To not tell my mum when labour starts?

[blondebuddha]

Hi all.

Long story short and maybe abit vague so I don't out myself.

Relationship with my mum has been quite strained for a few years now for far too many reasons to put into a mumsnet thread.
She loves gossip to the extreme. Also loves being centre of attention and making every situation about her.

When I had my son I specifically asked everyone not just her to keep it quiet. The plan was to only tell close family and have a few days as just us before the hoards of visitors come round.

I hadn't even stepped out of the shower after having him before my phone's blowing up from people I barely know Facebooking / texting me demanding photos, info on the birth etc. She had told people before she'd even arrived at the hospital to visit us that I'd gone in to have him.

This then caused more family feuds as other members of family wanted to know why they hadn't been informed personally etc.

When confronted she started blubbering and turned herself into the classic victim and that it wasn't her fault etc etc. Hard to explain but she's extremely narcissistic.

Spoke to DH yesterday and asked him if he though I'm BU to keep quiet and he says yes, she's my mum and will worry. My point was that she wouldn't know so wouldn't worry at all, I'd just tell her after baby is here when I'm happy for people to know. Same goes for other family so it's still fair on them all. I just want abit of privacy and it's almost impossible with her being such a gobshite.

I'm so sick of trying to plan this around pleasing everyone else!

Can someone give me a good talking to? Or am I right?

We didn't tell anyone until after the event with DD1. The only person that knew with DD2 was my mum as she was babysitting. It could have been MIL it was her day to be on-call!

YADNBU to keep it quiet. Last thing you want is for hassle whilst you're in labour. Definitely keep it quiet. No-one will know there is anything to gossip worry about if they haven't been told.

Your DH IDBU given the upset your mum caused last time.

We didn't tell anyone until DS was born.

The only people who knew when I went into labour with ds were the people with me when my waters broke. The only people we told when i started with dd were the people providing child care for ds1. Nobody else needs to know. My dm had already threatened to come down and sit and wait in the hospital so I'm convinced we did the right thing. Your baby, your way.

You don't have to tell anyone until you're ready.
wait until you're actually home with the baby

wouldn't tell my Mother the due date because the thought of the fuss and stress from her was too much.

Same here. Mine got told a due date 2 weeks later, and a call after the birth.

None of my family knew I'd gone into labour with either of mine except for MIL (who, erm, caught baby no 2 as he came rather quickly).

Everyone got calls / photos after the event - and a good couple of hours after, once DH and I had had some time with the newborn, a restorative cuppa, I'd had a bath etc.

YANBU to handle this however you want to. Also, while I'm sure your DH means well, no-one knows your mum like you know your mum. This is your call. For what it's worth, my mum isn't a narcissist but she is terrible in a crisis - flapping and panicking and making everything more stressful for everyone. I tend to not tell her or my dad anything that's going on that might cause drama or worry until there is a resolution or at least I know how I'm going to tackle it. Life is simpler that way I think!

We didn't, no family issues just wouldn't have thought of telling anyone. Mind you they got a bit of a shock with dd1 as she was a 32 weeker. With dd2 my friend who was minding dd1 knew as dd1 was unceremoniously dropped on the doorstep in the middle of the night

Have you told her an actual expected date or a vague beginning/mid/end of month?

And no, YANBU. You absolutely do not need to tell anyone you don't want to that you are in labour. We didn't tell either set of parents, just told them when DC was here. Called one person from each side of the family and best friends and told them they could spread the word and announced to friends on facebook.

it completely up to the both of you.i assume people only tell the people they are closest too and want to know and as and when they are ready.if this isn't your way between you and your mum then it just isn't. there are far many reasons mother wouldn't be either told straight away or sometimes even the first.some people just aren't like that with there parents and often family.
so you do what make you comfortable.to be worrying bout this on top of all the other stuff is not good.
its your body your baby your decision.
don't even make it a "oh I didn't tell you because" its not you didn't tell them then you just told them when you did end of.
no explanation needed this is when you decide to tell everyone.

Need to know. She doesn't. Don't tell her. You can just say you were focussed on you/your labour/the baby. I didn't tell anyone other than DH and my mum on either baby, even with a planned c section. No point in people worrying.

we just sent a photo saying:"say hello to your granddaughter"
if she brings why didn't you tell me sooner or tries to bring herself or argument up don't respond with it just level it out and say this is how we wanted to do it.dont even get into a arguementitive situation.

Had no idea that informing of being in labour was a thing!

Only informed ILs about PSB as they were needed to look after PFB!

Why will she worry if she doesn't know what's going on?

Are you sure that you want your husband there??

We told both my mum and my MiL when I went into hospital in active labour. It was a horrible thing to do - it all took far, far longer than we anticipated, we were at that point to busy to call and update and they didn't hear anything at all for 24 hours (this was after dh had told them the doctors reckoned a couple of hours more). They both sat up by the phone all night and most of the next day and my mum was convinced something terrible had happened. Totally traumatised both of them. My advise is never to tell, even if they are lovely. If they are not lovely that just gives you a second reason.

I think it's fine not to tell her. It's not unreasonable to demand time alone as a new family. I think it's nice to be able to have time with your new baby before having to hand them over and be pressured into contacting everyone. I remember being in hospital with my first born. I'd had a terrible time of it and hadn't slept for about 4 days. I was at my lowest ebb. My mother arrived to nag me about writing thank you letters. I still feel weepy 16 years on just remembering. No. Do not tell her until you're ready. This is about you and your baby.

Yes my parents certainly knew also most of my friends

Never occurred to us to ring and say I'm in labour - what can they do but worry and pester for updates when you’re extremely busy and pre-occupied.

I got fed up, with pfb who came early, dealing have you had it yet and you've had it and not told us phone calls - and I never made it to the actual given due date.

They couldn't help with childcare with subsequent births so again got a nice picture once they were safely here.

I also ignored why haven’t you had it yet questions though had practise by then by constant why haven’t you given up bf which started right after my milk came in with pfb.

Because of my DM's behaviour with my DSis when she was in labour, we kept it quiet for all of ours until after the event.

No-one got worried, no-one continuously rang the hospital for information, and no-one rang everyone else to tell them the news before we did.

We told my mum but that was because she was a birthing partner and lived 80 miles away. We only planned on telling parents and siblings, but didn't get chance to as I had a quick labour. I completely agree with where you are coming from, I didn't want to be bothered all the time asking how it was going.

I get on fine with my mum but still didn't tell her when I went into labour the first time as I didn't want her worrying and waiting. Just told her when baby was born.

I didn't tell mine with either birth. She'd have been sat at home worrying, knowing I was in labour and I'd have felt obliged to call her a minute after I'd given birth to put her mind at rest. She said she preferred it that way, to get a phone call once everything was fine and we were ready for visitors. Labour can take days, so just explain to her that you wouldn't want her worrying about you all that time. Just call with the happy news when you're ready.

No! My DM was my birth partner for both DC so she was absolutely golden. However, my ex's Mum moaned we hadn't told her I was in labour with DC1 - I pointed out I was a bit busy and maybe he should have told her as he'd mentioned it to his Dad.

Roll on DC2 and my Auntie complains "noone told her" I was in labour with DC1 and made my Mum promise to tell her when I went into labour. I told my Mum absolutely not and to tell her when the baby had arrived safely as we would with everyone else (except DSD who had DC1). Unfortunately, I had to be induced and everyone knew every detail of my hospital stay. It felt like being in a goldfish bowl; should have had them all there to watch would have been easier

Didn’t tell anyone. Didn’t even tell anyone when contractions started, just sent a photo and a group message a few hours after

It didn't occur to me to let anyone know when I was in labour. It's not like anyone could have done anything or helped. DM guessed but didn't tell anyone (was over 24 hours).
It was a good while later and she said she had a deadline time in mind that she was thinking of sending a message to DH that just said not to worry about waking her or waiting until the morning if there was news. Ended up being in touch before then so it didn't matter.
Honestly I wouldn't tell her at all.

We didn't tell anyone when we went into labour with DC1. With DC2 a friend had DC1 and we didn't tell any family (advantage of them not being nearby)

We didn't even tell the ILs the date of c section - too much drama and big opinions. Told them we were popping to see the midwife rang 6 hours later with the news.

We did strictly forbid anyone from telling a soul or sharing the first photo until her siblings had been told and seen her.