I've had enough!

[anythingbuttypical]

I'm fed up. My husband has no respect for me. My kids have no respect for me. He undermines me when I try to discipline them. He calls me bone idle infront of them. I'm not bone idle. I just don't list everything I do and make a big song and dance about it. I've started to spend more and more time away from them. Going to bed early or going out to a friend's house or like last night. I just went and sat in my car in a nearby carpark for an hour.
Examples:

1. We decided to have a chinese. Dd didn't want Chinese. So I said if she didn't want what we all wanted then I could make her something different at home. She refused. DH made us all change what we wanted to what she wanted. Having to drive 3 miles to get it despite the Chinese being round the corner.
2. Dd1 got her bike out after me telling her not to, when it was time to put it away, she refused and told me to do it. DH was busy and told me to do it. I explained I told her not to get it out and so she should be made to pit it away. He started shouting at me. Calling me bone idle. The dds jumped on it and started calling me names and being generally horrible to me. Dd put the bike away herself in the end after lots of bagging from me.
3. Dd2 didnt finish her dinner after sitting there for over an hour. Claiming she was full. She woke up at midnight demanding a chocolate bar. Screaming, shouting and banging. I said no, it was the middle of the night and she should have finished her dinner and she wouldn't sleep if she ate chocolate. She then wanted a drink. So I got her a glass of water. No she wanted juice, cue more screaming. DH started shouting at me telling me to give her a chocolate bar/juice etc to shut her up!!! He'd rather have an easy night but it just makes the rest if our life harder. He doesn't get it!

I refused as one of us has to parent the kids and teach them boundaries. After half an hour of screaming and crying, saying she was starving to death. She gave up. She hasn't done it again since.

I'm constantly made to feel like I'm basically abusive and lazy. Other people tell me I'm a pushover with them (I probably have been, I've recently taken a different approach as they have become brats) and when I tell people that he calls me bone idle. They comment on how clean my house is, how tidy the kids are and how they can tell I am anything but lazy.

He has always had a chip on his shoulder about how he works 50 hour weeks when I work 16. I mention how I've saved us a small fortune in childcare. Working my job around the dc's. And how I am always there to pick them up, cook the dinners, take them to their clubs and clean up after them. He's disgusted if I ever ask him to throw a load in the washing machine or empty the dishwasher or put the dcs to bed. You know just a few small jobs. Is that too much to ask. But I'm being bone idle.
We're their parents not their friends. They need discipline and I can't do it alone.

It's hard to see things clearly when it's you that's in the middle of it (trust me Iv been there too) but to us looking in its very obvious how badly your are being treated just by the little you've shared with us!

I hope you can find a way to have the life you deserve any.

Book yourself into a hotel for a couple of nights and refuse to take their phone calls/texts. Tell them that you're tired of the disrespect and you need time to think about your future.
They all need a wake-up call OP. And you need to be treated to a bit of kindness and thoughtfulness. Your daughters need to learn, as does your DH, that there are certain lines that when crossed, cause serious consequences.

Good for you OP. It's awful when kids think it's ok to behave like this to their parent because the other one does.

Do nothing for husband now and I would get the childminder rates and say that this is what it costs to look after children. I'd be happier going out to work and building a career for myself than nurturing children who would turn out like him. Not on your watch. Get tough!

Please leave, for the sake of your children. He is horribly abusive and the kids are learning that this is how men treat women.

Pallasathena - thank you You have just given me the kick I need. I was reading this thread and suddenly realised that I am being treated similarly but by my own DC. The Ex would not dare or he would be on the receiving end. I need to get away from my abuser and just because it is not a man does not make it any less disgusting, or maybe it is even more disgusting

OP it is hard to realise that your OH is abusive but in your case this is very true. I wish your family and friends had tried standing up to your OH. DO NOT let this carry on or one day you could be like me and having your DC treat you like crap. Either they buck up on the spot or they and the OH are over. You deserve so much more

PS DC over 18 so I am not abandoning young kids

He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. He has no respect for you, is verbally and emotionally abusive, and is teaching your children to be the same. Good on you for giving the children boundaries now but how much good that will do when he is constantly undermining you in front of them is doubtful. What does he actually positively contribute to your relationship?

My poor friend could of wrote this...I cry sometimes for her..her husband has turned her eldest against her ,he now calls her lazy too.he bullies her ,is nasty ,and try's to get her to have make up sex 5 minutes after he's been shouting at her...she won't say no to him ever...so because she dosnt stand up to him,he looses even more respect for her...he is a nasty ,man,and I pray she finds the strength to leave him......I think op you need to start with the kids and pull them up for their behaviour every time...he needs to be told to not shout at you...you need to stop running round after them all,she could of got her own water..come on...if you won't tolerate a behaviour in your classroom.dont tolerate it at home

“Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave.”
That is a quote from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody which I think is very, very relevant to you.

Can you tell him to go? What is your situation vis a vis housing, do you own or rent (and is your name on the Deeds/mortgage?).

You really do need to get him out of your life. He can be a Disney Dad every other weekend, and the children will learn quickly which parent is bone idle. Don’t be frightened that you won’t be there looking after them twice a month, they’ll be OK and they’ll be far ore appreciative of what you do for them when they discover what it’s like when you’re not doing it.

He’s bloody awful.

Your DP is abusive and your kids will grow up the same.

continue with not doing anything at all for all of them. give it at least a year and see how they like it.
tell them to stop abusing you and pick up after themselves.

you need to make some drastic changes or they'll walk all over you forever.
also - LTB.

We jointly own a house. I don't think it's serious enough for that. Not yet anyway. I will see what the next couple if months bring. I put the large deposit down but he pays the mortgage (which he brings up often)
I don't think it's serious enough for that. Not yet anyway. Let's see what the next few months bring.

Ooo copy/paste error

How long has this been going on for?

You know. I'm not entirely sure if his attitude is getting worse or if I have recently developed standards. If say over the past year the dds behaviour has deteriated and I have had to toughen up on them. Which he clearly doesn't agree with because it isn't the easy option.

Have you asked him if he actually loves you? Tell him people who love their wife don't treat her like this.

Or you could ask him why you think his mum left? Maybe because his dad treated her like shit...

I don't particularly feel loved. He has his moments (rare)

It's a bit of a sore subject time. I've never asked him about it.

Go off on a holiday and leave them to it. Don't even say where you are going. Just GO! They will fall apart. Just watch them.
When families gang up on one member it's time for a shock to the system.

OP your DH is being abusive not just towards you, but to your children.

Them having to witness his abusive behaviour towards you is emotional abuse. It is going to mess with their heads.

It might be worthwhile speaking to womens aid or someone with a bit of knowledge around that area.

The way things are. I don't think they'd care. I'm a meany! He'd be all Disney dad while I was away and I'd come home to brats 10x worse than when I left.

he pays the mortgage (which he brings up often)

Mean with money, mean with love.

The holiday isn't a good idea because your DH would have to do all the stuff you do

Plus he may realise that giving in to demands (which he passes in to you) means more work

Book something and quick

What do you think is abuse? Do you think it's only physical violence?

A quick internet search on abuse in relationships turns this up:
"Emotional abuse is a form of abuse in which a partner uses verbal assault, fear, or humiliation to undermine the other person's self-esteem and self-worth. Emotional abuse is every bit as damaging as physical abuse."

The sooner you realise this, the sooner you will hopefully do something about it, and the sooner you may remove your children from the damage being inflicted by this awful man.

Agree about sticking to your guns & start speaking back to him/them. Say next time they are all present that you are sick of hearing them say you’re bone idle & it’s simply not true. In our family I only tolerate people talking to each other with kindness & love.

Next time any of them say that to you don’t do a thing for them for a week. Take their washing out of the laundry & make them do it themselves, don’t cook for them or clean up after them. Dirty dishes in their bed if needs be. They all need to learn some respect. Holiday for a week is a good idea too but would dh need to take time off to look after dc?

Still go on holiday and if possible changed the Wifi password before you go. Might as well be as mean as possible!