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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potential family CF coming for Christmas - what to do?

55 replies

TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 16:48

Have a bit of a tricky situation to resolve.

We normally have a big family
Christmas each year with my Mum's side of the family, and all stay together for a few days. My Mum has two sisters, who she's really close to. One of her sisters (my aunt), hosts Christmas. There are normally around nine of us.

Anyway, since last year (so just for last Christmas so far), my Mum's cousin's son (B) came to stay with his wife and son. He's not at all close to us. He asked my lovely, lovely aunt if he could come last year invited himself, and she said yes.

I really don't mean this to sound harsh, but I'm really tired, and just want to get my point across.

B is quite difficult to be with - he will talk at people about whatever he's interested in, and not let them get a word in edgeways. He does this all the time. Even on phone calls. He'll ring a family member up, and spend there or four hours on the phone with them only talking about stuff that he's interested in.

He also never helps out. Everyone else just pitches in, helps with food shopping and costs, is happy to do so and is aware that this is what is expected. Normally, it's lovely, and I really look forward to Christmas.

B sat back and is waited on. He also never thanked anyone for his Christmas presents we got him. His wife had to thank everyone. We all spent quite a bit of money on him. He bought me a tin of Vaseline. I know it's better to give than to receive etc etc, but it pissed me off that he didn't even say thank you for anything. It was almost like he just assumed that we would put him up, feed him and buy him expensive presents because we're (distant) family.

Anyway.... (sorry -promise I'm getting to the point!) Unfortunately, this year, it's really shit but my aunt's work won't give her any time off. She's 'off' until 4pm on Christmas Eve, I think, and then working on Christmas Day, I think.

AIBU to ask if there's any way that we can ask DAunt whether gently saying to B that he couldn't come would be an option? Or, if B does come, how can I/we manage everything? Just the idea of B coming is really stressing me out.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 21/10/2017 16:54

Best way round it might be for someone else to host this year, where there will not be room for B and family. (You could always change back to aunt's at last minute, if B won't find out?) But it might be nice to give aunt a year off!

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/10/2017 16:54

Well no you can’t ask your Aunt to tell B he can’t come! If you don’t want him in your house don’t host Christmas. You haven’t even said who is hosting this year or whether he has said he’s coming to stay etc.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 21/10/2017 16:55

" B as Christmas will be different, more hands on this year , can you bring the pudding/chocolates/wine"
Then he knows that he needs to contribute.

Give him something very useful but cheap-as-chips ( Vaseline as a present Xmas Shock )

Are you hosting or will it still be at your Aunts but different time?

Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 16:56

Thanks for the replies, everyone :)

My aunt's hosting it this year. She wouldn't be able to come if my parents host it, as they live really far away from her and DUncle, and she's working over Christmas :(

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 16:58

Last year, he rang my Aunt for her birthday (mid-November), and asked her then if he could come for Christmas.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 21/10/2017 16:59

Sorry am confused.

Aunt hosted Christmas last year and this cousin came and you didn't like him.

Aunt is at work on Christmas day this year. Who is hosting?

MyKingdomForBrie · 21/10/2017 16:59

She can’t host if she’s not there?! But no you definitely can’t tell her to tell one of her guests they can’t come, what are you thinking? That’s very rude of you. If she didn’t like him then it would be her choice to not invite him this year. If he doesn’t get involved just give him jobs to do. Buy him a tin of Vaseline for a present. Just don’t let him take up his much headspace.

PlateOfBiscuits · 21/10/2017 17:00

70isaLimitNotaTarget has got it bang on. Just tell him what he needs to contribute and on the day order him about a bit and for goodness sake don’t buy him anything expensive if it’s going to wind you up!

Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 17:01

Aunt is still hosting even though she is working. We will all help out.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 17:01

Really good idea about not letting him take up too much headspace/buying him something inexpensive/asking him to help out :) thanks :)

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 21/10/2017 17:04

Sorry x-post!

You could try saying that if he is coming, you'll stay at home, thanks, but . . . mmmm . . . bit rude.

Is there a chance that

a) Aunt is let it be known that she is working on Christmas Day so that she can use this as an excuse to put off cousin if he asks to come. Come the day, she will suddenly be free.
or
b) Aunt has let it be known that she is working Christmas in the hope that someone else will offer to host.
and/or
c) Aunt invited ghastly cousin in the hope that none of you would come back this year
or
d) Aunt has offered to work Christmas Day as she knows ghastly cousin is coming and thinks that her Christmas Day will be ruined anyway so she might as well work

MatildaTheCat · 21/10/2017 17:07

Why not ask her if she wants him there? If it's a no then he just needs telling that no, not this year as it doesn't suit. If she says yes, then help with the preparation by allocating everyone their contributions, including him and also giving him plenty of jobs on the day.

Can't help re the bad manners and loud talking unless anyone has a dog that needs to be walked for a nice long way to get rid of him for a while?

Allthebestnamesareused · 21/10/2017 17:11

Buy him an inexpensive present.

As everyone is pitching in because Aunt is working agree with all the others privately that you'll send out a family email either allocating stuff to bring or asking people to sign up to things to bring.

Allocating usually works if you agree with the main "cooks" what they actually want to do.

then you allocate CF cousin things such as Christmas crackers for x people, Christmas Pudding to serve X or cheese and biscuits or tin of Quality Street or wine - so things that he doesn't have to prepare but can just buy (on the basis that he is lazy and is therefore more likely to comply if its things he just needs to buy

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/10/2017 17:13

I'd give him back the Vaseline, given he thought it was such a great present!

MaderiaCycle · 21/10/2017 17:15

I suppose for me, it's how you would feel if they did something like that to you. Pretty shitty I would suspect. Think there's something else going on here rather than just bad manners (hours on the phone on a particular subject, unable to pick up cues about social behaviours etc). Everyone is different and family is family. Where else would B and his wife be for christmas? If you were all together and they would be excluded.............

RedSkyAtNight · 21/10/2017 17:18

And I thought Christmas was the season of good will...

ijustwannadance · 21/10/2017 17:19

If you all buy him really nice gifts and wait on him hand and foot he will come every year!

Get him one of those gift sets with the little tins of different vaselines in as a joint present off everyone.

Ilovefoodtoomuch · 21/10/2017 17:19

I'm lost - is B your Mums cousins Son ? Or one of your Aunts Son ?

If it's a Cousins Son, then no one should feel obliged to have him. If he's one of your mums sisters son then but more awkward.

How does the Aunt hosting feel ?

Insomnibrat · 21/10/2017 17:19

I think someone else should be offering to host this year, given Aunt's circumstances.

Also, in that scenario, there may not be room for CF-B.

Appuskidu · 21/10/2017 17:19

What relation is this man (your mum's cousin's son) to your aunt?

Why is your poor aunt hosting Christmas again for the second year running even though she is at work?!

I would offer to host at mine and not invite him.

AdalindSchade · 21/10/2017 17:20

Her cousin's son isn't even a very close relative, she's not obliged to host him and his family every Christmas! Your aunt needs to make something up to put him off if she doesn't want him there. He's a CF alright.

AlternativeTentacle · 21/10/2017 17:20

Erm, why are you letting him get away with not helping and buying you vaseline? I mean, who does that?

BoohHumbug · 21/10/2017 17:21

Tell B. "Please put £50 in the kitty, we all have done. Bring wine and candles, Thursday is your turn to cook and you can wash up, too."

AtHomeDadGlos · 21/10/2017 17:23

You can’t really dictate who comes and doesn’t come if you’re not hosting it. You could say to your aunt that he was a pain in the arse last year. And you could always decide not to attend yourself if you know he’s going to be there.

Alternatively, if you both attend, but him a token gift and give himsomething to do - ‘oh B, give us a hand with this’ ‘B, x needs doing’, ‘B seeing as you didn’t cook it’s time to get those marigolds on’ etc.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/10/2017 17:23

He's only stayed once - why worry about where he would go otherwise? He could do what he did previously.