in to have him.

This then caused more family feuds as other members of family wanted to know why they hadn't been informed personally etc.

When confronted she started blubbering and turned herself into the classic victim and that it wasn't her fault etc etc. Hard to explain but she's extremely narcissistic.

Spoke to DH yesterday and asked him if he though I'm BU to keep quiet and he says yes, she's my mum and will worry. My point was that she wouldn't know so wouldn't worry at all, I'd just tell her after baby is here when I'm happy for people to know. Same goes for other family so it's still fair on them all. I just want abit of privacy and it's almost impossible with her being such a gobshite.

I'm so sick of trying to plan this around pleasing everyone else!

Can someone give me a good talking to? Or am I right?

I didn’t tell my mother either (not close enough that it would be assumed but didn’t want her knowing). She rang and got my ILs answering my home phone (we had told them, they came to look after DS1) and then worked it out, rang my sister -and I haven’t asked who else- so that went splendidly well...

Agree, don't tell her. We did tell my dm when I went in to have ds and it all totally backfired as it was 24 hours from going in in advanced labour to actual birth and was all bit tricky so dh didn't call them for a couple of hours after he was born and they were very anxious and upset. With dd we just told them once she was safely here.

Everyone knew when ds1 was due - planned section, but then he was early and I was relieved as it made it more special.
With DC2 only ILs knew as looking after dc1, although I think they all told each other.
He was early too so my parents just heard after he was safely here.

I’m very close to my parents. My mum got a call at 5am when my waters broke and she ran straight round to mine- she ripped the chain off the front door letting herself in
My mum was there every step of the way. She and my DH were each my birthing partners and she cut the cord as DH said he couldn’t bring himself to. Wouldn’t have had it any other way, my mum keeps me calm.

I haven’t read further than your title and first sentence but if you don’t want to tell someone/anyone you are in labour then don’t. It is not your responsibility to have to accommodate people into something so intimate.

DS1 I told just DH and he rang his mum (fuck knows why) and she turned up at the hospital going batshit crazy. On the day we went home she was in our house with her friends who I’d never met and decided to pass my newborn child round the house and refused to give him to me so I could feed him (that was one of the many reason I cut all contact and she isn’t allowed anywhere near me or our kids)

DS2 I purposely told people I was due a month after I actually was to avoid the ‘can I come’ ‘can you text me’ ‘has baby arrived yet’. I managed to keep hush about the birth of DS2 for nearly a month and it was the most peaceful and nicest few weeks of bonding I’ve had. It was pure bliss to not have to answer to people and know that there wouldn’t be a stream of texts and visitors. I invited the people that I wanted to see him on his pretend due date and my family and friends met him when he was 3 1/2 weeks old when he was cute and less ‘squished up old man’

I think that if you don’t want to tell anybody then you don’t. It is entirely your choice, you and dh are the ones that matter.

We rang my mum straight away as really close and she was with me and dh the whole way through until I had to go to theatre for Caesarian as only one allowed.
I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way and neither would dh. Mum then came and lived with us for about a month to help!

With dds birth, mum stayed at home to look after DS but came straight to hospital when dh rang. Again she stayed a long time to help!

But ultimately it is your choice and it depends on your relationship with dm.

With my first my parents stayed with me while I gave birth, Mum told the world and his wife within an hour, as in literally she was on the phone while I was getting stitches.

With my second I waited til I'd cleaned myself up a bit and had a bit of a cuddle just me DH and baby, then called her while DH text everyone else, i just made sure my call was long enough that everyone important knew before I got off the phone to her. Mum was first called and everyone was contacted personally so no one was offended, could that be an option for you?

It's not unreasonable to keep going into labor private, but I'll be honest in saying that you sound as dramatic as you claim your mother to be. "Hordes" of visitors? People who "demand" photos? Really? People you know are DEMANDING photos? How exactly does anyone DEMAND photos? What, they won't talk to you anymore? They'll call the police because they didn't receive the photos they demanded from you??

I have a fantastic relationship with my mum and would trust her to keep quiet. Did I tell her? No.

I didn't want her to spend hours worrying. Also I didn't want to worry about updating her - I wanted to focus in my labour.

The decision of who to tell and when to is entirely yours and your dh’s choice. I was really worried about people turning up at the hospital whilst I was in labour, I only wanted my husband with me and then a good few hours to ourselves as a family of three once baby arrived. Fortunately this went to plan. Husband txt close family to say I was in labour, when we arrived at hospital at 6am and sent a photo soon after baby arrived at 9.05am. We said all was well and we’d update everyone later in the day. My parents visited briefly at 5pm and husbands parents were too far away to visit same day. People should respect your wishes, it’s a very private time and it’s your special news to break to everyone. Hope all goes well x

Errmmm well 1. Dont tell anyone you are in labour. 2. Leave phone switched off till you are ready to announce birth or provide info to the hordes of people that are interested.

I was induced on my due date (reduce foetal movements) so didn't have the luxury of not telling family. Dd1 was with my mum so was off school, my neice is in her class so told her mum she was absent which clued dh's family that is gone in to hospital. However, I did tell them that the induction was progressing slowly and it would be 24 hours before anything happened. In reality, The induction took 6 hours from start to finish and I had dd2 2 hours later. It was lovely to take our time and not feel rushed. We then said no visitors expect dd1 which was lovely. Mil didn't like it but it was tough. They did try and pressure dh into informing his wider family. He just told them we'd inform them when we were ready after dd1 had met her sister. Keep quiet and enjoy.

Ds is 5 weeks old. We didn’t tell parents until he’d arrived. We waited a couple of hours and then FaceTimed them.

We had to tell my mum something as we were meant to be having dinner with them. So had to find an excuse! So we just said dh had a cold.

Similar reasons - mum would worry and dad would stress her out. So easier for everyone.

Second time, only the friends who were caring for DS1 knew. It was refreshing that few people were going to worry about us. It did help that it all occured in a few hours overnight.

First time, I had 24 hours of regular contractions as they slowly ramped up to the stage of going to hospital. News leaked out as it was taking so long and it was the stage of the weekend where family were phoning up anyway and it was getting hard to pretend that nothing was happening. I've no complaints about any relatives, just that they worried as things dragged out and there was no happy news to report until after lunch the next day.

The minimum knowing as need to know was definitely better, and that's with pleasant people that mind their own business. Definitely don't involve narcissistic drama queens. If she'll deprive you of the joy of letting people know, you might find it better to prioritise telling the people you want to know first, especially if she's the type to put you in the dog house anyway.

Thankyou everyone for your replies they've made me feel much better. Just going to tough it out and keep quiet and hope for the best! Sorry if I exaggerated slightly, about how many people wanted photos etc, obviously some mumsnetters struggle with figuratively and literally. But still, special thanks to the few of you who focused more on my 'dramatics' rather than actually providing the advice that I sought. In reply to your comments, yes I did actually have family demand photos and get upset as they weren't in the loop / present at the birth / kept informed of every minor detail / close enough to smell the anaesthetic. I'm afraid that's just how my family is and thus have caused me to seek advice. If they weren't that bad I wouldn't have asked, would I?

Thanks again everyone. I'm off to prepare myself to attend to HORDES of paparazzi waiting on me to trot down the red carpet to the labour suite.

There is no need to tell anyone when you go into labour. I certainly didn't, and I really like my Mum! Tell her later. No rush.

YANBU we told no one (except childcare volunteers the second time)