To not keep this secret anymore (DV related)

[teentraumas]

About 6 months ago we were on our way out to dinner with good friends (who also are our neighbours). They were arguing in the back and he punched her. Lost the plot completely. Anyway, after an evening of sorting out she was safe but still wanting to be with him and some conversations about it she went home but not until she had told us the extent of the abuse. He does not know that we know the extent of everything. Dh and I decided actually that the friendship was never going to recover and we didn’t want to be friends particularly with him. We have gone on the last few months with just courteous hellos on the drive only. We have not told anyone
Fast forward to this week and our neighbour is being an arse and has clearly told their family a different reason as to why our friendship ended and we are being blanked and they are playing the victim. I am probably Abu , but I feel I want to tell people the real reason we are no longer friends
AIBU?

I think op, from what I've read it takes someone a long time to be ready to leave an abuser...I'm sure she would really value your friendship..

I think people are being too harsh. It is not the OP's responsibility to get this woman out of her situation, and it sounds like for now, she has no intention of leaving. On the night in question, they made sure she was safe, got the whole story, presumably did encourage her to leave, and then the woman didn't want to.

If they are not close personal friends already, more neighbours you go and have a drink with, I wouldn't want to be going forward into that situation unless the woman seemed very keen for my help although I may have called the police initially as you don't always need victim consent for reporting/criminal prosecution.

I wouldn't be wading into a violent relationship with my neighbours on a social level, only report to police if I heard it had happened again (which is what I suggest the OP does if she hears of or wants to support her neighbour) or give her the Women's Aid details.

I wouldn't be calling in trying to separate her away from him if he's violent and she doesn't seem to want to leave when you never called for coffee before- you may be inflaming a situation you are not professionally equipped to help.

You could've started to socialise with just her!

Exactly this. Please try to just socialise with her on her own and to support her (actively, not just by saying that you'll be there for her if/when she needs you),

Could them trying to get her on her own and socialise just with her, especially when the man has now decided they are 'non persons' and is blanking them not be quite dangerous? Surely defying him or going around having secret conversations/phone calls/coffees is going to leave the wife open to more violence?

Some of this is quite simplistic advice, I don't think you should just insert yourself into this situation if you really don't know them very well. Phone the police if there's any hint of repetition, it would have been better if they had been called the first time.

I think what op thinks of the woman is clear when she says they didn't want to be friends anymore, particularkly with the DH. So not just the DH, quite what the woman has done apart from being a punch bag is a mystery..

It does reek of "but what will people think?".

I read this as - we don't want to go around for dinner anymore. I personally think that's fair enough, I wouldn't either.

It doesn't sound like they ever socialized separately, so the OP hasn't dropped that form of socializing, has she?

The question is, can she start up a new form of social interaction just with the wife without it having negative ramifications. Perhaps not, it's hard to judge, the OP knows the situation best.

Nobody has said op should have "inserted" herself into the situation, stupid straw man argument

It is clear from the op this abused woman was quickly dropped like a hot potato for the sake of appearances.

There is a middle ground and op missed a chance to take it

She may have no choice but to blank you if she’s living in fear of him and his next move inside their four walls when he finds any reason to use her as a punchbag.

So, as much as you know the truth, for her sake and her sake alone, just keep it polite and don’t worry that others may have been told a tale laying blame at your door as to why you’re no longer friends.

I don’t think I could socialise with him after that incident either, but I’d definitely maintain a cheery ‘neighbourly’ greeting when the moment arises.

Horrible situation. I do sympathise.

Do you see her outside at all on her own ? or know where she works ? If you see her on the drive or in the garden , could you remind her that you are there for her if she ever needs you ? Only you know if you think she will accept an invitation out , just the two of you , but in your shoes I would try if possible .

Did both you and your dh witness the original violence? If so why did your dh not step in at the time?

I would keep quiet about the things she told you, but I'd be telling the world about what you witnessed. He can't blame her for that - you were there, you saw it yourself.

You've stated they're not only neighbours but also good friends which is different to just living next door to them.

As friends, you should let her know you are there for her despite her DH throwing shade on your relationship. With any luck, the light will come on in her head and she'll leave him then the truth will come out in the wash anyway.

I have a difficult situation with my neighbours because they decided to take my exH's side when he spun them a tale about me to justify him being violent. They bought it and now I try to keep out of their way which is very stressful.

The bit I can't understand is that you and your husband did nothing when you saw/heard a man punching another person in your car????

OP youve done nothing wrong. It's obvious what's happened here. You witnessed DV. She opened up to you and then massively regretted it as has no plans to leave right now. Your relationship has now soured on both sides, he's made up a story to save face and you want to tell the truth as your angry.

Obviously you're going to have to keep shtum until something else happens that might enable you to tell the truth. Is there any opportunity to catch her alone or do you think she'd rather you kept out of it for now? I think it would be helpful if she knew she could come over for help and support if she was scared but DV situations are very complex and she might not be ready to admit the gravity of the situation just yet.

No, sorry. Two people witnessed an assualt. I've never seen anyone punch anyone except in a street brawl. It upset me greatly. I can't actually fathom not calling the police

assault

So you've not told her your door is always open to her?
You've not given her details of WA? Or any local DO,estimate abuse services?
You've just shut the door in her face?
You're seriously considering telling everyone her husband punches her to save your own reputation. Fucking hell!

"...we are being blanked and they are playing the victim."

She is victim to DV.

She is not "playing the victim".

And yet you are feeling blanked and treated unfairly?

I'm sorry but I'm with the op! It's not her job to make this woman leave her violent bf and if she doesn't want to quite frankly I would distance myself aswell. I'm sure the woman can google if she wants the number for WA.

THEY are playing the victims for being blanked the op said which clearly means they are acting as though they've been blanked for no reason, why twist it.

Am I the only one to wonder why on a parenting website , not one of us has asked about children ? Does the friend have children OP ?

frumpety I was about to ask the same thing. If they have DC I would be calling the police. I grew up with abuse and had no choice as a child and I have no sympathy with DM's who refuse to leave and put the DC in danger.

OP, I think you've been given a hard time on here, I'd distance myself too.

I did wonder the children thing but tbh I thought it would have been mentioned if there was as surely it would be relevant.

Surely you should make the effort to befriend her?!

Can’t you invite her for a girls night out to the cinema