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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to panic that my 14 yo son is watching hard-core porn?

88 replies

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese · 27/10/2017 18:46

Not a complicated one, but just want to know how others have dealt with this, and name changed because reasons. Noticed that his tablet was where it was meant to be (charging) after he'd gone to bed. DH checked if the Google account was active, which it was, so knocked on his bedroom door and asked him to bring it downstairs. After DS had handed it over and gone back to his room OH told me sites he'd accessed included pornhub and others, including lots of message 'find sexy women to fuck near you right now' type sites. I completely get the whole teen curiosity/wank material side of it, but what he was watching wasn't channel five soft focus stuff, it was properly graphic - and of course because of the way so much of the porno industry works, this includes aggression and demeaning language, as well as all the typical boob jobs and less common (?) sex acts that I don't want him to think is what women all look like or want to do. I'm genuinely a bit panicked because I didn't think he was that interested (I know, I know, completely naive of me, obviously!). The message type sites worry me too - I don't know whether he's actually used them to 'talk' to others, or if they just came up as pop ups when you're on a site like pornhub. When I was a teenager there was nothing like the kind of access that the internet gives everyone now, and photos of a naked woman in a top shelf mag that you and your mates would randomly find in a bush are a million miles away from the hardcore videos of woman being shagged up the bum by two men at a time that seem to be 'the in thing' on pornhub. So what now? Do we say nothing, or should we have a matter of fact type chat with him along the lines of "We get that you're growing up and know you probably know this, but: women don't all look like that; it's not a realistic portrayal of what most people do in bed; behaving aggressively isn't okay unless it's something you've agreed together and you have safe words". And talk to him about the messaging sites too, remind him of the conversations we've had before about people not necessarily being what they may appear to be online, don't give anyone your personal real life info, don't swap photos or videos of yourself doing anything private because you don't know what they might do with them. Or should we be letting him have his tablet in his room so he does have some access to stuff that turns him on, or buy him some of those magazines for 'private' use?!? I'm confused and don't want to do anything that will mess him up (although obviously as his parent that is my job, which I'm sure I'm doing wonderfully).

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 28/10/2017 08:27

I agree with tygr.

The conversation needs to happen but I don’t think you need to be unduly concerned. This is pretty normal for a 14 year old.

I also don’t think the porn he is watching is going to damage him for eternity. Most people can distinguish fantasy from reality.

Trafalgarxxx · 28/10/2017 08:35

cheeto of you haven't seen any films with a woman with pensises up her bum then you havent looked very far. There are plenty of those on porn hub.

The issue with porn compared to unfocused images is that it leaves little to the imagination.
And actually if you look more carefully at the women faces, you will see that a hell of a lot of them are disgusted, uncomfortable and really don't want to be there. There is never any enjouement at all.
E.g. A film on a woman having anal sex for the first time, crying her eyes out.
Is it really what anyone would want to promote to a teen?
Is that ever a realistic representation of what sex is?
And do we really want teens to learn that this is what sex is about? No pleasure fir the woman, actually pain is ok, all about the guy and his pleasure?

You can have all sorts of type of sex wo the level of disrespect towards women shown on those films.

Trafalgarxxx · 28/10/2017 08:43

Re porn just being a fantasy

I remember a thread where a poster was at loss at her new bf behaviour in bed. He never got close to her, leaving a space between his and her body in the way you can see in porn films (so you can have a better view of what's going on).
Plenty of others have also found that some men exiected some acts as normal, not even thinking they should talk about it. They clearly thought it was so mainstream that there was no need. Except it isn't.
All of these men were regular porn users (probably from being a teen)

So yay porn has no influence at all on men behaviour. It's all a fantasy disconnected from reality. NOT.

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese · 28/10/2017 13:39

Okay, came back today and lots more comments! A few points I need to make. By soft focus porn I didn't specifically mean out of focus, I just meant the less explicit 'red shoe diaries' (anyone ever watch that?) type thing that have a vague storyline as opposed to press play and see p entering v (or whatever!). Obviously I should have sorted out the broadband settings, I accept that, but tablets have only ever been in the living room, where others are around. The reason he had it in his bedroom was because he'd crept downstairs and got it (after he'd gone to bed) when DH and I were in the kitchen. And yes, I should have been more aware, and now I am. Other times I've been told (on here) that I'm much too strict only allowing him to have it downstairs, so there's no pleasing everyone! But he goes to friends houses and while he doesn't have a smart phone most of his friends do, so I'm concentrating on how to give him the info so he doesn't choose to watch, or at least is a bit more discerning about his choices, accessing written erotica instead perhaps. When I was in school sex ed was literally the biology, which included facts about different methods of contraception, with no discussion of consent or healthy relationships or anything like that. They do cover a much wider range of things now in PSHE, and we do discuss it at home when appropriate in general conversation, when there are relevant stories on the news for example, and he's always (apparently) understood and commented appropriately, but my worries were that given the breadth of the types of porn available online, this particular video was what he chose to view. Obviously I don't know what else he's seen, but I don't like the idea that this is what turns him on. Not because I imagine him as an innocent little child, but because I have my own opinions about the ways in which these videos are made, as well as wanting him to see sex as an enjoyable (for all concerned) natural part of a healthy relationship, not as something that he, as a man, does to a woman, with her enjoyment/preferences being irrelevant.

OP posts:
wrenika · 28/10/2017 14:59

What gets me is the implication that porn is a man's thing - for men, by men, abuse women, blah, blah. Yes, of course there is abuse in porn just like there is clearly abuse in acting! But equally, people are making a decision to perform in porn - so who are we to tell them they are wrong/shouldn't.

I was one of the teens being described, who accesses porn before ever having a sexual relationship. I accessed porn sometime around the age of 13-ish, and didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18. It didn't warp me. I didn't come away with terrible ideas of what sex is. It doesn't work like that! It's not a bad thing to watch porn, and I loathe this holier than thou attitude that nobody should and of course it's all dirty men watching it. I think that opinion comes from a fear and lack of understanding. It's easy to make responsible choices in porn consumption.

RoderickRules · 28/10/2017 15:15

wrenike

Your sample is one, your own experience, which is not anywhere near a reasonable indicator if the impact of exposure to porn on young people.

Wrenike says she's ok means nothing, except to you.
HTH!

SmileEachDay · 28/10/2017 21:13

wren that’s great, for you.

It’s not worked out so well for the groups of teens I’ve worked with for the last few years, specifically on this issue.

Please don’t dismiss the idea out of hand that it can be very damaging.

Voice0fReason · 28/10/2017 22:20

HeebieJeebies456 all of the blocks, filters and restrictions in the world won't stop a teenager from seeing porn.
I'm not saying don't use them, they do play a part, but they aren't the solution.

Have a conversation about the reality of porn. It is important to talk about it so they know this isn't a realistic portrayal of how people have sex.

We’ve got all porn sites blocked via virgin.
That won't block all porn, it will filter out some of the bigger sites, nothing more. There is still an abundance or porn that will be easily available.

DJBaggySmalls · 28/10/2017 22:23

Ideally your DH needs to talk to him. Your DC needs a male role model in this.

cmt1375 · 28/10/2017 22:34

This short film is really good at explaining the differences between porn sex and real sex and might be a good start to the conversation it is really well done and has no dodgy pictures at all.

bonbonours · 28/10/2017 22:37

While I would be pretty unhappy about a child that age watching porn, I do think those who think you can prevent it entirely are naive. Kids these days have phones with them all the time so even if they can't get it at home they will see it other places if they want to (and probably even if they don't want to due to other kids)

Also it is perfectly normal for teenagers to be curious about sex and want to see what it's all about. In the same way that when I was a teenager I read More magazine and boys were probably sneaking a look at soft porn mags. The difference is how much is now available to them. But I think you have to be careful if you go down the route of banning them from looking at stuff because it starts down the route of implying that sex and masturbation is dirty/wrong/disgusting which is not something I would ever want to be implying to my kids.

As said by various others, I think much more important is being open about it and talking about real sex and how different it is from porn.

RicottaPancakes · 28/10/2017 23:00

No, that's definitely not normal in Sweden!

fridgepants · 28/10/2017 23:25

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