Aibu to not invite them?

[Glittergirl1]

This is my first post!

So to add some context to my dilemma, here's a quickish overview.

I had been engaged for a few years and wedding had been put off for a number of reasons, redundancy, landlord selling up (quick move meant raiding the wedding pot) and very close family members ill health.

Early last year we found out that DH bonus holiday (in some industries this is quite common, apparently) was close to a popular wedding destination abroad. DH and I said if he was awarded it we would get married there. All close friends and family members were aware and supported us eloping, I literally banged on about wanting DH to win this holiday for months. During this time a friend of ours got engaged and asked me and our close circle to be a bridesmaids. I was so happy to be asked.

DH wins holiday and we share our firm plans (where, when etc)with family and close friends. So, this is where things take a bit of a turn. Close friends of mine and soon to be married friend start messaging me separately, 'i honestly can't believe you would even think about getting married before *' 'i find your sudden need to get married very strange' 'what would you do if I wasn't happy with this?' etc etc. The bitching went on for a few months, friends hen do was awkward to say the least. Even on my wedding day and the friends wedding day I had bitchy comments thrown towards me. No hen do for me, they couldn't even meet me for a drink as they were all busy with life admin and other bs reasons. I was flexible on the day, time etc. Some couldn't even say congratulations, instead sending 'sorry wrong group' type messages. After both weddings I was told from other mutual friends that they referred to me as the 'fat bride' and stated I was only getting married because she was. It was all very bitter and childish.

I distanced myself from them and then receive abusive messages from the main instigator and other bride about how my actions had hurt them all and how selfish I was. How we were wrong to share that we got married with other people. I cut off contact with them all at this point.

Anyway, next year we are having a bit of a vow renewal party.

One of the women asked me to meet her for lunch recently. I met her as I felt she was more of a bystander in it all. During lunch she apologies for her part and burying her head in the sand and asked me if she was invited to next years party. I was quite taken back to be honest, I said yes as I felt a bit cornered.

DH says I should invite them all and be the bigger person, put it all behind me. Honestly I don't want to see any of them at this party. Seeing them would bring back all those horrible feelings and memories for me.

Not so quickish!

Don't invite her she's not your friend, unless you think you might be friends again.

Don't invite the other lot because they are definitely not your friends.

Do you think the lunch friend might have been trying to find out if one of you had cheated? That is the usual reason for vow renewals. I understand that your reasons are different but she wouldn't know them. She and that gang might draw the obvious conclusion when they heard of a vow renewal ceremony after only a year and came gossip hunting.

DH says I should invite them all and be the bigger person, put it all behind me

Why does your DH want you to roll over and be a doormat? Is that his usual MO?

I wouldn't invite luncheon woman either. She's only noseying for an invite so she can go back and blab about/backstab you to the other immature twats.

As far as they are all concerned it's an anniversary party. They have not been involved or aware of any details that have been agreed since the summer. I could have had a wedding at home or I could have got married in an amazing place instead. It was a no brainer for us. Perhaps calling it a vow renewal is wrong, anniversary party or home leg celebration may be better. Vow renewal certainly seems to have wound up some people here!

As far as they are all concerned it's an anniversary party. They have not been involved or aware of any details that have been agreed since the summer. I could have had a wedding at home or I could have got married in an amazing place instead. It was a no brainer for us. Perhaps calling it a vow renewal is wrong, anniversary party or home leg celebration may be better. Vow renewal certainly seems to have wound up some people here!

@Glittergirl1 don't worry about winding people up here. Plenty of folks use the term "vow renewal" for perfectly harmless reasons. Call it whatever you want but please don't let these people back into your life.

Stay distant from them, including lunch friend who’s got a bloody nerve asking if she’s invited to the party.

They didn’t give a flying fuck about your feelings so make sure you don’t get persuaded to be the ‘bigger person’.

Who wants to be the bigger person to a bunch of twats who don’t care anyway.

Don't worry OP there can be a certain level of sneeriness the minute you mention vow renewal here! Your wedding, your vows, your party....you can renew them every year if you want!

Ok. I can't believe that people are questioning the name of a party! we always intended to have a small party back home, the fact is we were late in booking a place and our friends and family weren't available for the days we could have had, therefore it was booked for 1st anniversary. This really isn't the point of my post though...

Welcome to MN OP - this is one of its charming features

I’m with other posters, I think she’s the nominated one to try and get them all an invite purely because the pack of bitches feel like they’re missing out on something!

Don’t invite them. To anything. Ever.

Have a fabulous time

Most people when they hear vow renewal think one of the couple has cheated.

Bullshit. Tell that to my 70 odd year old parents who celebrated their 50th anniversary with a vow renewal and the original priest last year.

With friends like that, who needs enemies ?
They are not your friends.

So a friend you haven’t spoke to since the incident meets up with you and the first thing she wants to know is if she is invited to your party????

I would never ever invite any of them or speak to them again.

“I wouldn't invite luncheon woman either. She's only noseying for an invite so she can go back and blab about/backstab you to the other immature twats”.

^This definitely

DH doesn't want me to be a door mat. He's just too nice for his own good. I'm not inviting any of them and will be cutting contact with lunch woman as well. I'm not sure why my posts are duplicating? Very strange.

DH and I are not the type of people who enjoy being the centre of attention
That was your reasoning for eloping when you won the competition, now you are having a wedding at home and renewing vows after a year.

Do people really have a first anniversary party and renew their vows infront of people they didn't want to get married i front of because they I are not the type of people who enjoy being the centre of attention ?

Seems a bit of a drama. Will you renew them every year?

Lulu would what it matter if they did? But I don't get the sense the OP would and your question sounds a bit rude.

RainbowPastel

I didn't say I was the authority. I gave my opinion. A vow only needs to be renewed when it has been broken.

Actually it can simply reinforce a vow.

My husband and I are renewing our vows in 2018. 15 years in. We'll be celebrating how lucky we are.

He had a massive heart attack in 2015. No-one expected him to pull through. Yet against all the odds he did. We don't 'need' to do it. We do however want to give thanks for all we have, and how strong it's made us.

OP Don't invite the toxic people! Have an amazing time and cut the dead wood from your life completely.

@lulu I've covered all of that in my previous comments.

So basically these people couldn't handle you getting married abroad in a small low key ceremony without even parents there? You didn't even have a party afterwards?
No no no you should not even contemplate inviting these stupid people along. What ridiculous behaviour. Up to you if you feel you can salvage a relationship with the one woman. I suppose she was in an awkward position in the middle but she should have contacted you sooner or took you aside at the time.

No party when we came back, we did celebrate with family with a meal. Unfortunately the timing was very tight, he won holiday in end of April for beginning of June. All close dates we suggested for a party clashed with other things so we decided to have a party next year for our anniversary. The ceremony was suggested by our mum's who couldn't travel the distance to be with us. To be honest with all the bitching I really didn't want to have a party around the time. I felt like I wasn't allowed to enjoy my wedding or celebrate it. Since cutting contact I'm feeling better about the whole thing and I'm actually really looking forward to our party next year. In all of this mess I'm glad we decided to have an anniversary party otherwise most of my memories of getting married would be negative ones. I'm very lucky to be able to do it again.

They are not friends. You made the decision to cut them out, stick with it

I fully appreciate that it's an unusual way of doing things. We didn't set out to get married one year and celebrate it the next, it just how it has ended up. I am yet to have anyone say that they won't be attending because it's strange way of doing things.

I fully appreciate that it's an unusual way of doing things. We didn't set out to get married one year and celebrate it the next, it just how it has ended up. I am yet to have anyone say that they won't be attending because it's strange way of doing things.

Good op, they are nasty bullies, not friends. As you said, your life is so much better without them.dont have anything to do with any of them, including the one you met up with.

Op have a party if you want, bloody some Mumsnet on here really!

It sounds like a wonderful way to doing things, I wish I'd thought of it. I'd love to have a renewal in this country.