To think there is a psycho parent in my DC's class?

[Peregrane]

DC had his fourth birthday recently and we invited the children he is friendly with to our house for a small party. There were only two from his class that we invited (won't bore you with the reasons), one of whom was his "best friend" from the start (i.e. when they started at 3 years old, as they do in this country - we have moved abroad).

I had slipped the invitations for the classmates discreetly into their school bags that are hanging outside the classroom. That very day we received the invitation to his "best friend" back through our letterbox, with a message scribbled on it to say that sorry but the child cannot attend the party.

We were a bit sad for my DC but these things can happen. I thought it was weird though that the "best friend"'s mum did not say anything about it when we coincided at drop-off over the next few days. Long story short, it came up in the end after the party actually took place, and the best friend's parents claimed that they never received the invitation! They took the trouble to verify that I really put the invitation into the right schoolbag, walked back to the classroom to check the correct peg etc.

The only alternative explanation I can think of is that another parent saw when I slipped in the invitation, got miffed that their child was not invited, fished out the invitation from the "best friend"'s bag and maliciously replied with the rejection. It sounds too crazy to be true, right? But it also doesn't make sense for the best friend's parents to have rejected the invite and then to lie about it.

AIBU to think that one of the parents in this class is completely nuts? And what do I do if it's the queen bee mother who spends all the time at drop-off and pick-up monopolising the school staff, and generally acting like she runs the place? She does have a slightly deranged look about her (

Yep, had a lengthy discussion about the bag. It's the only one with a certain Disney character on it. There is only one child with that name in the class. I put the invite into the only bag that looks like her bag, that was hanging on the peg with her name on.

Speaking directly to the parents is obviously superior. But we never coincide at pickup (their child stays for after-school care, mine is picked up earlier), and we only occasionally coincide at drop-off (which happens over a period of half an hour, and they usually come and leave before we get there) . Plus at drop-off there are several parents on the corridor and I did not want to cause any hard feelings or make it too obvious that we are only inviting a few children. I thought that slipping two envelopes into two schoolbags was more discreet.

Another possibility: the invite fell out of the bag, and the teacher popped it back into the wrong one.

Did you address the invitations by name? So that if you'd accidentally slipped it into the wrong bag the recipient would have known it was not meant for them?

When it came back saying "the child cannot attend", was the invitee's actual name used?

But you spoke to the dad before the party? And he said they’d probably be able to make it?

Sounds to me then like the mum is trying to discourage the friendship, or cba, or just didn’t want to go. Some people just don’t do parties.

The palaver over the right bag sounds like protesting too much.

Yes, good call MuseumOfCurry

Either way, I'd bet my life the invitation was in the wrong bag, no matter how it got there.

TO ALL THE PEOPLE SAYING INVITE WENT IN WRONG BAG:
if I read OP's OP correctly, invite came back with 'sorry INVITED CHILD'S NAME cannot attend.'
If it went in sally's bag by mistake, sally's mum half-read it, and assumed it was for sally, she would write 'sorry, sally cannot attend.'

If this is not the case, apologies, but that is how I read OP, and what makes the situation weird.

To answer the other questions:
"So your dc managed not to say anything to 'best-friend' in all the organising process and even thereafter? Really? hmm
And your using the word 'psychopath' to illustrate this?
try harder"

• Vladimir, I really don't think my child said anything about the party at school. The reason being that until recently he hardly interacted with the other children in his class, except with "best friend", and he barely spoke ever, as confirmed by his teacher. The school is not English-speaking, nor is his little friend, and my child is only now picking up the confidence (and the language, apparently). When there are specific things he wants to say to his teacher or to other children in class, he asks me in advance how to say it in that language.

• The invitation named the child - it was even addressed to her in her home language, which is neither English nor the majority language here. The rejection also specifically said that "child named X" cannot attend. She is the only one with that name in the class.

I’d ask for her phone number for future invitations. Really weird, I agree.

If someone did do it on purpose, then they aren´t very smart. Because now you on onto them and will do invites differently in future.

I think there is an issue with 'best friend's' mum. How well do you know her OP?

Should have added to the above: my DC has not interacted verbally until recently, but he has obviously played with "best friend" child. Just with the communication restricted to gestures and basic words, mostly. Keep in mind they have only just turned 4, and it's not unusual here that children don't speak the majority language at first.

reallyanotherone, that's what I thought at first, but they came across so surprised and sincere when I bumped into them after the party. If they just wanted to shake me off, why lie about the rejection instead of "sorry, I checked and we did have a prior engagement" or something along those lines? Or go to the length of going back to the classroom with me to check I got the correct peg, or say "it's a pity, next time then"! They are not English so not under a cultural compulsion to avoid conflict and communicate in code :)

Could it be possible a gram or childminder picked the child up that day and took it upon themselves to reject it?

Very weird. I'd put money on a disgruntled parent unhappy their dc hadn't been invited or with a weird grudge against ds's' friend.

I think now you should:

1. Swap phone numbers with ds's friend's parents.
2. Invite friend for a play date to make up for missing the party and to support the friendship bonds your ds is building.
3. Inform the class teacher that this happened in an isn't this strange, please keep an eye out for odd goings on type of way

Is that not a tad sexist? Why might it not be the other way around?

Mainly because the mum has had a conversation with the OP about it and denied all knowledge.

So ok I revise my suspects:

1. Thoughtless or otherwise nasty dad who apparently is good at feigning ignorance in a quick convo with the op.
2. Astonishing liar mum who had a long convo with the OP including walking in to look at pegs/bags.
3. Invite somehow gets into wrong bag and parent who rsvps for some reason used the invited child's name instead of their own child's name when refusing.
4. The OPs original suggestion that an adult did it for unknown nefarious reasons.

To be honest I'm with the OP here.

Inviting friend round for a play date would have the added bonus of 'testing out' the reaction of the friend's parents. If they make excuses or are unwilling they may well be the weird ones. If they gladly accept and your ds has a good time with his mate then you'll know they're not the ones avoiding you.

Plus otherwise they may well think you're the one telling lies about the invitation ever existing in the first place

What was the handwriting like in the message on the returned invitation and what language was it in? Could it have been the work of a disgruntled older sibling?

My money's on jealous psycho parent! If best friend's parents, for whatever reason, didn't want to encourage their child's friendship with yours, all they had to do was politely decline citing a prior engagement. Why on earth would they want to go through the pantomime of pretending never to have received the invitation?

Do you really think a parent would take an invite out of another child's bag and decline it and return it to your child from spite? In the nicest possible way, I don't think your kids party is that important, especially when he doesn't have much to do with the other kids anyway.

People are generally complete nutters but to jump to that conclusion is just odd.

More likely explanations:

1. Bag belonged to another child with the same/similar name as the friend. Bags get put on wrong pegs all the time especially if the children have the same name. Far more likely than psycho parent.
2. Parents filled it out and don't want to tell you for whatever reason. The way the dad stopped mid sentance might have been not to ask the mum but more "oops. We agreed we said we couldn't go". People can go to extreme lengths to cover lies. Was it you or them that showed the peg etc?
3. There are lots of languages going on. Something lost in translation? Unlikely but possible.

I doubt pyscho parent very much.

Anyway, I hope your son had a lovely birthday.

I was going to ask the same. What language did the mystery person use to reject the invitation? The same language as "best friend"'s family? English? Majority language?

So surely that narrows the pool? If the children aren't speaking English in day-to-day interaction and indeed it's typical for them to still be picking up the 'local' language and if the invite was addressed in 'best friend's' language which you say is another language then it can only be a certain/select amount of people?
None of this makes that much sense.

I went to international school and many of us had different 1st languages but if someone had addressed my letter in say e.g. German or Danish then it'd be pretty easy to work out who spoke that language natively and decisively.

The rejection was handwritten in the majority language (it was not wobbly, so it was not by a youngish child). The invitation was in English (except for the part addressing the child), as it tends to be spoken by expats (which best friend's family are as well). Even in the unlikely case they didn't speak English, the format and main words were pretty universal: Dear X, Party, address, date, telephone number...

(I would have done the invitation in the majority language but it would have taken me more time, so I kept postponing it until I really needed to just pass on the invitations for the sake of decency. When I actually spoke to the parents it was in the majority language, again for politeness for the sake of those around us. I'll try English on them next time!)

The language issue would not have been a source of confusion in this environment, but the fact that the rejection was in the majority language rather than in English is, I guess, a piece of information... (where the two most likely cases are: 1. it was written by a local, or 2. it was written by an uneducated expat/immigrant. The school is completely mixed in that regard. Best friend's father wears posh Italian suits with expensive shoes, and the chances that he would have issues with an invite in English are next to nil.)

So imagine the best friend is German and called Heidi. The invite looked like the equivalent of

"Liebe Heidi,

PeregraneDC is having his birthday party on...."

Most adults speak the local language, which is not German in this example, and most adults speak English as well. The kids speak a bunch of languages from home, the official school language is the local language which many but not all of the kids speak as well (my DC felt that he was the only one in his class who does not speak it well, but that is not the case).

And believe me, I agree that all of this, including my hypothesis, is very odd! But so is the alternative explanation that best friend's parents are behind the rejection and then went through all this palaver to cover it up.

ohh intriguing.

I am loving this thread and picturing everything you describe. I long to know what country to form a richer picture in my head.

Also
But we never coincide at pickup
I love this expression 'to coincide'. It sounds sophisticated and i am burning to use it sometime in the context of a school run.

OP this story is unnerving .

Fell out kids bag. Opened by creepy finder regardless of language. Both kids’names are there so much plus your address. It could have been picked up anywhere, not even in school. Say it he’ll out at a supermarket or something.

There’s nothing in this that says it’s specufically someone from school or not. Let it go and make sure you actually speak to parents next time.