To not keep this secret anymore (DV related)

[teentraumas]

About 6 months ago we were on our way out to dinner with good friends (who also are our neighbours). They were arguing in the back and he punched her. Lost the plot completely. Anyway, after an evening of sorting out she was safe but still wanting to be with him and some conversations about it she went home but not until she had told us the extent of the abuse. He does not know that we know the extent of everything. Dh and I decided actually that the friendship was never going to recover and we didn’t want to be friends particularly with him. We have gone on the last few months with just courteous hellos on the drive only. We have not told anyone
Fast forward to this week and our neighbour is being an arse and has clearly told their family a different reason as to why our friendship ended and we are being blanked and they are playing the victim. I am probably Abu , but I feel I want to tell people the real reason we are no longer friends
AIBU?

What do yoi think will happen to her if you start telling people?

I would agree with you except that If it’s a domestic violence situation you could make it much worse for her by outing him.

You thought the best course of action after a female friend disclosed dv was to henceforth blank her ?

Dick move

No, definitely don't do that. Your friend will be the one to suffer.

And what AF has just said. You seem more concerned about what people think of you than your friend's safety and wellbeing.

You thought the best course of action after a female friend disclosed dv was to henceforth blank her?

Dick move

Couldn't agree more

So to clarify, you dumped a friend that is a domestic violence victim and now want to blab your mouth off about it??

You and your DH sound like arseholes

No. Telling everyone could contribute to him taking it out on her. Yes that's his decision but why would you want to risk being the catalyst for that just to save face? Your social standing/reputation is less important than another person's safety.

You sound horrible. You're the one who's behaved badly here imo

I haven’t blanked her, they are blanking us!
We couldn’t sit round a dinner table with them laughing and joking with them with what I know
And I kinda know aibu and deep down i know i cant

WTF is wrong wth you OP? Your neighbour is being abused by her husband, and you decide the best thing to do is blank her? Really?!

So wait, she was attacked in your presence, and had the courage to reveal the extent of the abuse, and you decided you didn't want to be friends anymore? I just can't even with this.

You backed off the friendship with BOTH of them.

Why couldnt you still be friends with her?

You ditched her.

Words actually fail me! You should be ashamed of yourself.

They are our neighbours. I don’t spend time with her alone ever. Never have done. I made it clear if she ever needed me I was around.

So you are all telling me that you would continue socialising with someone who was an abuser?

You could've started to socialise with just her! But basically you've dropped her because she's a victim of DV

And now you want to blab about it. Honestly, you sound like horrible people.

If you can't bring yourself to support this woman then the very least you can do is not make her situation worse by telling other people.

I would if it meant I could support the abused party. And the knowledge of her predicament would make me want to make the time to spend with her alone.
My ex used to hit me, quite badly at times, and I am infinitely grateful I had supportive people around me. My friends didn't abandon me because I hadn't the strength to leave him as soon as they found out about the abuse.

You have acted like being a victim of dv is 1) contagious and 2) a terrible social faux pas

Fuck me

Yes I would have made an effort to socialise with her. And support her to leave/go to the police.

Well, it is terribly crass to be friends with violent thugs isn't it? What would the other neighbours say?

What AF said with bells on - dick move. No wonder she's blanking you.

I think you should have reported the assault to the police immediately.

Op, this woman reached out to you and you let her down

And now she is siding with her abuser to save herself. Go read up on the dynamics of dv and educate yourself, it's not fucking rocket science

Why haven't you made a point of finding some 'alone' time with the victim? Why haven't you encouraged her and supported her to get help?

What can you do ? She has decided for the time being to remain in a relationship with him . You and your DH don't want to socialise with him because of what you know about him as a person , but you only ever socialised with them as a couple . TBH I think if you suddenly started to try and socialise with just her , she probably wouldn't be allowed out with you , given that you know too much . I wonder if their other friends and family are aware ?

You seem more concerned with what other people think of you than her safety.

From her POV, she disclosed, and you backed off from her. She knows she cant rely on your for support. She's still with him.
If you go public about his abuse she is likely to deny it, and you could make life more unsafe for her.
Just suck it up or lie, say you backed off over money or something.