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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a friend not to allow her dd to behave like a complete unruly spoilt brat in my house

93 replies

thethirdwisemonkey · 13/04/2007 15:46

Met someone a while ago who I really hit it off with. She has two children a baby and a 2.6 year old. Anyhow we met up at their house a while ago and 2.6 yr old wouldn't share toys was pretty mean to ds etc, but I thought maybe it was an off day. They came to ours today, first of all she played with all of ds toys but screamed if he touched a teddy she brought with her. She also gave ds a crafty smack a couple of times.
Her mum had the cheek to say oh you can tell she's used to the rough and tumble of nursery and your ds isn't. So I pointed out he's a fairly easy going, happy little chap and didn't feel the need to fight usually. Eventually he'd had enough and took a swipe back and she started screaming and pointing at ds. Must admit I said well I thoght she was used to the rough and tumble of life etc etc
On the way out her mum said we must do it again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Am I being unreasonable to expect her mum to pick her up on her behaviour??
Don't think I'll be repeating the experience tbh.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 13/04/2007 16:23

not you apologise, but him...

but glad you did anyway. i don't think hitting is acceptable at that age either but they will not share if they are not taught how to. maybe intervene with her dd next time with some 'sharing' advice ('it's not nice to snatch...xxx had it first. he will share with you and let you play with it in a minute'...take it off your ds after a while and give it to her) and if the mum doesn't like you getting involved she can choose not to meet up again. she may appreciate the guidance, maybe it's not something she's thought of teaching.

Lact8 · 13/04/2007 16:24

Sorry but imo you are being unreasonable

I've had a friend not come back because of DS2's perfectly normal 2.5 year old behaviour. She did say at one point'Is he always like this?' Er 'Yes, he's a toddler'

Her dd was about 9 mths iirc and I did think 'Ha, just you wait'

I'd have no friends left if they all took offense at the behaviour of DS2.

I consider myself lucky that my group of mum friends have helped and supported me with dealing with DS2s full on behaviour even if it has meant their own DC taking the occasional whack around the head

PinkTulips · 13/04/2007 16:24

i think you beocme somewhat immune to it when you have a younger one as well as the toddler too.

dd spends all day alternating between hugging ds and slapping or pushing him and i tend to ignore it unless someone is crying as otherwise i'd spend all day kneeling on the floor trying to explain to her not to hit..... she simply doesn't understand!

juuule · 13/04/2007 16:24

And sometimes they fool you and it doesn't start until they are nearly 3 and you've been lulled into a false sense of security, thinking the little tantrums are it....and then the big ones really start

Original poster
thethirdwisemonkey · 13/04/2007 16:26

good idea MM, he didn't apologise as he can't really talk properly yet being 23 months however, he did offer her his toy which I guess is a sort of sorry gesture?

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 13/04/2007 16:26

lol juule.... every time i think dd has really and truely reached the heights of the terrible 2's, low and behold she gets worse!

Greenleeves · 13/04/2007 16:27

If you were expecting someone to ask whether he was an only child, thirdwisemonkey, then you must have some inkling of what I was getting at in asking

Seriously, if you don't relax your approach a bit, you are going to get a terrible shock when your child/subsequent children go through these perfectly normal behavioural stages.

hoolagirl · 13/04/2007 16:29

Yes, you will need twice as much hair dye to cover all the grey that kids behaviour brings

Greenleeves · 13/04/2007 16:30

Actually I think 10 minutes is pretty moderate for a shoes-related paddywack

Blu · 13/04/2007 16:30

I would have apologised, and intervened, too - but did she expect you to? if yes, then she was operating double standards, but if no, she just has a moe philosophical approach to typical 2 year-old behaviour.

Original poster
thethirdwisemonkey · 13/04/2007 16:31

I see what you mean about him being an only child. Won't be any subsequent children cos I'm infertile. I still don't think that means I should let him get battered but understand what you're all saying about the dynamics when children play together.
I have two sisters and we used to fight like cat and dog, hard to remember that though as it's so many years ago

OP posts:
Manictigger · 13/04/2007 16:32

Actually, TWM I'm probably being really naive here (got over a year to go before I'm at your stage) but I'm with you. If you agree that children hitting each other is a bad thing, surely you have to step in when you first see your child doing it. If not, at what age do you step in? It's not something they're going to just somehow absorb is it? I know children of that age can't understand logic or why something is wrong but you should still (imo) remove them physically from the situation so they can't carry on doing it. Ignoring it up to a certain age and then suddenly telling them it's wrong will surely only confuse a child? But like I say, haven't been there, done that, have only observed other people's experiences.

Original poster
thethirdwisemonkey · 13/04/2007 16:34

Thanks Manictigger, I always have stepped in early and it's not for any smug, i'm a fab mother reason. ds is very big for his age and tbh I wouldn't want him to hurt another child.

OP posts:
juuule · 13/04/2007 16:34

I'm not saying that you should let your ds get battered If you are uncomfortable with what is happening and the other parent doesn't look to be doing anything then step in yourself. Remove your ds from harm and try to distract them both. The other parent should then pick up on your discomfort and step in for their child if anything else occurs.

PinkTulips · 13/04/2007 16:35

there's a middle ground between getting upset about every little dispute and letting him get battered though!

Greenleeves · 13/04/2007 16:37

I am sorry for quipping about him being an only child, it wasn't meant unkindly.

I just meant that often with first/only children we sometimes have unrealistic expectations of behaviour/eating/potty training etc... it's possible to see parenting as more of a straightforward "I do this - he responds thus", cause-and-effect process than it really is. Children differ hugely even under similar conditions. Your friend's dd doesn't sound like the 2yo from hell to me. I do think you might have to reappraise your standards a bit when your ds is older.

Boco · 13/04/2007 16:40

Your post could have been written by a friend of mine about 2 years ago. She'd get very stressed at other toddlers behaviour, she'd spend alot of time separating them, removing toys, if her child was ever whacked she'd leave - it became pretty stressful hanging out with her as i got the impression she really didn't like other children.

A year later, her dd hit the negative spiral that is terrible twos - in a BIG way - and friend was mortified, and again, removed herself from any situation where her dd was being confrontational / difficult /agressive.

As a result, she has a pretty unsocialised 4 year old who is very confused about how to behave.

I think you could do with relaxing a bit - kids need to learn to negotiate and control their behaviour, adn they do that by experience. Hitting isn't acceptable, but they learn that by being taught - you ds is learning by that interaction too.

hoolagirl · 13/04/2007 16:40

If her lo hits again, just say loudly No Hitting (or whatever it is you say to your own). I certainly do this with kids around the same age as mine, and their parents do it to mine. Totally acceptable imo.

handlemecarefully · 13/04/2007 16:42

It is normal 2 yr old behaviour for many 2 year olds that's true (and was for both of mine at that age), but nevertheless I agree with you in that I would expect her mother to admonish her for failing to share / whacking her friend etc.

Original poster
thethirdwisemonkey · 13/04/2007 16:42

ooh blimey I wish I hadn't started now, I've just been crying in the kitchen about ds being an only one, erm, I'll get back to you. Thanks for your replies and help.

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 13/04/2007 16:43

Must say however she doesn't sound like a completely unruly spoilt brat

3andnomore · 13/04/2007 16:45

lol..the s enario discribe...well....we have that here on a daily basis...and that is just my Kids...lol....
I am not saying it's good to completely ignore...but then, I always had that "rule" with my freinds that we can say something to each others children, aswell...sometimes more effective, anyway...

Greenleeves · 13/04/2007 16:45

I'm very sorry I upset you with the only child remark. It really was meant as a friendly nudge, not a damning criticism, but obviously it was insensitive and thoughtless of me. I really do apologise .

niceglasses · 13/04/2007 16:45

sorry don't mean to gang up on you but sounds perfectly normal to me too - I've had much much worse from my three and their friends. Get the wine out and chill.

peggotty · 13/04/2007 16:45

My best friends ds and my dd play dreadfully together - he will attack her suddenly for no reason (usually if he is tired/hungry), and we can't let them out of our sight for one single second. It doesn't mean I won't see my friend, it just requires extra vigilance, although it can be tiring and annoying. I can see that it is just a phase with him, however, he is a ruffty-tufty sort of little boy iykwim, and has an older brother. I still love him to bits, and think it's just part and parcel of the horribleness of toddlers tbh. We're going on holiday with them in August for 2 weeks, and I'm really hoping they'll get on a bit better by then

If you really like the mum why don't you arrange to meet without the kids as well sometimes?