Dh always says he grew up poor. I’m sceptical.

[CredulousThickos]

He bases this on the fact they had a black and white telly until he was a teenager, no phone until he was 15, they never had a car and they went to the Isle of Wight on the train for their holidays.

He says I grew up rich because we had two tellies (one was black and white though!), a phone, two cars at times and a home computer. Oh and we went to France twice.

I reckon he’s barking. Our dads both had very similar jobs and bought their (very similar) houses for tuppence but then struggled through 15% mortgage rates. We both had piano lessons. Both wore handmade or hand me down clothes and never had Nike trainers or a Mr Frosty. Both families of five.

His parents are now minted (inheritance) and other than a few nice holidays a year they still live very frugally. Same for mine although they eat out a lot too and do have the latest things, Sky, big tv etc. ILs still have an old CRT tv and a video recorder.

So my theory is that they are just frugal people who don’t put any importance on technology or ‘things’, and that his tales of abject poverty are flights of fancy.

The funny part is, when we met he had a flat furnished with stuff he’d been given (most of it went in a skip when I moved in, I’m not kidding when I say it was grim, the sofa was falling apart). He didn’t have a landline or a pc and his mobile was a Nokia Brick (this was only 11 yers ago). He wasn’t poor at all. So his theory holds no water.

He won’t have it though. And he says I’m seeing it from my ivory tower of a privileged upbringing.

WIBU to ask his mum at Sunday lunch tomorrow?

(Lighthearted obviously before you all roast me).

If you think you grew up either poor or wealthy, what were the signifiers? Because IMO we both grew up in relative comfort.

I don't think gloating was OP's intention "Cokes". I think it started as semi-lighthearted.

But it's salutary that so many people, even now, have had, or still have lives of absolutely abject poverty. People aren't "living the dream" on benefits, no matter what the politicians may have you think.

Wow. No, not to gloat or anything remotely similar.

I was just musing really. I really didn’t post to upset anyone.

My mum used to frequently go without meals to feed me and my sister and it wasn't until I was 18 that I realised spaghetti bolognaise had meat in it. She used to use the powdered packet mix with just water...

I had free school meals through school and even at college when I was 16-18 and one of my uncles drove lorries for a fruit and veg place and would drop off the stuff on the turn, the other worked for a dairy and likewise we would get out of date yoghurts from him....

I also had to buy my own leisure clothes through her catalogue from my paper round money age 13 and also buy my own toiletries from then.

Once a year we would go to Butlins in term time about 50 miles from us but it was self catering and mum would collect condiments and sugar from cafes etc for the year running up to it.... but at least we had a holiday :)

Oh and we didn't have a telephone at home and only had a black and white TV until I was 16 in 1988!

We were quite poor, I remember not having a carpet in living room for couple of years. We did eat 3 meals a day but no snacks, I was always hungry! We had a car....a Lada!! I was mortified!!!

Dad had a gambling addiction so some weeks his pay packet was gone by Thursday evening and we literally lived hand to mouth the rest of the week. Mum had several part time cleaning jobs and several of her clients gave her food and extra money when we were having a bad week. It was tough but were we poor, not really we got by and it made us appreciate what we have now.

Don't worry Credulous = most of us appreciate that you didn't;t intend to cause upset.

I think it's just given a lot of people the opportunity to say what their lives were like and how it affected them. Perhaps some of us needed to share this.

Some of this is generational. Both my parents were brought up in boarding school during rationing, and taught very firmly not to expect/want treats of any kind. It was pretty much a sin to indulge at all. They still use words like 'naughty' if they ever buy something, or say 'I'm going to treat myself.' They're worth a couple of million pounds (although gradually spending it as they get older and need more help) but still talk as if they can't afford things.

OP - it does sound like your parents shared/spent more of the family income on general things for you kids, whereas your DH's parents saved more. That would make him feel like he had less stuff than you did, even if the family income was the same.

It's all relative OP, though just ask your DH was he on free school meals, that should sort it.

I grew up with the frosty bedroom windows, no 'phone or car, but then no-one else had them, either. Didn't know anyone with a phone or car until I went to secondary school in the 60s. All primary school meals were free, so that marker was absent.

I knew we were poor because other people gave us clothes. Second hand school uniform. We never went on holiday, ever. My parents struggled to pay the school meals, the schools never mentioned FSM and my parents never asked. Actually my school behaved like bastards: an important school trip came up and my parents couldn't afford it. I discovered you could get a grant from the county council, so we applied for it and handed the forms in at school. I was called in by the HT and asked if my parents really couldn't afford it. I said no. Utter cunts - they just didn't want charity cases on their hands. Presumably why they never gave out info on FSM.

My Gran lived until she was 93 in a house with only gas (this was in the 70s) She had lived there from being born. 2 up 2 down with seven children. Lived there till it was condemned. Meat only on a Sundays and only then sometimes.

My Dad grew up as one of four. Meat once a week on a Sunday, bread and dripping or bread and butter or similar the rest of the time.

When I was under 10 my Mum lied on a regular basis that she had eaten so to have food for me and my Dad when he came home from work, toys were bought from catalogue return shops at Christmas super cheap because they were broke and 'fixed', hid from debt collectors etc after she lost her job following the death of my sibling.

I have had times where I have kept dc off school because I physically hadn't got a pound to spare for non uniform day and once tried to make something from flour, sugar and water just to eat something.

No money for food at the worst times never mind piano lessons.

Didn't go abroad until I was thirty.

He doesn't sound poor at all.

I do think that material stuff was more expensive in the 70s/80s compared to now.....in relative terms.

We got a VCR in the very early 80s, possibly late 79s. I was the only kid at school who had one. Everyone in the street came to see it. But it cost almost a months wages for my dad who was a teacher.

Poor is having ice on the inside of your windows that freezes the curtains to them, buying food from a shop with plastic food bins and stuff sold loose by weight, having 3 outfits - one for winter, one for summer and one for work.

If his family were not entitled to FSM, then he was not poor.

Cat from Japan, i think it is a form of silencing. It's so strange, i previously worked in government on poverty statistics and all the privileged people around me kept talking about how they needed to research lived experience of poverty. Not one person including me said actually, I can tell you about that. Nobody wants to talk about it, it's shaming. Once I did tell a friend about some of it. She responded with tales about her father's six figure income and how daddy was going to give them the house deposit.

Only gas type lanterns I mean, no electricity.

I think that it might just be a sign of a slightly disordered relationship with money. The feeling that it's somehow 'bad' to be occasionally frivolous. Your family splashed out on some things, so even though it was within their budget it might still give him the feeling that you had more money than sense. Just roll your eyes and ignore it. My Dad said the similar things to my Mum for their whole married life, that she had been unbelievably privileged and he had just an ordinary childhood. Mum's family was very wealthy, it's true, but Dad grew up in a huge, detached house with a big garden, all the children went to private boarding school and they had a live-in maid (both parents born during WW2). His was far from an ordinary childhood, but his father was a scrooge (a reaction I think to being orphaned very young) and had an extremely disordered view of money and I think that affected my Dad more than he wanted to believe. Mum always just rolled her eyes and ignored Dad.

And I grew up poor. Yes to ice on bedroom windows as there was no heating in the bedrooms at all. Hot water only for baths and washing up. Food was from very cheap shops, clothes jumble sales, hand me downs and very cheap shops, paraffin heater in lounge, etc.

If you are going to ask his mum, do so in a Northern accent!

I am living in relative absolute poverty for the Uk and even I know how lucky I am.

Am sitting her burning crap on my fire with the heat off because my children are at their fathers this evening so my heat is off. I have put the hot water bottle in my bed. I have the slow cooker and washing machine set to go on overnight because I have crappy cheap electric on the middle of the night.

But I’m still not really really poor in world terms. And you and your DH most certainly aren’t or weren’t.

'brasty

If his family were not entitled to FSM, then he was not poor'

While I don't think he was poor I actually disagree with that statement. I know an awful lot of single parents who receive working tax credit on very low incomes which means they don't qualify for a lot of the help someone on just CTC would who are REALLY struggling.

My children do t get fsm because I work full time. I am still poor.

Okay they might be poorish, but the poorest families get FSM because they have the lowest income.

@ Archchancellor'sHat

As I get older, I'm getting angrier. I think it's appalling to be forced to carry a sense of shame that should properly be carried by others.

I wonder if it's also a sense of vulnerablility?

(Lots to think about there.)

Brasty.

Not necessarily. I get my income made up with tax credits and when my advisor did the better off cslailations I’m not better off working by anything when travel costs are taken into account. If I was not working my children would get fsm.

"I didnt have a computer or a phone....waah!" does not mean they were poor, tell him from me to give his Little Lord Fauntleroy act the heave ho.

Suggest he volunteers at a food bank for a few weeks so he can get an idea of what real poverty is.

I am 2 years older than him. We had a black and white TV, no microwave or dishwasher etc. A S/C week in the UK was our holiday, usually Blackpool. We did go to the Isle of Wight once in a hotel but it was considered very posh and had to be saved up for for 2 years instead of the normal 1.

We didnt have brand names but we did have food. We didnt have new clothes except at Easter and Xmas, everything else was home made or hand me downs from cousins.

But we had food, we had a roof. We didnt have cenral heating or double glazing until the 80's but we didnt suffer.

Having been the parent who looked at the money in my purse and realised it was a straight choice between feeding the kids for a week or feeding us all for 3 days, he knows FUCK ALL about being poor.