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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to panic that my 14 yo son is watching hard-core porn?

88 replies

SecondMouseGetsTheCheese · 27/10/2017 18:46

Not a complicated one, but just want to know how others have dealt with this, and name changed because reasons. Noticed that his tablet was where it was meant to be (charging) after he'd gone to bed. DH checked if the Google account was active, which it was, so knocked on his bedroom door and asked him to bring it downstairs. After DS had handed it over and gone back to his room OH told me sites he'd accessed included pornhub and others, including lots of message 'find sexy women to fuck near you right now' type sites. I completely get the whole teen curiosity/wank material side of it, but what he was watching wasn't channel five soft focus stuff, it was properly graphic - and of course because of the way so much of the porno industry works, this includes aggression and demeaning language, as well as all the typical boob jobs and less common (?) sex acts that I don't want him to think is what women all look like or want to do. I'm genuinely a bit panicked because I didn't think he was that interested (I know, I know, completely naive of me, obviously!). The message type sites worry me too - I don't know whether he's actually used them to 'talk' to others, or if they just came up as pop ups when you're on a site like pornhub. When I was a teenager there was nothing like the kind of access that the internet gives everyone now, and photos of a naked woman in a top shelf mag that you and your mates would randomly find in a bush are a million miles away from the hardcore videos of woman being shagged up the bum by two men at a time that seem to be 'the in thing' on pornhub. So what now? Do we say nothing, or should we have a matter of fact type chat with him along the lines of "We get that you're growing up and know you probably know this, but: women don't all look like that; it's not a realistic portrayal of what most people do in bed; behaving aggressively isn't okay unless it's something you've agreed together and you have safe words". And talk to him about the messaging sites too, remind him of the conversations we've had before about people not necessarily being what they may appear to be online, don't give anyone your personal real life info, don't swap photos or videos of yourself doing anything private because you don't know what they might do with them. Or should we be letting him have his tablet in his room so he does have some access to stuff that turns him on, or buy him some of those magazines for 'private' use?!? I'm confused and don't want to do anything that will mess him up (although obviously as his parent that is my job, which I'm sure I'm doing wonderfully).

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 27/10/2017 20:32

Why should it be rank though?

I refuse to accept that there's anything desirable about looking at a receptacle of your own father's still warm sperm, which he produced specially just for you, and not thinking that it's rank.

Caprinihahahaha · 27/10/2017 20:34

It's quite the leap though

DD : what does speak look like
Mother : lets google it, get your pho....
Dad ; out of my way - I shall run upstairs and crack one off in mere moments!

tygr · 27/10/2017 20:48

Milhouse

I was disagreeing with the blanket statements that all porn is misogynistic/ wrong/ exploiting women etc. etc by saying that I am a woman who watches and enjoys it and it doesn’t make me misogynistic, violent towards women or lacking knowledge about consent. Then I went on to say that I started watching it at a similar age to the OPs some and yet I still wasn’t damaged or permanently screwed up over it.

I was saying that it’s ok to chill out a bit and offering an alternative point of view to some on the thread.

tygr · 27/10/2017 20:49

*son not some

Northernparent68 · 27/10/2017 20:53

Bombardier is right, there is no reliable evidence Porn causes impotence, it’s an urban myth.if it did impotence rates would be universal.

As for the line it gives unrealistic expectations of sex, that misses the point, porn is a fantasy, no one believes it represents reality.

Haggisfish · 27/10/2017 20:59

Northern I completely disagree with your point that everyone agrees it represents fantasy! How can teenagers think it represents 'fantasy' when they don't even know what 'normal' sex is?!Confused

Mamabear4180 · 27/10/2017 21:06

I wish we were like Sweden -on the programme with a Swedish teacher a girl asked her dad what sperm looked like so he went upstairs and produced some for her!

Anyone who thinks this is a good idea needs their head examined and reset sharpish. It's bordering on abuse and is absolutely cringeworthy and disgusting. The poor kid.

Mamabear4180 · 27/10/2017 21:09

OP ideally you would have had the porn talk before allowing your DS an ipad in his bedroom at 14 years old but if you haven't then now is as good a time as any.

User462892925 · 27/10/2017 21:10

Boys have been accessing porn since it was invented. Other than have a chat about what is normal etc then I doubt very much he will take any notice anyway.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 27/10/2017 21:11

People like tygr are the problem. She wants her pathetic kicks - to hell with what this social experiment is doing to children, or other women.
Selfish, blinkered, stupid and irresponsible.

Doomhutch · 27/10/2017 21:12

no one believes it represents reality

...no one? Not even kids who've never had sex, or been told about it as anything other than baby-production?

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 27/10/2017 21:15

This myth that people’s beliefs, attitudes and behaviour aren’t influenced by what they watch - one wonders what goebbels and Riefenstahl were wasting their time with then.
Evil as they were, they knew the power of propaganda to dehumanise a group and open the way for hideous abuses. But we think we’re smarter. We aren’t.

SpotAGuillemot · 27/10/2017 21:21

haggis you can't genuinely think that it's a better situation to have a dad running upstairs to have a wank and then showing his teenage daughter his warm, freshly spunked spunk can you?

Yes, Brits probably should be a bit more comfortable discussing sex. But your example is so inappropriate and grim.

SmileEachDay · 27/10/2017 21:24

no one believes it represents reality.

Except the teenagers who access hardcore porn before they’ve had any sexual relationship. Except the teens who believe blowjobs can come before kissing. Except the teenagers who believe sex is done to women, because that’s how the majority of mainstream porn looks?

And as for Pornhub being “mild” - it has videos of “forced sex on public transport”, videos titled “teen slut forced to fuck” etc Terrible, Terrible messages about consent - for teens who have not yet explored consensual relationships.

It’s a massive problem: those of you saying it’s not are wrong.

boomitscountginula · 27/10/2017 21:27

I would deffo just talk to him.

Porn Hun has lots of soft porn as well as some horrible stuff too, and as it's free, you get the pop ups that are the same domains you are describing.

I stream loads of stuff online and I even get the "find a hot sexy girl to fuck" pop ups, when I am trying to watch the kardashians or bobs burgers.

Don't be too hard on him

SpotAGuillemot · 27/10/2017 21:29

I lost my virginity to a porn obsessed boy when I was 15. He was a virgin too. It was absolutely fucking awful and very definitely done 'to' me rather than me being an active participant. This was 14 years ago when internet porn was nothing like it is now. I have no doubts at all that he was doing sex like he thought it should be done. We had a relationship for several years and he/ learnt how to have sex in a normal, enjoyable fashion. Kids have to learn that porn is not reality.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 27/10/2017 21:32

1 - have a brief chat but remember it will be the most mortifying moment of his entire life

2 - get the settings sorted

3 - take it off him for a few days for taking it up to his room.

Relax. If he’s nice otherwise this is just one of those things.

Oh and the Swedish dad creating sperm for ad hoc biology lesson is repulsive. What’s next, showing a hard on? Mum and dad going at it while the kids stand round and watch? Ffs.

randomer · 27/10/2017 21:38

You can't unwatch something

tygr · 27/10/2017 22:08

Thanks KKK

All my love to you too.

Neverender · 27/10/2017 22:24

Sort out your settings or he could see all sorts. Not just porn - beheadings etc.. what would make you not do this before now?!?? Do you have any idea what is available on the internet?

RoderickRules · 27/10/2017 22:24

Tygr- you are an accessory/driver of exploitation of women with your consumption of porn.

HeebieJeebies456 · 28/10/2017 05:10

as the real fact that these women often are in effect abused, only do that because they are vulnerable/on drugs
What a massive assumption!

I'm not sure how to allow him access to 'normal' naked women
Direct him towards watching Love Island - softporn galore!

Tygr- you are an accessory/driver of exploitation of women with your consumption of porn
I disagree with your assertion.
Shame the self-righteous brigade don't get all self-righteous over actors/singers/celebs showing nudity/sex in films and on tv and allowing their dc to mimic them/their lifestyles........

cheetoLover · 28/10/2017 05:31

"woman being shagged up the bum by two men at a time that seem to be 'the in thing' on pornhub"

I just had a look at the first 10 pages of pornhub. Honestly, the first time I've been on that site. Nothing of the sort was there.

"[there were] less common sex acts that I don't want him to think is what women all look like or want to do"

So you're going to tell him that all women love having penises stuck in their vaginas but some may not like it in the bum?

What is the difference between out of focus porn and close up porn?

You seem to have quite arbitrary ideas as to what is okay and what isn't. You need to reason through these before you can approach your son.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 28/10/2017 08:08

HeebieJeebies, if you’re equating nudity with the abuse and degradation of women in porn, you need help.

sharklovers · 28/10/2017 08:19

When I was a 14 year old boy there was no internet, however we all found ways of getting hold of hard core porn. Usually it came in the form of VHS tapes being passed round at school. It’s not a new thing and is totally normal.