AIBU to think my boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic?

[Laurenmclovely]

Hi lovely ladies.

So here's the thing, my boyfriend has always enjoyed a drink on a Friday which was fine before we had our son as he would stop at 4 or 5. Since our son was born he joined a 'craft beer forum' which on my eyes is basically a group of sad men exchanging stories about beer that some weirdo has made in his shed and they all get excited over it (I've tasted some of these beers and nail polish remover comes to mind). He started actually meeting up with a group of them and went out for the 5 weekends in a row after DS was born, breaking promises to stay at home and help me out. He would get absolutely sh*t faced each time and stroll in at 3 am some nights. Baring in mind I was getting very little sleep . It took him to the point of me getting to tears before he realised how much of a dick he was being and he did cut back on going out. We moved house and everything was lovely for a few weeks. Now, it seems to have got into an endless cycle of him meeting these idiots on a Friday , because he just HAS to get the new beer for that week, coming home and drinking himself into oblivion , and staying up until the following afternoon. He has a demanding job so the weekend is really the only time we can do anything as a family and I feel he is putting alcohol first. He doesn't drink during the week, most weeks but every weekend he's getting polasped. He spends over £100 a month on beer and I've said he needs to cut it down and stop being selfish. I can't deal with his hangovers and he starts getting crabby with our son because he feels like shit. His best friend has even pulled him aside and told him to cut it out but there's always an excuse and my boyfriend swearing he is on top of the situation. Last weekend was our first date night since before DS was born and he got drunk and was being loud and obnoxious. He even managed to sneak in a visit to a brewery in there before I could object. I'm genuinely worried he has a problem and I don't want to make an ultimatum but all the promises he has made so far he keeps breaking or bending them to suit him. How do I get him to realise he has a problem before our family falls apart?

Perhaps with your superior knowledge you could help her with that question

I did that with my first post in this thread, but if I wasn't clear enough, he is a high functioning alcoholic and this functioning will degrade over time as the disease progresses.

Gosh! You're very sure! But then you would be.

At least I had the humility to only say that "he could be".

And if not be had a problem with heavy drinking.

Gosh! You're very sure! But then you would be.

Yes I am. By OP's account he meets at least four of the diagnostic criteria when only two are required. And of course I would be. I'm both a health care professional and someone who has the disease.

At least I had the humility to only say that "he could be".

Good on you mate.

And if not be had a problem with heavy drinking.

You seem to think that there's some ethereal, philosophical difference between someone who has a problem with heavy drinking and someone who is in some stage of alcoholism. The person doesn't have to acknowledge the disease to have it. In fact denial of the disease is completely normal. If the drinking is heavy, chronic and is causing serious problems, it's some stage of alcoholism.

You also seem to think that there's something inherently shameful in being an alcoholic. There isn't - it's a physical disease, like any addiction. What makes it problematic is the behavioral component and the fact that successful treatment requires so much effort on the part of the person with the disease.

It sounds more like depression or ptsd. He nearly lost both of you. Can you speak to your hv. Luckily they seem much better clues up these days on how birth, esp a life threatening one can affect the dads, often it is worse seeing someone going through it than going through a difficult birth. Dh is still struggling sometimes years after we went through a very similar situation at birth.

I have no idea about his alcohol functioning but what you have there is a low functioning father. Sorry.

missconduct that is all very helpful information, thank you. I think there is so much interesting information that is new to me that I am learning about alcohol addiction. I have several family members and some friends with alcoholism - I live in a region where it is very socially acceptable to drink a lot. For various reasons I was brought up to believe that AA was the Only Route to sobriety, but have read some really interesting articles about drugs that affect the desire to drink that would be so useful to people I know. Any further information welcomed.

He definitely has a drink problem. It is impacting on his life and his families life.

He sounds incredibly selfish. But most heavy drinkers are.

@Lauren - My apologies, it was never my intention to hijack your thread, and I hope you'll forgive me for getting wrapped around the axle with someone else.

mousemoose

I was brought up to believe that AA was the Only Route to sobriety, but have read some really interesting articles about drugs that affect the desire to drink that would be so useful to people I know. Any further information welcomed.

There are a number of medications commonly used to inhibit alcohol consumption and manage withdrawal symptoms during the first phase of treatment, commonly called detoxification or detox.

Fighting Alcoholism with Medications

They can be very helpful but only as part of holistic course of treatment.

Alcohol Use Disorder Treatment

Alcoholism manifests physically, socially and psychologically and must be treated on all three levels. See the article above. Some sort of peer group support is critical for most people. I know AA is not a good fit for some people, but there are other organizations like Rational Recovery that modify the 12 step model to make it more acceptable to some who have an issue with AA's focus on a "higher power". Some hospitals offer support groups, and there is outpatient group treatment available in some places. The persons doctor is the best place to start locating those resources, and get medication if it's indicated.

I did a medically supervised detox, outpatient treatment for a few months and then AA. The disease is a bitch and you have to throw everything you've got at it.

AA in the UK, from what I've learned here on MN, seems much more doctrinaire and rigid than it is in the US, which is odd since it started here. It, or something like it, is still very important. I went to AA for about 6 years. I cannot explain the sense of hopelessness I felt at first. It was as if I had fallen into a deep pit that I could never climb out of. AA gave me hope. Every time I went I met people who had pulled their lives back together. They shared their experience and strength with me. They proved that it was possible to live a happy life without drink. I made friends there who cared if I showed up or not. And I cared about how they were doing. We pulled each other through the rough bits.

There's a saying in AA for those who disagree with parts of the program - "Take what you want and leave the rest". If AA is the only option in your area, it's way better than continuing to drink.

Ask away if there's anything I've left out. And you or anyone is free to PM for my email address if you've questions you'd rather not post here. Providing information, advice and support to those who struggle with drink or have loved ones who do is how I pay it forward, in recognition of the debt I have to those who lifted me out of the pit 23 years ago.

HTH

Thanks so much miss and massive for your recovery and all best wishes for its continuation. And I hope it didn’t sound like I was disrespecting AA: I have massive reasons to be grateful to it as someone closest to me celebrates 23 years of sobriety with its help this year.

Ah when I put flowers I meant congrats not sympathy btw!!!! It is an amazing achievement!

You are most welcome mouse and thank you for the good wishes.

And I hope it didn’t sound like I was disrespecting AA: I have massive reasons to be grateful to it as someone closest to me celebrates 23 years of sobriety with its help this year.

I did not see any disrespect whatsoever. The fact that AA has traditionally had such a monopoly on self help for alcoholics has been a real problem for some. People want choices. I am fortunate to live in an area with many active AA groups. They differ somewhat in character and demographic makeup, (whispers and some are run by complete arseholes ) so if someone doesn't care for one, there's another down the road to try. In more rural areas there is far less choice.

I was a bit concerned when you asked about pharmaceutical options. Medications like antabuse can be helpful in terms of making you sick if you drink, but they don't teach you how to rebuild your life and live happily without drink. It would be lovely if there was a "cure" for alcoholism, but there is not.

How funny that your friend is celebrating 23 years, as I am. 1994 must have been a good year to do it. Please send him or her my congratulations.

And thank you so much for the . I took them as congratulatory.