Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic?

61 replies

Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 07:41

Hi lovely ladies.

So here's the thing, my boyfriend has always enjoyed a drink on a Friday which was fine before we had our son as he would stop at 4 or 5. Since our son was born he joined a 'craft beer forum' which on my eyes is basically a group of sad men exchanging stories about beer that some weirdo has made in his shed and they all get excited over it (I've tasted some of these beers and nail polish remover comes to mind). He started actually meeting up with a group of them and went out for the 5 weekends in a row after DS was born, breaking promises to stay at home and help me out. He would get absolutely sh*t faced each time and stroll in at 3 am some nights. Baring in mind I was getting very little sleep . It took him to the point of me getting to tears before he realised how much of a dick he was being and he did cut back on going out. We moved house and everything was lovely for a few weeks. Now, it seems to have got into an endless cycle of him meeting these idiots on a Friday , because he just HAS to get the new beer for that week, coming home and drinking himself into oblivion , and staying up until the following afternoon. He has a demanding job so the weekend is really the only time we can do anything as a family and I feel he is putting alcohol first. He doesn't drink during the week, most weeks but every weekend he's getting polasped. He spends over £100 a month on beer and I've said he needs to cut it down and stop being selfish. I can't deal with his hangovers and he starts getting crabby with our son because he feels like shit. His best friend has even pulled him aside and told him to cut it out but there's always an excuse and my boyfriend swearing he is on top of the situation. Last weekend was our first date night since before DS was born and he got drunk and was being loud and obnoxious. He even managed to sneak in a visit to a brewery in there before I could object. I'm genuinely worried he has a problem and I don't want to make an ultimatum but all the promises he has made so far he keeps breaking or bending them to suit him. How do I get him to realise he has a problem before our family falls apart?

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2017 09:06

they tend to not actually drink it in huge amounts

My husband is in a group, too treacle and like yours doesn't actually drink a great deal.

This is because it tastes like shit they want to savour it and determine the number of decaying rats different flavours influencing the overall taste.

Itsonkyme · 30/10/2017 09:07

He could be an alcoholic. People are under the impression that alcoholics drink all the time every day. You can be classed as alcohol dependant if you have to have a couple of drinks a night.
It's not what you drink, it's not how much you drink, it's about how it affects you when you do drink.
So it's seems that when he has a drink, he can't just have a couple or do the slow drinking with his Craft mates. He has to get absolutely smashed.

Try to get him to have two or three pints and then STOP , if he can't do it, I think you may have a big problem.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2017 09:07

I think your BF has a problem, but until he acknowledges it and wants to do something about it, there's nothing you can do, sadly.

Original poster
Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 09:09

Hetero- I know what you're saying , and it bothered me then but at least he would come to bed a decent time and was still sober enough to partake in things. Well, she was quite abusive towards him and he was never allowed to go out and she would ring and text him at all hours as they lived hundreds of miles apart. She was a heavy drinker and smoker, and continued to do both when pregnant. She was emotionally abusive to him as well. His mother is also quite cold and never really took an interest in his life, apart from providing basic needs . His step dad is also a drug dealer and violent having pushed him down the stairs once and repeatedly cheating on his mum. I often wonder if all this has culminated and really hit home now he's in the situation himself. I have verification of his exes antics from family member's and friends as well as they have seen it.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2017 09:09

The label alcoholic and not alcoholic is not helpful. It’s a grey area. He definitely sounds like a problem binge drinker. He also sounds as if he’s not willing to deal with it. Scary as it may seem, it needs to be your choice to decide what you will do about it. Can you accept you and your dd being around him?

Original poster
Laurenmclovely · 30/10/2017 09:13

It's getting him to acknowledge he has a problem that's the thing. His best friend even said the other night of he doesn't stop, I'm gonna get to the point where I walk away and he would lose everything . We have both tried talking to him about it and he always answers with 'i see what you're saying, but' he is a good dad when he's on the ball. But I need to make him think about how it would damage our son to see his dad drunk every weekend .

OP posts:
Khaleesi0 · 30/10/2017 09:34

I had this problem with my ex. Incidentally it’s the reason he’s now my ex...

He’d drink himself into oblivion every weekend, at weddings he’d sneak in extra drinks between rounds... drinking until 7 or 8am from the night before.

He still does it now cos “I don’t see the problem with me having a few drinks on a weekend”.

It’ll get worse but won’t get better.

frieda909 · 30/10/2017 09:37

He sounds very much like my ex. Saturday night was the only real night we got together and he would choose to spend it in front of his computer drinking seven or eight strong Belgian/German beers before passing out on the sofa. He also got moodier and moodier through the years and was only ‘happy’ when he sat down to start his beer session (then he’d gradually turn nasty and abusive as he drank his way through them). He also had this friend who used to come round sometimes to hang out and I’d often go into the living room after a few hours to find my ex passed out drunk while his poor friend just amused himself watching TV. Great host!

I’ve never been sure whether ‘alcoholic’ is the right word but however you label it he definitely had a very bad relationship with alcohol, and it sounds like yours does too.

Itsonkyme · 30/10/2017 10:12

Mummyoflittledragon. Alcoholic or not alcoholic is NOT a grey area.
You either are an alcoholic or your not. You cant be a little bit alcoholic.
By the way, "a problem binge drinker can be an alcoholic. Binge drinkers are a type of alcoholic.
We're not trying to label anyone, in fact only He can decide if he is an alcoholic .
Lauren said the she had worries that he was out of control and also his best friend.
It's also "not helpful" to bury your head in the sand and think it will go away. The guy has a big alcohol problem. Imo. Which is what the op
asked for.

MissConductUS · 30/10/2017 10:45

There is a medical definition:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholism

In a medical context, alcoholism is said to exist when two or more of the following conditions is present: a person drinks large amounts over a long time period, has difficulty cutting down, acquiring and drinking alcohol takes up a great deal of time, alcohol is strongly desired, usage results in not fulfilling responsibilities, usage results in social problems, usage results in health problems, usage results in risky situations, withdrawal occurs when stopping, and alcohol tolerance has occurred with use.[1]

He's either there or clearly headed there. Again, it's a progressive disease. It will get worse over time.

Porpoises · 30/10/2017 11:00

Given what you've said about his past he may well have ptsd or cptsd. It would have been worsened by nearly losing you at the birth. It's common for people, particularly men, to try to numb the symptoms with alcohol.

Nonetheless that doesn't make what he is doing okay. It is not healthy, and it is impacting you and the baby. I think you need to push him to seek help, but also set very strong boundaries, maybe up to leaving him of nothing else works.

I'm sorry you're going through this at what would otherwise be a wonderful time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2017 12:48

Itsomkyme
In this context, no it isn’t helpful or useful because op is being told either that he is or he isn’t an alcoholic by posters. It’s difficult to judge whether or not he’s an alcoholic from ops posts on the Internet. Even you admitted it when quoting “problem binge drinker’. Yes, either he’s an alcoholic or he’s not. But we can’t tell and for starters op hasn’t given us enough information. Hence the grey area. I am well aware of the clinical definitions and degrees of alcoholism as I face it in my family. I am also well aware of what a problem binge drinker is and that they can also be an alcoholic. Even then it’s difficult to decifer. There really was no need to shout.

Itsonkyme · 31/10/2017 13:29

Shout??????

Anyway! The op's original question was " AIBU to think my boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic. "

I said that from what she said, "he could be". And that "only HE could decide if he was".

How that is supposed to label someone is beyond me.

MissConductUS · 31/10/2017 13:39

And that "only HE could decide if he was

Actually other people can decide if he's an alcoholic. A doctor, for example, could use the criteria listed in the medical definition, check his liver function by some common blood tests and come to a firm conclusion that he is in fact an alcoholic, even if he is still in denial about it.

Only he can decide if he wants to seek treatment for it or stop drinking.

Itsonkyme · 31/10/2017 13:47

Actually a Doctor could only tell that he was a very heavy drinker from the above tests. He could also only say according to the medical criteria it was very likely that he was an alcoholic.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 13:57

Itsomkyme
Capitals on mumsnet is shouting. If you are trying to emphasise, try italics. HTH.

Guiltybystander · 31/10/2017 14:00

I would chuck a drunkard out like cat by the scruff to shit in the garden. Men have hobbies but drinking shouldn't be one of them. He pours money down his throats and pisses it out. I would tell him to leave if he continues like this but if you depend on him financially it's a toughie.

MissConductUS · 31/10/2017 14:00

So if a doctor, based on an exam and a fasting glucose test diagnosed someone as diabetic, would it only be true if the patient agreed?

lolaflores · 31/10/2017 14:16

There is also the case for abusing alcohol given its magic powers of putting the world a step or two away. The cycle becomes the norm of problems getting too much to bear, drinking to cancel out the anxiety only to produce a whole new batch of difficulties.
Until the problems are resoled, and he alone know what they are, the drinking is going to be symptomatic.
The drinking is causing the chaos but he actual problem needs digging out before the behaviour can be resolved/

junebirthdaygirl · 31/10/2017 14:28

An alcoholic is someone who is not in control of his drinking and this is your dp. I would tell him to go to his dm everytime he is drunk and not to come into a house with a little baby inside. He can do what he likes but please do not have him around you or baby drunk. He will only see the truth when there are consequences and that is the consequence. Beer or baby..he chooses. Be tough here for everyones sake. He may cop on.

Itsonkyme · 31/10/2017 15:04

Mummyoflittledragon

Not interested in your pedantic little rules for MN and I will emphasise however I want to do.

So Do One!!!!!

Itsonkyme · 31/10/2017 15:15

MissConductUs
Obviously diabetes is a physical illness so obviously a test would prove that a person had diabetes.?
Alcoholism is an addiction so more to do with the mind. So a test would only prove someone to be a heavy drinker and show damage to the body due to excess alcohol.

A test cannot prove alcoholism, it can only be and indication of it.
As I said before, only HE can say that he is an alcoholic.

MissConductUS · 31/10/2017 16:55

Alcoholism is an addiction so more to do with the mind

Not so. It's a physical disease as much as diabetes.

Molecular basis of alcoholism

The maladaptive behaviors of alcoholism rely on changes in the brain that lead to compulsive and excessive drinking, afflicting all organs, with damage as a secondary consequence of alcoholism. While acute use of alcohol, such as binge drinking and intoxication, causes cellular changes in the brain that last for hours, chronic alcohol use induces widespread neuroadaptations in the nervous system that can last a lifetime. This involves the remodeling of synapses that are dependent upon changes in gene expression in the presence of chronic alcohol use (Wilke et al., 1994), and is illustrated in Figure 6.1.

Additionally, if you take an alcoholic and put him in a locked hospital ward with no access to alcohol potentially fatal withdrawal symptoms occur.

AWS

How would these be possible if it was purely "in his mind"?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2017 16:56

Itsomkyme

😂😂🤣🤣 I didn’t make the rules up. HTH

Itsonkyme · 31/10/2017 17:43

MissConductUs
You were talking about a Doctor being able to diagnose alcoholism by medical definitions and testing blood etc and it would be as clear cut as someone having tests and being diagnosed with diabetes.

I still stand by my assertion that this would not be possible

I also did not say that alcoholism is totally in the mind of course it has physical causes and symptoms as well.

Anyway, none of this is helping the op who asked our opinions regarding if she was being U to think that her boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic.
Perhaps with your superior knowledge you could help her with that question.