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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my daughter to have privacy

57 replies

WorriedandExhausted · 26/10/2017 18:07

I am sat in A&E with my daughter (medical student)

So far 8 of her tutors have come to check if she is okay, and I just wish they would leave her alone.

They are not directly involved in her care, and I think my daughter needs privacy. Or am I too emotional and they are just being caring?

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 26/10/2017 20:18

But why is she answering 'I don't know'?
How did you hurt yourself? ' I collapsed and banged my head'
Are you in pain? This is a simple yes or no! If you don't know whether you are in pain then you clearly aren't!
I don't get it Confused

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 26/10/2017 20:19

Oh sorry- so she got injured before she collapsed and doesn't know how? Sorry I misunderstood

RebelFreddyVSRogueJason · 26/10/2017 20:20

@WorriedandExhausted wishing her a speedy recovery. Flowers for both.

plimsolls · 26/10/2017 20:24

I understand why you're concerned. It's nice that they care of course and if it were a straightforward situation I suspect it wouldn't be an issue. But if your daughter is being very reticent about how she got injured, I completely agree with you that one factor is that she might be worried it won't stay confidential from her training colleagues-, either fellow students or supervisors.

I hope someone can reassure her so that you can get to the bottom of what's happened.

Good luck Flowers

iamyourequal · 26/10/2017 20:27

*WorriedandExhausted

She went to placement, started at 8am- collapsed at around 12 noon. Everyone says she was perfectly fine until she collapsed.Therefore it probably happened last night or this morning.*

Sorry OP but your posts aren't making complete sense. What happened to your daughter last night that she seemedfine this morning but then collapsed at noon?

Sashkin · 26/10/2017 20:32

If this is any kind of reassurance, when I’ve had colleagues admitted we have all been very careful to avoid hearing anything we shouldn’t. It isn’t any of our business and we don’t actually want to know, it just creates awkwardness.

I would probably pop down to say hi (especially if they’d collapsed at work), but I wouldn’t speak to the team or read the notes or anything (and that would be a sackable offence anyway).

cakeymccakington · 26/10/2017 20:34

I don't think they should be doing it.

They may be concerned about her, but she could have any number of private issues going on and they shouldn't just be turning up willy nilly.

ijustwannadance · 26/10/2017 20:35

So she's claiming not to know how her rib was broken? Or did that happen when she collapsed?

Sounds like she just doesn't want anyone to know the truth.

endofthelinefinally · 26/10/2017 20:36

She does sound concussed.

FlowerPot1234 · 26/10/2017 20:52

I am more worried a medical student isn't able to say how they got hurt or whether she is in pain Hmm.

Please don't be upset that there are at least 8 people who are involved in her education who actually care about her. It's lovely.

InspMorse · 26/10/2017 21:36

Doctors have heard it all and are fairly non judgemental, but I still would not want my boss/lecturer hearing if I did something stupid.
Do you want to keep colleagues away because your DD may be ashamed of something she has done?
I don't think you've given us the full picture here OP so who knows if it's a YANBU or a YABU.

Original poster
WorriedandExhausted · 26/10/2017 22:59

She had an abusive partner, if he was involved, I am guessing she would rather keep it a secret. She is also slightly concussed, and she is now adamant, that absolutely nothing happened, and she just woke up in pain.

The doctors think she got injured before she came to work, and then she tried to work through it.

Her determination to say nothing was greater than her pain level.It was impossible to get a full picture when she is being so uncommunicative.

:D its been a quiet evening, and she has fallen asleep.

They were not unreasonable, to pop in earlier and say hi , it was a kind and caring thing to do, especially since she is student living away from her home town.

However, I would have preferred it if she had a bit more privacy since she is still fairly confused.

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/10/2017 23:04

It's a fine line between caring and being a nuisance, but I guess they will peter out. Maybe they already had concerns about possible abuse. At least your DD knows she has lots of people on her side. Hope she recovers well and the situation gets resolved Flowers

LouHotel · 26/10/2017 23:43

OP big hugs for you and your daughter. It very much sounds from your last update that someone is involved in her injury which would explain her 'i dont know' answers in her place of work.

Have you got means to get her somewhere safe and potentially counselling?

sophiepotato · 27/10/2017 00:06

They may be concerned about her, but she could have any number of private issues going on and they shouldn't just be turning up willy nilly.

This x100. Medical professionals should know better than anyone that everyone is entitled to confidential medical treatment and while it's nice that they care about her I agree they should have given her more privacy. Unfortunately medics are often so used to being allowed to know everything (because if they're treating someone it is their job to) that they forget that doesn't apply to people who aren't their patients and it especially doesn't apply to people they have another type of relationship with.

WildBluebelles · 27/10/2017 07:08

Yup, sounds like the partner was involved. Has he been physically violent before? She needs to get away from him- these things get worse, never better and next time she may have something worse than a cracked rib from him.

pilates · 27/10/2017 07:20

Your recent update sheds a different light on the story. Hope she confides in you as it does sound like she is protecting someone.

Original poster
WorriedandExhausted · 27/10/2017 15:55

You were all right, today was a lot quieter for my daughter.

She opened up a little bit to one of the doctors.
She will be off sick for at least 5 days, hopefully she will use that time to decide how she wants t deal with this.

OP posts:
ForTheTimeBeing · 27/10/2017 16:03

Your daughter has an abusive partner and you worry about colleagues being kind to her?

sophiepotato · 27/10/2017 16:26

No, the OP was worried about whether constant visits to her fragile, likely concussed and confused, almost certainly distressed and frightened daughter were preventing her from opening up about what had caused her injuries.

I'm sure her colleagues meant to be kind but everyone has a right to choose how much they reveal about their medical condition and to who. Confidentiality is important to protect patients, especially those who have been victims of domestic violence. What if one of the colleagues was the abuser? (Note to OP: I'm not suggesting that is the case as clearly you know who it is but in another case it might be)

sophiepotato · 27/10/2017 16:28

OP I'm glad to hear that today has been quieter and you daughter has been able to open up a bit. I hope the thinking time and your support help her to move in the right direction Flowers

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/10/2017 16:47

Id be much more focussed on why your daughter is refusing to tell you how she got injured.

Original poster
WorriedandExhausted · 27/10/2017 19:37

I can worry about more than one thing at a time.

She will tell me how she got injured when she is ready. Domestic violence is associated with controlling behavior, the last thing I would want to do, is to make her feel forced to do something she may not want.

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 27/10/2017 23:24

Maybe you could look at this another way OP. Maybe your DD’s colleagues have worked out she’s a victim of domestic violence and are (a) horrified at seeing her in their A&E but also (b) want her her to know they are there for her when she’s ready to talk. Better than them not caring about her at all.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 28/10/2017 10:50

I too am surprised you are posting about colleagues showing concern, when the real issue is, surely your daughter is still in danger. If her partner is beating her up and breaking her ribs, what will he do next while you're waiting for her to 'open up about how she got injured'.

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