Is this just normal behaviour?? Friend with toddler

[OhPls]

Nc here. Let me start by saying I am 5 years into TTC, 6 IVF's down the line. I am hanging over the edge of a cliff. I wish people understood how gut wrenching this experience is, I can barely breathe let alone continue with life. But we do, somehow.

Post concerns friends of about 15 years. Kind people, and we've kind of grown up together in the sense that we lived together in the past and clocked up lots of memories. I would say they're perhaps not the most empathetic people I know but by no means am I saying that they've ever done anything to deliberately cause upset.

I'm so sensitive at the moment and feel like I am actually covered in raw unexposed nerve endings at the moment and for the first time in my life feel like I have no real trust in whether I am able to fairly judge behaviour. I am usually extremely well balanced.

We don't see these friends too often mainly because of time but mainly because I am increasingly unable to muster the energy or strength to pretend I'm a 'normal' person who likes socialising. I invited friends' and their nearly 2 year old round on Thursday for lunch and to spend the day. Left it open ended so they could leave when they wanted. Made a big effort to think about allowances for their son (moved all breakables, bought sticker books and crayons for him to play with with, made a different meal for him, etc etc). I know this is the least I should do but what I mean is that I understand that kids are kids.

Anyway, friends arrived and stayed 9 hours. During this time we spoke only of the kid as they told us every second of his life, all the "you know you're a mum when..!!!" Kind of crap which just grinds my gears. Their son was allowed to touch everything in my house and walk around with his shoes on after being in the garden which was muddy. The noise was ear splitting with all the singing along to kids music (why is the music so depressing??????) which was played on my stereo. I made references to our infertility as a tongue in cheek joke but it was laughed off as if I were joking. Honestly I cannot explain how utterly exhausting it was watching their family show.

I have been increasingly annoyed by this since but I'm not sure why. Part of me thinks in their position I would be sensitive to the fact that my constant baby talk and basically making my friends watch me talk in baby voices to my toddler for 9 hours isn't that interesting? I think I am U but it was so bloody painful and it just went on and on. My q is this: is it normal to expect a visit from friends with a toddler for them to ONLY talk about the toddler????

OP we were TTC for 12 yrs and I was on the verge of topping myself or running away and never coming back. I know the depth of that feeling and how everything feels extra raw when stuff like that happens. I used to forgive people for a lot, but no YANBU - they are arseholes.

As a side note, I now have a 5 month old little boy (natural conception - thank you ketogenic diet!) and I can't wait to bore them all to death for the next few years and let him get their houses mucky like their kids did to mine!

YANBU.

First off I don’t think people need to make so many allowances for a child. I had my two year old niece visit for a week with her parents and we didn’t bother childproofing the house etc. (Obviously wouldn’t leave heirlooms at their height). It’s up to the parents to take responsibility for the child’s behaviour.

Also anyone drowning in about one topic for 9 hours is boring. Whether it’s a job or a boyfriend or a toddler.

Your friends sound like their kid has taken over their life, and they sound super insensitive. Even without knowing whether someone has fertility issues or not I’d be wary of talking about pregnancy / kids etc too much around childfree couples. Who knows what someone is going through!

Hugs to you, and hope you get your dream family soon!

the joke may have put a stopped in them thinking they should talk bout the infertility in a more sensitive or deep way.could perhaps they have thought this was your way of saying don't bring it up or make over it kind of thing.
hvave you tried being open franks and breaking down to one of them.allowing them to see the side of you?you might be supirsed how little they understood,new,realised you needed to talk
your like two opposing mangnets here.you a nerve they have a child and both are all ecompossed one way or another in children.
we all wish people would be more sensitive.but you no when it meant or not.some people honestly are just unthinking and though it hurts its not always them being insensitive sometimes people make up just don't seem to compute this stuff.
I know many of the kindest lovliest people and have heard comment and thought "wtf is that you saying that to me right now,not you it couldn't bte" and I then have to override my own thoughts,see the person I love and know that wheverver the comment comes from its not through cruelty.

They sound extremely insensitive.

We are lucky enough to have a toddler a similar age - we never made huge fusses on fb when pregnant/he arrived as we know we have friends undergoing fertility treatment.

Similarly our visitors the other day have no kids. I’m always aware that while they may be blissfully childfree they may also have wanted a child, and we keep our conversation appropriate. Of course we talk about ds (they were there to visit) but I’m always aware to not do the ‘oh you know you’re a Mum when.’ shit.

Sympathies on your struggle - I truly hope it works out for you.

By the way, totally ok to insist on shoes off indoors. A calm and jokey ‘oi! You! Shoes off kid!’ Is fine.

They’re absorbed in their kid, and you’re hurting. It’s not a good mix.

Be kind to yourself.

I wish people understood how gut wrenching this experience is

I do and your post took me back to a very bad place! I moved on to adoption and after the rollercoaster of IVF, adoption was in many ways a blessed relief - suddenly my thoughts turned to when not if and life restarted.

Many people have made the points I would have already -

9 hours with your own toddler is barely manageable - with someone elses? NO WAY! And unless I was out with someone else with similar aged kids and the kids were occupying themselves safely I certainly wouldn;t inflict him on someone else for that long.

Don't make jokes about something so painful to you - you make it seem like it's trivial and people do take their lead from you.

It's OK to be firmer - "No muddy shoes inside please", "I have to leave soon, does Tarquin want to use the toilet before we go". Don't invite for lunch but coffee then you won;t have to deal with separate meals,, toddlers are the spawn of satan when it comes to erratic likes and dislikes and you can't win.

And you don;t have to invite them again if you don't want to - or stick to meeting them out of your house.

I hope things look up for you soon.

And yes to the previous poster - of course life continues after infertility but have you forgotten the pain at the time? You can't move on until you're ready and telling someone to buck up really doesn't work.

Op they were very rude, you know how they are like. As you have said in your post, you are extremely raw and sensitive right now, these were not the best people to invite. I would had as little as possible to do with friends, just see ones tgat you know are going to be kind and supportive. I woukd distance myself from her. Some parents do talk about their kids frequently, some don't. 💐💐💐💐 for you and massive hugs.

YADNBU here OP, your friends are. They sound incredibly insensitive as well as damn rude. Sounds like they let their kid run riot!

I have a DS3 and no way would I let him behave like that in someone else's house, especially after all the trouble you went through to see their needs were catered for!

Some people think the world and the dog revolves round their kids - constant drivelling conversation about what little Jonny has done all day everyday for the past six months. It's boring, it's rude, draining and incredibly harsh to those in circumstances such as yourselves.

I have friends like this too, who let their kids do whatever they want and when they come over it's all about their kids and what they've been up to. No other conversation happens as it veers round to kids again. Drives me nuts.

I wouldn't invite them again OP. Like you say, you aren't in a great place right now and these mates are clearly not what you need right now.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

Give yourself a break

They don't sound like true friends.

If they know you're going through infertility they should have been the ones being extra sensitive to you not the other way round.

They sound very dull, I have a toddler but I don't talk about them other than a polite she's fine thanks, couple of sentences about what she's doing. I don't ever talk about her to my friends without children.

I have friends who have been ttc for a while so I never talk/complain about children / pregnancy etc to them.

It is totally fine for you to keep your distance from them for a while if you want to, I would totally understand if I had a friend with fertility issues who wanted space from me.

Good luck with the ivf, be kind to yourself and put yourself first x

YANBU

Even without the infertility issue, they were very rude.

I love my kids to death, and also battled infertility before having DC1, but there's no way I could come up with nine hours of conversation around my child/ren. I'd go bonkers if anyone else tried it. I know people with multiple children and their kids feature minimally in their conversation, let alone nine hours. Your "friends" must be incredibly self absorbed to think that was an acceptable form of conversation for so long, especially with someone they know is battling infertility.

I hope you get some good news soon on the baby front.

I woulden't meet her too often, if you do, meet outside or in her home so you can make a swift getaway. She was extremely rude.

9 hours with a toddler is hard enough when they are yours or your grandchildren.

These people sound nuts

Other people’s toddlers are just unacceptable

You need to back off from
Them op and protect yourself. I really hope things get better for you love. Be kind to yourself

It's a difficult one.

I have had infertility problems and now have an almost 2 year old. As someone said, it is so difficult to have a toddler in an unfamiliar house for so long without having to constantly entertain them. My toddler will not play alone so I would not really be able to have much uninterrupted adult conversation. That may seem like I was just giving them attention but I would be worried about them tearing your house apart if I didn't watch or entertain them.

Did you ask for the shoes to come off? And maybe drop hints about them leaving earlier? Or say you wanted to discuss your problems?

Then again they do seem very insensitive to just talk about their child if they know all about your infertility. I would certainly be a lot more sensitive but not sure if this would be different for a person who has a never experienced the awfulness of infertility?

Maybe next time arrange for a visit without the child so you can talk more easily?

I hope things work out for you. x

Feeling for you. And with infertility it's not just the intense longing, it's also the drugs that make you hypersensitive. Having said that, your friends are insensitive numpties if they knew about your situation. And I don't know anyone who would want a toddler not their own in a house for 9 hours. Or parents who can only talk about their child.

There's no way I'd have spent 9 hours in someone else's house when mine were toddlers. It would have been enough for me, never mind the hosts.

I also think the nursery rhyme thing was ott .It's doubtful the toddler would have taken it in anyway at that age. They do sound self indulgent parents who would probably drive me nuts too.

Mud and mess is a bit par for the course, imo, but they do need to be more vigilant and probably ran out of steam after 9 hours or stayed that long because mud and mess in someone else's home didn't stress them which is slightly odd.

They may get over themselves on their 2nd child but I think maybe you overcompensated a bit with them because you didn't want to appear the judgemental/clueless non parent.

Arrange to meet them for a night out no kids. They will probably be the type to refuse because they can't be parted from their pfb or are too knackered (fair dos). That will give you a bit of space to come to terms with your situation

You're not been unreasonable. You sound like you have the patience of a saint to be honest.

I do think there must be a massive communication failure between you and your friend (who, however selfish, does obviously love and care about you or they wouldn't be coming to spend all day with you) if you are in such an agonising place emotionally and mentally but a 9 hour visit passes without her realising.

SHe may well have taken your laughing tounge in cheek comment as your way of saying you didn't want a serious chat on the subject. essentially she has no idea what you are going through and is in a self obsessed phase of her own life.

I know its so un-british but sometimes we need to tell people how we feel.

I remember a friend texting me to say I had hurt her feelings by failing to ask about something important in her life - I was mortified and although I felt embarrased I really respected her for telling me that she was hurt.

it's very rare that people do actually say that. It may make you feel better if you could be even a little bit honest - people aren't mind-readers and although she did behave in a self absorbed way it sounds like you completely shut off that part of your life if you managed 9 hours of conversation without mentioning something so huge in your life.

Thanks so much for all the replies, really appreciate it. Sorry for the delay in responding to the thread!

I was sent a video of said kid this morning with friend talking in irritating baby voice to him. 😂 Honestly I just can't escape it. Also spent the day sanding down my dining room table after discovering multiple dents in it from his bashing of fork on table. It was so noisy I obviously didn't notice my table getting bashed to bits. This has weirdly set me back and I was low as heck all day today and haven't text her back in response to the video nor do I plan to. God knows what I'll say if she asks if I'm ignoring her but I don't actually care.

I mean their visit has made me feel low, the table annoyed the fuck out out me

YANBU. They are socially incompetent bores. Toddler/ baby chat has its place, but should not dominate a long visit. In the context of your difficulties, I also think they were being insensitive, but even with that aside, it is just bad form. Also just bad manners to allow a child to tack dirt around. Accidents / spills / mess happen, but in my view parents should take reasonable steps to avoid and prevent damage to others' things.

I'm sorry you were made to feel so bad.

I'm really sorry that you had such an awful day, and I'm also sorry you're going through such a difficult time in general. I really don't think these people sound like friends. I've never found that parenthood makes someone self-absorbed, but it does seem to offer the already narcissistic a new, and much more socially acceptable, outlet for their self-obsession. I think cooling this friendship does sound best - it doesn't sound like they'll be particularly open to an actual conversation about how hard it is for you, and if they do get defensive and snippy about it you're likely to be left feeling even worse.

Agree with previous posters that toddlers are all consuming and require constant attention, but as both parents were there it would be reasonable in my view to take turns on toddler duty and allow the other parent a break and a chance to catch up with the friend they have supposedly come to visit!

I can't believe they stayed at your house for nine hours!

You must have been ready to hit a wall.

As everyone says YANBU, they are idiots. Very inconsiderate.

And FWIW I'm surprised they didn't want to talk about something else other than their kid. It gets boring even for parents after a while.

Hi OP. I don't think they were being inconsiderate on purpose from what you have described. They may have stayed longer than you would have liked but you did invite them to spend the day.

I visit my parents with my 16mo and it is full on in sonebody else's house entertaining him. I doesn't sound like they understand what you're going through.

I think perhaps the whole thing was too much for you. I had donor egg ivf to have my son and there is no way I could have had them in my home like this. Infertility rips you to shreds. Look after yourself. x

I was sent a video of said kid this morning with friend talking in irritating baby voice to him

What horrible people! Aside from being rude and self absorbed, that's just cruel. I'd never even bore bother my mother with a video of my kids (when they were young), and she loved/loves my kids like crazy, let alone send one to someone battling infertility. If someone had been that vile to me when I was going through fertility treatment I'd have cut them off permanently.