I've had enough!

[anythingbuttypical]

I'm fed up. My husband has no respect for me. My kids have no respect for me. He undermines me when I try to discipline them. He calls me bone idle infront of them. I'm not bone idle. I just don't list everything I do and make a big song and dance about it. I've started to spend more and more time away from them. Going to bed early or going out to a friend's house or like last night. I just went and sat in my car in a nearby carpark for an hour.
Examples:

1. We decided to have a chinese. Dd didn't want Chinese. So I said if she didn't want what we all wanted then I could make her something different at home. She refused. DH made us all change what we wanted to what she wanted. Having to drive 3 miles to get it despite the Chinese being round the corner.
2. Dd1 got her bike out after me telling her not to, when it was time to put it away, she refused and told me to do it. DH was busy and told me to do it. I explained I told her not to get it out and so she should be made to pit it away. He started shouting at me. Calling me bone idle. The dds jumped on it and started calling me names and being generally horrible to me. Dd put the bike away herself in the end after lots of bagging from me.
3. Dd2 didnt finish her dinner after sitting there for over an hour. Claiming she was full. She woke up at midnight demanding a chocolate bar. Screaming, shouting and banging. I said no, it was the middle of the night and she should have finished her dinner and she wouldn't sleep if she ate chocolate. She then wanted a drink. So I got her a glass of water. No she wanted juice, cue more screaming. DH started shouting at me telling me to give her a chocolate bar/juice etc to shut her up!!! He'd rather have an easy night but it just makes the rest if our life harder. He doesn't get it!

I refused as one of us has to parent the kids and teach them boundaries. After half an hour of screaming and crying, saying she was starving to death. She gave up. She hasn't done it again since.

I'm constantly made to feel like I'm basically abusive and lazy. Other people tell me I'm a pushover with them (I probably have been, I've recently taken a different approach as they have become brats) and when I tell people that he calls me bone idle. They comment on how clean my house is, how tidy the kids are and how they can tell I am anything but lazy.

He has always had a chip on his shoulder about how he works 50 hour weeks when I work 16. I mention how I've saved us a small fortune in childcare. Working my job around the dc's. And how I am always there to pick them up, cook the dinners, take them to their clubs and clean up after them. He's disgusted if I ever ask him to throw a load in the washing machine or empty the dishwasher or put the dcs to bed. You know just a few small jobs. Is that too much to ask. But I'm being bone idle.
We're their parents not their friends. They need discipline and I can't do it alone.

This situation sounds heartbreaking and so exhausting. He is teaching your kids to have no respect for you, he is teaching them to be spoilt and unpleasant. For you to have to sit in the car to escape them is dreadful.
I wonder why you do all this and put up with such an attitude from your husband. Is it because part of you feels unworthy because he works such long hours and you work part time? He sounds like he just doesn't value what you do and the massive contribution you are making.

Can I suggest you sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms that this has to stop, NOW. If he ever demeans you in front of your children again, even once, you will walk. Mean what you say. Think about how you would leave and what steps you would take. Have a plan. If he derides you and puts you down, end the conversation and start the ball rolling . Your husband sounds awful. You are worth much more than this. It will only get worse if you allow this, and you ARE allowing it. By not standing up to him and challenging him, and allowing him to let your kids away with their behaviour, you are essentially caving in to being bullied. Stand up for yourself and decide you aren't going to take this anymore. He's a bully and he's a selfish waste of space.

Do you have friends and family who can support you and be on your side? You need people on your side who speak the truth and help fight back. Good luck .

Your DH sounds horrendous - I think mine don't respect me or help me etc but if they called me bone idle I'd make sure I bloody was just to show them. Saw a thing ages ago on the internet about a mother who went on strike and stuck with it even when the dishes were piling up all around her ears (and doing her own head in) but she persevered until her kids (not sure she had a DH but sure she would have done same even still) finally got the message and realised that having to make their own packed lunches and find clean washing when there wasn't any got to them and they had to finally wake up

Don't know if anyone has mentioned it before because NRFT but this is it: strikingmom.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/monday-october-1st-2012-striking.html

Don't tell your young dcs that you are not interested in having anything to do with them.
Try to separate the behaviour of your husband from that of your children. And then try to separate the behaviour of your children from the children themselves.
Explain the consequences of them calling you names and follow through. This is better than just being in a bad mood with them.
Is your relationship worth saving? Is your dh typically like this and does he have redeeming qualities? I work about as much as you and find it very stressful. I can't imagine doing 50 hours though, has he ever talked about wanting to change this - would be more productive than just moaning to you.

He IS abusive and the longer you stay with him, the more damage it's inflicting on your children.

He doesn't even like you, let alone love you. Stop minimising this shit, carry on as you have today, whilst getting your ducks in a row. Go and see a solicitor about a divorce, get copies of the financials, speak to Women's Aid and your friend and mum for support.

You must leave him, Your children need protecting from him and only you can do that.

Good luck OP. You're doing the right thing. (And he is abusive).

One (supportively meant) suggestion: make sure they understand that you're not doing [whatever it is] because of the way they've behaved / asked so they can clearly see the cause and effect. With my 6 yo, when he starts changing his behaviour on something like this I explain why I AM then doing something, i.e. "you asked really nicely, it'd be a pleasure" etc... (okay, probably not that 1950s, but you get what I mean).

Your DH is harbouring resentment for you, why? First thought, do you think he is comparing you to someone else?

My STBXH ditched me and has conveniently forgotten what it's like to have to work and fit in the school runs. He won't help me. I think he always harboured this resentment of me working part time and even more so when he got his younger, childless OW.

I agree with what you're doing, but I wouldn't refuse to watch their show - you can stop putting up with poor behaviour, while still supporting good behaviour.

Also, I was just thinking, could you increase your hours at work? Would you want to?

I'm not suggesting you should have to in order to get respect from your family, but I wonder what his reaction would be if you told him you were fed up of being called lazy and having the mortgage payments thrown in your face. So now the kids are bigger, you're thinking about going back to work full time. Of course, that will mean he'll have to start doing half the childcare and chores... ;)

I don't think I could contemplate leaving. I couldn't afford to live. I feel trapped.

Read Pat Craven, Living with the Dominator.

If it was me, I would say that if they think you are bone idle, you will act bone idle. Stop doing anything for anyone but yourself and let them see exactly what you do and they take for granted.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation but she was able to leave and go to her mums. The boy was about 8 and treated her the same as she some how got counselling for the son. Things are all happy now though, so there is light at the end of the tunnel

If you think this is what he lived with as a child, then (perhaps) it's no wonder his mum left if all she got was abuse and disrespect from her spouse and children! I'd ask him if he has ever considered that if his father had treated his mother with even a minimum of respect, and demanded that their children did too, that she would not have left?

When I was living with my parents we all took my mum for granted and she felt like you did, she just left and stayed with a relative and she wouldn’t come home until there had been a family discussion and we sat down and listened to what was wrong, we realised when she left what she actually did for us all because she wasn’t there doing it. Maybe find someone you can stay with for a couple of days/weeks, that might make them realise what you actually do and because you’re out of the house you can’t be tempted to do things.

Yes I agree with pp. It is abuse.

You could afford to live -don’t let the money stop you if that’s what you want. Look at www.entitled2.com and see what benefits you would be entitled to

If you want to give it another couple of months it might help you to make it very clear to him you are prepared to leave him over this. Exactly why, and exactly what needs to change for you to stay. If he kicks off and argues, well it's up to him what he does with this information, draw the line and leave it there. But you need to see if he has the motivation to do anything about this.

One thing I'd point out to him is that he is using the girls. He is actively creating a hierarchy in your home, with him at the top as the boss, the girls above you, and you are very, very clearly at the bottom. The girls are 9 and 10, the person in their house who says and acts most powerful is making it very clear that there are a lot of privileges and rewards from him attached to buying into this power dynamic and copying his abusive behaviour towards you. And yes this is abusive. It's not normal and not ok for your partner to be putting you down and humiliating you like this for their own purposes, nor using and manipulating kids to do it. That is not what a healthy relationship with anyone looks like, never mind your partner in life.

Yes, challenge and consequence the children every time they cross the line, jump on it early 123 magic style instead of enduring until they do/say something seriously disrespectful. Respect is about the small things. And yes to going on strike, they need to realise you're not going to just accept the scapegoat role he is assigning you. I know you say you think if you left they'd just roll along in Disney Dad paradise without you - you may find that actually his behaviour is all about you.

Do you have a family support worker at the dd's school to talk to? Or a clinical psychologist if you can afford a couple of appointments? They look at family dynamics, behaviour with older children, there are activities and strategies they can use with you and the dds to work on getting them seeing you differently to the way your 'd' p is teaching them.

Sent him a few messages about it today. Saying we needed to talk about the situation when he gets in. He's backed me up a few times and told the dds that things need to change. No apology for his behaviour and a few sly comments coz I was being off with him.

How are things now, OP?