Okay, so I’m thinking that what has happened today is a result of 5 years of tension between my inlaws & I and on this occasion, I’ve over reacted. I’m going to have to give you the full background to understand why I’m at my wits end now.
My relationship with my inlaws was perfectly amicable. Not best friends but gone on perfectly well. When I fell pregnant with DD1, things began to change. It started with them trying to force their choice of baby name on us. Buying us things for the baby but giving us no say, choosing the high chair, choosing the bedroom furniture etc. When my mum bought us our pram, FIL lied and said they had already bought us one and “I suppose we’ll have to take it back to the shops now”. That was untrue as MIL said that they hadn’t bought us a pram. God knows why he said it but moving on.
We chose god parents. There was uproar as we didn’t choose their daughter (even though I have 3 sisters). When DD was born she struggled massively with reflux. She was sick constantly which meant she needed to feed very often (breastfed) and also fed for comfort. MIL told me I wasn’t producing enough milk. I told her she was wrong as DD was gaining weight perfectly on the graph and even gained by 5 days old. She was a demanding baby to feed but I was happy with the situation. PIL were not. Me breastfeeding her meant at times she needed her Mum and they didn’t like that. If she wasn’t feeding, MIL would walk over and lift her out of my arms. I was 22 and although this really upset me at the time, I was niaeve to how wrong that was. MIL made frequent phone calls to DH and told him he needed to tell me that I’m not producing enough milk and that these things happen to some women and it doesn’t mean I’ve failed. She’d regularly tell him that even though I kept telling her that DD was getting more than enough. MIL told me that she thought it looked awful when ladies with big chests breastfeed as it “just looks wrong”. FIL can’t be in the same room as me if I’m feeding. He blatantly sees it as something sexual and has even made jokes about it in a sexual manner.
As DD1 grew up, if I ever took her to one side to tell her not to do something, my inlaws would be literally raging. They think kids should get to do whatever they want and I don’t share that sentiment. I like to have some basic rules for them to follow.
If DH said, “DD1, don’t touch that, it’s dangerous”. They’d wait until he’s out the room and take her over to touch it”. With the shed incident, DH & I had gone in the shed with her but she kept trying to touch nails & garden tools and various dangerous things and getting upset when we said “no touch” so we made a rule that the shed would be a no go zone. She was fairly obedient for 18 months so was less bothered by not going in at all than she was by going in and having all the temptation but being told not to touch anything. We told DD not to go in and explained the new rule to PIL and they just completely disregarded it. It’s a “we know best” mentality”.
If the kids misbehave, PIL just sit and laugh uncontrollably even if I’m trying to explain to DDs why the behaviour isn’t okay, they’ll be laughing their heads off in the background. If I ask them to not laugh as I need the kids to understand it’s wrong they say “we can’t help it”.
MIL & FIL are constantly trying to get the kids on their own. Like today, I thought we’d have a day as a family and do something nice together. Their suggestion was that they take the kids out without us. No invite to us and if I said, “oh can I come along” they’re livid. They want to play Mum & Dad and I’m just an inconvenience in the equation. One day DD was a bit tired but was taking a while to go over. FIL kept hassling me to put my finger in his glass of wine and put it in her mouth (she was 6 months old). I said no but he was trying to force me which really upset me. I have no doubt that even if they knew I wasn’t okay with that, they’d do it if I left my kids with them.
DH and I tried to have a chat to them about how we were feeling and some of the things which had upset us in the hope we could resolve things and move forward. Like I said, they didn’t speak to us for 2 months. They took no accountability for anything at all and have hated me even more ever since. They never say anything nice to me, I mean ANYTHING. They’re all over the kids when they’re here but completely alienate me. So yes, I am at my wits end. I’m struggling. I know they love their grandchildren which is why I keep the contact. Even when I was diagnoses with a chronic, life threatening illness, FIL only wanted to know if it was genetic. I told him it wasn’t so he turned back round and carried on watching tv.
Today in the hotel room. It was mil who took the kids shoes off them and put them on the bed and told them to bounce around. By “rough & tumble”, I mean tickling and lightly rolling them around on the bed. She took it faaaaar too far and if you’d have seen it I know many who have disagreed would understand. Hopefully this explains my position more, even though it’ll probably out me.