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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving money to your parents for expenses

59 replies

summerbreeze15 · 27/10/2017 15:54

I sat down last night to go through me and DH accounts to see how we are with Christmas coming. We don't have a lot of disposable income due to me been on maternity at the moment so I have to budget carefully. Each month I've noticed a small sum of money transferred over to my mils account. I questioned DH on this and he told me he pays some money towards her bills. I can understand him doing this when we have a little extra cash but we don't really. Every week mil gets hair done in a salon goes out three/four times for dinner/drinks takes 3 holidays a year which I do not begrudge but it feels to me that she doesn't need us to be paying her bills for her if she can afford to live the lifestyle she currently is. I'm just wondering if IABU or for the sake of £20 say nothing.

OP posts:

Dustbunny1900 · 27/10/2017 16:21

If she's that comfortable, why does she need 20 bucks a month?? Why is she accepting money from her son who is trying to,support his own family ?? and if it's a joint account, why did he not tell you about this odd little mother-support-payment he's been making, and for how long??
Unless he's paying her back after borrowing money, that's totally unreasonable.

brasty · 27/10/2017 16:21

We give my FIL money, but that is to pay for more carer hours. Without that he would just get the bare minimum funded by Government, which keeps him alive, but no more.
In your case, it depends how much £20 means to you.

RhiannonOHara · 27/10/2017 16:23

If he wants to do this he can do it out of his own money.

Viviennemary · 27/10/2017 16:23

It doesn't sound as if she needs the money at all. Yes you are right to be resentful. I blame her for accepting the money when she knows your own finances aren't great and she has money for luxuries.

greenapplesplatter · 27/10/2017 16:27

I think the amount is bizarre, is it £20 a month or per week? £20 a week I reckon it's more likely that's it's money she's loaned to him previously. £20 a month I can't understand, it's not really a 'treat' to her given the lifestyle she leads so don't see why she would chose to accept it.

My ex-DH used to do this with his mother & it boiled my piss, used to bung her £100 here & there to treat herself & we were piss poor at the time. Current PIL or my DPs would never accept anything other than birthday/Christmas gifts from us

ReanimatedSGB · 27/10/2017 16:28

It's a relatively small sum, though (I appreciate that, if you are skint yourself, £20 a week is a lot) that she doesn't appear to need, so I think you need to find out why it's happening before you tell DH it has to stop. As PP suggested, it could be a debt he's repaying, or a longstanding arrangement that he pays her for something or other (childcare? Lift to the station every day?) on a weekly basis. Or it could be that he's saving up for something and wants her to hold on to his savings so he doesn't accidentally spend them.

Theresnonamesleft · 27/10/2017 16:28

£20 a month, are you sure he isn't paying back a loan? Aside from my mobile and amazon it wouldn't pay anything.

ShellyBoobs · 27/10/2017 16:29

Another reason why the MN mantra of 'all money should be family money' is bollocks.

Joint account for bills and shared expenses only.

That way each of you can do what you want with your own money, including giving a few pence per day to a parent, if you wish, and the other can't whine about it.

Easy.

BewareOfDragons · 27/10/2017 16:30

I think you need to ask him some follow up questions. This is your money, and you aren't rolling in it. She apparently has lots of nice evenings out and holidays ... you certainly aren't in a position to be subsidizing her.

nameusername · 27/10/2017 16:37

Your DH should have discussed with you before making executive decision to give his mum £20 out of your own joint money. He can continue to do so but it's must be done from his own pot from now on.

I can be petty so if he still persists on taking £x from your joint pot, I'll siphoned £x to my own kitty too. Oh, I'll make him re-imburse all the previous amounts. I've no problem in giving a token sum to parents as this is something my siblings and I have done once we started working.

daisypond · 27/10/2017 16:38

Is he paying her back for a loan? MY DH gave money to his parents every month because they'd loaned him £3,000 to help us buy a flat. He paid them a sum every month.

KitKat1985 · 27/10/2017 16:38

When I read your thread title I presumed you meant he was giving her expenses money for looking after a DC/s to cover food etc, which would be fine. But from what I can gather you just mean he is giving her money towards bills, even though she is comfortably off. Assuming he doesn't owe her money, then yes, I think YANBU and if money is tight in your household then giving his money away for no real reason to your MIL is odd.

Ceto · 27/10/2017 16:41

Someone who can take three holidays a year definitely doesn't need £20 a month. Like others, the amount puzzles me - realistically it's not enough to help towards bills for someone who is financially struggling, but she clearly isn't struggling. In the extremely unlikely event that I were ever in her position, I think at this point I would anyway be telling my son that I would rather the money went towards the baby and refuse to take it any longer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2017 16:45

I’d be pissed off if you need the money more than her. Children don’t owe their parents money just because they brought them up. A loan is different obvs.

I don’t agree with you Shelly. It’s not a mantra.

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/10/2017 16:45

I would be cross if I were you. His priority should be his baby, not his bloody mother.

SomethingNewToday · 27/10/2017 16:48

She sounds fairly comfortable so that seems odd to me.

I think it's more likely that he's paying her back for a purchase she made for him or for money he's borrowed.

How long has it been being paid?

CardinalCat · 27/10/2017 16:49

I used to be married to a man who bankrolled his profligate mother (who never worked) out of our joint finances, behind my back.

I say 'used to be' for good reason.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/10/2017 16:49

I'd think it so odd. If she has an expensive lifestyle like you describe, £20 is nothing really! If she was hard up, I'd say it was a nice gesture and no problem.

brasty · 27/10/2017 16:50

Yes good point that he may be repaying a loan he has not told you about

Floralnomad · 27/10/2017 16:50

I would imagine with it being such a paltry amount that he actually owes her money for something , possibly a very long time ago and is paying it back . If you were genuinely helping her with her outgoings £20 is such a small amount it's not worth the aggro .

Crumbs1 · 27/10/2017 16:53

Maybe he just feels you should look after your parents as they get older. He may feel better for giving a small amount. Certainly she’s spent more over the years both in money and time.
If you’re struggling maybe ask him to look at finances with you. I do think it would be joint spending not from his alone. You’re married so it’s all shared income anyway.
We subsidise both mothers significantly. Although probably my MIL more as she does more and is younger.

Moussemoose · 27/10/2017 16:54

I can't get over her taking it. She knows what it's like when dcs are young. Why would you let your DC help you when you have money?

brasty · 27/10/2017 16:57

If it was a loan and the OP's MIL feels her son is bad with money, I can see her making him repay it. Constantly giving gifts to adults who are bad with money, does not help them in the long run.

Willswife · 27/10/2017 16:58

Sounds odd to me. If she was absolutely skint then £20 a month would make a difference to her but from the lifestyle you describe she is not hard up so it seems an odd thing to do.

Did he give her more prior to your mat leave and has reduced it since? If not then I think it is a bit odd that he gives it/she accepts it and I would suspect, as others do, that it is from a previous loan.

OnionShite · 27/10/2017 17:32

Nothing wrong with it at all in principle, but odd when she appears to have a good amount of disposable income and you're counting every penny at the moment.

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