To think I could 'wing' it when I was younger, but the shit-storm has arrived and it turns out I'm shite and just want to hide away and drink gin.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I'm going to put this in bullet form. It's easier. This is a moan. I'd like to find positives if I possibly can through power of thought not at bottom of gin glass.

DISCLAIMER: many of these problems are 'first world'. It will probably come across as a self pitying rant. Sorry. Am frustrated and would like to vent...

. I am 31. Nearly 32. I would dearly love to have a baby, get married, have a house (two up two down in a shite area is ok- am in no position to be fussy. Up until a month ago I rented a poky but bohemian shabby flat in a lovely area of London that'd had been my home for five years. Because my partner and I would like all the above stuff and I am fairly time-conscious with regards to my reproductive system, we have moved to Essex and in with his Dad to save money for a deposit, hopefully, though of course no gaurentee on that as we would literally have to save at least £30,000 to get a mortgage (on a two bed in zone 5) and fuck only knows how long that's going to take. Both our jobs are frustratingly 'london' jobs or i'd suggest getting the fuck out of here so we can crack on, even though I love it.

. Our letting agent who was always a total bellend is withholding £650 of our £1500 deposit for the repaintin of a shit paint job anyway on a tiny wall and changing two lightbulbs that never worked. He's refusing to use the deposit protection argument process so we'll have to do small claims. Yes we will win but what a ball ache.

.My lovely grandma died two weeks ago and I still can't think of her without wanting to sob, it was sudden and I loved her and she always stood up for me when my mum was horrible, which was often, and filled the praise/compliment/encouragement gaps that I lacked from my parents. I'm speaking at her funeral next week and I want to do it but am terrified, and my mother will obviously be there and we've been NC for months because, she is fucking horrible. And even at my grandma's funeral, she will probably try and make me feel horrible.

. I got a new job for a lot more money than I was on before in a fairly accessible location from where I now live but I'm rubbish at it. I try and try but for every thing I do really well I seem to get about three things horribly wrong, and I get told off, and it makes me feel shit, and I feel bad they are paying me so much.

.I successfully recovered from anorexia at 24 and I never thought it would darken my door again (despite what they tell you but I was cocky) but now I'm thinking being thin is the only thing I've ever been good at

.My Dad frequently texts about his latest property/holiday/investment/car/extension and yes I KNOW he shouldn't have to give us anything and I'd never ever ask but he sees us struggling to afford even a fraction of what he has. And yes he was in our position once but was able to pay a tiny deposit for a family house on an average wage and he got to start a family. I would never ask but he has funded both my brother's football season tickets for the last decade and I haven't had a penny because I 'don't like football'.

Christ. I apologise for sounding so bloody self indulgent. I just remember the easy breezy twenties and the reckless abandon and thinking shit would never get real...

by the way why do you think you are shit your job? I am just curious if you really are, or if its just low self esteem? You sound great to me

I'm probably just shit at some aspects and not others. I've never worked in property management before- have had to advertise these flats, take pictures, show round tenants, answer endless emails about it, deal with the tenants moving out, with no help at all....and on top of all my other duties.

I cook for the family on some nights too and, not blowing my own trumpet but I'm a really competent cook- the dad always finds something he's not happy with. Chicken not chopped into small enough pieces, too much of one spice and too little of the other- that sort of thing. To be honest the mum usually looks emabarrassed and apologises to me about it.

To the poster above who mentioned the deposit- it is in a scheme and we've submitted the evidence to counter-claim the agent- there was no official check out even though we requested one. He just ignored us. So I think we're now in the stage where he submits his evidence, but I don't know if he can just decide not to and the money just remains out of reach indefinitely. That's why I think we might have to do small claims court.

Also thank you for the email suggestion- that's really good. It's definately his sort of language.

I'm reading a poem at my gran's funeral about someone being gone but you're grateful for the time you had with them etc. I don't feel like that at the moment though- I'd rather she was just here!

Do you have a login or contact no for the deposit scheme? I think the agency would have a month to submit proof of the work required (and I imagine they would have a hard time proving it), and if they don't submit in time / don't supply adequate proof the money is just returned to you. How are they refusing to follow the process? If it's in a scheme they'll have no choice/ if it's not in a scheme...you can claim 3x? back.

We have a log in, and we're following the process online- just unsure what happens now.

Oh love, so sorry about your Gran . However, I am so pleased you had someone who loved and cared for you - as someone who also had a v difficult relationship with their Mum I can imagine how much that must have meant to you. Cruse do bereavement counselling and have a telephone helpline, so it might be worth contacting them if things are getting too much for you at the moment (and sometimes life is just like that).

As for your employer, he's going to teach you how NOT to be a people pleaser. No matter how hard you work, he will never be happy. You will have to learn to stand up to him - if he complains about things not being done, ask him for overtime. I can guarantee you, if you let him get away with it, he will continue to push at your boundaries. I have had the 'pleasure' of working with many men/women like this and the only thing they respect is people standing up to them.

Next time he has a go, picture your lovely Gran standing next to you and what she would say to him. Try and see yourself through her eyes.

Oh and ask your Dad if he would consider helping you out with a deposit. If he says no - well that's how it is, you are no worse off than now. If you don't ask, I suspect you'll never get.

If the mum is on side, then that is great. All you have to do is smile sweetly and say 'ok'. Then completely ignore him. You will never get a day without a complaint, so entertain yourself with guessing what it might be today- plates are cold, butter's too salty, water is too wet etc.

It’s actually a big relief to realise that you have no need to please this man- it can’t be done, so no need to try.

DP has come gone with steak, a lovely bottle of red and a rescue cat!!!

*home.

Thanks Otters.

Yes! A little black and white one called Mavis

A bloke at his work's girlfriend volunteers at a shelter and this little one has been hanging around for ages, her last owners left her in a cattery and never came back for her

She's sweet, I think she's really going to cheer me up

She's about three apparently. Initially foster but we all know she's probably staying

She is soooo cute!

Mavis looks great.

The dad you work for sounds like an arsehole though, and if I were you, I'd be drawing some boundaries now. Or leave. I've been a PA (London based film industry) for a guy like that. It got worse and worse and worse (bullying, unreasonable requests, physical intimidation) until he called me a "fucking idiot" because I couldn't book him a train ticket in his preferred carriage an hour and a half before a journey. Because it was full of other people.

I handed in my notice that day, and he made my life hell for the next month.

Honestly, it started with "reminders" about small things like handwash preferences and not being able to find a DVD (that he'd lost himself) and ended with me almost having a nervous breakdown.

No job is worth that.

Thank you :) she's already curled up against my legs like she's been here forever!

I think you're right about my boss being impossible to please. I'm just not very good at not taking these criticisms very seriously.

Hey! Aren't black cats supposed to be lucky Harriet??

I do hope you get your job situation sorted, and you get through reading your poem in one piece at your grandmothers funeral.

Hi OP it really struck me when reading your thread how similar you sound to me! I struggled a lot when I lost my grandparents as they brought me up due to my parents not being very good at it (massive understatement but that is a different story) I’ve also had anorexia since I was 12 (am now early 40s) I agree that it is something that stays with you forever but you do learn to control it. It is something I fall into when I feel out of control, which maybe how you are feeling now. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother, I have days when it still floods me they aren’t here but many more days when I think of them and smile and laugh. As for your job I agree with PP and email the dad (cc in Mum) and explain that you are currently working two full time jobs with nannying and PA (which you sound amazing at) with it being half term. Once your charge is back to school you will have more time to
PA. As others have said you write very well so use that humour and eloquence to pen the email. Speak to your dad about a loan. Your partner sounds amazing and it seems the pair of you will be fantastic parents. I didn’t plan our first child (a lovely surprise when I was a very immature 24) and although I was scared at the time it really was the making of us. There is loads more I want to say but don’t want to bang on! Just wanted to let you know I have been where you are and wanted to offer support. P.S Mavis is gorgeous

Thanks Lelleybells that was a really helpful and lovely post! I really hope we do get the chance to be amazing parents

I'm really glad you can mostly look back and just smile at the memories of your grandparents. I'll get there too eventually. I'm still massively in the disbelief that she's really gone stage.

Mavis is an absolute gem and good as gold, yesterday was actually National Black Cat Day so a perfect day to bring her home.