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AIBU?

AIBU to expect my daughter to have privacy

57 replies

WorriedandExhausted · 26/10/2017 18:07

I am sat in A&E with my daughter (medical student)

So far 8 of her tutors have come to check if she is okay, and I just wish they would leave her alone.

They are not directly involved in her care, and I think my daughter needs privacy. Or am I too emotional and they are just being caring?

OP posts:

Report

Notevilstepmother · 31/10/2017 20:14

Whilst on one hand she needs confidentiality, on the other hand she needs support. Domestic violence is thankfully less of a taboo than it used to be. She has nothing to be ashamed of, and looking at it from the outside this experience will eventually help make her a better doctor. I hope in time she gets the help she needs to get away from this relationship and I wish you both all the best for the next week.

ElizaDontlittle · 31/10/2017 19:51

Work-wise she'll be fine.
I imagine the tutors suspect something as that's a lot of people.
I managed to have major bowel surgery as an emergency in my own trust without any of my colleagues coming to see me! and I've been qualified over 10 years!
I'm glad they have her back but I hope she will not feel embarrassed or ashamed afterwards as seeking help in the future might then be harder. You are right she needs her confidentiality.

I hope she's able to open up to you and to leave this horrible man - so that there is no next time.

WorriedandExhausted · 31/10/2017 19:39

Ginkypig

:) Please dont worry about it. I understood what you meant and I completely agree with you. Her safety and well being are the main priority. I am not sure how that will look in the future, but I am hoping to be guided by my daughter

The police spoke to her, and I don't know has evolved into "I wont say"

OP posts:

Ginkypig · 31/10/2017 11:27

Sorry Iv read this over and it sounds less supportive than I meant!

All I meant is whatever is going on (esp with work) is not more important than she is.

It might mean putting things on hold or changing how her "road" looks while she gets herself to a place where she is safe and happy buts that's ok, because there is plenty of time.

Ginkypig · 30/10/2017 14:04

Even if she doesn't, so what! If she has to she can repeat the year.

This is her life. There's time for her to get to where she needs but she needs to be ok both physically and mentally if she's ever going to be able to do that.

She has to be alive to have a life! Her health and wellbeing are paramount if she ever wants to have a nice life.

I'm glad she has you. [hanhold]

WorriedandExhausted · 28/10/2017 21:41

Thank you for all the hand holding.

She is very unhappy about having to have a break from university, but has agreed to spend the week with me.

someone brought her some extra reading, since she is going to have so much spare time. Her colleagues may be showing concern, but now she is more alert and talking she is embarrassed and angry.

DD, says her life is ruined and she is going to never ever catch up, and this is why she never sought help. I think its just all her emotions catching up with her.

OP posts:

Ginkypig · 28/10/2017 10:59

She probably is scared because she doesn't want to become hospital gossip so is keeping what happened a secret.

She doesn't want to be the doctor who got beaten up (or whatever happened)

Your right that you need to give her a bit of space but it's also important if you can to try to help her to get herself safe from this animal.

Once she out of hospital can she come and stay at yours for a couple of nights, then you can try to make her feel safe to open up and help her take the next steps needed.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 28/10/2017 10:50

I too am surprised you are posting about colleagues showing concern, when the real issue is, surely your daughter is still in danger. If her partner is beating her up and breaking her ribs, what will he do next while you're waiting for her to 'open up about how she got injured'.

MiniCooperLover · 27/10/2017 23:24

Maybe you could look at this another way OP. Maybe your DD’s colleagues have worked out she’s a victim of domestic violence and are (a) horrified at seeing her in their A&E but also (b) want her her to know they are there for her when she’s ready to talk. Better than them not caring about her at all.

WorriedandExhausted · 27/10/2017 19:37

I can worry about more than one thing at a time.

She will tell me how she got injured when she is ready. Domestic violence is associated with controlling behavior, the last thing I would want to do, is to make her feel forced to do something she may not want.

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/10/2017 16:47

Id be much more focussed on why your daughter is refusing to tell you how she got injured.

sophiepotato · 27/10/2017 16:28

OP I'm glad to hear that today has been quieter and you daughter has been able to open up a bit. I hope the thinking time and your support help her to move in the right direction

sophiepotato · 27/10/2017 16:26

No, the OP was worried about whether constant visits to her fragile, likely concussed and confused, almost certainly distressed and frightened daughter were preventing her from opening up about what had caused her injuries.

I'm sure her colleagues meant to be kind but everyone has a right to choose how much they reveal about their medical condition and to who. Confidentiality is important to protect patients, especially those who have been victims of domestic violence. What if one of the colleagues was the abuser? (Note to OP: I'm not suggesting that is the case as clearly you know who it is but in another case it might be)

ForTheTimeBeing · 27/10/2017 16:03

Your daughter has an abusive partner and you worry about colleagues being kind to her?

WorriedandExhausted · 27/10/2017 15:55

You were all right, today was a lot quieter for my daughter.

She opened up a little bit to one of the doctors.
She will be off sick for at least 5 days, hopefully she will use that time to decide how she wants t deal with this.

OP posts:

pilates · 27/10/2017 07:20

Your recent update sheds a different light on the story. Hope she confides in you as it does sound like she is protecting someone.

WildBluebelles · 27/10/2017 07:08

Yup, sounds like the partner was involved. Has he been physically violent before? She needs to get away from him- these things get worse, never better and next time she may have something worse than a cracked rib from him.

sophiepotato · 27/10/2017 00:06

They may be concerned about her, but she could have any number of private issues going on and they shouldn't just be turning up willy nilly.

This x100. Medical professionals should know better than anyone that everyone is entitled to confidential medical treatment and while it's nice that they care about her I agree they should have given her more privacy. Unfortunately medics are often so used to being allowed to know everything (because if they're treating someone it is their job to) that they forget that doesn't apply to people who aren't their patients and it especially doesn't apply to people they have another type of relationship with.

LouHotel · 26/10/2017 23:43

OP big hugs for you and your daughter. It very much sounds from your last update that someone is involved in her injury which would explain her 'i dont know' answers in her place of work.

Have you got means to get her somewhere safe and potentially counselling?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/10/2017 23:04

It's a fine line between caring and being a nuisance, but I guess they will peter out. Maybe they already had concerns about possible abuse. At least your DD knows she has lots of people on her side. Hope she recovers well and the situation gets resolved

WorriedandExhausted · 26/10/2017 22:59

She had an abusive partner, if he was involved, I am guessing she would rather keep it a secret. She is also slightly concussed, and she is now adamant, that absolutely nothing happened, and she just woke up in pain.

The doctors think she got injured before she came to work, and then she tried to work through it.

Her determination to say nothing was greater than her pain level.It was impossible to get a full picture when she is being so uncommunicative.

:D its been a quiet evening, and she has fallen asleep.

They were not unreasonable, to pop in earlier and say hi , it was a kind and caring thing to do, especially since she is student living away from her home town.

However, I would have preferred it if she had a bit more privacy since she is still fairly confused.

OP posts:

InspMorse · 26/10/2017 21:36

Doctors have heard it all and are fairly non judgemental, but I still would not want my boss/lecturer hearing if I did something stupid.
Do you want to keep colleagues away because your DD may be ashamed of something she has done?
I don't think you've given us the full picture here OP so who knows if it's a YANBU or a YABU.

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FlowerPot1234 · 26/10/2017 20:52

I am more worried a medical student isn't able to say how they got hurt or whether she is in pain .

Please don't be upset that there are at least 8 people who are involved in her education who actually care about her. It's lovely.

endofthelinefinally · 26/10/2017 20:36

She does sound concussed.

ijustwannadance · 26/10/2017 20:35

So she's claiming not to know how her rib was broken? Or did that happen when she collapsed?

Sounds like she just doesn't want anyone to know the truth.

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