Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is my girlfriend being unreasonable or the University?

79 replies

Fluffywhitecloud · 25/10/2017 23:20

NM as this is revealing. I have previously posted for advice and would like to keep threads separate.
My girlfriend has got into a situation that has infuriated me. Right now she balances a 30 hr work week with a full time university degree. She's had a few struggles over the last few months with ill health.
She is managing to cope but had a shock earlier this week when a second cousin passed away. She went into shock and it took time to calm her.....this took place in the time she should have been travelling to a university seminar which she obviously wasn't in a fit state to attend.
The university now want a death certificate as evidence but she has said it's too insensitive to ask her extended family and that as she only missed one, non assessed class she will not provide this. She has offered to attend a later class but they rejected this. She has said that she will not harass her cousins family for a copy of the death certificate for her lecturer and that if her absence is more than 5 days she will get a doctors note. the class was not assessed but she has said she will deal with any penalties as she is not supplying it and feels she has done all she can. She emailed to say it was not easily accessible and that she is self certifiying as prr the departmental policy.
I'm glad to say she is getting back to her normal self but is still grieving. Was she being unreasonable or were the university being insensitive? I'm worried about the potential consequences for her

OP posts:

RidingWindhorses · 26/10/2017 00:05

Are you American OP? ("semester") Perhaps US unis have different policies, or are you based in the UK?

GardenGeek · 26/10/2017 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Highfivethatfart · 26/10/2017 00:28

Asking for a death certificate for the absence of one class seems very extreme. It must a class that is crucial to the progression of her degree and therefore if she is claiming mitigating circumstances for missing it then evidence must be provided. Perhaps ask what other evidence they would accept if she is not comfortable asking for a copy of the death certificate or ask another member of the family to approach the cousins family for it. If the department aren't being helpful she should go to student welfare/support department and see if they can offer assistance.

On a separate but related note the 30hr work week and full time degree needs addressing- that is not going to be good for her well being or ultimately the outcome of her degree. She is not far off a working a full time job with those hours. At the university where I work students are restricted to how many hours they can work a week.....there is a reason for this - their mental health, their physical health and their ability to focus on their studies.

I think if I were your girlfriend I would just self certificate, take some time to grieve and recover and not worry about any repercussions from the Univserity - i doubt there will any if it is just a week of normal classes.

bigbluedustbin · 26/10/2017 00:33

This happens, unfortunately, because students frequently lie about deaths to avoid attending. Requiring evidence identifies the liars. It also puts extra unnecessary grief on the ones who are genuine. There has to be a policy in place somewhere. Can your gf provide a link to an online obituary? That wouldn’t be intrusive on the family.

Judydreamsofhorses · 26/10/2017 00:38

Our attendance policy triggers after a student drops below 90% attendance. I would expect a student to contact me directly to tell me about a death or illness which would mean absence from my class (via email) and would put measures in place to support that person if need be - for example, arranging to see them one-to-one. Missing deadlines or assessments needs a medical certificate or a prior agreement based on personal circumstances.

riding we work with two semesters - i’m in Scotland.

30 hours of work is far too much on top of full time study.

Caulk · 26/10/2017 00:38

I’m going to assume you’re American/Canadian by the language you’ve used.

Find out how easy it is to get a copy of a death certificate. In the UK it’s pretty simple. However if your girlfriend is this upset about a distant cousin it sounds like she isn’t coping very well with life in general. Can she drop some work hours? If she is a freshman then it is very early for her to have chosen her elective unless it is something she is very very sure about- and therefore needs to focus on

steff13 · 26/10/2017 00:45

I'm in the US, and all I have to do is go down to the health department to get a certified copy of a death certificate. It costs $25 and takes about 2 minutes. That might vary from state to state though.

CatchingBabies · 26/10/2017 00:55

I had to submit a death certificate to uni when my MIL sadly died but I had 6 weeks off to assist my partner making the required arrangements and also to help care for her in her final days. I also required an extension on an assignment so it was probably more for that why I needed proof. I'm sure she could order a copy herself however without asking the family.

TrumpsWigmaker · 26/10/2017 00:55

My DD hasn’t missed a single class, seminar or lecture in the 2+ years she has been at uni. She also had to provide a death certificate to get time off for her DG’s funeral earlier this year. It’s her university’s policy - nothing to do with poor or problematic attendance.

As other PP’s have said, your GF will be able to order a copy of the certificate without causing distress to grieving relatives.

SuperBeagle · 26/10/2017 01:13

We use "semester" in Australia, and this is a policy common to universities here. Attendance is graded/considered as part of your overall grade, so if you miss x number of tutorials per semester, you will receive a technical fail. You can apply for academic consideration if you miss a tutorial, but you'll be required to submit evidence. Alternatively, you can take the missed tutorial on the nose and accept that it'll detriment your overall grade slightly.

AgentCooper · 26/10/2017 01:14

I handle student 'good cause' claims for missed coursework and assessment and am allowed to accept an order of service as evidence. Does she have that?

StaplesCorner · 26/10/2017 01:39

If its not a close relative, when they receive the death certificate, how on earth will they know its her second cousin, and that she went to the funeral? So basically they just want a death certificate, any will do, roughly a couple of weeks before the seminar she missed?!

Sounds like they just want to be obstructive, but I know nothing about higher education so I'm not sure I am very helpful!

Notanumberuser · 26/10/2017 02:08

How have her struggles with Ill healthimpacted on her attendance and what is the nature of her course?

Many universities in the Uk use semesters now rather than terms.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 26/10/2017 03:20

UK universities have semesters as well as terms - both refer to different periods of time during the year. Terms are similar to school terms, semesters have exam/assessment periods at the end (January and May for most students, but could also include an assessment period at the beginning of September if a 3-semester course)

I work with nursing students and our policy would not require a death certificate for a single absence for a non-summative session with no other attendance concerns, though it would need to be formally reported as they have attendance requirements. She can ask to see the attendance policy for her course/module

araiwa · 26/10/2017 03:26

either the university are being unreasonable or she is lying to you about the situation and there is a justified reason why uni is being hard

Leamington99 · 26/10/2017 03:44

I work full time, with full time uni (London student life) and it’s definitely doable and not unheard of, you just have to be highly motivated and take responsibility for your uni work because you can easily fall off. If she wasn’t working, she’d be with her friends more and have more study dates/library after seminars or whatever which is an easier way to get on top of things. It’s on her really, if she’s overwhelmed she needs to work less

As far as a death certificate goes, they probably only asked because she mentioned that someone died as opposed to saying she was ill or whatever. I doubt anything negative will come from missing one seminar, or for not supplying the death certificate. She’s not going to get kicked out

MyDearAnnie · 26/10/2017 04:28

either the university are being unreasonable or she is lying to you about the situation and there is a justified reason why uni is being hard

This was my thought too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/10/2017 04:40

Can you get one for her and discreetly give it to the university? Explain she is adamant she won’t. They can then perhaps have a change of heart and let her do the seminar. It sounds heartless they’re insisting on this. But a poster upthread said the same about their grandparent dying. And it has been illustrated why she may be disbelieved.

MyDearAnnie · 26/10/2017 05:17

Can you get one for her and discreetly give it to the university? Explain she is adamant she won’t

Er, whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation, do not do this!

She is an adult and is making her own decision, the OP has no right to undermine her by thinking they know better.

And the university wouldn't collude with the OP either, as it is an insitution for adults, staffed by adults for the education of adults.

Notanumberuser · 26/10/2017 06:00

Why would you even think that a university would accept a random person giving in a random birth certificate ? That could relate to anyone, literally.

And you know that death of a granny/funeral of a cousin some distance away are two of the most common excuses students think up for missing seminars, don’t you?

sashh · 26/10/2017 06:05

I had to have proof of my grandmother's death to get travel expenses from the DWP. The priest doing her funeral wrote a letter for me.

Could she get something like that, from the funeral director's, priest / vicar etc?

Was there an announcement in the paper?

SandyDenny · 26/10/2017 06:31

Without any proof that the person whose death certificate is provided has any connection to the student this seems an odd policy.

It is open to all kings of abuse, as posters have said if death certs can be obtained by anyone how does it prove anything at all

I'm not exactly sure what a second cousin is but I know it wouldn't be classed as a close relative, I can see why the uni might be sceptical

Notanumberuser · 26/10/2017 06:37

It’s the parents cousin’s child. So share a common grandparent with the op parent ie a common great grandparent with the op I think .

It’s way far out, to be fair.

Tinysarah1985 · 26/10/2017 06:37

It may seem harsh and insensitive but most will need it as evidence as, sadly, in thr past students have made up the death of relatives to get extensions in assignements etc.
When my grandfather died I needed to provode them a copy of his death certificate in order to apply for mitigating circumstances for my assignment. My nan didn’t mind at all when I asked her a copy -in fact she had a load of copies of it ready (as my sister and cousin were also at uni at the time).
Seems harsh and insenstive of them but unfortunately they do need proof.

Ktown · 26/10/2017 06:53

There was a 'joke' at uni that exam periods were an extremely dangerous time for grandparents (and other family members) and their risk of dying rockets at certain important times of the year.
Basically they are being suspicious.
It sounds like she will be penalised but there isn't much she can do.

Flip

1 2 3 4