I've had enough!

[anythingbuttypical]

I'm fed up. My husband has no respect for me. My kids have no respect for me. He undermines me when I try to discipline them. He calls me bone idle infront of them. I'm not bone idle. I just don't list everything I do and make a big song and dance about it. I've started to spend more and more time away from them. Going to bed early or going out to a friend's house or like last night. I just went and sat in my car in a nearby carpark for an hour.
Examples:

1. We decided to have a chinese. Dd didn't want Chinese. So I said if she didn't want what we all wanted then I could make her something different at home. She refused. DH made us all change what we wanted to what she wanted. Having to drive 3 miles to get it despite the Chinese being round the corner.
2. Dd1 got her bike out after me telling her not to, when it was time to put it away, she refused and told me to do it. DH was busy and told me to do it. I explained I told her not to get it out and so she should be made to pit it away. He started shouting at me. Calling me bone idle. The dds jumped on it and started calling me names and being generally horrible to me. Dd put the bike away herself in the end after lots of bagging from me.
3. Dd2 didnt finish her dinner after sitting there for over an hour. Claiming she was full. She woke up at midnight demanding a chocolate bar. Screaming, shouting and banging. I said no, it was the middle of the night and she should have finished her dinner and she wouldn't sleep if she ate chocolate. She then wanted a drink. So I got her a glass of water. No she wanted juice, cue more screaming. DH started shouting at me telling me to give her a chocolate bar/juice etc to shut her up!!! He'd rather have an easy night but it just makes the rest if our life harder. He doesn't get it!

I refused as one of us has to parent the kids and teach them boundaries. After half an hour of screaming and crying, saying she was starving to death. She gave up. She hasn't done it again since.

I'm constantly made to feel like I'm basically abusive and lazy. Other people tell me I'm a pushover with them (I probably have been, I've recently taken a different approach as they have become brats) and when I tell people that he calls me bone idle. They comment on how clean my house is, how tidy the kids are and how they can tell I am anything but lazy.

He has always had a chip on his shoulder about how he works 50 hour weeks when I work 16. I mention how I've saved us a small fortune in childcare. Working my job around the dc's. And how I am always there to pick them up, cook the dinners, take them to their clubs and clean up after them. He's disgusted if I ever ask him to throw a load in the washing machine or empty the dishwasher or put the dcs to bed. You know just a few small jobs. Is that too much to ask. But I'm being bone idle.
We're their parents not their friends. They need discipline and I can't do it alone.

Hrs awful and he's encouraging your daughters to act like brats. You're bottom of the pile in your house in his eyes. Why do you think its ok for him to treat you like this?

It is abusive

No one deserves to live like this. He's teaching your DC to treat you like shit too

You're only concerned about your kids treating you like shit? But it comes from him. Unless he stops they won't.

If you can't talk to him about it (and it doesn't sound likely as to be honest he sounds like a twat) then your only other option is to get out of this abusive and depressing relationship.

I'm sorry this probably isn't what you want to hear

I'm very ashamed to say that as a child I used to call my mother a shitbrain, a piece of shit and a fucking cunt.

Dad did it and she always excused it so I didn't think it was that bad.

It IS abusive, but I think that deep down you probably know that. After all, it has got bad enough to make you came on here to ask for advice.

He is driving a wedge betweeen you and your dc. He is also using them to get at you which is an abuse of them. They dont deserve to live with a dad who has no interest in parenting them and is horrible to their dm.

Well the 'Lazy' does seem to press your buttons!!

If he sees you as lazy then BE lazy

DH get DD a chocolate bar 'I'm too lazy to do that'

DH you'll have to put the bike away as I'm too lazy to do it and I know you're not lazy

Go on strike - seriously

As others have said, it's pointless for you to try and deal with the children's bad behaviour. They have learned it directly from their father and will continue to do so. Not only is this making your life a misery, but they will grow up into abusive adults like him. I feel so sorry for you, as the only solution is to leave him, which is such a drastic step.

I would ask them if they call people names at school. My money would be on no, of course not, they’d get into trouble. I would then say in a calm, firm voice ‘then how dare you call me names? Do it again and insert consequence.’ Set in place some sensible, meaningful consequences. Loss of electronics, ground them, etc.

You really need to tackle your partner. Show them you won’t be talked to by anyone like that. Least of all the one person who is meant to be by your side no matter what. Not only is he teaching them to talk to you and others like this...you are BOTH teaching them that this is how a man treats his wife. How will you feel in ten years or so if they are with someone who treats them like this? You need to model a healthy relationship and how you respond to someone who doesn’t treat you right.

You need to sit down and tell him instead of MN

Make a list of the things that are upsetting you (or you'll be annoyed you missed one!)

Get time with him - without kids

Explain how he is making you feel. As a slight spin on the situation you could explain that how he treats you will be how his daughters get treated by other men - does he want that for them?

Think about what outcome you want and what happens if he does not want that.

If you are not prepared to leave if he does not change then consider whether you even have the conversation.

Good luck - he sounds like a twt who needs a kick up the are

Are they calling you bone idle while they are making lunch and doing the washing? I suspect not...

THis is abuse. And he's actively teaching your children to abuse you as well.

Get out, get out, get out.

Your relationship with your children long term will not be good if you stay.

Your dds are like this now - what are they going to be like as teenagers?! You're setting them up to go completely off the rails. You got to stop allowing him and them to treat you contemptuously.

Start saying no, start saying no to him in front of your kids, don't show respect if they don't, and stop running around after them, and they're old enough to get their own bastard ice cream, stop being a mug or you'll be a mug for the rest of your life, start going out for the day and let them fend for themselves.

Please don't minimise. He is abusive, what he is doing is wrong, on all counts.
I couldn't live with a man who was slowly turning my children against me. You need to stand your ground, he is doing this, because there are no consequences, and he gets away with it.
Please don't let yourself, live your life, like this, you are worth more.🌸

Another one here who would suggest you leave. Hard thing is you don't want to walk away from your children and they could become very difficult indeed if you tried to force them to come with you.

You deserve a better life than being with him though.

They all need sorting out. A 9 year old screaming for a chocolate bar in the middle of the night is embarrassing.

Having no respect for someone is abusive in itself OP. You need to wake up to your life and do something to stop your kids becoming monsters like your DH. Only you can stop this.

Sorry for your horrible time!!

Do nothing for them whilst they are treating you this way. Declare it to them, say,

“Ok guys, if you think I’m lazy, then I’ll be lazy! You can do things for yourself from now on. I’m in strike”

I think that’s the only way lovely. X

Well you don't sound lazy but your kids do.

I thought that you must be talking about very young kids that couldn't do much for themselves.

That's what I've done today. They're grounded (again..) I told them to make their own lunch. Although I did clean up afterwards. I can't stand mess/crumbs etc. I was going to take them for a McDonald's as a treat. But after they were horrible to me this morning I decided to just het myself one instead. I felt bad. They were shocked I did that.
I've done the cleaning etc but nothing else.
They wanted to show me their 'show'. I said I wasn't interested.
I'm trying to show them that if they treat me this way then I don't want anything to do with them.
Same will go for him from now on.
Dd2 called me bone idle as I was hoovering up after their lunch.

Yes I do do all that viques. I'm going to stop as of today. They can sort their own stuff out in future. I've delivered stuff to school before because dd1 has forgotten it. Never again.

Him saying I'm lazy really gets to me. Especially as I spend all my time picking up after them and him.

GOOD FOR YOU OP!

Replace you with

My dd is married to a man who can you see now?

Well done!!!!

Keep going!!

That's a good way to put it ginkypig. I wouldn't be happy at all. Maybe I need to ask him if dd came to us telling us her future dh was doing this how he would feel about it.
I don't think he is a bad man. I just think this is all he knows. This is how he was brought up. He is the product of this kind of relationship. His M left his DF and all the kids and they haven't seen her since.

I have mentioned it to him before. But never like this. Just told him to stop undermining me infront of them. He just got irate and told me I was wrong. I don't think he respects me enough to respect my opinion.