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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic?

61 replies

Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 07:41

Hi lovely ladies.

So here's the thing, my boyfriend has always enjoyed a drink on a Friday which was fine before we had our son as he would stop at 4 or 5. Since our son was born he joined a 'craft beer forum' which on my eyes is basically a group of sad men exchanging stories about beer that some weirdo has made in his shed and they all get excited over it (I've tasted some of these beers and nail polish remover comes to mind). He started actually meeting up with a group of them and went out for the 5 weekends in a row after DS was born, breaking promises to stay at home and help me out. He would get absolutely sh*t faced each time and stroll in at 3 am some nights. Baring in mind I was getting very little sleep . It took him to the point of me getting to tears before he realised how much of a dick he was being and he did cut back on going out. We moved house and everything was lovely for a few weeks. Now, it seems to have got into an endless cycle of him meeting these idiots on a Friday , because he just HAS to get the new beer for that week, coming home and drinking himself into oblivion , and staying up until the following afternoon. He has a demanding job so the weekend is really the only time we can do anything as a family and I feel he is putting alcohol first. He doesn't drink during the week, most weeks but every weekend he's getting polasped. He spends over £100 a month on beer and I've said he needs to cut it down and stop being selfish. I can't deal with his hangovers and he starts getting crabby with our son because he feels like shit. His best friend has even pulled him aside and told him to cut it out but there's always an excuse and my boyfriend swearing he is on top of the situation. Last weekend was our first date night since before DS was born and he got drunk and was being loud and obnoxious. He even managed to sneak in a visit to a brewery in there before I could object. I'm genuinely worried he has a problem and I don't want to make an ultimatum but all the promises he has made so far he keeps breaking or bending them to suit him. How do I get him to realise he has a problem before our family falls apart?

OP posts:
underthebluemoon · 30/10/2017 07:45

You can't make an alcoholic stop drinking by pointing out what they already know. They have to want to do it for themselves. You can get support from Al-anon.

It's very hard. Sorry OP.

Pickleypickles · 30/10/2017 07:48

Has he always drank like that? If not i would be looking for the reason why, postpartum (?) depression maybe?
I dont thinm alcoholic though no just prioities in the wrong order.

wobblywonderwoman · 30/10/2017 07:49

That's awful op.you have enough in with your son and I would leave for a while so he sees

treaclesoda · 30/10/2017 07:50

I don't know about being an alcoholic (I think that's more complex than how much you drink) but he's certainly bring very selfish.

My husband is hugely involved in craft beer groups and even though they're obsessed with beer they tend to not actually drink it in huge amounts, they're all about drinking it slowly and discussing what it smells like and tastes of.

Member984815 · 30/10/2017 07:56

My aunt was an alcoholic she literally drank herself to death by choking on her own vomit at 47. Many people tried to help her but she couldn't accept that she was an alcoholic . it's very sad that the time he should be enjoying with you and your child is spent either drunk or hungover and it can't be easy for you. I've no advice except sit him down and explain you can't deal with it anymore and something has to change. Just think about the example he's showing your child

Original poster
Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 07:58

Treaclesoda- I have friends in that group as well and you're right that is what they do. But he's knocking them back right after each one, so the taste is lost anyway. He is being selfish. He lived with his mum before me so I understand it is hard living with someone, but he's still acting like he's living with her as she didn't really care what he did. What winds me up is that he has another son from a previous relationship who lives in Scotland and he's always on top form to see him. He doesn't get to see him a lot and it irks me that he will do that for his other son but not for me or our son. Pickleypickles- it could possibly be, yes. We both nearly died from sepsis when giving birth . But my partner is from an upbringing where PPD is not a thing and you just deal with it and carry on. I just feel like I'm to blame somehow as it seemed to step up when DS was born and he moved in with me.

OP posts:
sharklovers · 30/10/2017 08:02

You say he spends £100 per month on beer, that’s maybe between 25 and 35 pints which doesn’t seem excessive to me. A friend of mine who I suspect to be a functioning alcoholic drinks somewhere around that volume each week. Not saying your DP doesn’t have a problem but may be a good time to nip it in the bud.

CheeseGirl4 · 30/10/2017 08:06

I don't think this is as a problem with alcohol somuch as a problem with suddenly shitting himself about his commitments to you and your child.

Original poster
Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 08:10

Sharklovers - I've told my partner he can have a drink, just not spend that amount or get drunk every weekend as it's not fair on me or our son , he promised me that on our date night he would have a few drinks and that would be it. And he got hammered again. I told him when we got home that o didn't appreciate it and it was embarrassing and he swore to me from that point onwards he would prove to me that he could go a weekend without drinking anything, which he went back on the next day as he bought cans from the shop and then started drinking JD and coke. We were at home there was no need for him to continue drinking. It always results in him passing out on the couch . It's a lot of money when he's the only one earning and my measly maternity allowance barely covers bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 08:12

Cheesegirl4- you're probably right. It was funny at first as it was the only way I could talk to him about feelings but after the 3rd or 4th it got tedious. He needs a massive wake up call. You'd think he would have grown up when his elder son was born

OP posts:
humblesims · 30/10/2017 08:15

Its hard to see within his schedule of a full working week and a full drinking weekend, when he finds time to be a parent? Does he does any parenting?

treaclesoda · 30/10/2017 08:17

I'm so sorry, the broken promises are a very bad sign indeed. Either he has no intention of changing, or he is so totally consumed with alcohol addiction that he can't stop.

Rudgie47 · 30/10/2017 08:18

Thats not an alcoholic by a long way.
Its more that your husband doesnt want to face up to the responsibilities of family life.My Dad used to go out and drink every night and at both lunch times and evenings on the weekend.
I think its more about the fact your husband doesnt want to stay in and be doing things with his family. You need to talk to him and explain how you feel and if your not happy then tak eit from there. Could you compromise and go out for a couple of times per month?.

Pannnn · 30/10/2017 08:21

He is low functioning alcohol dependent person at the moment and this will deteriorate as dc gets more able and OH can't keep up.

He has a significant problem with alcohol as he is wrecking his own and others relationships.

And yes he is running away from being a dad.

Pannnn · 30/10/2017 08:21

He is low functioning alcohol dependent person at the moment and this will deteriorate as dc gets more able and OH can't keep up.

He has a significant problem with alcohol as he is wrecking his own and others relationships.

And yes he is running away from being a dad.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/10/2017 08:21

All you can do it sit him down and tell him it's unacceptable behaviour and that you won't contemplate having a second child with him

Reallly he won't change until he wants to

And it sound like something is making him unhappy

Hard times OP Flowers

witchofzog · 30/10/2017 08:23

He isn't an alcoholic but as others have said he is being very selfish. Do you get £100 a month to spend on yourself too? Also do you get a baby free night to do whatever you want to do?

MrsMarigold · 30/10/2017 08:25

He isn't an alcoholic, he's binge drinking occasionally. I agree with Rudgie47 I think your DH sounds a bit overwhelmed and slighted; being a new dad is tough, your DW now has an entirely new love, and men can feel left out and jealous, cut him some slack. It's just an interest try and talk about it but don't be aggressive.

Pannnn · 30/10/2017 08:27

Forget the alcoholic label. Alcohol misuse is causing him and others significant problems and he won't change until he wishes to.
Don't try bargains and deals. They don't work with someone who wants to drink. The drink will win every time.

MissConductUS · 30/10/2017 08:29

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - it starts out small and gets worse over time. One characteristic of an alcoholic drinker is that he or she lacks the "off switch" that tells them when they've had enough and must stop. People who habitually drink to the point of heavy intoxication are alcohol abusers on the progressive path to alcoholism.

Ask him to discuss it with his doctor. And you should find a local al-anon group and go to a few of their meetings. Al-anon is for family and friends of alcoholics.

If it matters, I'm a recovering alcoholic with 23 years of sobriety and it certainly sounds to me like he's got a serious problem.

Pannnn · 30/10/2017 08:35

Hi Miss- of Miele fame! - I find the talk of 'not so bad' and cutting some slack to be deeply naive and avoiding the screaming evidence of the seriousness of the situation.

sharklovers · 30/10/2017 08:43

Sounds like he doesn’t need to drink and may only intend to have a couple but once he’s had one he just can’t stop himself. Possibly the only way to overcome that is to become teetotal

grannysmiff · 30/10/2017 08:43

Not an alcoholic. Stop trying to label everything. You need to talk.

Original poster
Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 08:58

Thanks everyone for your comments so far. Although I agree it is hard to adjust to being a full time parent, this isn't the first time he's done it so he should have some understanding of what it entails already. In terms of cutting him some slack, I cut him slack all the time when I was pregnant as I knew he wanted to get it out of his system . It just worries me how much it has stepped up and that he's struggling with something emotionally. I think it could possibly be to do with the guilt he feels about seeing our son every day and sees his older son once a month for a few hours. I also worry he feels trapped and won't admit it. I've asked him if he does feel trapped when he's had a drink and I know it would be more difficult for him to lie and he's said I'm being silly for thinking that. He does have opportunities to parent on his own as well, obviously just not as much as me because I'm with our son most of the time. I've had maybe two occasions where he's watched our son when I went out. He's always telling me to go out with friends, but they all have children or are pregnant so time away is scarce for them too. His friends that he's met within this group don't help as they encourage him to down drinks when he's out and they take advantage od his good nature as he will literally pay for anything when drunk. And no, I don't get £100 for myself.

OP posts:
HeteronormativeHaybales · 30/10/2017 09:00

He used to 'stop at 4 or 5'? I'm sorry, but it sounds as if he's always had a problem with drinking to excess. The 'craft beer' is just an excuse (as treaclesoda points out, real beer/wine connoisseurs don't drink enough to get 'shitfaced' as that just defeats the object).

Do you know why the relationship with the mother of his other son ended?

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