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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a friend not to allow her dd to behave like a complete unruly spoilt brat in my house

93 replies

thethirdwisemonkey · 13/04/2007 15:46

Met someone a while ago who I really hit it off with. She has two children a baby and a 2.6 year old. Anyhow we met up at their house a while ago and 2.6 yr old wouldn't share toys was pretty mean to ds etc, but I thought maybe it was an off day. They came to ours today, first of all she played with all of ds toys but screamed if he touched a teddy she brought with her. She also gave ds a crafty smack a couple of times.
Her mum had the cheek to say oh you can tell she's used to the rough and tumble of nursery and your ds isn't. So I pointed out he's a fairly easy going, happy little chap and didn't feel the need to fight usually. Eventually he'd had enough and took a swipe back and she started screaming and pointing at ds. Must admit I said well I thoght she was used to the rough and tumble of life etc etc
On the way out her mum said we must do it again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Am I being unreasonable to expect her mum to pick her up on her behaviour??
Don't think I'll be repeating the experience tbh.

OP posts:

elasticbandstand · 13/04/2007 19:36

twentypence · 13/04/2007 19:46

As ds's playmate got in our car yesterday, ds's first words to him were "don't poke me in the eye again". (which he did in the car on the way to ds's birthday party and we had forgotten about but not ds it seems.)

Playmates mum said "Oh, he would never poke someone in the eye".

Ds and mate played okay together for 30 mins and then it all went wrong. Other boy can obviously wreck anything his brother is playing with and then has to say sorry and give him a cuddle. It may work with a baby, but after 10 minutes of watching him go around moving, tipping or otherwise messing with whatever ds was playing with, but then saying sorry and hugging him, ds had enough and told him in no uncertain terms that he had had enough hugs now and could he stop wrecking his stuff.

Playmate couldn't understand what the problem was (reasonable as his brother probably wouldn't mind at his age). Ds couldn't understand why he was being so mean. I took him home an hour early.

His first words to mum "xxx kept saying no and he cried a lot". The penny may drop when we are suddenly very busy from now on, but I doubt it.

nzshar · 13/04/2007 19:59

thethirdwisemonkey after reading the whole thread and seeing how upset you had become I almost decided to not reply but felt that perhaps I have some advice to offer (or not)
I too have only the 1 ds (2.10) and due to a medical condition cannot have anymore. I have a group of friends that I originally meet through parent and toddler groups over a year ago, altogether there are 6 families with 9 children between 2.9 and 3.10(2 sets of twins)My ds is the smallest in stature and the quietest and tends to get in above his head with the playfighting often so know how gut wrenching it can be when you see your little one hurt. The one thing I found was that from the outset I made sure that the child doing the hitting and the parent of the child knew I wasnt happy about it. By this I dont mean I was confrontational but spoke to the child myself in front of the parent saying something along the lines of "xxx please dont hit/throw/kick etc" so this way it was known straight away what I found to be acceptable towards my own child.Having said that now they are all a little older we do tend to step back and allow them to sought themselves out unless blood is drawn And ds now has a mouth on him and tends to scream in their faces so they leave him alone

But I do say having a large group of friends with children all of similar age has taught me a great amount of tolerance towards other parenting styles. Just let the rules be known fast in regards to your expectations of your own childs treatment.
HTH

Londonmamma · 13/04/2007 20:05

Your house, your son, why are you scared to say something to a child behaving in a way you don't like? I've done it to other children, other parents have certainly done it to mine.
Otherwise these situations can be so tense. It can be GOOD for children to have adults help them with their behaviour, it doesn't always have to be the parent who does it!

If it happens again, move your son out of the way for a moment, look intently at the other child and say 'please do not do that again' and comfort your boy. The other child will run to her mum for a cuddle, then in a couple of minutes they start playing again. Don't lose a potential friend through trying to be 'nice' and not intervene when her child is out of order. ESPECIALLY if she has another baby to deal with !!

Londonmamma · 13/04/2007 20:07

Oh dear, loads happened on here before I posted
mine - didn't mean to add fuel to the fire!!!

twentypence · 13/04/2007 20:12

Having read the rest of the thread including the only child bit - ds is an only child at 4, and when we took his mate back, one of his mum's platitudes to some completely normal 4 year old behaviour was that my ds was obviously not going to be as good at sharing his toys being an only child (said to her son).

Yeah, right whatever. I have used the example of his little brother, so I guess we are about even.

It will get better as he gets older and can speak for himself.

crumpet · 13/04/2007 20:32

But anyway, wasn't the OP less about the behaviour of the child, but more about the mother's reaction to the child's behaviour?

Yes it was normal toddler behaviour, but as someone said, without being too heavy handed you do have to start teaching appropriate beaviour from early on.

crumpet · 13/04/2007 20:33

ah, see there are other similar posts...

frances5 · 13/04/2007 20:34

I have read the thread and I think you are being unreasonable. The little girl is only two and is also having to adapt to sharing her mummy with a new baby.

The terrible twos are not called the terrible twos for nothing.

Your turn will come. Boys tend to go through the terrible twos later than girls. Also only children often have problems sharing. Before you lynch me I only have one child who is five years old.

Manictigger · 13/04/2007 20:40

Yeah, what exactly was the relevance of the child being an only child (sorry, can't face reading the thread all over again)? Are parents of only children supposed to be more uptight or parents with 2 or more slapdash about discipline? I genuinely struggle to understand this when surely the issue is how the other mother responded to her child hitting another child. What has that got to do with how many children you have? And I'd have a bit of an issue with any nursery who considered a child whacking another one as 'rough and tumble'.

But hey I guess we all parent differently.

(from an 'uptight' mother of an only child)

rantinghousewife · 13/04/2007 20:56

Not really a lot else to say that hasn't been said, sorry you're upset tho'. What I would add tho is to stick with it, I'd keep seeing this woman, if you like her. A very dear friend of mine has a lovely dd and when they were this age, she would sometimes be aggressive to my dd (she's fairly spirited) who's much meeker. But we stuck with it, kept meeting up in the hope that they would eventually play nicely and now they're 4 1/2 they do, they absolutely adore each other. And I do think it's been beneficial, her dd has learnt it's not ok to hit, bite etc and my dd has learnt how to stick up for herself and not be a pushover which is good preparation for the big wide world. As someone else said 2 year olds don't really play nicely anyway. Hope your feeling better soon.

frances5 · 13/04/2007 20:57

Having two children is more work. People with two children have to look after BOTH children. Imagine having to look after a jelous two year old as well as a young baby. Two year olds often regress as they want to be the baby getting all the attention from family and friends. To make matters worst you have broken nights from both children.

Mothers with more than one child have to share their time between two children. A very tired mother might easily miss seeing their two year old being badly behaved. Unlike an only child you cannot exclusively focus on the needs of one child.

Aloha · 13/04/2007 20:57

One is great. But two is different.

cheekymonk · 13/04/2007 21:01

I hope you are ok thethirdwisemonkey. It is hard sometimes when people disagree/criticise you when you feel your intentions are good/honourable.
Being a parent is so tough, and you know in your heart that you only intend the best for your child like us all.
I find being with other mums/children can be difficult in terms of expectations of behaviour.
A toddler's behaviour can be shocking and if you are not comfortable with it, then that is your right to say or feel so. I don't think you were being superior or smug.
We all have alot to learn, noone knows it all so lets give each other some slack xx

powder28 · 13/04/2007 21:49

My niece was like this for a long time with my ds1. She was older than him, then she just seemed to grow out of it and there were more hugs than pushes!
Ds1 was terrible with ds2 when he was younger but now he seems to have accepted ds2 and looks after him.
Just an age thing, and dont forget, they aren't doing these things to be naughty.

Kaz33 · 14/04/2007 10:05

My neighbour has a very strange relationship with her 4 year old daughter, to the extent that her DD doesn't really play with other kids when her mum is around. I have been trying to be a good neighbour and invited them round to play with my active 4 year old DS2.

Last time my DS2 was playing up and throwing a few things - probably because he wasn't getting any attention but neighbours DD was getting loads.

Neighbour said in very loud and firm voice to DS2 - "I will be very angry if you throw anything at my daughter".

Ok, we won't be having them round to play again

JetPeanut · 14/04/2007 13:41

I think YABU. You have to be really careful about cutting yourself off from friends because of your diffrences in parenting approaches... we all do it differently, you'll end up pretty lonely. BTW, I have read the whole thread, and imo if you are offended by people disagreeing with you then you shouldn't post on here. Especially on the AIBU topic! I didn't see anyone "slagging you off", just giving their opinions - which you asked for, remember.

BlackCountryLass · 14/04/2007 21:41

Don't have much to say about the OP but I'm guessing that when people are saying they have read the whole thread they may have missed the thing that has upset TTWM - inadvertently, a comment about her LO being an only child has hit a raw nerve for TTWM as she is unable to have any more children. I think this is what has caused her distress, rather than people disagreeing with her OP. Looks as though there have been lots of crossed wires and unintended comments. Hope you are able to see past these TTWM and not feel got at, there is a lot of support available from MN when people realise that you're feeling vulnerable x

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