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AIBU?

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Original poster

Potential family CF coming for Christmas - what to do?

55 replies

TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 16:48

Have a bit of a tricky situation to resolve.

We normally have a big family
Christmas each year with my Mum's side of the family, and all stay together for a few days. My Mum has two sisters, who she's really close to. One of her sisters (my aunt), hosts Christmas. There are normally around nine of us.

Anyway, since last year (so just for last Christmas so far), my Mum's cousin's son (B) came to stay with his wife and son. He's not at all close to us. He asked my lovely, lovely aunt if he could come last year invited himself, and she said yes.

I really don't mean this to sound harsh, but I'm really tired, and just want to get my point across.

B is quite difficult to be with - he will talk at people about whatever he's interested in, and not let them get a word in edgeways. He does this all the time. Even on phone calls. He'll ring a family member up, and spend there or four hours on the phone with them only talking about stuff that he's interested in.

He also never helps out. Everyone else just pitches in, helps with food shopping and costs, is happy to do so and is aware that this is what is expected. Normally, it's lovely, and I really look forward to Christmas.

B sat back and is waited on. He also never thanked anyone for his Christmas presents we got him. His wife had to thank everyone. We all spent quite a bit of money on him. He bought me a tin of Vaseline. I know it's better to give than to receive etc etc, but it pissed me off that he didn't even say thank you for anything. It was almost like he just assumed that we would put him up, feed him and buy him expensive presents because we're (distant) family.

Anyway.... (sorry -promise I'm getting to the point!) Unfortunately, this year, it's really shit but my aunt's work won't give her any time off. She's 'off' until 4pm on Christmas Eve, I think, and then working on Christmas Day, I think.

AIBU to ask if there's any way that we can ask DAunt whether gently saying to B that he couldn't come would be an option? Or, if B does come, how can I/we manage everything? Just the idea of B coming is really stressing me out.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 17:27

Maderia he and his family would spend Christmas at theirs. The thing with his behaviour is that even if he might have ASD (which he hasn't been diagnosed with), this doesn't excuse the fact that he's rude in any way.

To the posters who are suggesting that I've written this thread because I'm mean-spirited, I can see where you're coming from - but all I'm going to say is, please don't judge my actions or feelings before you've walked in my shoes.

The main point of my thread is that we have been kind and considerate to him and his family and he has been rude in return. I think that's quite bad behaviour.

I think it's best to go with the suggestion that MyKingdom posted upthread.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 17:28

Absolutely MyBrilliant - I agree.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 21/10/2017 17:28

Was it one of those gift set three for two at boots vaseline things that come in a big tin? If you're not close, I can kind of see why he thought that was an appropriate 'token' gift (with a bit of squinting, admittedly) and he might well have felt sheepish if you presented him with a really nice gift.

He sounds thoughtless at the very least... Is he deliberately setting out to take the piss or has he just not thought 'oh, I wonder if I can help with x?'

The latter you can work with. Get him a cheap token gift and firm instructions.

starving · 21/10/2017 17:32

I can't get over the tin of Vaseline???? Who does that!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/10/2017 17:33

I think if he comes this Christmas, he'll come every Christmas. It will be what they do, in his head. Better to get out of it this year. Or maybe suggest everyone goes to his?!

Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 17:36

What relation is this man (your mum's cousin's son) to your aunt?

He's my Mum's cousin's son (and also my Aunt's cousin's son) because my Mum and aunt are sisters.

OP posts:
nutnerk · 21/10/2017 17:37

I agree with Booh - just be more vocal about what is expected. If he hasn't come before, but you are all in a rhythm, then best just to explain e.g. 'we have all put in about X per person towards food, hope that's ok with you' - if you can let him know in advance, even better, and you can tell him how and when to give so no getting out of it. 'I washed up last night, so its your turn haha' be jokey yet firm. The tone is important - no need to chide or sound angry, just light hearted yet clear reminders.

In terms of gifts, I'm afraid men (in my experience lol) are a bit shit at gifting and if its the first time you've spent xmas together he probably thought no need to go over the top. Now you know and you can dial it down this year.

Unfortunately, your aunt is hosting so it's her call who comes. Just continue to enjoy your day and don't spend time worrying about how annoying he is, pick up on his bad habits so he knows its not ok and then go on with your day.

WitchesGlove · 21/10/2017 17:38

It depends, what gifts did he get everyone else?

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2017 17:40

Maybe you need to ask aunt if he is coming this year. If he is, point out to aunt how much hard work he was last year, you feel bad for her and everyone. Then make some suggestions of what he can bring how it will work.

Buy him a cheap present, I'd go for a bigger tub of Vaseline to show you are the bigger person.

I'd also cut hi dead about one minute into any conversation that bores you. Either be honest "Sorry, B, I must go and get on with something, I'm not really interested in 12th Century French architecture." Or just be busy "Gravy needs sieving." Or make sure he won't follow you. "I must go to the loo."

Look out for others trapped by his boring drivel and rescue them "B, could you come and help me with XYZ?" If not, rescue the poor person he is boring to tears. Do it enough and he will avoid you!

Oh yes, AtHomeDadGlos "... ‘oh B, give us a hand with this’ ‘B, x needs doing’, ‘B seeing as you didn’t cook it’s time to get those marigolds on’ etc." I think Marigolds could be an excellent upgrade to the Vaseline (He doesn't work for Unilever does he?)

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2017 17:43

My goodness how can anyone think it is a mean-spirited person who buys an expensive gift for someone and gets a tub of Vaseline. BUT maybe he did not know what is expected, can't afford more. So token gifts only for him.

And not saying thank you is just so basic, my 7 year old even manages it!

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2017 17:44

Sometimes!

CountDuckulaTheSqueaky · 21/10/2017 17:48

Is he very intelligent? XH used to do this. I used to have to say "They've stopped listening."

CorbynsBumFlannel · 21/10/2017 17:49

So is he the grandson of the other aunt then? Where does she fit into this?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 21/10/2017 17:51

Also want to know if it was a tin of Vaseline or one of those Vaseline gift sets that come in a big tin? That would still be a bad gift but not quite so bad.

Rachie1973 · 21/10/2017 17:54

Or you could let the hostess make her own decisions about who comes and who does what!

I'd be really pissed off if one of my guests started allocating jobs and tasks to everyone else! Ok, I like the help from some of them, but I'll decide who does what thanks. Even more to the point I'll write the guest list thanks!

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 21/10/2017 17:56

Aunt is the host; is she also the organiser? Or, do you all just assume you are invited to her place? Even if you all pitch in with food and help, you don't get a say in who attends Christmas at her house. If you find the other guests stress you, you always have the option of not going. If you want to be in charge of the guest list, you'd better issue an invitation to Christmas at your place.

Sashkin · 21/10/2017 18:04

We can help you think up some practical but cheap presents for him, since that‘s obviously what he looks for in a gift.

I’m going to start the bidding with a block of cheddar. Everyone likes cheddar don't they?

Or a shower hair-trap. So useful!

eddielizzard · 21/10/2017 18:05

thing is you treated him so well and made him feel so welcome last year that he'll want to come again.

so the only option is to treat him as one of the family and give him jobs to do. also not such lavish presents, but more token ones. also cut him short by saying things like 'oooh must go help so and so - just a sec' and keep doing it 5 mins into his speeches.

if he's made to help out and muck in he might not be in such a hurry to come back.

i don't think you sound mean spirited at all. i think one of the biggest problems with christmas is we're all sold on this 'perfect christmas' where everyone gets what they want, eats to much and collapse in a happy, muddled heap loving being with their fabulous family. the reality is vastly different ime. i have decided to let go of the perfect christmas, which for me would be just my little family, no extendeds at all, somewhere on the coast with NO TURKEY in sight. sadly it won't happen without WWIII but there you are.

Bezm · 21/10/2017 18:27

If your Aunt is working, why are you going to her house again? He's only been once. He probably didn't know the score. Set up a messenger group so everything can be discussed. Who's bringing what food and drink. What the budget is for each present. Who's in charge of cooking dinner, clearing away, setting the table etc, who's in charge of party games. That way there can be no confusion of what's expected off everyone. And you should all agree! He may not be able to afford to spend as much as you on gifts, so make the budget per person low. Christmas is supposed to be about family, not the cost of everything.

Original poster
TheRealGussieFinkNottle · 21/10/2017 18:31

i think one of the biggest problems with christmas is we're all sold on this 'perfect christmas' where everyone gets what they want, eats to much and collapse in a happy, muddled heap loving being with their fabulous family. the reality is vastly different ime.

Exactly, eddieizzard.

OP posts:
wornoutboots · 21/10/2017 18:39

why not a collection of "practical" things?
like:
carrot sharpener.
cucumber spiral cutter.

(both available for less than a pound on Amazon from China)

and other pointless things?

wornoutboots · 21/10/2017 18:39

for the CF's present, I mean.

Rachel0Greep · 21/10/2017 18:48

I don't know if there is much that you can do tbh. It's your aunt's call, if she is the one hosting. I certainly would not be spending money on a gift... Just give him the Vaseline back Grin
I wouldn't feel that I had to take him on either, if I were you. Fair enough if there is some kitty organised or whatever, then he should be told what is expected.
Best of luck.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/10/2017 18:53

I do think probably first priority is checking that your aunt is willing to host this year, given her work circumstances. If not, then you can make whatever plans suit you. if she says yes, then you can work on the dividing up of tasks and stuff to bring on the grounds that you want to make it as easily as possible for aunt.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 21/10/2017 19:12

it’s time to get those marigolds

In fact, buy him the marigolds for Xmas.

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