Giving money to your parents for expenses

[summerbreeze15]

I sat down last night to go through me and DH accounts to see how we are with Christmas coming. We don't have a lot of disposable income due to me been on maternity at the moment so I have to budget carefully. Each month I've noticed a small sum of money transferred over to my mils account. I questioned DH on this and he told me he pays some money towards her bills. I can understand him doing this when we have a little extra cash but we don't really. Every week mil gets hair done in a salon goes out three/four times for dinner/drinks takes 3 holidays a year which I do not begrudge but it feels to me that she doesn't need us to be paying her bills for her if she can afford to live the lifestyle she currently is. I'm just wondering if IABU or for the sake of £20 say nothing.

Is it £20 from his spending money or from joint household finances? Do you have the samr spending money each month?

I wouldn't say anything about £20. I think it's nice that he wants to look out for his Mum. He sounds lovely.

I think it is a bit unusual, but quite nice of him. It may be only a token, but possibly one she appreciates very much.

What a nice man. I wouldn't rock the boat for £20.

So she lives beyond her means at your expense? Like shite.

20 out of our joint income.

Id tell him he needs to pay it out if his own spending money then really.

If it’s from his personal money, fine. If it’s from family money while you are watching the pennies and your MIL has regular holidays and trips to the beauticians, not fine.

If she spends money on eating out and multiple holidays why does she need £20? It's nothing compared to what she spends?
It sounds odd to me. Are you sure he is not paying back money he owes her?!

Does he owe her the money for something? Maybe something she's bought and he's paying back? Seems like too small amount to be of any real use for her bills.

Generally I don't think I'd notice but as we've gone from two incomes to one I'm watching every penny till I go back to work.

Putting aside how it's a bit odd for his mum to get pocket money from him....

It sounds like it's from his account, in which case I wouldn't say anything unless you're really struggling financially.

If it was joint money then I would say something.

It depends. If she helps you out in terms of childcare, cooking meals etc then it's the least you can do but even if not then I wouldn't grumble over £20/month.

If you have to budget carefully, maybe it should come out of his spending money if she doesn't strictly need it. Is it £20 a week or is it more than that? Do you know if she can afford her lifestyle or if she is in debt?

While some pensioners are poor, many are comfortable with minimal housing costs and enough money to live on, even if they do complain constantly about how expensive everything is. Just because life costs more than it did in 1972 doesn't necessarily mean they can't afford to put the heating on.

If she's having her hair done weekly, regular holidays and eating out all the time, you're right, it sounds like she doesn't need help. And if the money you're giving her impacts on your ability to afford these things yourself, it sounds like it might be time to reassess.

So her disposable income is more than yours, and she's accepting £20/mo from her son?

Where is her pride?

Insist he tells you how much you have donated. Then shop till you are even. Then insist he gives her from his share of spends.

Bet she is loving spending your hard earned cash!!

This is odd. Neither my DM or MiL would accept money for bills from us unless they were really really struggling. Even then I don't think they would, they'd have too much pride.

I think either a) she's got some very old fashioned views about needing to have a man "look after" her (does she have a DP?) or b) like pp said, you DH isn't being honest with you about what the money is for. Are you sure he hasn't borrowed from her for stuff for the baby? Or for a present for you?

That has to come out of his spends, then.

Everyone knows money is tight when your dcs are babies.

Why is she accepting it?

are you sure it isn't money he has borrowed from her for a debt he didn't want you to know about?

No. Just no.

Or could it be paying for debt for stuff he wouldn't want you to know about? Gambling? Expenses associated with a previous relationship?

Oh I know someone (a MIL) who demands money from her kids!

She says she gave them life, and 20 years of care, now it is their turn to pay her back. And I'm talking hundreds per month. Each. For as long as they/she live.

She is an evil cow.

Unless he is 'paying' her to look after any children or petrol to look after said children I would think it pretty outrageous!

Not only has he clearly not discussed it with you first, which is far from ideal but it also clearly unaffordable and completely unfair...especially if she has a much better lifestyle than you.

It would be stopped immediately and dh and I would be having a serious conversation about trust and honesty.

I had to re read with astonishment the comments about him being a 'nice guy' etc.

Have you asked him?

Seems odd as she obviously doesn't "need" it?