To think I could 'wing' it when I was younger, but the shit-storm has arrived and it turns out I'm shite and just want to hide away and drink gin.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I'm going to put this in bullet form. It's easier. This is a moan. I'd like to find positives if I possibly can through power of thought not at bottom of gin glass.

DISCLAIMER: many of these problems are 'first world'. It will probably come across as a self pitying rant. Sorry. Am frustrated and would like to vent...

. I am 31. Nearly 32. I would dearly love to have a baby, get married, have a house (two up two down in a shite area is ok- am in no position to be fussy. Up until a month ago I rented a poky but bohemian shabby flat in a lovely area of London that'd had been my home for five years. Because my partner and I would like all the above stuff and I am fairly time-conscious with regards to my reproductive system, we have moved to Essex and in with his Dad to save money for a deposit, hopefully, though of course no gaurentee on that as we would literally have to save at least £30,000 to get a mortgage (on a two bed in zone 5) and fuck only knows how long that's going to take. Both our jobs are frustratingly 'london' jobs or i'd suggest getting the fuck out of here so we can crack on, even though I love it.

. Our letting agent who was always a total bellend is withholding £650 of our £1500 deposit for the repaintin of a shit paint job anyway on a tiny wall and changing two lightbulbs that never worked. He's refusing to use the deposit protection argument process so we'll have to do small claims. Yes we will win but what a ball ache.

.My lovely grandma died two weeks ago and I still can't think of her without wanting to sob, it was sudden and I loved her and she always stood up for me when my mum was horrible, which was often, and filled the praise/compliment/encouragement gaps that I lacked from my parents. I'm speaking at her funeral next week and I want to do it but am terrified, and my mother will obviously be there and we've been NC for months because, she is fucking horrible. And even at my grandma's funeral, she will probably try and make me feel horrible.

. I got a new job for a lot more money than I was on before in a fairly accessible location from where I now live but I'm rubbish at it. I try and try but for every thing I do really well I seem to get about three things horribly wrong, and I get told off, and it makes me feel shit, and I feel bad they are paying me so much.

.I successfully recovered from anorexia at 24 and I never thought it would darken my door again (despite what they tell you but I was cocky) but now I'm thinking being thin is the only thing I've ever been good at

.My Dad frequently texts about his latest property/holiday/investment/car/extension and yes I KNOW he shouldn't have to give us anything and I'd never ever ask but he sees us struggling to afford even a fraction of what he has. And yes he was in our position once but was able to pay a tiny deposit for a family house on an average wage and he got to start a family. I would never ask but he has funded both my brother's football season tickets for the last decade and I haven't had a penny because I 'don't like football'.

Christ. I apologise for sounding so bloody self indulgent. I just remember the easy breezy twenties and the reckless abandon and thinking shit would never get real...

It's not sarcastic. It was direct.

Sorry you're having a hard time at the moment.

Your health is really important: if your eating disorder is on your mind and / or your eating isn't good right now it might be good to seek some help to avoid relapse. Also, your self esteem sounds low.

Your employers sound unreasonable: you are blaming yourself when it sounds like the role is too broad and workload too high and the dad in particular overly critical, even bullying. You are not the problem. Unless that improves you'll need a plan B: keep eyes open for other jobs,

Nannying isn't necessarily a London job and your skills and experience could be used in other jobs . If you want DC and don't have family help it might not be ideal long term, eg hours and wages not high enough to cover childcare, unless you plan to seek a role where you could bring along your dC, or switch to childminding.

Plenty of people marry for next to no money and have DC while renting. But if your dad has money why not ask him for help?

speakout You could start your own AIBU rather than derailing this one? Everyone can chat about people being London centric despite all the great positives of Edinburgh, and you can get it all out.

The op says both their jobs are 'London jobs' which really usn

Damn...

Which really isn't the case. You can be a nanny anywhere. And a lower salary in a different part of the Country would go a lot further.

It's one thing I never understand about maintaining a London job just because the salary is 'higher'. What's the point in that when property is five times more expensive than in some other places?

My heart goes out to you it really does. Hand-holding, a big glass of here for you.

I wanted to pick up on something. You said this: 'I'm the parent's PA as well, while he's at school, they own properties which I'm supposed to look after, there are not enough hours in the day for all they need doing,'

This rings alarm bells for me. I've been a PA early in my life. I've also done some very, very demanding director-level jobs. I would say that being a PA is just as stressful. Expectations are often off-the-scale, you are expected to do a lot of work that is far, far above the paygrade of an administrative assistant (you sound more like a project manager to be honest), and the way that things are set up means there are far too many opportunities for exploitation because you're essentially in someone's power and they may get cross/angry in ways that wouldn't be acceptable in a more standard workplace (this is wrong, and their bad). Please recognise that these are not your fault. They do not mean you are bad at the job, that you are rubbish or disorganised. They definitely don't mean that you're not suited to higher-powered careers.

I’m the same age as you and was in your position not too long ago. I only managed to buy a house because a) family helped A LOT with the deposit, b) where we live the houses (at that point) we’re vaguely affordable and c) DP got a job out here which was reasonable well paid, so we could get a big enough mortgage.

As others have said, your focus is (of course) on your gran and her funeral - so don’t beat yourself up for making little mistakes at work. Be kind to yourself. Also - if your speaking style is anything like your writing one you’ll do her proud.💐

(Ps: your boss sounds like an arse, it’s just some crumbs ffs. is he aware you’ve recently been bereaved so might not have your head totally in the game?!)

Poor you! Wow, you are going through so much right now.
First off, I would be very tempted to write back to the dad, CCing the mother, something that'll give them a bit of thinking to do over the weekend. Could be as simple as "Thanks for your email. I think we need to have a little chat about what can be reasonably expected to be done in the space of one day. We can discuss priorities and agree on a list of expectations.
Just a reminder that it's half term at the moment, so I'm with Timmy 100% of the time.
How's Monday at 5.30pm?"

As for the other stuff - it all sounds really tough. My advice to you is to "swallow the frog" - accept that things are a bit shit at the moment, but that with the passing of time, you will start to feel better. You will start to feel less "raw" about your lovely grandmother, and you will settle into your current living situation. Work will either settle down or you will find a better one. By do not be afraid to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. Your employer (the dad) needs to get a grip. You do hold power here, trust me, they do not want the upheaval of finding a new nanny. They want you - he's just stuck on a power trip from his other job.

I think you should ask your dad and maybe offer him a share in the equity of the house if you move later. Appeal to the businessman in him. I would also involve him in the buying process as he sounds like he is very experienced.

I'm not surprised you are questioning everything and gin is not the answer you know this and nor is controlling what you eat. I think you are being given an opportunity here to reassess your life and get to live it how you want - not how you are expected to or how everyone else is.

I'm older than you op early 50s ( could be your mum x ) I've just been through a major life change and had to deal with numerous issues too but the answer is make it work how you want.

Why stay in a job looking after someone else's kid who doesn't appreciate you just so you can make their life easier and live in an area that has what to offer you?

The uk is a large country - think outside the box _ sometimes our life goes shit not to make it worse but as an opportunity to make it better.
Write down what you want - what is your dream life? - dreams are there for a reason they are our life path but it means making choices that don't necessarily go with the grain but you want to be happy right?

I'm talking from experience here - a little off centre - I had the chance 20 odd years ago but I conformed instead luckily I've had a second chance -although I've been through hell and I'm not outside the other side yet.

Your grandma will always be with you - she's trying to tell you now stand up for yourself against a life that is currently horrible - I read what you say about your mum and your dad more to the point - did he control money he gave to your mum too?

Believe me you are being blessed here - I know I sound cuckoo - sometimes I astound myself with what comes out my head - but I mean this kindly - and you will do great - talk from the heart!

Seriously think about leaving London. The better jobs are there but you can live so much better on far less north of Birmingham. Childcare is needed in every town and village, it’s not exclusive to the south east. Once the loss of your Gran is less raw, focus of saving for a deposit and look at what you could buy somewhere other than London. Start researching other towns and it will help you focus on an escape the smoke plan.

I can only help with the deposit thing as I’m a letting agent. (Most hated job on here ☹️)

He absolutely cannot refuse to use the deposit scheme. He has an obligation to give you the name of the scheme and the registration number within 30 days of your signing the contract.

YOU can take it to the deposit scheme. It’s really very simple. If what you say is correct, then you WILL win. The whole process might take you half an hour.

For decoration - paint on a wall - the landlord cannot claim a full repaint. After 6 years the decoration would be seen as “spent” and the most would be a minimal amount.

Please please do not let this one go. If the agent refuses to give you the deposit scheme details then ask for his ARLA number and speak to them.

Hope that helps a bit.

Got a message on the way home from the Dad saying the dishwasher hasn't been put on and the side board not cleaned/polished, and I didn't take out the recycling...

He sounds annoying and ungrateful.

Can't just read and run.

The job stuff, I think will get better. Now you know he is a twat who will press 20 buttons to text about you not putting the dishwasher on rather than pressing one to put it on himself, you will adjust to him.

Your grandma's funeral. My advice is this: Type up your eulogy and have your DP come up to the front with you and stand to one side. If you break down, he takes over. If you manage to compose yourself you take back the reins. DH/DSises and I have had this arrangement and it works well, because you know that it's not the end of the world if you can't get through it. And it is such a comfort to know someone else cares enough to take over from you should it come to it.

Don’t let yourself get into feeling negative about the bloke- that will just make life harder later. Think of it as misunderstanding, and you both need to sort out the priorities and expectations together.

Email saying that especially with half term, it’s proving very hard to get everything done in the time allowed. What would they like prioritised? Suggest son's safety, fixed appointments like the tenants, with cleaning coming in when there is time.

The dad is being a twat. DH and I both have full on jobs which can involve travel - I would never in a million years expect our nanny to take out our recycling. And even if somehow they formed part of her job description if she'd forgotten to do it I'd never send a snarky text. Are his legs painted on? Knob

Op sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Sounds like one concrete thing you CAN do is, as PPs have suggested, is sit down with your employers and get things sorted out, in writing (a contract,as it sounds like you don't have one) as to what exactly your hours and duties are. Obviously you can't do fulltime childcare during hols and also do fulltime PA work .... and surely you should not be doing cleaning/dishwasher stuff? Tell them you're happy but need to clarify things for the benefit of both parties.

I think trying to hold down PA/property managing/housekeeper AND full-time nanny tasks in half term is a bloody lot to ask and you really do need to address this with them. Add in your emotional state after your dear Gran passing away and something is going to give.

You are obviously experiencing a bit more anxiety right now than usual and, in my experience, that means making a few more mistakes, given your plate is already fully loaded. Write out a daily checklist if you're forgetting little routine things and don't see it as a failure, you are just under a bit more stress at the moment.

When this happens I also start questioning other, greater things like where am I going in life etc. and other past psychological issues will crop up, like your reference to your ED. I think that's pretty normal, so don't panic.

In your situation, I would respond to the dad and ask to chat in person to explain that he needs to consider where he wants you to focus your time in the half term. You had presumed it would be his child but if he wants it to be a clean house because that's what bugs him when he gets home from his stressful job, you can re-prioritise, as long as he knows his son or property will not be prioritised during that time as you only have set hours.

You say you feel almost guilty for being picked up on things when you are paid so well. This makes me think you you feel you are not worth what they are paying you. If it is a new job there will always be things you need picking up on until you've learnt all that they require from you and how to fit it into your day but you need to discuss these things with them if they are asking too much (and I really do think they are).

For what it's worth, I'm in the Cotswolds and there are plenty of high-powered/commuting families with full-time nannies here and property is much much cheaper. It's very pretty too. So if you can't see this situation working for you and your future, don't be afraid to have a look further afield.

Thanks everyone I've actually got the day off today thankfully so I've slept in and read all your lovely words and am feeling a bit better.

I would move out of London (I would bloody love to live in the Cotswolds!) but DP has been working a very niche position for sports media company for ten years and worked his way up from there, he's doing very well and I don't think he could move and start all over again somewhere else. He doesn't want to either- he loves and is rightly proud of his job. I've nannyed all over the world but I like the fact I've put down some 'roots' here I suppose. But yes the property prices do make my head spin, as does the price of a trainseason ticket if we do move further out.

The dad is a bit of a twat, and yes he does know about my Gran, I have been warned by the mum that he's done this with previous nannies too and he's just incredibly fussy about everything. He hates his job and frequently tries to give up smoking which makes him very snappy. I want to get things right but even when I come away thinking I've done a good job (the boy had a really fun half term week with me for example) there will always be something I didn't do right.

I do have terrible self-esteem- I can thank my mum for that one!

harriet not sure what company it is where your partner works but matchroom is a sports media company based in Brentwood so obviously while you may not be looking to move ATM there might be the option to shift into Essex later on if you preferred and if the move were suitable.

Not sure what your husband's niche job in sports media is, but even here in the north I know people who work in media for our local premiership team.

We left London 20 years ago and haven't regretted it.

I successfully recovered from anorexia at 24 and I never thought it would darken my door again (despite what they tell you but I was cocky) but now I'm thinking being thin is the only thing I've ever been good at
Well that thinking is obviously bollocks as even that sentence has a bloody great success in it - you successfully recovered from anorexia - big, huge, fucking success story!!!! If you can beat that you can beat absolutely anything that life throws at you, you just have to believe it.

You have the day off - perfect. Even better opportunity to send that email I suggested.

The thing is that your problem with work is a very easy one to solve. You state your boundaries; they respect them. Everyone is happy.

By staying silent and then eventually quitting in frustration, you do everyone a disservice.

Point out that there is a problem, and you are unhappy about it. You don't need to be overt about this - send something along the lines I suggested, and it will be clear that his behaviour is problematic.

It might be that the mother has to take over all email communication to you, because it sounds like the father can't really be trusted to foster a healthy employer/employee relationship.

Don't be scared, OP. Like I said, you hold power in this relationship too.

Got a message on the way home from the Dad saying the dishwasher hasn't been put on and the side board not cleaned/polished, and I didn't take out the recycling...

OP, its worth looking at your CV and ensuring you have captured all the good work you are going here. PA/Housekeeper roles can be actually quite well paid
www.secsinthecity.co.uk/job/3722290/knightsbridge-private-pa-/?TrackID=13&cmpid=Aggregator_Indeed&segid=HC&rx_medium=cpc&rx_campaign=indeed100&rx_source=Indeed#sc=jobfeed&me=feed&cm=Indeed

secondly if he is such a high flying business man, start communicating with him a business-like way

Martin, thanks for the text message yesterday at 20.31. Acknowledged.
I would like to bring to your attention that I am currently exceeding my contacted hours, for example I completed work yesterday at XX so 2 hours later. At some stage I would appreciate understanding your expectations and thoughts on this, as of course there are fiscal and financial implications. Thanks

cunt! don't let him bully you and using business like language is a marvellopus way to defend your psotion

how much aret hey paying you?

*Oh here we go, and bringing in another TAAT to this - let's all blame the boomers in their ivory houses. Let's look at another perspective:

(Disclaimer - I'm 45 so middling between boomers and millennials)

In 1995 I on a low salary bought a shared ownership property for 39.5k (I was 50/50) to make ends meet I worked 50 -60 hours a week a combo of a full time bank clerk job and working in a bar.*

Absolutely no disrespect meant to you when you clearly worked hard for what you had but that is just a world away from what people are going through now. 39.5k is pennies really. If prices were a similar level proportional to peoples' incomes, it would be a very different world. Even with people eating baked beans and going hungry some days, many will still never get a deposit together.