Ex Doesn't want to let DD take fave teddy to his house :(

[NancyPiecrust]

Just had an unnecessarily irritating handover with abusive, NPD controlling ex-partner - DD's Dad.

This is by far the tamest complaint I will ever have posted on Mumsnet about him..and things have gotten a lot better, but it's like he still finds any way he can to have some sort of control, power game or let a bit of his rage towards me leak out at handovers... Funnily enough though if anyone else is there during handover eg. my parents he is the nicest most charming, respectful person in the world!

DD is only just 3 and has a favourite teddy that she always sleeps with and asks for in the night if she can't find him.
Recently her Dad has been just taking him out of her hand and giving him back to me saying "We don't need this. I've got plenty of teddies at mine. Just one more thing to forget to bring back" (He's got this weird thing about the "special teddies" at his house - one of which was a childhood teddy that his Mum (also controlling, NPD, obsessive about DD) always plays with DD with & one rare antique one which he bought off the internet for £80 for her....

He only took one small bag with him with waterproofs, hat ...that's all he has to remember, plus the special teddy.

I know it's not really about him or her having to "remember" to bring the teddy back, this has happened many times. Always a small power struggle about the teddy every time that he sees she's clutching him and has chosen/asked to bring him with her. He then has the most annoyed face on when he hands the teddy to me as if he's sneering/seething with annoyance. She then cries and reaches for the teddy as he's literally just almost snatched it out of her hand without even asking her ....She says she wants the teddy & I say "She wants to take him" and his response: "Well, in future, distract her from it. She doesn't need it". I said "No, it's a transitional object. She wants to take him."

So then she sees us having mildly passive aggressive crossed words about her beloved teddy. WHY?! Why can't it just be simple & why can't he consider what SHE wants. She's there in the middle probably feeling guilty about wanting to take the teddy. And powerless when he just takes it off her (for no reason other than his own ego). What is my option to avoid the drama? Take the teddy and go "Ok." walk away. And she sees her Dad just commanding me what to do, overriding what she wants & what message does that send to her? I feel I have to stand up for what she wants, I've always taught her that it's not ok to snatch teddies out of other children's hands at playgroup but then her Dad does it to her? ????!! I try and teach her that we must respect others wishes etc. But he doesn't respect what she wants. Granted a 3 year old can't always get what she wants and I say no to her plenty eg. sweets, too much TV. But...this is harmless and a source of comfort for her. sad

It's like he's trying to deprive her of the one thing that reminds her of home, and her Mum when having overnights ? It's clearly not about HER but about him..and him trying to have ONE thing to control because I've shut down all other avenues of control that he's become used to using to manipulate me, upset me, undermine me etc.
I would never think about persuading her to not take a favorite teddy or something she is so attached to. There's no harm in it. It's not like he thinks she's too young to be attached to a teddy & wants to wean her off it, it's because he want her to be attached to HIS special teddy that he bought her. And resents her attachment to the one from my house.

She even likes to take this teddy to nursery sometimes...he stays in her bag on her peg the whole time I'm pretty sure but she likes the fact that he's there and has come with her. I feel annoyed that he'd even want to take that comfort away from her, just so he didn't have to entertain the "special teddy from Mummy's that reminds me of her".

ARRGGGG. It has really annoyed me and just wanted to rant and see if anyone knows how I should handle it. He's being very petty and selfish in my eyes & you could see how he loved telling me to take it back & seeing me squirm when I tried to "fight her corner" and say she should take him. And how annoyed he was when he gave it back to her, with a horrible fake smile on his face barely concealing his contempt for me - and the fact that I'm a free person from him now and he can't control my life anymore.
I am also annoyed that he had to make some little tiny drama in whatever way he could in the handover when all he had to do was take the bag, take her, and leave.

Another thing he always makes a point of doing is taking out her hair plaits or ponytail and clips that I have done (to keep her hair out of her face, and stop it from getting food in it) and always hands them back to me, in my hand, when he brings her back. Like he couldn't just put them in her little hairband/hairbrush case in her bag. It's like he makes a point of it. He does it every time. And every photo I see of her at his eg. I'm still close with his Dad so sometimes pics pop up on his social media of her, he has always taken out the hair bobbles and the plaits & clips and her hair is just down and in her face. She never asks the staff at nursery to take her hair stuff out, or me. When I asked her where did her plaits go, she said "Daddy says they're annoying, so he took them out".

GAH!

Just glad you made sense of my post haha

Try to avoid his power games as much as possible. Leave her hair loose when she goes to his (get it cut if it's unruly?) and try to help her lessen her attachment to one particular toy. It's a shame you even need to think about how to manage his cuntish behaviour, but it's a very common problem sadly.

I have one of these too. Unfortunately he cost me absolutely EVERYTHING I had before I met him but that's still not enough for him. My nugget of comfort to you, without wanting to wish the years away, but they do of course go quickly and my DD is now 8 years old, has her own phone so I never have to communicate with him and can make her own way to and from his car; so I don't have to be sneered at across the threshold every other weekend. He still cancels at short notice and messes her about but he gets no satisfaction of a reaction from me.
She too knows not to show emotion with him (doesn't cry if hurt, certainly wouldn't say she missed mummy), also knows not to bother asking not to go to bed so early or for any sort of treats; can see that he gets himself new cars, phones, tech, clothes all the time yet pleads poverty to her; clears her messages because she knows he will go through her phone when she is asleep etc.
It's really sad for her but I hope the silver lining will be that she has learned a wisdom early in life that I didn't learn until too late.

Does anyone remember the thread where daddy made a small child bin their teddy bear?

I do. He said the child was "too old" for a bear* (I think he was 7?) and binned it before his eyes. The boy was distraught.

*I still have mine - I am 64 and the bear is just a head with an empty body and only one eye (the other is a button), but I love him dearly.

I agree don't let teddy go there especially as you are going to be taking a huge chunk of power away from him when someone else does the handover.

The hair bobble pity thing is great maybe with some light admonishing from your mum like you are her father you will need to learn to do her hair sometime ffs

I think it's time to go back to a solicitor - get advice from WA. This prick is escalating again and needs putting firmly in his place, which may include non-mol orders and a regular schedule of contact. Remember that he cannot, in anyway, force you to deal with him: all communications can be handled through a third party and there will be absolutely fuck all he can do about that.

What a petty, manipulative, controlling man! I just shared this thread with my dh and he was disgusted! We have an eight year old dd and a ten year old ds, both have their favourite teddies that they take with them if they stay with grandparents. My dh said its not about who bought what teddy, or how expensive a teddy is! Its about the love that a little one pours into their teddy, a love that chases away monsters under beds, makes them feel safe when they are away from home and is always there listening and not judging! My dh spent a night tracking down the school janitor to rescue our dd's teddy who had been left overnight in nursery (which had then closed for the holidays!!) when she was three.

Have you read the velveteen rabbit to your dd op? I'm wondering if reading it and saying Daddy never had a teddy that he loved so much that he became real (or that Daddy has forgotten how special it is to love a special teddy until they are real!). So Daddy doesn't understand how much you can love and need your special teddy. Perhaps tell her that her teddy would stay home and protect her toys whilst she visits Daddy, as her toys miss her whilst she is gone. Then tell her that if she chooses a teddy at Daddies house, and loves him/ her so much that they become real, that her teddy could then protect her toys at Daddies house, then be waiting for her when she gets to Daddies house. (Perhaps she could have a tiny sachet of fairy dust, to take to Daddies house to help turn one of her teddies there real.)

Tell her the good fairy will use the toy magic to keep both of her teddies (or babies as our dd has always called them) safe whilst she is not with them.

I always tell my children that no matter how far away they are from me, that we are never truly apart! That they grew from my heart inside me and that they are a piece of my heart walking around outside my body. I think the hearts is a lovely idea! Another option is perhaps to hide something small in a secret compartment in her bag (a soft velvet heart sprayed with your perfume, so that she can be comforted by your smell when she misses you). Perhaps the fairy dust can be in the same pocket!

No advice, just sympathy. My ex is also a narcissist and this is very familiar - thankfully(!) he is so awful that I have kept him out of our lives for the past 18 months and his attempt to get contact through the courts isn't going well for him. I agree with others that complete emotional disengagement (as far as you can manage) is the way forward. In the long term, maybe it's no bad thing that your DD is upset by him as it might help her be cautious about trusting him when she's older.

Nancy! I'm pleased that you have been able to get the support from all the great Mum's on here. And you seem to have unloaded with your thoughts and fears in your longer posts. This is great, what we're here for.

This "man" (had to put the inverted commas), is a bloody psychopath, I would say verging on the dangerous.
You must keep yourself away from contact with him entirely, I would speak ONLY through your Legal aid solicitor. This might sound sexist but try to find one who specializes in Family and a woman. V sexist!
Don't give a shit! Most men will have a small bit of empathy with arsehole. A eoman , less chance of that.
I don't think that he can object to you changing her nursery dsy , when it's your day anyway. Again arsehole trying to control. The Nursery should totally ignore his demands, if not Solicitor again.
Let your Mum deal with changeovers but tell her to expect him to upset her to "get at you". Btw. I would LOVE to be your Mum and deal with with arsehole for you. I did it for my daughter, the arsehole got nowhere with me. The contempt and hatred in my face made his tiny balls shrivel.
Best of luck Sweetheart! We're all here for you!

Don't try and explain or justify daddy s point of view
Just have teddy stay behind.

Have you had and counselling yourself or bern to a sepatated/divorced group or w9rkshop ? Freedom program ? You need tools to deal with your ex ...and to be able to teach your dd later.

She is 3 of course she loves him. And is forgiving.

Stay neutral and having some one else hand over would be best.