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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious over MIL throwing our 1 year old around!

97 replies

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:14

I’m a frequent mumsnetter but I have NC for this so I don’t put myself.

We live in the South of England and have the inlaws visiting this weekend. I’ve had a multitude of issues with our inlaws, very much justifiably and you lot have been a great help on numerous occasions.

Basically DH has vowed to be less of a pushover with them and pull them up for the things they do that aren’t okay.

So PIL’s are staying at a hotel and we popped round for a while this afternoon. We went up for a look in their room and our DDS (4 & 1) we’re getting a little bored. DH and I started having a little rough & tumble with them on the bed as DD2 especially loves this. MIL started to get involved and let’s just say my heart was in my mouth, she picked up DD2 and was throwing her around like a rag doll, literally I saw her little head flopping around in the air and I felt sick. She was throwing her down onto the bed with far too much force and her little head was just flying around 😱😰 before i’d managed to intervene, DH said, “Mum could you stop that please, she’s only 1”. MIL replied “she’s absolutely fine, it’s not like I’m beating her up”. Typical answer from MIL. Never just “okay, no problem” she always defends herself and leaves me with no confidence that she won’t do it again. In fact I’m pretty confident she will do it again.

When we left the hotel, I explained to my jisbahd that I’m not happy and that I wish he’d said something like “I’m the parent and I don’t feel comfortable with you doing that to her”. He basically said he doesn’t want to talk about it until the kids are in bed but literally my blood was boiling and my kids safety is my priority and he needs to handle these situations better. DD1 was in the car but I was making sure to talk in such a way that she wouldn’t understand. (Also she was busy playing with her new paw patrol toy so was very much zoned out). Anyway, DH is now very upset with me and says now is not the time to discuss this or to discuss this further with his parents. I just feel at a loss. He promised me things would get better with his parents but now he’s starting to blame me, saying I’m making things worse. All I’m doing is trying to take proper care of my children and put their interests first. So is DH right on this, should I just put up & shut up? I just feel so lost with all of this. He’s through in our living room now with his parents and the kids all happy as Larry, while I’m sat in the kitchen feeling rubbish.

OP posts:

NicolasFlamel · 22/10/2017 17:37

She brought up your dh ok so I assume she'll be ok with her grandkids
I never understand this way of thinking. A lot of kids grow up to be "okay" in spite of sub par parenting. We should be aiming for more than "okay".

OP your husband did pull her up on it. I really wouldn't allow this to create friction between you two. You could probably be more assertive too. When she replied in a way you didn't like you could have said "We would like you to stop and not do that again please." rather than just keeping quiet.

DanHumphreyIsA · 22/10/2017 17:38

Maybe you should just give your DH a script to use for next time?

He did stop it, but it sounds like you wanted your DH to continue and get the last word in just because?

tazzle22 · 22/10/2017 17:39

You were roughplaying first... she joined in .... your definiations of what is ok differs. If Dc was distressed then i withdraw the above and will aggree wholheatedly with you. Must be hard for the mother of your husband to know what is acceptable and what is not to you ... and that will change according to the age of dc.

Your dh did as you wanted and challenged his mum.... it flipping hard to to that in a way that does not denigrate her skills in raising children. She did manage to drag up her child to be a man you liked enough to have dc with.

MotherofTerror · 22/10/2017 17:40

OP, my mother was just like this. I could explain that there was something I didn't want her to do with my kids and the moment my back was turned she would do it. One example, when my son was a baby we left both kids with them at their house. I reminded mum that she couldn't take the kids in the car as she didn't have a car seat. She agreed. We went out - had forgotten something and went back within 5 minutes. Parents and kids and car all gone, when they got back mum said "I held him on my lap and I knew it was perfectly safe".

No amount of explaining made any difference, she always knew best. I just stopped any unsupervised contact in the end. You may have to do the same.

blanklook · 22/10/2017 17:40

Your DH verbally intervened which is what you'd presumably agreed., You could have physically moved dd out of MIL's reach without saying a word.

MIL & FIL have previous for doing things with the kids that we’ve asked them not to, the minute our backs are turned
Then just keep a closer eye, do not let one of them be with your kids unsupervised, even in your own home.

No unsupervised access at all.

tazzle22 · 22/10/2017 17:41

I withdraw last sentence being someone who turned out ok with shit parenting

Original poster

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:41

Listen, DH & I have confronted them over the things that were worrying us. They stopped speaking to us for 2 months and take no responsibility for anything. We have tried so hard to make things work. I’ve had a lot of people on here telling me DH needs to speak up so that’s what we’re trying to do. Seems I can’t do right for doing wrong. If PILs are here and DH is at work then they end up unsupervised with the kids because I’m not always going to be in the room/ on the same floor of the house as both of the kids plus PIL so at times they are unsupervised.

OP posts:

DanHumphreyIsA · 22/10/2017 17:43

MIL went straight to the toilet as he confronted her and then we left so there was no opportunity for me to get involved before we left

But then that means your DH wouldn’t have had the opportunity to continue either, surely?

PurpleMinionMummy · 22/10/2017 17:43

I'm tempted to say the same thing I say to my kids. Rough housing always ends in tears, don't start it!

Original poster

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:46

Dan yes, that’s true although if it was my DM, I would have said “hold on a minute, I need to talk to you about this before you go to the bathroom”. In all honesty, I find conflict more difficult with them than I do with my own mother. I assume that’s the reason so many mumsnetters have told me in the past that it’s best if it comes from DH.

OP posts:

Ditsy1980 · 22/10/2017 17:47

From what you've said it's not that big of a deal. Even with fil taking your DD into the shed, he was holding her hand and supervising her. It's very different to the poster who's mum or mil didn't use a car seat, which is a real safety issue.

Your DH did tell her to stop. Get on with your day. If you really think your dc are at risk and that your pil don't listen/care don't have them round anymore.

Original poster

HappinessAlwaysAhead · 22/10/2017 17:48

She was throwing a one year old around like a rag doll. It wasn’t a little bit of rough and tumble. She took it far too far and any adult could see that.

OP posts:

Bruceishavingfish · 22/10/2017 17:48

Honestly it sounds like you are detwrmind to fall out over this.

You started rough housing
She joined in and was too rough
Dh intervened
You all then left

You didn't have time to say anything else. So neither did he.

It sounds like you are determind to prove he doesnt do enough when it comes to his mum and want him to have an argument with her.

This will end in tears for you.

Bruceishavingfish · 22/10/2017 17:51

Danyes, that’s true although if it was my DM, I would have said “hold on a minute, I need to talk to you about this before you go to the bathroom”.

Why? It had already been said.

You are making all manber of excuses and justifications to have a go at dh abiut this. She made an excuse/justification an was probably embarrassed. It no different.

Lethaldrizzle · 22/10/2017 17:51

Nicholasflamel yes I would tend to respect my in-laws parenting knowledge if their kids had turned out ok. You are slightly twisting my words.

Sirzy · 22/10/2017 17:52

So it was rough and tumble that maybe went too far so you just say “come on let’s stop now before someone gets hurt” (or even better don’t play rough and tumble in someone else’s hotel room!)

I do think this sounds in a way like your letting your dislike of them turn it into something bigger than it should be

juliantortoise · 22/10/2017 17:52

If I were staying in an hotel and people starting "rough and tumble" on my made up bed I would have objected strongly!! Poor mother-in-law!

Goldmandra · 22/10/2017 17:52

Although it's helpful for it to come from your DH, maybe you could back him up when she argues, e.g. "No MIL, DH is right. Her neck isn't strong enough for that sort of rough play.".

If you and your DH can present a united front, you'll both feel a bit stronger and more able to stand up to them.

wrenika · 22/10/2017 17:53

He asked her to stop and the problem was resolved. I don't see what else you want. A little rough and tumble on a nice soft bed is hardly the end of the world, but he abided by your request and put an end to it.

Honestly, they've succeeded in bringing up their own offspring safely - there's no need to wrap in cotton wool. Although, having said that, I am the daughter of a man who had me in his garage when I was wee. Kept me occupied with a bit of wood, a hammer and some nails when I was a little older! I honestly think that the attitude of not 'excluding' a space but rather engaging with it is better. I knew not to touch certain things. If I'd been kept out and happened to manage to get near one of his tools at some point, I wouldn't have known that they are dangerous.

outofmydepth45 · 22/10/2017 17:55

You sounds like a up tight nutter.

FIL removes all excitement by showing DD what was in the shed, reasonable strategy.

You can throw the kids about But MIL can't.

You would stop someone using the bathroom until you feel they have been told off enough.

Your DH has volunteered to handle his mother because it sounds like you are rather ott

Yabu

DanHumphreyIsA · 22/10/2017 17:55

But if you’ve been tellling to stop this and that for so long and they don’t listen, the only thing you/DH can do is to stop whatever is it there and then, or reduce contact.

Your DD walking towards the shed? You/DH take her from away the shed. Not wait for your FIL to let her go in (when you know it’s likely he will), and then get upset about it.

There would have been no benefit in your DH continuing the conversation, likely causing tension from PIL side if they’re difficult anyway.

I think your DH did what he understood was expected, and saw no reason to try and create a scene.

Wolfiefan · 22/10/2017 17:58

Really don't get why you started to rough and tumble in their hotel room. Really odd

He stopped her. You're still not happy.
You don't trust them. Don't leave the kids alone with them. If you're not both there they can't see the kids?

CamperVamp · 22/10/2017 17:58

They will not listen, however it is said.

So you just need to make sure that they have no unsupervised access.

No amount of saying it the 'right way' will help.

Marcipex · 22/10/2017 18:00

I'd have intervened myself. Anyone who needs to be told not to play that roughly, shouldn't be unsupervised at all.
She shouldn't need telling. If her judgement is that poor, she isn't safe to leave young children with.

cupofchai · 22/10/2017 18:00

Omg just talk to them
Your DH survived
I think you’re being precious

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