Aibu to not invite them?

[Glittergirl1]

This is my first post!

So to add some context to my dilemma, here's a quickish overview.

I had been engaged for a few years and wedding had been put off for a number of reasons, redundancy, landlord selling up (quick move meant raiding the wedding pot) and very close family members ill health.

Early last year we found out that DH bonus holiday (in some industries this is quite common, apparently) was close to a popular wedding destination abroad. DH and I said if he was awarded it we would get married there. All close friends and family members were aware and supported us eloping, I literally banged on about wanting DH to win this holiday for months. During this time a friend of ours got engaged and asked me and our close circle to be a bridesmaids. I was so happy to be asked.

DH wins holiday and we share our firm plans (where, when etc)with family and close friends. So, this is where things take a bit of a turn. Close friends of mine and soon to be married friend start messaging me separately, 'i honestly can't believe you would even think about getting married before *' 'i find your sudden need to get married very strange' 'what would you do if I wasn't happy with this?' etc etc. The bitching went on for a few months, friends hen do was awkward to say the least. Even on my wedding day and the friends wedding day I had bitchy comments thrown towards me. No hen do for me, they couldn't even meet me for a drink as they were all busy with life admin and other bs reasons. I was flexible on the day, time etc. Some couldn't even say congratulations, instead sending 'sorry wrong group' type messages. After both weddings I was told from other mutual friends that they referred to me as the 'fat bride' and stated I was only getting married because she was. It was all very bitter and childish.

I distanced myself from them and then receive abusive messages from the main instigator and other bride about how my actions had hurt them all and how selfish I was. How we were wrong to share that we got married with other people. I cut off contact with them all at this point.

Anyway, next year we are having a bit of a vow renewal party.

One of the women asked me to meet her for lunch recently. I met her as I felt she was more of a bystander in it all. During lunch she apologies for her part and burying her head in the sand and asked me if she was invited to next years party. I was quite taken back to be honest, I said yes as I felt a bit cornered.

DH says I should invite them all and be the bigger person, put it all behind me. Honestly I don't want to see any of them at this party. Seeing them would bring back all those horrible feelings and memories for me.

Not so quickish!

Most people when they hear vow renewal think one of the couple has cheated. Why do you need to renew vows you only made 365 days ago?

You'd be a fool to invite them. You're saying you can treat me like shit, cause me a lot of pain but I'll still host you.

The OP has explained why she is having a vow renewal .

I think renewing your vows for the benefit of family who weren’t at the wedding is a nice thing to do. I hope you have a really happy day. Don’t waste a thought on thos harpies (don’t invite LunchWoman either, unless between now and then you actually become good friends).

Do you want to be friend with them again? It sounds from your OP that you have moved on from what happened - so unless you want these people back in your life, then I wouldn´t bother inviting them.

They're up to mischief OP, don't let them back in. I can guarantee you'll regret it.

Have your party with the people who supported and loved you at the time.
Congrats on your first year of marriage

Why are you renewing your vows? Do they need renewing?

For Lulu as they clearly can't read the thread.

The renewal actually started out as a first anniversary party (booked around the time we got married. We were thinking of a party when we came back but we had a few other weddings, christenings etc over the summer and our close friends and family couldn't make many dates, we decided to make it an anniversary party) the renewal part is a close friend saying a few words and is more of the request of parents who couldn't join us for a bit of formality. I can honestly say on both parts there has been no cheating or anything else sinister.

The OP already explained.

"The OB (other bride) even asked mutual friends to not congratulate us on her day if it was the first time they had seen us."

How old was this women, 5! No way would I invite them at all.

Agree with Jux "don’t invite LunchWoman either, unless between now and then you actually become good friends"

If you decide you do not want to invite her then don't if she asks say I've got a lot friends and family coming and not got room for people who stood by while others were mean to me, life is too short!

RainbowPastel "Most people when they hear vow renewal think one of the couple has cheated." I'd say that is a really odd reaction, I'd never think a person had cheated and then renewed their vows, I'd just think they wanted to celebrate.

Good god, what nasty people. Please don’t invite them but enjoy your special day with the people who truly care about you.

ItalianGreyhound it's a well known thing. Plus it's tacky.

Since when we're you the authority on what is tacky RainbowPastel?

I didn't say I was the authority. I gave my opinion. A vow only needs to be renewed when it has been broken.

I share Italiangrayhound's opinion. I wouldn't automatically think that one party had cheated.

No, absolutely don't invite them. If they make the effort to contact you, apologise and resume the friendship, great. You can make time to see them and start to rebuild and reconnect. But as they were bitchy about the wedding to start, the last thing you want is to invite them randomly to the vow renewal. More then likely they'll be bitchy about that as well. If you are truly close to this other friend, sure, invite her. But not the rest of them.

Also, I think it's fairly normal for people who get married away (who have the means to do so), to have some sort of blessing or whatever back home. If you want to call it a 'vow renewal,' then that's fine. I don't think it's odd though. I have friends who got married overseas (bride's family lives in the Middle East). They had two weddings there (in the same week), a religious one for family and very close friends and then a fun one for a wider circle. Groom is British, so about a year later they had a whole other wedding (not even a vow renewal, like full on wedding, did their vows again, page boys, flower girls, sit down wedding breakfast, evening disco, etc.) for family and friends who couldn't make it. Expensive, yes, but I guess if you can, it's nice to include people who didn't have the ability to travel to your actual wedding, so why not?

RainbowPastel why is it tacky? I've looked up tacky and I can't see how this fits!

There was a time when I wondered why people did this but actually, however people want to celebrate, I don't feel I want to object to people showing their affection and appreciation of each other in this way.

It seems especially appropriate for a couple who eloped abroad to have a renewing of vows or blessing or celebration with family present.

I think the important thing is the OP wants to celebrate with family and friends, which means these bitchy bitches don't get a look in!

Ok. I can't believe that people are questioning the name of a party! we always intended to have a small party back home, the fact is we were late in booking a place and our friends and family weren't available for the days we could have had, therefore it was booked for 1st anniversary. This really isn't the point of my post though...

Ok. I can't believe that people are questioning the name of a party! we always intended to have a small party back home, the fact is we were late in booking a place and our friends and family weren't available for the days we could have had, therefore it was booked for 1st anniversary. This really isn't the point of my post though...

@rainbow your opinion is appreciated thanks. Perhaps we are tacky, who cares? It's our pocket it's coming from!

@rainbow your opinion is appreciated thanks. Perhaps we are tacky, who cares? It's our pocket it's coming from!

Op, there's always at least one who'll jump on a post to be mean whenever anyone mentions hen dos, baby showers and vow renewals. Like they are the lifestyle police. Just ignore them.

You did the right thing to cut off those dreadful people and don't owe them anything. They were truly awful. Please don't invite them back into your life. I can't believe they'll change.
As for the friend? All sounded great until she asked for an invite to the party. Who does that? Sounds suspicious to me. I'd just ignore her from now on, and just be vague about arrangements.

It's all a bit of a drama renewing vows after a year - you might as well have had the big wedding in the first place. Anyway, I wouldn't ask them- they are not your friends.