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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to panic that my 14 yo son is watching hard-core porn?

88 replies

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese · 27/10/2017 18:46

Not a complicated one, but just want to know how others have dealt with this, and name changed because reasons. Noticed that his tablet was where it was meant to be (charging) after he'd gone to bed. DH checked if the Google account was active, which it was, so knocked on his bedroom door and asked him to bring it downstairs. After DS had handed it over and gone back to his room OH told me sites he'd accessed included pornhub and others, including lots of message 'find sexy women to fuck near you right now' type sites. I completely get the whole teen curiosity/wank material side of it, but what he was watching wasn't channel five soft focus stuff, it was properly graphic - and of course because of the way so much of the porno industry works, this includes aggression and demeaning language, as well as all the typical boob jobs and less common (?) sex acts that I don't want him to think is what women all look like or want to do. I'm genuinely a bit panicked because I didn't think he was that interested (I know, I know, completely naive of me, obviously!). The message type sites worry me too - I don't know whether he's actually used them to 'talk' to others, or if they just came up as pop ups when you're on a site like pornhub. When I was a teenager there was nothing like the kind of access that the internet gives everyone now, and photos of a naked woman in a top shelf mag that you and your mates would randomly find in a bush are a million miles away from the hardcore videos of woman being shagged up the bum by two men at a time that seem to be 'the in thing' on pornhub. So what now? Do we say nothing, or should we have a matter of fact type chat with him along the lines of "We get that you're growing up and know you probably know this, but: women don't all look like that; it's not a realistic portrayal of what most people do in bed; behaving aggressively isn't okay unless it's something you've agreed together and you have safe words". And talk to him about the messaging sites too, remind him of the conversations we've had before about people not necessarily being what they may appear to be online, don't give anyone your personal real life info, don't swap photos or videos of yourself doing anything private because you don't know what they might do with them. Or should we be letting him have his tablet in his room so he does have some access to stuff that turns him on, or buy him some of those magazines for 'private' use?!? I'm confused and don't want to do anything that will mess him up (although obviously as his parent that is my job, which I'm sure I'm doing wonderfully).

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 27/10/2017 19:28

I think your DH should talk to him, man to man, and explain that relationships aren’t like porn movies and he would be so disappointed/ ashamed if his son would treat a girl/woman like a piece of meat.

Then take tablet away for a set amount of time and only give it back with an agreement that none of those sites will be visited again, and DH will be checking it to make sure.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 27/10/2017 19:32

Could you try and bring what he’s seen into a real-world setting for him to evaluate for himself? I know it seems harsh but you could describe what constitutes a normal relationship (respect, mutual pleasure) and then ask him to compare to the porn and ask how he’d feel if you were treated like that. May be shock tactics but may also put it into context of someone he loves.

Bombardier25966 · 27/10/2017 19:33

Boys that watch too much porn will soon be unable to achieve a hardon, as they become completely unable to be aroused by normal girls.

Utter rubbish! OP please don't go feeding your son myths, it's no better than telling a female she shouldn't wash her hair during her period.

If you block access to porn he'll actively seek out a way to watch it. Forbidden fruit and all that. You already have a brilliant relationship with your son and you've always been open with him, have a talk with him as you've planned and leave it be.

RavingRoo · 27/10/2017 19:39

He’s 14. Restricting or taking away his internet access for doing something natural isn’t the right thing, unless he was accessing violent porn. You need to talk to him, let him open up about what he’s seen, for all you know he might be practicing for a real life girlfriend.

wrenika · 27/10/2017 19:39

Honestly, if he's just using pornhub then I'd leave him be - it's about the most vanilla of porn sites ever. He's a teenage boy. I remember accessing far worse than pornhub at his age (pre-parental controls! woop woop) and it's not left me mentally scarred! The chat things are just pop-ups, nothing more, they are just a pain in the butt. Pornhub is a pretty safe go-to site for 'soft' hardcore porn. There's nothing all that weird on pornhub. If you want anything interesting you have to go further afield.
If I were you, I'd give him his tablet back, don't humiliate him with a 'talk' - if he's been raised a decent kid otherwise, he's not going to think he can do terrible things to women - if you want, maybe remind him about safe 'chat' ie: no chat!, but those are probably purely popups because you do get them every ten seconds!

MeadowHay · 27/10/2017 19:40

I'm not a mum yet but I'm one of the ahem, younger users of Mumsnet and I just want to pop in and say that some PPs do not seem to realise how common this, sadly. I'm not trying to say that makes it ok but I do think it's important to have perspective and a balanced and fair approach to it but realistically different parents are going to deal with this in different ways. I'm just pregnant now and the first of my social circle to be so, but one day many of my peers will have children (and indeed some of them do, those that did so very young), and they will have to tackle these problems, the dads knowing that they regularly accessed pornography online from the age of 11 in many cases, often viewing things that were demeaning or exploitative of women, and I'm curious to know how my generation will tackle these problems after we've been through it ourself first-hand, and whether it will be different from you lot who have not been raised where that was normal. Just musing really. It's a tricky issue. I think you have some good ideas in terms of talking to DS about it, keep the channels of communication open. I'm not sure whether changing the internet-settings to ban access to those kinds of websites is the way forward or not to be honest. They're really not difficult to get around using proxy servers (which are very dangerous - often carry malware), not at all difficult for an average 14 year old to do, and if you're going to acknowledge that you don't have a problem with him accessing pornography per se, only the type that is violent etc, I'm not sure how banning him access to any kind of pornography sits with that message, they're conflicting messages. Obviously if you're going to say that pornography is prima facie wrong and exploitative of women then fine blocking the websites at least is coherent, or the same if you're going to say 'it's ok but only for 18+' though I can't imagine a 14 year old would really agree with that message as many children your sons age have already engaged in various sexual exploration themselves. It's a difficult one.

nosotros · 27/10/2017 19:40

Restricting the internet will only go so far, he needs to decide that it isn't good for him, and protect himself.

I agree with this. Also another thing I think is that at 14, restricting does have its limits. He could watch it on his mate's phones, watch it while at his mate's house, he could use VPN/proxy sites/a certain browser, use a Google translate proxy even etc.

Stopping has to come from him wanting to do so.

gluteustothemaximus · 27/10/2017 19:42

We’ve got all porn sites blocked via virgin. The adults in this house don’t want to access it either. Degrading to women, amongst many other things.

And it’s not a myth bombardier, there is extensive research on how porn affects the brain and sexual stimulation.

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese · 27/10/2017 19:45

Thalia - I was genuinely not sure if IWBU to feel panic-y, and not sure what restrictions/consequences would be considered reasonable, and not sure how to move to another section - apologies for the breach of etiquette.
Little bird - not sure how 'regular' his use is - tablet is only usually downstairs, and looking on his history his access has been sporadic - before yesterday the most recent access was 1st Oct, before that 7th Sept, so not very frequent. I agree about him needing to have that realisation, I'm just not sure how best to get him there!
Karlos - I am worried about the normalisation of this kind of thing - I'm not sure how to allow him access to 'normal' naked women and keep him away from the nasty stuff! I'm hoping that an open discussion will give him the background to make that choice himself, as that's the only way I can see it will work.
Haggisfish - I like the suggestion of written word stuff - a bit more brain work required that way! Reassuring that he's not necessarily an outlier - though those stats are worrying in themselves of course...

OP posts:
Trafalgarxxx · 27/10/2017 19:48

You need to set up your internet so he can't have access to porn sites.
Yes it won't stop him from accessing it from other places but it will make it harder (which also means not the normal thing to watch just before going to bed type of things).

And I would talk. Not about porn and how it's not good and we know you've gone to porn hub.
But by seizing any opportunity it's to have a normal chat about boundaries, pron, women, respect etc...
I also think that some explanation of what porn is worth it. As in how do they treat women, whose pleasure it is directed to (the men, there is never anything about women and no women do not all get an orgasm from PIV) etc... (if I'm not mistaken, it is part of the curriculum I some secondary anyway) as well as the real fact that these women often are in effect abused, only do that because they are vulnerable/on drugs etc....
In effect you need to teach him to be able to be critical about those films rather than just aroused and finding them 'normal'.

tygr · 27/10/2017 19:48

Hmm at some of the attitudes to porn on this thread. I’m a woman who enjoys watching consensual bdsm porn. I started with things like Eurotrash and weird late night Channel 4 shows at your son’s age (pre-internet).

Yes, he needs to be taught about consent and not to assume that that’s what sex has to be like all the time but I would’ve been mortified if my parents had sat me down for a chat about vanilla versus kinky sex at his age!! Or bought me magazines!! ShockConfusedBlush

You sound like a good parent. I’m sure you’ll get the tone right.

ThaliaLuxurySpa · 27/10/2017 19:54

OP,

Not a "breach of etiquette", just was thinking you'd be likely to find others in a similar predicament with teens there.

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese · 27/10/2017 19:56

Really good points there Trafalgar - hopefully some of the background might impact his attitude towards watching, because I think that's the bit that really needs perspective.
Tygr - I remember Eurotrash!

OP posts:
ThatWasNotLove · 27/10/2017 19:57

My friend found her similarly aged DD had been watching hardcore porn.

She spoke to her DD about it in a factual, non shaming way, then directed her to other places that have more positive images.

One was The Great Wall of Vagina which is an exhibition of plaster of Paris vulvas. To show that “normal” is way more varied than porn.

Another was a site I don’t remember the name of but it had sex in an educational way, performed by regular people volunteering. I heard about it on Woman’s Hour once but forgot the name! The idea behind it is to counter the impact of porn for young people.

She basically took the “sex is normal, your body is normal, double anal-fisting isn’t where you need to start and this is what consent actually looks like” approach.

Another option to totally put him off it is to tell him that any porn he watches he should reimagine you and his dad doing. Wink (totally kidding in case it’s not clear).

Trafalgarxxx · 27/10/2017 19:58

Actually tygr I'm more confortable about bdsm porn than 'normal' porn on porn hub for example.

In the first case, there is a feeling of it being much more consensual than in the second, despite what could be seen as more 'extreme'...

As for talking about sex withmy teens. Tough if they feel uncomfortable. I'd rather then be feeling uncomfortable but hearing some truths about porn and sex from me than only having hearsay and their friends as a reference in the subject.
Sex is just that sex. I can't see why it should be so taboo that a parent should never talk about it to their dcs.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/10/2017 19:59

We get that you're growing up and know you probably know this, but: women don't all look like that; it's not a realistic portrayal of what most people do in bed; behaving aggressively isn't okay unless it's something you've agreed together and you have safe words

Beautifully put . An embarrassing mum and dad sex chat is needed ! God I have this all to Come Sad

ThatWasNotLove · 27/10/2017 20:00

Just to add, friend limited access to internet alone and put controls on but knew her DD would find a way around if she wanted to. The point of the other sites was to ADD to the images and ideas she was picking up. It’s no good to say “that’s not how it happens” when the hardcore images are the only ones they have in their heads. So when she hears that it can be different, she has an idea of what that actually looks like, from the same source (internet).

ILoveMillhousesDad · 27/10/2017 20:04

hmm at some of the attitudes to porn on this thread. I’m a woman who enjoys watching consensual bdsm porn. I started with things like Eurotrash and weird late

Well bully for you, but what the hell has this got to do with the OP encouraging her son to form healthy relationships with and towards women?

Haggisfish · 27/10/2017 20:09

Sex chat shouldn't be embarrassing! This country is so inhibited. I wish we were like Sweden -on the programme with a Swedish teacher a girl asked her dad what sperm looked like so he went upstairs and produced some for her!

Caprinihahahaha · 27/10/2017 20:10

It's actually easy to talk to your children about sex and relationships if you don't stick that subject in a corner and ignore it.

Watching films and tv together often starts conversations and the more you talk about it the less embarrassing it gets .
DD and I watched 13 reasons why and that had some great moments that naturally led into really useful conversations.

OkPedro · 27/10/2017 20:11

I love the advice for the op to let her son crack on with watching porn.. sure it's harmless 🙄

Dahlietta · 27/10/2017 20:25

I wish we were like Sweden -on the programme with a Swedish teacher a girl asked her dad what sperm looked like so he went upstairs and produced some for her!

Lordy, I don't! I've never really understood what's wrong with being uptight...!

RefuseTheLies · 27/10/2017 20:25

-on the programme with a Swedish teacher a girl asked her dad what sperm looked like so he went upstairs and produced some for her!

What...?

Rank.

Caprinihahahaha · 27/10/2017 20:28

Good lord.

I'm in favour of open frank discussions but getting DH to go and whack off for some completely googalable question..,

I'd be pretty Hmm

There's openness and then there is bizarre , didn't anyone have access to a search engine?

Haggisfish · 27/10/2017 20:28

Why should it be rank though?