To be furious over MIL throwing our 1 year old around!

[HappinessAlwaysAhead]

I’m a frequent mumsnetter but I have NC for this so I don’t put myself.

We live in the South of England and have the inlaws visiting this weekend. I’ve had a multitude of issues with our inlaws, very much justifiably and you lot have been a great help on numerous occasions.

Basically DH has vowed to be less of a pushover with them and pull them up for the things they do that aren’t okay.

So PIL’s are staying at a hotel and we popped round for a while this afternoon. We went up for a look in their room and our DDS (4 & 1) we’re getting a little bored. DH and I started having a little rough & tumble with them on the bed as DD2 especially loves this. MIL started to get involved and let’s just say my heart was in my mouth, she picked up DD2 and was throwing her around like a rag doll, literally I saw her little head flopping around in the air and I felt sick. She was throwing her down onto the bed with far too much force and her little head was just flying around 😱😰 before i’d managed to intervene, DH said, “Mum could you stop that please, she’s only 1”. MIL replied “she’s absolutely fine, it’s not like I’m beating her up”. Typical answer from MIL. Never just “okay, no problem” she always defends herself and leaves me with no confidence that she won’t do it again. In fact I’m pretty confident she will do it again.

When we left the hotel, I explained to my jisbahd that I’m not happy and that I wish he’d said something like “I’m the parent and I don’t feel comfortable with you doing that to her”. He basically said he doesn’t want to talk about it until the kids are in bed but literally my blood was boiling and my kids safety is my priority and he needs to handle these situations better. DD1 was in the car but I was making sure to talk in such a way that she wouldn’t understand. (Also she was busy playing with her new paw patrol toy so was very much zoned out). Anyway, DH is now very upset with me and says now is not the time to discuss this or to discuss this further with his parents. I just feel at a loss. He promised me things would get better with his parents but now he’s starting to blame me, saying I’m making things worse. All I’m doing is trying to take proper care of my children and put their interests first. So is DH right on this, should I just put up & shut up? I just feel so lost with all of this. He’s through in our living room now with his parents and the kids all happy as Larry, while I’m sat in the kitchen feeling rubbish.

You clearly hate them!
Go NC.
No angst. No hassle!

And again, I know this is a drip feed and I’m accepting that I’m wrong today and I’ve been wrong to get upset with DH. I just want you to understand what’s brought me to this point where yes, I do have a chip on my shoulder. And yes, I am probably being a nightmare DIL. But I’m trying. Every day I spend with them is very hard for me after everything but I still see them because I’m trying to make sure my children have their grandparents in their lives. Even if they do treat me like rubbish.

Some of that is bad.

Some of it is totally normal, though annoying.

If you make massive deal out of everything and have a go at dh for not handling things your way. Then want a massive issue making out of everything. You will destroy your marriage.

You sound like hard work and your DH sounds like he can't win.

I expect there to be bumps in the road along the way with the inlaws, and with my parents for that matter. The problem lies in the fact that we can’t talk things out with them. MIL & FIL have 6 siblings between them and are NC with 5 of them. They have virtually no friends. They are people who a e bitter and hold a grudge and believe they have never put a foot wrong. If we’re unhappy about anything, we can’t bring it up or WW3 begins. They make it impossible to have a healthy relationship with them and seem to have some sort of hold over DH.

They do sound a complete pain.

So don't.
Let DH see them with the kids or just go NC.
You are so incensed with them that you can't differentiate between them being rude, daft, dangerous and you being over protective.

kitsharrington maybe I am the problem they certainly isolate me and make me feel alone and worthless while they’re here. Maybe that’s what I deserve.

We live hundreds of miles apart so I can’t not see them when they’re here.

Don't have them "here"

Op I totally sympathise. I think you are just at the end of your tether with it. I agree with others that your DH isnt to blame but your PIL sound awful.

I would agree with other posters I wouldn't be allowing people who did this to have unsupervised access to my children. Discuss this with DH when he calms down but IMO they need to know they won't be allowed unsupervised access because you cant trust them to stick to your rules with the children. You need to confront them about this or you could write them a lettet but best of you have DH on board with whatever you decide to do. Continue to see them but not unsupervised until children are older and able to tell you what they've been doing with their grandparents.

There it is!!!
I knew we've get a savage drip feed with a sob story to boot!

Wow... yup... quite some drip feed.

I don't think your DP did anything wrong in the moment; you do need to be able to discuss any concerns you have about your DC with him though.

I just simply wouldn't allow unsupervised access with people I'm not comfortable with, it doesn't have to be malicious if you don't want to break down relationships. I would most likely be described as incredibly PFB but there are very few people I trust unsupervised around my child (literally just DH and my mum) and that's just the way it is. Your DP is doing fine, if it's you that's not happy with them being around your DC then you just need to ensure that you're only doing things your okay with.

They do sound really hard work and I can imagine how stressed you must feel even in anticipation of their visits. However you and DH seem to be trying to address it by dealing with single incidents when they happen when actually you also need to anticipate and plan accordingly.

So rather than going over each incident where you were concerned about the children being hurt, do you and DH agree that you both feel they you can’t rely on them to keep the dc from harm? If so you need to agree your approach. So if you are visiting their home and eg the shed is unlocked one of you ask right away “Dad/Fil could you lock the shed please, it’s dangerous for the children and I can’t relax having to chase them away from it every two mins”. If he refuses, repeat. If he still refuses (and this is where you need to be on the same page) you’ll have to leave. And follow through.

You know them well enough now OP to anticipate the problems before they arise, you two just have to agree (and work up the courage) to take steps to avoid the problems. They come to visit and want to see dc in the hotel? “Oh no mil/fil they’ll get bored and play up, we’ll meet you at X place”. They don’t want to? “Oh that’s a shame. Well, we’ll see you another day”.

Right, I know it’s a drip feed. I apologise and acknowledge that. I wrote my OP in the heat of the moment and I now realise I was in the wrong with regards to DH. I just wanted to explain how I’ve got to this point where I’ve totally lost my judgement with regards to my inlaws.

Regardless of how minor your initial post incident sounded your dh needed to back you up. You are the parents not the gps.
My ex ils were very similar. .
Mil had a great list of how things would be when she had our ds x3. She never had them unsupervised. Ever.
Make that your rule.

I feel for you, OP. Your ILs sound like mine. My DCs grew up fearing their GPs. The DCs came to realise that GPs were both narcissistic control freaks who wouldn’t be crossed.

The GPs have both passed away now. My DC don’t hold many fond memories of them.

The book Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward is a good place for you to start.

See they adore the grandchildren and spoil them rotten with attention. They adore DH but despise me as they blame me for everything. I think my DDs will grow up loving them and I’ll jist be made to feel like some worthless inconvenience that they wish wasn’t in the picture.

I think you should apologise to your DH. He did speak up, which stopped MIL, and I agree with him about waiting until you were home and the children were out of earshot, before discussing it.

It sounds to me that you're not happy because they don't respect your decisions as parents, that because they're older, they know best and that would piss me off too.
If you get a comment like that from your FIL again about it not doing his kids any harm then say something like "that's absolutely fine. You carry on doing that with YOUR kids (doesn't matter that they're adults) but you will NOT be doing it with mine! You've had your turn at parenting and now it's our turn, STOP overruling my parental judgement."

I’ve apologised to DH, I was in the wrong here for definite.